When I shared the Lizzo’s Watch Out for the Big Grrrls announcement post over the weekend, I was hoping for a little more opportunity to talk about this show, maybe even rave a little about it. I’ve seen it twice, some napping occurred the second time around, and I had so much fun watching it—short version. But there was more to it than that. It got me thinking about this blog and why I started sharing myself here.
When this blog became a style blog over a decade ago, it took something for me to embrace this new online space I had created. I had to push myself, face up to myself and learn a lot (usually through failing). In its current incarnation, starting this blog felt a lot like facing the challenges on the show week after week, actually.
Except that we all know, or should by this stage know, that I don’t dance. Shuffle maybe. Sway, yes. But dance, no.
It reminded me how the old Aussie Curves challenges would push me week after week to get out of my comfort zone and show up. It worked that way for so many of us. With the support of others in those challenges, I would have the safe space to take a long hard look at myself. Then, when I felt I’d discovered something, I’d share that.
It changed how I felt about sharing myself and my body online. It pushed me to talk about my relationship with my body and how others related to it. Over time, I discovered myself in those challenges, found my voice and stood for who I am.
And I think that’s why I loved this show so much.
2012
2016
2019
2021
Because when people see the big girls showing up online, they can’t believe we can do it. They can’t believe that we can be and often are happy, living life, loving, succeeding and growing. Sure, it would be nice if the world as a whole got its head out of its ass and just let us live. But we are changing minds even if the community has (quite literally) shrunk in the years following that challenge.
I know in a lot of ways, I lost my voice. Sick of being spoken for by women who don’t know, who inhabit smaller bodies and are lucky enough to be still considered acceptable. I found it hard to speak up when after a decade, the problems, especially online, felt like they were getting worse.
Sure, we have seen some progress made, but for whom?
It’s still almost impossible to shop for a body larger than a size 20/22 in this country. God-forbid if you’d like to do so in-store. Brands shout inclusion and clothing for everybody (and “every-body”) at us from every angle than call a size 20 a 3XL in their limited extended sizing. New offerings pop up promising larger size ranges soon! Then the months go by, and those promises seem long forgotten, replaced instead with an ad budget to drown out the voices of those left behind.
For the most part, we continue to be represented by people who don’t know or see our experiences. Every single woman on Lizzo’s Watch Out for the Big Grrrls says at one point she wished she’d seen a person that looked like her anywhere when growing up. And while I saw plenty of white women, even a chubby one here or there, I know a small portion of that longing. And this show reminded me of that.
It reminded me that I show up for myself first.
To remind me of my worthiness and willingness to grow, live proudly and change something. Next, I show up for my nieces and second cousins, great cousins etc., who will grow up in a body like mine. A body that, for all the progress we are told is being made, is still wrong. I show up so that they will see someone who reminds them just to be themselves. It’s the only thing there is to do. Exist comfortably in the skin you’re in.
And then, last but certainly not least, I do it for you and anyone else out there that looks at my size 24/26 (give or take depending on the year) self with my broad shoulders, big chest, deep voice, long torso, loud laugh, and big feet and sees something of me in yourself. Through me, I hope you find a way to sit comfortably with who you are inside and out. Through sharing my struggles, I hope you know that you’re pretty great, just as you are; inside and out.
…
Thanks for coming to my Ted talk, haha. Have you seen the show? Let’s talk about it!
Ummm, excuse me, internet, but have you heard about Lizzo’s new show? “Watch Out For The Big Grrrls” is coming, and I’m not sure we’re ready, to be honest. It’s a dance competition for a chance to win a spot on Lizzo’s World Tour.
Now, I don’t know much about dance. My experience ended when I sized out of the ‘girls’ tutus around 9 or 10. But I know that dance hasn’t been kind to women who live in large bodies—deeming us incapable, unable or unworthy in varying degrees. So to see this opportunity for big girls to dance played out in a TV show, celebrating diverse women, bodies and personalities, well, I’m excited to see it.
For me, Lizzo brings plus-size representation to music and entertainment with style and unwavering nerve. But I understand that by existing in her body, she has no choice for the most part in the society we live in. Held aloft for all to see, judge and discuss. That can’t be an easy position to be in at all. So, I appreciate her hanging herself a little further out on that limb for all of us who need representation in media. For those of us who might need a reminder to go after our dreams.
