If you’ve read anything I’ve posted on the blog in the last two years, the very few and far-between snippets from my life, you would know it was struggle-town over here. Population me! Anxiety was at an all-time high, sending confidence and self-esteem flying out the window and running for the hills. And if you didn’t, now you’re caught up. A genuine crisis of confidence makes it very difficult to show up a blog with a literal (e)book on the matter.
But when I started to plan to clean out my closet, deciding what could stay and what could go, I knew I needed to work out what my style even looks like now. I’m about to be 42 (where does the time go?), and it’s not holding me back from knowing what I like or want; it’s the big hole where my confidence used to be. So, I started a Pinterest board. Of course, I did; I am a millennial, after all, and I started formulating an idea of what I like and what appeals to me now. Piece by piece, I built this idea until I had a clearer picture of what I wanted and how I would move forward in the cleanout. Go me!
Except that the idea of being in photos again makes me wince full-body.
And the mortgages are mortgaging, so there’s not a lot of play money to rebuild; I’ll be relying on what I have now, some of which are in a different size from what I wear now, adding to the genuine yikes factor of moving forward. But trying not to get stuck, I keep digging through what I have. For my entire adult life, I’ve worn between a 20 and 26 in dress sizes. So, there’s flexibility there. Yes, most of my cool denim is a size 20/22, but I’ll decide what to do once I’m back in the swing of things. It’s the swing of things I’m finding difficult.
So, I’m hoping to take the time along the way not just to clean out what doesn’t fit or work for me anymore in my closet but to rebuild my confidence and nurture my self-esteem—rebuild them, too. And through that, I can find my style again and enjoy the play and joyfulness of it all. Enjoy getting dressed, going places, and spending time with people who aren’t my husband or my dogs. Maybe it’s time to review some of my old Confident You blog posts like some of you have told me you’ve been doing. Whatever it takes, I’m following the Khloe Kardashian way of thinking that the forties will be one of the best decades of my life, so it’s time to get started. Properly.
Writing a blog about confidence is pretty tough when you feel like a fraud. I should know; that’s exactly how I felt. Looking back, I knew things were really out of control when I attended an event in Brisbane, pre-Covid. In a room full of people, most I’d known for years, I couldn’t breathe. Nothing could distract or settle me. The walls were closing in, and the only thing I could do was get outside, sit and try to gather myself.
Maybe some of you were there or heard an account of it. Some people got back to me, said I was rude, stand-offish and made them feel like I didn’t care about them or anything but myself and my friends. Hard to hear, a gut punch. But I couldn’t argue with it. When you’re barely holding it together, keen to get out, I’m sure that’s exactly how it looks to others. Anxiety looks like that sometimes; I look like that sometimes; there’s no denying it.
And I was embarrassed. That I came across that way or that it would be the first impression some people had of me. Humiliated that I couldn’t take a few deep breaths and clear my head, I got stuck in the panic. I couldn’t face the blog after that. Some confidence guru I turned out to be. Not that I ever set out to be a guru; of course, I didn’t. But no one knew then how bad my anxiety had gotten, and I refused to share that.
Some days, doing ‘the best we can’ may still fall short of what we would like to be able to do, but life isn’t perfect — on any front — and doing what we can with what we have is the most we should expect of ourselves or anyone else.” — Mister Rogers
But hiding from it did nothing. It was still there when I worried about what people were saying or thinking about me. It showed up, and I felt like an outsider. Then Covid hit, and the last shreds of my chill slipped through my fingers. I embraced online groceries and deliveries and soon was buying everything online. There was nowhere to go, so I didn’t have to push myself to try anymore. There was relief in giving up. I was happy to stay there for as long as I could.
Then, in the middle of last year, things started to shift for me. I said yes to more things and let my excuses slip. Time passing had lessened the power of the anxiety that had surged so strongly through my veins in the years prior. Finally, I could see out from under my rock, and there, to be entirely cliche and sickening, was sunshine. I could breathe again, finally.
There’s no way that I ever want to resume my self-appointed confidence guru position. But confidence, self-confidence and body confidence will always be part of this blog, just as they are part of my life story and mental health conversations. So from now on, you can count on me to be honest about what is going on for me, good or bad, up or down. Who knows if you even want that from me? Maybe it will just be for my benefit and debriefing purposes, but we’ll see.
