Writing a blog about confidence is pretty tough when you feel like a fraud. I should know; that’s exactly how I felt. Looking back, I knew things were really out of control when I attended an event in Brisbane, pre-Covid. In a room full of people, most I’d known for years, I couldn’t breathe. Nothing could distract or settle me. The walls were closing in, and the only thing I could do was get outside, sit and try to gather myself.
Maybe some of you were there or heard an account of it. Some people got back to me, said I was rude, stand-offish and made them feel like I didn’t care about them or anything but myself and my friends. Hard to hear, a gut punch. But I couldn’t argue with it. When you’re barely holding it together, keen to get out, I’m sure that’s exactly how it looks to others. Anxiety looks like that sometimes; I look like that sometimes; there’s no denying it.
And I was embarrassed. That I came across that way or that it would be the first impression some people had of me. Humiliated that I couldn’t take a few deep breaths and clear my head, I got stuck in the panic. I couldn’t face the blog after that. Some confidence guru I turned out to be. Not that I ever set out to be a guru; of course, I didn’t. But no one knew then how bad my anxiety had gotten, and I refused to share that.
Some days, doing ‘the best we can’ may still fall short of what we would like to be able to do, but life isn’t perfect — on any front — and doing what we can with what we have is the most we should expect of ourselves or anyone else.” — Mister Rogers
But hiding from it did nothing. It was still there when I worried about what people were saying or thinking about me. It showed up, and I felt like an outsider. Then Covid hit, and the last shreds of my chill slipped through my fingers. I embraced online groceries and deliveries and soon was buying everything online. There was nowhere to go, so I didn’t have to push myself to try anymore. There was relief in giving up. I was happy to stay there for as long as I could.
Then, in the middle of last year, things started to shift for me. I said yes to more things and let my excuses slip. Time passing had lessened the power of the anxiety that had surged so strongly through my veins in the years prior. Finally, I could see out from under my rock, and there, to be entirely cliche and sickening, was sunshine. I could breathe again, finally.
There’s no way that I ever want to resume my self-appointed confidence guru position. But confidence, self-confidence and body confidence will always be part of this blog, just as they are part of my life story and mental health conversations. So from now on, you can count on me to be honest about what is going on for me, good or bad, up or down. Who knows if you even want that from me? Maybe it will just be for my benefit and debriefing purposes, but we’ll see.
A couple of weeks ago, I received an Ask Suger talking about the changes they had been going through in their life and how they felt behind everyone else they knew. And it wasn’t that they were not getting what they wanted, feeling as if they were taking giant steps backwards. So, they wanted to see if I’d ever felt like that and if I had any advice. Phew, team, what a heartbreaker THAT was to read.
And primarily because, of course, I’ve been there. I promise you that we all have. Maybe it was as simple as changing a career when everyone else seemed to have worked out their dream job as a teenager. Or as significant as losing a partner, home or important career. For me, it was infertility and, later, tax debt that bought about my WTF moments. I’ve written about how waiting for somethingyou want changes you.
Feeling left behind as your peers move forward sucks. But what I think is really at the heart of it, for me at least, was feeling like I missed out. That someone else had what I wanted, and now there was nothing left for me. Of course, it wasn’t true; with time, I ended up in a different place altogether. But while I was in it, suffering and struggling to breathe, it sure felt like it was.
And then, there was the time we sold our home to pay off a tax debt – a big one. We’d just turned thirty, and inside of settling into this life we’d so confidently been creating, it all got stripped away. Living in my sister’s home, facing the mess that I’d made for myself (we had maybe, technically), it felt impossible that I’d have to start over. But, as impossible as it first seemed, which I think was my shame and embarrassment, it took one foot in front of another and a lot of support from those around us.
I’m wandering down memory lane like this because I promise you, we have all been there somehow. Feeling that you don’t have it together or that life is passing you by is something that happens to all of us. Sometimes it is. Yes, that’s a reality check we don’t want to hear but need to hear when it’s true. Maybe, like me and taxes, you need to try harder, create better systems or learn something.
Or maybe, you’re in the middle of getting what you want, and you didn’t even realise it? There have certainly been times when things were working out exactly as they should because I was looking for another way. Maybe those backward steps redirect you to the path meant for you all along? Perhaps you’re in one of the stages of achieving your goals and can’t see it yet? Whatever it is, know that I believe you are where you are because it’s where you’re supposed to be.