Check out all the details on Lizzo’s Instagram, eeekkk!
And since March 25th is the day after my birthday, I think Watch Out For the Big Gurrrls presented by Lizzo will be an excellent addition to my birthday week celebrations. Don’t you think? Thank goodness I already have Amazon Prime. Haha.
If you’ve spent any time on Pinterest in the past year, you would have noticed the increase in ads from a certain non-diet diet company. My streams were bombarded, and despite reporting them as irrelevant or worse, they would still be there. It was not ideal, especially for a site called out for its problematic associations with eating disorder ideation in its early days. HuffPost covers the issues and their actions taken in 2012. But it seems the users weren’t the only ones feeling meh about the diet ads.
Well, it happened; Pinterest bans weight loss ads!
In a news post on their website, the company said it would also not allow ads promoting or discussing weight loss or weight loss products or ads referencing body mass index (BMI) or similar indexes. This policy came into effect July 1st, 2021, referencing a pathway to a weight-loss ad-free summer. Something that was suggested to them through their relationship with The National Eating Disorders Association. Here is the announcement post and some quotes from the article making the announcement.
Ads promoting healthy lifestyles and habits or fitness services and products will still be allowed, as long as they don’t focus on weight loss.
This policy change was developed with the guidance and advice of NEDA. “The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) applauds Pinterest for taking a leadership position as the first platform to prohibit all ads with weight-loss language and imagery. NEDA is encouraged by this necessary step in prioritizing the mental health and well-being of Pinners, especially those impacted by diet culture, body shaming, and eating disorders. We are hopeful this global policy will encourage other organizations and companies to reflect on potentially harmful ad messages and to establish their own working policies that will create meaningful change,” said Elizabeth Thompson, Interim CEO for the National Eating Disorders Association.
(Also taken from Pinterest news page)
source: Pinterest newsroom
In the Pinterest bans weight loss ads announcement article, Pinterest talks a lot about body neutrality. A move towards living and existing in a body that serves you and isn’t defined by how it looks or performs. This is something that I’ve been working towards for myself. A move that takes me away from the body positive movement that has become so co-opted and overrun. Instead, I’m moving towards something that frees me from this conversation entirely. Imagine that, a world free from discussions about the worthiness of bodies; what would be possible then?
Imagine being free from discussions about restrictions, diet pills, the newest fad diet or no-diet-diet or whatever it is being framed as. As women, predominately, imagine the time we would free up to discuss more of what matters to us. We would be free to discuss more of what collectively keeps us in our place. More of what we need and want without the restrictions of a culture focused on our bodies. I think about that all the time, how often we are controlled by this narrative of being attractive, small, or this generation’s version of perfect. What could we be doing instead?
This feels like a step in the right direction for me.
So, what do you think about Pinterest banning weight loss ads? Do you think diet ads should be banned on all social media sites? Pinterest has done it. And there are restrictions when it comes to weight loss on Facebook and Instagram. Is it time to pull the rug from under the diet industry and get back to a place where we treat each person and their body’s needs individually?
Recently I spoke about how my mojo feels like it packed up and left. Which, when you directly relate it to this blog, means taking photos of myself mostly. It’s what connects me to you and ultimately does well in the general search/Pinterest/SEO world. But I’ve been struggling to get in front of a camera. That’s the long and the short of it.
My body has changed in the last year or two. It looks different, and I look different, and that can be hard to reconcile in photos. I look at them and don’t like what I see—discarding most of them, not feeling like I could post others. I know I’m not the only one in this boat. When I think about what the world has been through in the past two years, it boggles my mind. But we did it. We made it here.
Today I’m going to say what is troubling me out loud in the hopes that by confronting it, it will diminish. By pushing myself to get out and taking the photos anyway, it reminds me of who I am. I am more than my body or face or how I look in photos. I’m a person with plenty to offer, and the way I do that is by showing up for people on the internet. Come what may.
Once, I credited taking outfit photos for the blog every week with my strong positive body image. When you stare at pictures of yourself week after week, set after set, you get a little numb to your features, your faults and flaws. It just blurs into what is; nothing good or bad about it. I’m reminding myself of that right now when the little voice in my head does its worst.