When I shared the Lizzo’s Watch Out for the Big Grrrls announcement post over the weekend, I was hoping for a little more opportunity to talk about this show, maybe even rave a little about it. I’ve seen it twice, some napping occurred the second time around, and I had so much fun watching it—short version. But there was more to it than that. It got me thinking about this blog and why I started sharing myself here.
When this blog became a style blog over a decade ago, it took something for me to embrace this new online space I had created. I had to push myself, face up to myself and learn a lot (usually through failing). In its current incarnation, starting this blog felt a lot like facing the challenges on the show week after week, actually.
Except that we all know, or should by this stage know, that I don’t dance. Shuffle maybe. Sway, yes. But dance, no.
It reminded me how the old Aussie Curves challenges would push me week after week to get out of my comfort zone and show up. It worked that way for so many of us. With the support of others in those challenges, I would have the safe space to take a long hard look at myself. Then, when I felt I’d discovered something, I’d share that.
It changed how I felt about sharing myself and my body online. It pushed me to talk about my relationship with my body and how others related to it. Over time, I discovered myself in those challenges, found my voice and stood for who I am.
And I think that’s why I loved this show so much.
2012
2016
2019
2021
Because when people see the big girls showing up online, they can’t believe we can do it. They can’t believe that we can be and often are happy, living life, loving, succeeding and growing. Sure, it would be nice if the world as a whole got its head out of its ass and just let us live. But we are changing minds even if the community has (quite literally) shrunk in the years following that challenge.
I know in a lot of ways, I lost my voice. Sick of being spoken for by women who don’t know, who inhabit smaller bodies and are lucky enough to be still considered acceptable. I found it hard to speak up when after a decade, the problems, especially online, felt like they were getting worse.
Sure, we have seen some progress made, but for whom?
It’s still almost impossible to shop for a body larger than a size 20/22 in this country. God-forbid if you’d like to do so in-store. Brands shout inclusion and clothing for everybody (and “every-body”) at us from every angle than call a size 20 a 3XL in their limited extended sizing. New offerings pop up promising larger size ranges soon! Then the months go by, and those promises seem long forgotten, replaced instead with an ad budget to drown out the voices of those left behind.
For the most part, we continue to be represented by people who don’t know or see our experiences. Every single woman on Lizzo’s Watch Out for the Big Grrrls says at one point she wished she’d seen a person that looked like her anywhere when growing up. And while I saw plenty of white women, even a chubby one here or there, I know a small portion of that longing. And this show reminded me of that.
It reminded me that I show up for myself first.
To remind me of my worthiness and willingness to grow, live proudly and change something. Next, I show up for my nieces and second cousins, great cousins etc., who will grow up in a body like mine. A body that, for all the progress we are told is being made, is still wrong. I show up so that they will see someone who reminds them just to be themselves. It’s the only thing there is to do. Exist comfortably in the skin you’re in.
And then, last but certainly not least, I do it for you and anyone else out there that looks at my size 24/26 (give or take depending on the year) self with my broad shoulders, big chest, deep voice, long torso, loud laugh, and big feet and sees something of me in yourself. Through me, I hope you find a way to sit comfortably with who you are inside and out. Through sharing my struggles, I hope you know that you’re pretty great, just as you are; inside and out.
…
Thanks for coming to my Ted talk, haha. Have you seen the show? Let’s talk about it!
Starting the year out rushing to get back to work with emails flooding my inbox wasn’t ideal. I was overwhelmed, and on the brink of panic most days, I got on with things. And when asked? Of course, I was fine. Tired, but fine. Busy, but fine. I know all about being fine.
Being fine is such a default response for so many of us—especially the busy, doing it all types who are juggling many balls in the air. I’m fine, you’re fine, we’re all FINE! Who doesn’t remember Ross Geller and his squeaky fine in that margarita fueled episode of Friends. So why do we do that?
Why do we say we’re fine when we aren’t?