And sure, it’s not always fun and not always easy. But from here, who knows what is ahead of you and what adventure awaits? Do you know that old saying about being unable to see the forest for the trees? Maybe that’s you right now? Up to the eyeballs in trees. Hopefully, it makes you feel less alone and more supported as you move forward that we’re here with you.
There’s no such thing as the life you’re supposed to be living. No place to be or perfect ‘you’ve arrived’ moment of finality (until the end). Enjoy the ride, learn from your mistakes and have patience with yourself and what you want.
Where did I go? That’s the question I’ve been asking myself lately. How did I manage to disappear from my life? Somewhere around late 2020, I stopped documenting my life, being in pictures and outside of the weekly Suger News emails sharing. Where did I go? I don’t know. All I know is I was done with a grinding screech of an old metal brake. Gone.
And it wasn’t just the sharing of my life online that seemed more likely to be finished. Though, I did consider if I’d spent my time online and was ready to let it go. I’m not sure lip-syncing or dancing in short-form videos will ever be my thing. As a blogger, writer and photographer, perhaps my time had come and gone. And if it was time, I’ve had a good run. No regrets.
But in many ways, I’d also stopped living my life offline.
Working from home, it became easier to turn down invitations than to say yes. Soon my only interactions came via email, after-school care for my nieces and nephews and Desiree popping into the office once a week to assist. I’d shut down and closed myself off. Everything from food to shampoo, cleaning products to toilet paper was purchased online and delivered here. There became no need to leave the house, or so I thought, no good reason to go anywhere.
And as I got busier, taking on more and more new work and clients, it got easier to do. It’s not that people stopped asking, but I noticed they prefaced asking me anything with ‘I know you’re busy’ or ‘It’s okay if you don’t want to”. An extraverted introvert, I had thought this was what I wanted—boundaries and consideration for my homebody life. But soon, I felt it. I missing being around the people who light me up. The hole where my relationships had been. I missed being part of my life in a way I had so easily done just a few years earlier.
I wondered if it was the changes I saw in my body over the last few years, the loss of ability and the almost unrecognisable place I find myself. And I’m sure it was a factor in this society; how could it not? But I think it was my mind protecting itself. I was managing what I could manage and letting the rest go. I had set up a safe space filled with things to do and ways to survive – I’d kept moving forward. But now it feels like that safety net I so carefully built is holding me captive.
I’m missing, held hostage from my life.
Honestly, I’ve been trying to step back into my life for a while now, but I’m struggling to do so. Seeking a perfect, fast solution to a situation took me years to create; funny how we do that. So, I try to say yes and share a little more. There are more trips to the shops, collecting items I need in person instead of ordering them to be delivered. More day trips and small adventures, finding my feet with being around people again and learning the new limits of my body and mind.
And so, I take snaps with my phone even if I don’t appear in them yet. I let others draw me into their photos and try not to cringe when the result isn’t what I pictured it would be. I write my in a journal, finding the words to describe where I’m at and where I’m going. Using the pages to capture the weird and wonderful ideas that whirl through my head every day. I write there for me but practising that gave me the words to write here too. That’s enough for me at the moment. It’s enough to be at the start of finding my back (again).
When I shared the Lizzo’s Watch Out for the Big Grrrls announcement post over the weekend, I was hoping for a little more opportunity to talk about this show, maybe even rave a little about it. I’ve seen it twice, some napping occurred the second time around, and I had so much fun watching it—short version. But there was more to it than that. It got me thinking about this blog and why I started sharing myself here.
When this blog became a style blog over a decade ago, it took something for me to embrace this new online space I had created. I had to push myself, face up to myself and learn a lot (usually through failing). In its current incarnation, starting this blog felt a lot like facing the challenges on the show week after week, actually.
Except that we all know, or should by this stage know, that I don’t dance. Shuffle maybe. Sway, yes. But dance, no.
It reminded me how the old Aussie Curves challenges would push me week after week to get out of my comfort zone and show up. It worked that way for so many of us. With the support of others in those challenges, I would have the safe space to take a long hard look at myself. Then, when I felt I’d discovered something, I’d share that.
It changed how I felt about sharing myself and my body online. It pushed me to talk about my relationship with my body and how others related to it. Over time, I discovered myself in those challenges, found my voice and stood for who I am.