And, if, like me, you miss out, opt out or make excuses to avoid being in front of the camera. Consider this post your reminder to stop doing that! You’re perfect just the way you are, and I don’t ever want your body or how you look to define that for you. We will do the work and show up, just as we are, and I know things will change for us.
How can I be so sure about that? I know because I’ve done it before. This blog has changed my life in many ways than I give it credit for. Have I mentioned that? When I started blogging didn’t have a single photo of myself to use as a profile photo (so I decided to blog anonymously, lol). Entire pieces of my history and life are gone, left to the vagueness of memory—an untrustworthy source at the best of times.
As I participated more, took the photos (and kept them!), the documentation of my life streamed along behind me; the people and places, the highs and lows. I want that for myself again. For there to be a record that I was here and I lived a big, exciting, joyful life. I want to be in the middle, undeniably living; I want to show up. Let that be my promise to you; that’s what I’ll do. Even when I don’t want to or don’t feel like it, imperfectly perfect, I’ll be here.
On Monday, I shared a meme (I’ll drop it below) on Facebook, and it was a mood. It certainly seemed to hit a nerve with you guys too, and it’s still getting attention even now. That meme told me one thing about all of us – we’re tired. T. I. R. E. D. My plan to combat that is to encourage you to join me in a self-care weekend. That’s your challenge, should you choose to accept it and now, let’s talk about that.
Firstly, as much as I love a good book, a face mask or a bath as my form of self-care, it doesn’t have to look like that for you. Maybe you even resisted clicking on this because self-care as a term doesn’t speak to you at all. I get that. It’s another of those terms, like body positivity, that was corrupted on Instagram.
But, for me, it can mean any number of things that you do for yourself. A self-care weekend could be big or small, if they take you half an hour this morning or all Sunday to implement. It doesn’t matter, the outcome is simple. You must feel cared for, and you must do the caring. Why is that? Well, you know best what you want or need. That’s why it has to be you. speaking of which, you DO know what you want, don’t you?
For some of you, that may mean going slow and cooking your favourite meal, including something delicious to start and a decadent dessert to finish. Others may find comfort in some quiet time to plan their next move. To reflect and journal, to brainstorm some ideas and get it all down on paper.
Whatever a self-care weekend looks like for you, it is fundamental to living a life that works for us.
We humans can’t just keep going until we drop. I can’t, you can’t; none of us can. Self-care can be rest (do nothing, stare at the ceiling or nap, rest), or it can be active, but you have to listen. When you listen to yourself for a moment (in the shower, sitting on the edge of your bed or slumped on the couch), what do you really, really want? What do you need right now? And can you give that to yourself? That’s important work.
A short disclaimer here, my friend. I’ve been in the position numerous times in my life when I’ve been numb to that. Numb to what I want or need and to how to get anything for myself that I wanted. If that is you, be kind to yourself and don’t push. You don’t have to have anything figured out. I believe that ‘the numbness’ is a protection, and you can’t force your way through it. Go slow, keep asking, and find your way.
Because caring for yourself is crucial. In every big or small way that we choose to do it. Maybe you’ve been taught to put others first, and this will be uncomfortable. But, with love, it’s time to get past that. Remind yourself of all the sayings about filling your cup, applying the oxygen mask first, and happy wife, happy life, and break free.
You deserve this time to care for yourself. Are you willing to give it yourself?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, I wish I had that kind of confidence? Have you ever felt like everyone has confidence figured out but you? Well, team, what would you say if I said confidence looks different on everybody? And not just the body confidence side of things, but the confidence to start tat business, learn something new or stand up for yourself or others. Confidence comes in all shapes and sizes, and there is certainly no one size fits all method of having it.
I know that it can be a hard-fought battle, this whole confidence thing. But taker it from someone with some time spent in the trenches, the wins far outweigh the losses. When you find a way to step into being who you are, instead of worrying about what other people think of you, it’s life-changing. It will literally alter the way you live your life; day-to-day and in the long term.
But that’s not to say that you hit that perfect balance once and you stay there. You won’t. Some days I feel like my anxiety will crush me if I leave the house. While other days I am taken by surprise when someone seems to think that their opinion of me and my choices should matter to me. Because it doesn’t. I run my life, make all the choices (for better or worse) and live with the outcomes of that. Days like the later take a practice of being confident. Small habits and reminders day in and day out.