Look, short version, I don’t know. Here’s hoping there’s a professional out there that can tell us all. So, I’m learning to identify the moments that I’m not fine and use my words to express that instead. To say that I’m struggling or articulate what I need. To be clear and do my best not to try to determine whether the other person is judging me and my request or not.
It’s not always possible. Sometimes that flight, fight or freeze instinct kicks in, and I’m stuck in the moment of fine. Honestly, I think women are taught to nod and smile our way through almost anything, often to our detriment. As we’ve seen lately with local and international personalities, speaking up is often met with criticism. No one wants to be the one to bring the room down or look foolish.
But the other side of that coin is that when we break through the “fine” and share what’s real, the results are empowering, engaging and can be a relief to those around us. We must acknowledge that finding the words to declare ourselves not fine is a win. It’s the work there is to do for a lot of us. To stop and consider your answer for a moment when asked.
It’s been big news around here. The kids’ YouTube channel finally (fiiinnnnaallllyyy) reached 100 subscribers. We are all pretty pumped to achieve this first milestone. Especially as a channel made for kids with no specific purpose and, thanks to me, sporadic videos. It was level 100 excitement around here when the number ticked over. And because kids know what is what and they decided to celebrate.
Let there be cake!
And so we did, they talked about it, asked about it, and prompted me until we finally had a celebratory cake sitting in front of us, talking about what we love about making videos. It was a celebration of our win and something I know that I need to get better at. Maybe you do too.
A couple of years ago now, around this time, this blog turned ten years old. And there was little more than a blog post to mark the occasion. Which is, even now, disappointing. That kind of longevity and milestone deserved better than that. But at the time, I think I was too caught up in day-to-day life to acknowledge that.
Then, because time waits for no woman, the moment was gone.
Opportunity missed, another moment passed me by, lost to the sands of time. Which may, and probably does, sound dramatic. What can I say? That’s the way I look at it now. No, it doesn’t change the actual milestone. We still managed to keep this blog world afloat for ten years, and that can’t be taken away from us. But that was a win that deserved to be celebrated; for you and me.
And that’s the crux of it, I think. Where I was, mental health-wise, at that time wasn’t the best. Things I used to love to do were washed out, colourless versions of their former selves. I didn’t take the time to celebrate because I didn’t think I deserved it. It didn’t feel important enough to celebrate myself and my achievements for no other reason than I said so; it felt like a stretch.
But I was wrong, it was worth celebrating! I am worth celebrating.
And you, my friend, are worth celebrating as well. I know I needed to hear that and maybe right now, you are waiting for a similar kick in the pants. Too often we wait for those milestones society tell us are a celebration. Things like weddings, graduations, babies. But I’m becoming a firm believer that we shouldn’t wait for these things.
Firstly, because some of them may not happen for you. Weddings and babies especially are tricky things to ‘make’ happen. But also because if it means something to you, you should celebrate it. Don’t wait! Order a cake, pop a bottle of champagne or take a day off. Celebrate your wins and remind yourself and those around you that you’re worth it.
Over the last month, on my social media break (as much as work allows), I’ve noticed a few things. Things about my life that I completely missed in the non-stop app switch that is social media. Firstly, I’m not very satisfied with my life. I keep looking for meaning and coming up short. And yes, to be honest, it’s hard to tell if it’s general dissatisfaction or if I’m going through something. But the feeling remains.
And secondly, feeling good (making myself proud and doing what I want) has motivated me. And then, I started chasing the algorithm. Which algorithm might you be asking and concerning what? The short version is all of them and everything. From Google to Instagram, Twitter to Pinterest, I was creating and somewhat existing to tick a box. Except, the box was unclear at best or invisible at worst.
IRL and online, I was looking outside myself for that pat on the back that seemingly never came.
But I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to spend the next 20+ years of my working life unfulfilled and ticking boxes. And that’s precisely why I work for myself to have the freedom to create and do what feels good to me, especially when it comes to this blog. But also when it comes to living my life. It has to be my number one priority; I’m no good to anyone if I don’t find a way to put my happiness first.
And so, with all this figured out, this thought keeps popping in my head. It taunts me that I should have got a handle on this stuff already. That I should know better and that I can’t seem to learn my lesson on this one. I’ve been here before when I’ve felt disconnected from my life and threw in the towel.