And I think that’s why I loved this show so much.
2012
2016
2019
2021
Because when people see the big girls showing up online, they can’t believe we can do it. They can’t believe that we can be and often are happy, living life, loving, succeeding and growing. Sure, it would be nice if the world as a whole got its head out of its ass and just let us live. But we are changing minds even if the community has (quite literally) shrunk in the years following that challenge.
I know in a lot of ways, I lost my voice. Sick of being spoken for by women who don’t know, who inhabit smaller bodies and are lucky enough to be still considered acceptable. I found it hard to speak up when after a decade, the problems, especially online, felt like they were getting worse.
Sure, we have seen some progress made, but for whom?
It’s still almost impossible to shop for a body larger than a size 20/22 in this country. God-forbid if you’d like to do so in-store. Brands shout inclusion and clothing for everybody (and “every-body”) at us from every angle than call a size 20 a 3XL in their limited extended sizing. New offerings pop up promising larger size ranges soon! Then the months go by, and those promises seem long forgotten, replaced instead with an ad budget to drown out the voices of those left behind.
For the most part, we continue to be represented by people who don’t know or see our experiences. Every single woman on Lizzo’s Watch Out for the Big Grrrls says at one point she wished she’d seen a person that looked like her anywhere when growing up. And while I saw plenty of white women, even a chubby one here or there, I know a small portion of that longing. And this show reminded me of that.
It reminded me that I show up for myself first.
To remind me of my worthiness and willingness to grow, live proudly and change something. Next, I show up for my nieces and second cousins, great cousins etc., who will grow up in a body like mine. A body that, for all the progress we are told is being made, is still wrong. I show up so that they will see someone who reminds them just to be themselves. It’s the only thing there is to do. Exist comfortably in the skin you’re in.
And then, last but certainly not least, I do it for you and anyone else out there that looks at my size 24/26 (give or take depending on the year) self with my broad shoulders, big chest, deep voice, long torso, loud laugh, and big feet and sees something of me in yourself. Through me, I hope you find a way to sit comfortably with who you are inside and out. Through sharing my struggles, I hope you know that you’re pretty great, just as you are; inside and out.
…
Thanks for coming to my Ted talk, haha. Have you seen the show? Let’s talk about it!
Starting the year out rushing to get back to work with emails flooding my inbox wasn’t ideal. I was overwhelmed, and on the brink of panic most days, I got on with things. And when asked? Of course, I was fine. Tired, but fine. Busy, but fine. I know all about being fine.
Being fine is such a default response for so many of us—especially the busy, doing it all types who are juggling many balls in the air. I’m fine, you’re fine, we’re all FINE! Who doesn’t remember Ross Geller and his squeaky fine in that margarita fueled episode of Friends. So why do we do that?
Why do we say we’re fine when we aren’t?
Look, short version, I don’t know. Here’s hoping there’s a professional out there that can tell us all. So, I’m learning to identify the moments that I’m not fine and use my words to express that instead. To say that I’m struggling or articulate what I need. To be clear and do my best not to try to determine whether the other person is judging me and my request or not.
It’s not always possible. Sometimes that flight, fight or freeze instinct kicks in, and I’m stuck in the moment of fine. Honestly, I think women are taught to nod and smile our way through almost anything, often to our detriment. As we’ve seen lately with local and international personalities, speaking up is often met with criticism. No one wants to be the one to bring the room down or look foolish.
But the other side of that coin is that when we break through the “fine” and share what’s real, the results are empowering, engaging and can be a relief to those around us. We must acknowledge that finding the words to declare ourselves not fine is a win. It’s the work there is to do for a lot of us. To stop and consider your answer for a moment when asked.
Ummm, excuse me, internet, but have you heard about Lizzo’s new show? “Watch Out For The Big Grrrls” is coming, and I’m not sure we’re ready, to be honest. It’s a dance competition for a chance to win a spot on Lizzo’s World Tour.
Now, I don’t know much about dance. My experience ended when I sized out of the ‘girls’ tutus around 9 or 10. But I know that dance hasn’t been kind to women who live in large bodies—deeming us incapable, unable or unworthy in varying degrees. So to see this opportunity for big girls to dance played out in a TV show, celebrating diverse women, bodies and personalities, well, I’m excited to see it.