It takes finding what works for you!
Want to start improving your own self-confidence?
My best confidence tip would be to question everything. If you think you shouldn’t wear or do something, ask yourself why? Ask yourself who said so? Who says I can’t live my life exactly as I see fit? Do I care about their opinion? Why do I care? I find that when I continue to question when the limitations I put my myself or the negative conversations I have. Then they start to have less of an impact. I’m free or at least know where the bullshit comes from and can choose for myself. There’s power in knowing what motivates you to do things. It’s the secret to everything.
Then I think that you should fill your life with examples of people who are living life confidently; whether it be through body image and confidence books or social media. Seek out examples of what you want or where you want to be. Not to compare and find yourself lacking, but to inspire you to move forward, soak up their knowledge and keep from reinventing the wheel. Nothing has served me more in this life than curating the content I see on social media. Mute or unfollow accounts that make you feel bad (for whatever reason) or that no longer serves your goals. I know I’d love to have you follow my accounts if you’re willing? Find me at Suger Coat It everywhere, or start with Instagram here.
And stick around, because sharing my story and giving reminders to live life confidently is what this blog is about.
wearing confidence swimwear amenia top and bottom (size US20 – custom sizes available at no extra cost, gifted)
If you feel like you’re under pressure from the diet industry machine to change your body in some way in the new year, think of how body image for girls must feel. New year, new who? Diet plans and ‘get healthy’ resolutions disguising less than ideal ways to treat yourself. It’s a minefield out there even now.
While we do our best to keep conversations about holiday weight, fitness resolutions and diet talk away from them (or I hope you do), they hear it. All of it. And it impacts them and the way they see their body. The choices you make and actions that you take impact them and what they grow up to believe is normal. Reasonable. Required, even.
So, with that in mind, I decided to put together a list of books for girls that will start some conversations and, hopefully, help them figure this whole thing out. I know that I found a lot of great stuff in them for myself too. So, if you’re looking for something for yourself, check out this post I pulled together for books for adults around body image.
Some of them are aimed at body image for girls in the younger audience, while others would be better for teens.
I thought the time for this post had passed. Back when we first went into lockdown, it was a hot topic to discuss gaining weight, being ashamed of that, and generally cracking jokes at coming out of quarantine (gasp!) fat. Then it tapered off, and I thought, okay, good, I don’t have to say anything.
But hello, it’s back.
And not just because our friends in Victoria are back in lockdown or that second wave clusters are popping up all over the shop. But because it seems, the I don’t fit my clothes angst is cropping up again along with the ‘jokes’. I am to tell you one thing, friend. You didn’t fail if your pants don’t fit. You didn’t somehow do quarantine wrong or let yourself go.
It’s been a lot; a lot to handle and a lot to process. For some, especially those with a past of disordered eating, conversations about panic buying and lack of certain foods have been triggering. Unstable incomes and new work from home arrangements with partners or children have challenged us. Maybe there are cracks in your world that you hadn’t seen before the glaring light of a global pandemic was shone on them.
Let’s say; you’ve had other things to worry about.
Consider for a moment that the way your body reacted to this time in our lives was as it should. Maybe it needed those reserves or the comfort of your favourite meal, beverage or treat. Who is to say that’s wrong? Who is to say that your body isn’t better off without the restriction and boundaries of your everyday life. What if this is how it was meant to be all along?
I want to you think about that next time you are faced with a situation, conversation or thought about how things should look. Not because your health or wellness doesn’t matter, but because they do. I don’t know how long we will be living life this way. But I do know that you shouldn’t live your life waiting for the next thing to come along. Find some peace in your situation now.
What would you say if I told you that I don’t think your partner should be your reason for your positive body image? My boyfriend loves my body, he embraces my curves, but I just can’t see it, she said. They love my body, me? Not so much, they said. I see it and hear it all over the internet in Groups and mentioned in the comments. It’s worrying, to say the least. I worry about these people. Almost as much as the ones that say their partner doesn’t like their body.
But, my friend, your body image is NOT your partner’s job. It’s yours.