At various stages throughout my life, I’ve been here before. Sitting on the steps of my first real home here, wondering if the choices I’ve made are going to create a life for us or sink us. Wondering if I’m capable, worthy or deserving. Wanting so desperately to make it all work. Exhausted by the very prospect.
But I won’t beat myself up for stumbling at this point again.
And just so that we are all on the same page, I know now that it’s time to seek some help. So that I can maintain the life I want to live and see it through using tools I’m yet to learn. At this stage, I’m not sure how much of that process I’m going to document here, but I’m permitting myself to share what I want. To stop being afraid of upsetting someone or putting a foot out of place. And to say nothing when it feels like something that is mine.
It turned out, in the end, I’m still a blogger. After reading Austin Kleon’s book Show Your Work, I realised that instead of racking my brain week in and week out for what I hope people or algorithms want, I could share what I’m loving/doing/enjoying instead. I could document the process.
Which, if I had paid attention, some of you have been saying all along. Yet everyone says a blog can’t be successful unless you focus solely on giving the reader what they want. Make it entirely about them and what they need. But I won’t survive if I do it that way. I’ve always found an overlap between you and me; we often go through the same things.
Let’s hope this is one of those times you are happy to come along for the ride.
Some of you aren’t going to believe this. Maybe I’ve claimed a comeback one too many times. But I’ve been throwing around some ‘show’ ideas for the YouTube channel too. I’m 100% not sure if I can pull them off yet, but I thought, that’s also the sort of thing you guys may want to join me in figuring out. And speaking of comebacks. I decided that while I’ve enjoyed experimenting with my hair colour again, I miss the blue. It felt like me, and I miss it. So, with some effort from the team, it’s making a comeback.
I’ve been here before, questioning myself and my ideas. Back in May 2020, I would give the blog a bunch of my effort and see what results I could get. Make a decision then if blogging was still for me after all this time. It’s hard to confront that the only real skill I’ve spent any time developing in the past decade might be obsolete.
But in facing that head-on, I learned that there is still a living to be made in blogging. Yes, it means a few more ads or affiliate links when the occasions arise, but it also means the blog is a business. Worthy of time in my work week and not just being relegated to those exhausted moments at the side.
The funny part is that maybe you won’t notice a change.
Funny haha, I mean, not funny, strange. If you follow the blog or the socials, maybe it won’t feel that different. I don’t plan on changing the topics I blog about, nor do I plan to conform to some new schedule or content plan. My haphazard style of posting will probably continue to bump from where to buy guides to rants and back again. That may all look very familiar, and I’m okay with that.
Taking a social media break has allowed me to check in with myself in a way I haven’t done for a while. Not looking at those ‘doing more than me to figure out what it is for me to share, but asking myself what I want. Everything feels different for me now. That’s what matters, or should matter, for any of us.
How amazing is it that we live in a time when women can decide to start a business, blog or personal brand and do it for themselves? For the things that matter to them like time, freedom and space to dig deeper into what makes them tick? To side hustle or create and ensure that their finances are their own. I’ll never forget how empowering it was to find, inspect and buy my own car. I imagine that feels a world away from women unable to open bank accounts without husbands or enter public bars.
The quiet of being without other people’s opinions or their fears allowed me the space to hear my own voice. To stand on my own two feet and ask the questions of myself that I hadn’t taken the time to ask in too long. What do I want? Am I happy? Why do I do what I do, and is there anything else I’d rather be doing?
The answer is I’m right where I want to be, with room to grow and options to explore. I’m a writer, a photographer, a blogger and a creative. And, since I saw my first magazine with pages of glossy advertisements, I’m a marketer. So it’s time to stop questioning all of that and start doing.
I’m back from my social media break and ready to roll.
If you’ve spent any time on Pinterest in the past year, you would have noticed the increase in ads from a certain non-diet diet company. My streams were bombarded, and despite reporting them as irrelevant or worse, they would still be there. It was not ideal, especially for a site called out for its problematic associations with eating disorder ideation in its early days. HuffPost covers the issues and their actions taken in 2012. But it seems the users weren’t the only ones feeling meh about the diet ads.
Well, it happened; Pinterest bans weight loss ads!
In a news post on their website, the company said it would also not allow ads promoting or discussing weight loss or weight loss products or ads referencing body mass index (BMI) or similar indexes. This policy came into effect July 1st, 2021, referencing a pathway to a weight-loss ad-free summer. Something that was suggested to them through their relationship with The National Eating Disorders Association. Here is the announcement post and some quotes from the article making the announcement.
Ads promoting healthy lifestyles and habits or fitness services and products will still be allowed, as long as they don’t focus on weight loss.
This policy change was developed with the guidance and advice of NEDA. “The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) applauds Pinterest for taking a leadership position as the first platform to prohibit all ads with weight-loss language and imagery. NEDA is encouraged by this necessary step in prioritizing the mental health and well-being of Pinners, especially those impacted by diet culture, body shaming, and eating disorders. We are hopeful this global policy will encourage other organizations and companies to reflect on potentially harmful ad messages and to establish their own working policies that will create meaningful change,” said Elizabeth Thompson, Interim CEO for the National Eating Disorders Association.
(Also taken from Pinterest news page)
source: Pinterest newsroom
In the Pinterest bans weight loss ads announcement article, Pinterest talks a lot about body neutrality. A move towards living and existing in a body that serves you and isn’t defined by how it looks or performs. This is something that I’ve been working towards for myself. A move that takes me away from the body positive movement that has become so co-opted and overrun. Instead, I’m moving towards something that frees me from this conversation entirely. Imagine that, a world free from discussions about the worthiness of bodies; what would be possible then?
Imagine being free from discussions about restrictions, diet pills, the newest fad diet or no-diet-diet or whatever it is being framed as. As women, predominately, imagine the time we would free up to discuss more of what matters to us. We would be free to discuss more of what collectively keeps us in our place. More of what we need and want without the restrictions of a culture focused on our bodies. I think about that all the time, how often we are controlled by this narrative of being attractive, small, or this generation’s version of perfect. What could we be doing instead?
This feels like a step in the right direction for me.
So, what do you think about Pinterest banning weight loss ads? Do you think diet ads should be banned on all social media sites? Pinterest has done it. And there are restrictions when it comes to weight loss on Facebook and Instagram. Is it time to pull the rug from under the diet industry and get back to a place where we treat each person and their body’s needs individually?
Looking for ways to get your confidence back? Maybe you’ve had a rough time recently, a break-up, challenges with your mental health, or you’ve had a baby, and this is about body confidence. If you’ve read some of my recent posts, you know I’ve been struggling with my confidence lately, too. Body confidence mostly, but isn’t it interesting how it finds itself in all areas of your life. And so, I decided to share what’s been working for me to get my confidence back. Because maybe they’ll work for you too.
However you lost your confidence, these simple steps to getting your self-confidence back will put you on the right path. They’re gentle, don’t worry. And not one of them suggests you change who you are. Confidence is personal to every one of us; in your heart (guts, maybe), you know what you’re doing. There are many different ways to go about this, but rebuilding your self-confidence is an inside job.
Get your confidence back after a rough spot.
Look for reasons to smile.
Sometimes when things happen to us, they shake our confidence to the very core. We don’t know who we are or what we stand for in a world that seems suddenly uninviting. So, flip that switch. Change things up by showing the world you know that good things happen too, that you won’t be kept down forever, and that warmth trumps cold every time. This is your reminder to look for things to be grateful for. All the good things in this world, about yourself and your current situation. The things that make you smile. It may sound like a simplistic way to look at it (smile and the world smiles with you), but I’ve always found truth in that. Find your smile again; it’s the secret to a happy life.
Get physical
It’s not just about those happy hormones that go pumping through the system with a bit of exercise. Getting your body moving is about reconnecting with it in a way that makes you get your confidence back. When many of us lose our confidence (misplaced it somewhere, haha), it shows up as a disconnect. Not just from who we are and what we want, but from the very foundation of us; the body that we live in. Reconnecting take practice, and practice leads to confidence. So, if there’s not something you do now that centres you in your body, try taking something up!