Not just because they could change their mind, leave or even not end up being who you thought they were. But because this sort of work should never be an outside job. You are responsible for doing the work to disassemble the conversation you are having about your body. Unfair, I know. You didn’t start this rubbish, and you certainly didn’t put it there. But the work is for you to do.
Your body image is not your partner’s job. Unfortunately, if you are looking for someone to deem you beautiful, it’s always dependant on them. If you need a parent or friend to tell you that you’re worthy of love; they may not be capable of that.
And yes, I think it is helpful, valuable even to have someone in your corner it can’t be the be-all and end-all. For me, when I’ve struggled to see myself, Kel has been great. He has been supportive, constructive and has never brought up my body without me starting the conversation. There are some tips in this article for helping your partner love their body when they don’t. But treat this love and support, when you get it, as a bonus.
A cherry on top of your body image.
Not the whole sundae.
We put so much stock into how our partner feels about our body we stop doing the work if I’m being straight with you here. We need to stop valuing ourselves by how attractive we are (or think we are) to someone and start doing the work to shift our beliefs around what a good body is. Spoiler alert, it’s actually got nothing to do with how it looks. Annette on the Facebook page has it right, we need to move past the idea of being seen as attractive, beautiful or sexy to someone else, even to ourselves. It’s time to start seeing the value in our body for being our feet on the ground in this world. A means to an end.
Are you at the start of your body positivity journey? Looking for books to help you improve your body image? You came to the right place. Seriously. This is a post I’ve meant to write for years. It’s a question that comes up time after time. Where do I start? I want to improve my body image, but where do I begin?
For me, the place to begin has always been in books. Of course, books and Google these days, but you get the point. Some of them are about the history and politics of fat activism, a place you should start if you want the roots of the modern body positivity movement. Others are more personal tellings of experience with having a body seen as different.
All of them will change your mind.
My story with body image started with blogging. For the decade that followed my entry into high school, my only goal year after year was to lose weight. Lose MORE weight. To be smaller, to fit in better, to change. Can you picture that? An entire life dedicated to something that matters very little? Maybe you can imagine it, and that’s why you’re here. Perhaps you don’t want your where you see yourself in 5 years goal to be THINNER. For me, being challenged in my thinking shifted something in me.
Even as I exercised or dieted (on this blog, I know it was a thing), I was tearing down this idea I had. A model that ignored who I am as a person and focused my attention on my body and outward appearance. But one day, the real question appeared; am I just a body or a pretty face? Is that the value I bring to this world, or am I more?
If I felt that I was more than how attractive someone else found me, why are all my efforts so focused on my outward appearance? WHY am I handing over this one life of mine to this hamster wheel? In answering that question for myself, everything changed.
Because, of course, I’m more than a body. You are too.
My value isn’t in how attractive someone finds me or how beautiful ‘they’ think I am. My worth isn’t in this body at all. And, my friend, neither is yours. So, if you came here as a way to start to change your mind about that. To improve your body image and see yourself as a whole person, you are in the right place. We begin here because maybe one day, that question will make it crystal clear for you too. And the switch will be switched. You’ll be forever changed, and bad days will be bad days. Good things, big love for yourself, will be yours.
Here it is—my list of books to read to improve your body image.
{I have used Amazon AU to link to the books listed below to easily reference them all in one place. Click the book cover, and a new window will open. However, if you can, please contact and purchase any books through your local bookshop or directly from the author. They need us to support them now more than ever.}
In the past, I’ve talked about how I improved my body image and confidence, and this dealt with ‘feedback’ on this blog. So, if you’re interested in that, head to the post. It even has a video from the Suger Coat It YouTube channel if watching is more your thing. Finally, you can run into the Confident You archives or search for the keywords that interest you in the sidebar (it will be under this post on mobile).
I know that undoing what we were conditioned to believe about ourselves takes time and work. You can’t wake up one morning and forget everything ‘they’ told you. But, that said, don’t let that get you down because the upside of that is that YOU are in control now. What you say goes. Start rebuilding your body image; start now.
I want to talk about something with you. It’s about the way that women invest so much energy into controlling our bodies. You know the story; food, dieting, exercises, surgeries and all that beauty standards b.s. Patriarchy, blah, blah, blah. At this time of year, between the summer body hype, food and drink excesses, and family expectations conversations.
It’s a lot.