A little polish and shine
Get a haircut, buy some new clothes, take a long bath or generally do something that makes you feel good about yourself on the outside. That includes things like standing up straight, smiling at strangers and generally considering yourself hot stuff. For the fun of it, not because anyone, anywhere says. Have some fun with being charismatic. You are the main character (as the Gen Z’s say) in your own life, so start showing up like that. To boost your confidence, look for ways to celebrate yourself, whatever that looks like for you. Celebrate your wins, all of those ticks on your checklist, no matter how big or small.
Spend some time with yourself
You may think being alone with yourself is the last thing I’d recommend for getting your confidence back after a rough spot. But it’s not. I find that spending time in my own company helps me focus on what I need or want, how I feel about things and who I am in general. Yes, that will all be tested in the real world one day, but it helps to know where you stand before that happens. Take the time, get to know yourself a little better. When I lose confidence in myself and my abilities, I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore. Taking this time to sit with that and ask those questions always opens a door. Even if that door is just a tiny sliver of light way off in the distance, one of you taught me that, and I’ll never forget it.
Take a look around you.
Are the people around you there to hype you up or support you in being your best self? Do your surroundings reflect the person you are? For this final step, take a look around you and see what works and what doesn’t. Maybe it’s time to say goodbye to someone who doesn’t really fit into your life anymore. We all need love and support around us, so this isn’t a suggestion to cut all ties. But look for those who support you and celebrate them. Let the rest fall away. The same goes for your surroundings at work and home. Could your desk use a tidy, or is it time to roll up your sleeves and get some cleaning done around your home? Whatever it is, make room for who you are now; it’s time to clean house.
What if I told you there is a secret to being happy? Even better, it’s something you can start doing today, won’t cost you a cent, and with some practice, will become second nature. Great! Get those switches in your head ready to be flicked because it’s as simple (and as difficult) as not comparing yourself with other people.
Which, as an adult type being, will be something you’ve heard before. It might even be disappointing to hear.
Maybe you were hoping for something not requiring effort that happens instantaneously or was just easier. Something that you haven’t heard before! Anything but stop comparing yourself to others. I get it. Me too. But this is the secret sauce. Once you master this, you’ll be unstoppable, unflappable and unprecedentedly happy!Let’s talk about how.
How do you stop comparing yourself to others? The things they have, the lives they live and the people they are.
Firstly, you start by stopping looking at people (IRL or online) that bring out the worst in you. You know what I mean, right? The ones where you immediately spiral into a longing for everything they have. Just mute them for a while. Maybe you can come back to them later, after some practice. And maybe you won’t want to.
Next, you need to take a hard look at your habits for judging or ranking other people. Most of us only find it upsetting or frustrating to compare ourselves to others and lose. But how often are you comparing your life to someone else’s to get that score? Maybe, what needs to change is how judgmental you can be, not just about your life, but the lives of others. That’s judging and comparing.
How do you get over the ‘you’ve been weighed, measured and came up lacking’ feeling?
I remember that I am the type of person who cheers for other people to win. So, celebrate that. If your first reaction is a twinge of jealousy or a pang of envy, change it up and send love. And love can be in whatever form you like; excitement, gratitude, appreciation or joy. Celebrate that the things you want exist out there, and people have them. I find that can be a great way to assure myself that my time is coming.
While you remember things, remind yourself that sure she may have what you want, but that doesn’t make it any less possible. Something I had to face while we were trying to conceive many, many moons ago was that just because other people fell pregnant didn’t mean they were taking our turn. Maybe you’re in the same boat?
No matter what I initially felt, I would remind myself that there was no allotment of pregnancies to be filled. They would not just get to a number and be done, at which point you miss out. Not that I believe anyway. So, instead, refer back to the previous point and see it as proof that what you want is possible and be grateful for that.
But most of all, you practice.
Identify your triggers; what are the things that make you feel like your life sucks? For some, it will be Instagram scrolling or digging through a former classmate’s Facebook page. Maybe it’s movies and tv, magazines or other media. Where and when are you finding yourself in the action of comparison most? Social media will be a massive trigger for many of us, and being aware of that is important. Knowing when you’re shifting from feeling good to feeling bad is the first sign. Look for it. Seek it out. The more you know, right?
Then, and maybe finally, you move your attention away from thoughts of comparison, judgement and have-nots and on to what you do have. Focus, as the old saying goes, on your own grass. Or was it lane? Either way. Anytime I find myself feeling bad about the things I have or where I am in my life compared to someone else, I switch to gratitude. Practice it over and over again. When you feel it coming, change what you’re doing to thinking and move on.
What about you? How do you stop yourself from comparing yourself to others? (that was a lot of yourself for one sentence – haha). Is there a trigger that you recognise that you find best to avoid, or is it a practice of shifting your thoughts on to something else? Let me know in the comments; I think we could benefit from having as many strategies as possible.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, I wish I had that kind of confidence? Have you ever felt like everyone has confidence figured out but you? Well, team, what would you say if I said confidence looks different on everybody? And not just the body confidence side of things, but the confidence to start tat business, learn something new or stand up for yourself or others. Confidence comes in all shapes and sizes, and there is certainly no one size fits all method of having it.
I know that it can be a hard-fought battle, this whole confidence thing. But taker it from someone with some time spent in the trenches, the wins far outweigh the losses. When you find a way to step into being who you are, instead of worrying about what other people think of you, it’s life-changing. It will literally alter the way you live your life; day-to-day and in the long term.
But that’s not to say that you hit that perfect balance once and you stay there. You won’t. Some days I feel like my anxiety will crush me if I leave the house. While other days I am taken by surprise when someone seems to think that their opinion of me and my choices should matter to me. Because it doesn’t. I run my life, make all the choices (for better or worse) and live with the outcomes of that. Days like the later take a practice of being confident. Small habits and reminders day in and day out.
It takes finding what works for you!
Want to start improving your own self-confidence?
My best confidence tip would be to question everything. If you think you shouldn’t wear or do something, ask yourself why? Ask yourself who said so? Who says I can’t live my life exactly as I see fit? Do I care about their opinion? Why do I care? I find that when I continue to question when the limitations I put my myself or the negative conversations I have. Then they start to have less of an impact. I’m free or at least know where the bullshit comes from and can choose for myself. There’s power in knowing what motivates you to do things. It’s the secret to everything.
Then I think that you should fill your life with examples of people who are living life confidently; whether it be through body image and confidence books or social media. Seek out examples of what you want or where you want to be. Not to compare and find yourself lacking, but to inspire you to move forward, soak up their knowledge and keep from reinventing the wheel. Nothing has served me more in this life than curating the content I see on social media. Mute or unfollow accounts that make you feel bad (for whatever reason) or that no longer serves your goals. I know I’d love to have you follow my accounts if you’re willing? Find me at Suger Coat It everywhere, or start with Instagram here.
And stick around, because sharing my story and giving reminders to live life confidently is what this blog is about.
wearing confidence swimwear amenia top and bottom (size US20 – custom sizes available at no extra cost, gifted)
A lot of traffic comes to the blog for a post about where to buy plus-size clothes for teenagers. Teenage girls, predominately, with a couple of stores thrown in that would work for the guys too. The search terms got me thinking about my adolescent self and what I would say to her as an adult; if she’d listen to me. Not just about body image and hanging in there through what was to come, but about growing up. About ‘making it and the harmful effect that distant goal had. I’d want to talk to her about finding her way, happiness, and opening up.
It’s been over 20 years since I finished high school, so the memories fade. They dull a little at the edges, and the concerns I know I had. It’s easier to see those thoughts as silly or something I would get the better of. But I’d want her to know that they’re valid, and she was right not to trust them. I’d like her to know that being different and always a little outside the group isn’t something to be ashamed of. To be different, even when she struggles against it, is a gift. I’d love for her to see that sooner before she started to pull back and hide.
I’d want my teenage self to know that following good feelings isn’t as selfish as others told her it was. That being teenager is the best time to try stuff on for size and see what fits. Read the books alone in your room or the sunshine surrounded by water. Climb that hill, ride that bike and test your limits. Please do it now, don’t be scared of what others will think of you; try to put that aside. Now is a perfect time; I try to remind myself of that same thing. Stretch and grow, listen to your body and shut out the opinions of others. Stop covering your mouth when you laugh.