I have a thought for you about how to frame ALL of that for a more positive experience. For you, because that’s what matters to me. We’ve all been there. Stuck in the cycle of endless, honestly wasteful, conversations that don’t add to our experience as a person. They go on and on never once changing anything. I mean low-carb will always be low-carb, and women will always be expected to care more about how attractive they are. But what if…
Next time you look in the mirror, find yourself in a conversation about weight or berate yourself for food choices, I want you to ask yourself one thing. Ask yourself, what could I be doing instead? Seriously. WHAT is there, in this whole world of possibility, for me to be doing now that would be a better use of my time. Go big or think small, whatever it is that breaks you out of it.
What could I be doing instead?
And not because you should always be productive or busy, but because who knows what you COULD achieve if you just stopped. Imagine it for a moment. Take all that you spend in these conversations with others or yourself and imagine. You could take up a new hobby or finally do that thing you’ve always wanted to do. Maybe you’d eat the thing and not worry about it. Perhaps, without giving a thought to what others might think, you pull on those swimmers and jump in!?
First, my knee started acting like a jerk. Then I got the chest infection to top all chest infections. Then while I was sick I picked up a rash that proceeded to cover my entire body in leopard-like spots. I’ve never really been that into animal print, I’m not keen on wearing it on my skin forever. But that wasn’t all, then I coughed so hard I put my back out. I ended up crying bent over at a 45-degree angle to the floor like a wounded animal of some description. It’s been a long month, to say the least.
I’m falling apart over here, people!
It’s frustrating as hell. I miss my body when it was well. Not thinking about it and feeling capable of doing whatever I needed to do. I miss a time when the only thing ‘wrong’ with it was that other people felt weird about its fatness. This isn’t what I want for myself. I want my body back to the way it USED to feel because not having it is making life a struggle. And I say that, with all the privilege that comes with a body that has always been healthy and under my control. Which is remarkably arrogant of me, I know. Yet, here we are.
I’ve never had the kind of body people longed for. Healthy and strong as it was, that’s a bit of a wonder to me. But still, super tall, super broad and practically always fat, there wasn’t much in the way of inspo, apparently. More fool them. Though I’m sure some people wished they had my boobs.
My body is normally the picture of health and determination.
Maybe not the picture you would see in a magazine or on tv, but a picture none-the-less. It is capable and has always toed the line no matter what I have asked of it. In fact, it has only seen fit to refuse me on one specific, baby-related occasion. And in the end, that all worked out for the best. So, why then, was it so hard for me to show it appreciation before now?
Why did I not see all that it has done and will do for me until it was a spotted, sore, painful mess? Why are we as women so determined to withhold appreciate or praise for our bodies until they meet a very specific set of demands?
I mean, it’s bullshit.
Scrolling through Instagram I saw a post where I woman was describing her shock at how comfortable she was in her post-baby body. It was heavier than normal and understandably different from what it had been before. But she was good, she said, impressed by what her body had DONE, not by how it looked for once. And it hit me.
That, right there, is the problem that women face when it comes to our bodies. We are taught to value how they look over how they function. In fact, we are taught to value you them so highly as a part of who we are, that it becomes impossible to see them as the vehicle they are.
I see it everywhere! (and now I’m sure you will too).
It is in the books I read by authors who refer to fatness vaguely and always in the negative. It’s there in the stories we tell each other about what is happening for us in our lives. Measured somehow by a number on the scale or in the back of our jeans.
It’s even there in the women and men of the body positive movement when they determine a cut-off, a point of no return, for what represents an acceptable body or not. Or in who gets to be heard on the topic. How is it that we are being represented by the “same” people over and over when what we really need is for them to step aside so someone else can be heard.
Think about it for a moment.
My body is having a tough time right now, and I’ll support it in whatever ways I can to get it back to the place of reliability and health. But it’s no less effective at keeping me alive than it was before. It’s no less worthy of attention or care than it was before. In a lot of ways, now is the time to commit more of my focus to it.
Not to make it conform to some ideal or to punish it for not performing for me the way I wanted it to. But because I owe it for my time here, for this opportunity to be alive. Now is my chance to be grateful and show it some love. To be loving and kind when right now I feel perfectly justified in beating it up and shaming it into line.
Now is the time to practice what I preach. It’s now or never.