I’d wish her to know that her faith in herself isn’t misplaced. Yes, she’s already old for her time, but that will feel less like a gap to be closed over time. But, please, girl, stop believing that you have to be serious, ticking those boxes, to be a good daughter and a success in this life. It’s not true. Yes, drive and dogged determination brought you some fantastic experiences and things in life; a husband, first business and home. But it’s not the only way to get those things. And I hope you will learn to find patience, to stop forcing yourself and those around you forward.
And finally, there is one last thing to say to you, my teenage self. And I would be grateful if you could listen carefully to me now, friend. Time will pass, and the years will go by as fast as anyone ever told you they would. But there’s plenty of space to live your life in the moments and days to come. You have the freedom to grow, change, fail, and start again. Time hasn’t run out on me yet. So, trust yourself when that little voice says it needs more time to go slow or to look before you leap. But don’t wait too long, either. Don’t be afraid to take a risk. Your family have always had your back. A small group of friends too. Trust them, but mostly, trust yourself.
That’s what I’d tell my teenage self; what would YOU tell yours if you got the chance?
When they added The Greatest Showman to Disney + recently, I had no real intention of watching it—been there, done that, fantastic and everything but done. Then, the winds changed or something, and I was in the mood to watch it. But can I say that watching The Showman pull his life apart in search of something better was hard work? I was screaming at the screen at some points, sighing and rolling my eyes at others. Ouch.
What can I say? It’s hard to watch someone go through that process of achieving something then it falling apart around them as they self-destruct. Perhaps it is because recently I’ve gotten present to what matters to me and what makes my life enjoyable; love, family, fun in our daily lives. When did those things become not enough to define a successful life? When did the things that make us happy take a back seat to the ‘bigger’ things?
I think that we mistake the next goal, level or ‘thing’ as THE ONE that will make us happy. When, if we took the time to look around, we have everything we need and plenty of what we want; happiness being one. But how do you find joy in the life you have now? Whether, like The Showman, you have everything you have ever dreamed of or are simply on the path? That’s the secret, I think, the key to being content.
For me, finding ways to remind myself of where I’ve come from is important. Not in a way that drags your past with you, but celebrates it and sets it aside. Our history should never rule over our present or our future if things are working as they should. Give it all the love and gratitude it needs, forgiveness too if that’s how it looks for you, and move forward. Not a person reacting to or from anything, just who you are right now.
Then to really, truly be happy with what I have in life, I think of all the wonderful things I have; the people who surround me, the roof over my head, food in my stomach and money in the bank. If any of those things are missing for you now, trust they exist and are available to you. Let gratitude show up in your life for every little thing; look people in the eye, smile at strangers, open your door to those who need a seat at the table. Celebrate the gifts you’ve received and every you have right now, and suddenly, what is still to come, it doesn’t seem that far away or impossible.
And yes, to some of you this may seem overly simplistic or even superficial; a silly girl with her inane ramblings about a Disney movie. If that’s you, consider that being happy with your life isn’t what you actually came here for. Maybe you came to mock my optimism and dare I say it, faith. But, scoff if you will, laugh if you must because, for those of us willing to look around us, even now in the craziest of times, we know there is a lot to love about the life we are living.
Learning that lesson, to see the good in what you have, will protect us. Not from bad things happening from illness, disaster or the worse of what life has to offer. It will protect us from ourselves and our very human ability to survive rather than thrive. Because surviving this life, hanging in through endless workdays and proving ourselves to childhood voices in our head are distractions from the good stuff; from family, love, laughter, happiness and good times.
If you want to be happy now, right now, forget living up to what ‘they’ said you could or couldn’t be. Stop trying to beat out someone for the best piece of the pie or even the last bit. Don’t buy things you don’t need or barely even want to impress people who are too busy doing the same thing to look at you. Instead, ask yourself what matters to you. What is important to you. What are the things that make you happy? They won’t be things, by the way, follow the feeling.
You may just find that you have everything you could need right now. Maybe an awful lot of the things you want too. And if you don’t, friend, I know the one person who can change that for you. The good news you do too. It’s you (and for me, it’s me). Go for it, what have you got to lose.