For me, Lizzo brings plus-size representation to music and entertainment with style and unwavering nerve. But I understand that by existing in her body, she has no choice for the most part in the society we live in. Held aloft for all to see, judge and discuss. That can’t be an easy position to be in at all. So, I appreciate her hanging herself a little further out on that limb for all of us who need representation in media. For those of us who might need a reminder to go after our dreams.
Check out all the details on Lizzo’s Instagram, eeekkk!
And since March 25th is the day after my birthday, I think Watch Out For the Big Gurrrls presented by Lizzo will be an excellent addition to my birthday week celebrations. Don’t you think? Thank goodness I already have Amazon Prime. Haha.
It’s been big news around here. The kids’ YouTube channel finally (fiiinnnnaallllyyy) reached 100 subscribers. We are all pretty pumped to achieve this first milestone. Especially as a channel made for kids with no specific purpose and, thanks to me, sporadic videos. It was level 100 excitement around here when the number ticked over. And because kids know what is what and they decided to celebrate.
Let there be cake!
And so we did, they talked about it, asked about it, and prompted me until we finally had a celebratory cake sitting in front of us, talking about what we love about making videos. It was a celebration of our win and something I know that I need to get better at. Maybe you do too.
A couple of years ago now, around this time, this blog turned ten years old. And there was little more than a blog post to mark the occasion. Which is, even now, disappointing. That kind of longevity and milestone deserved better than that. But at the time, I think I was too caught up in day-to-day life to acknowledge that.
Then, because time waits for no woman, the moment was gone.
Opportunity missed, another moment passed me by, lost to the sands of time. Which may, and probably does, sound dramatic. What can I say? That’s the way I look at it now. No, it doesn’t change the actual milestone. We still managed to keep this blog world afloat for ten years, and that can’t be taken away from us. But that was a win that deserved to be celebrated; for you and me.
And that’s the crux of it, I think. Where I was, mental health-wise, at that time wasn’t the best. Things I used to love to do were washed out, colourless versions of their former selves. I didn’t take the time to celebrate because I didn’t think I deserved it. It didn’t feel important enough to celebrate myself and my achievements for no other reason than I said so; it felt like a stretch.
But I was wrong, it was worth celebrating! I am worth celebrating.
And you, my friend, are worth celebrating as well. I know I needed to hear that and maybe right now, you are waiting for a similar kick in the pants. Too often we wait for those milestones society tell us are a celebration. Things like weddings, graduations, babies. But I’m becoming a firm believer that we shouldn’t wait for these things.
Firstly, because some of them may not happen for you. Weddings and babies especially are tricky things to ‘make’ happen. But also because if it means something to you, you should celebrate it. Don’t wait! Order a cake, pop a bottle of champagne or take a day off. Celebrate your wins and remind yourself and those around you that you’re worth it.
If you’ve spent any time on Pinterest in the past year, you would have noticed the increase in ads from a certain non-diet diet company. My streams were bombarded, and despite reporting them as irrelevant or worse, they would still be there. It was not ideal, especially for a site called out for its problematic associations with eating disorder ideation in its early days. HuffPost covers the issues and their actions taken in 2012. But it seems the users weren’t the only ones feeling meh about the diet ads.
Well, it happened; Pinterest bans weight loss ads!
In a news post on their website, the company said it would also not allow ads promoting or discussing weight loss or weight loss products or ads referencing body mass index (BMI) or similar indexes. This policy came into effect July 1st, 2021, referencing a pathway to a weight-loss ad-free summer. Something that was suggested to them through their relationship with The National Eating Disorders Association. Here is the announcement post and some quotes from the article making the announcement.
Ads promoting healthy lifestyles and habits or fitness services and products will still be allowed, as long as they don’t focus on weight loss.
This policy change was developed with the guidance and advice of NEDA. “The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) applauds Pinterest for taking a leadership position as the first platform to prohibit all ads with weight-loss language and imagery. NEDA is encouraged by this necessary step in prioritizing the mental health and well-being of Pinners, especially those impacted by diet culture, body shaming, and eating disorders. We are hopeful this global policy will encourage other organizations and companies to reflect on potentially harmful ad messages and to establish their own working policies that will create meaningful change,” said Elizabeth Thompson, Interim CEO for the National Eating Disorders Association.
(Also taken from Pinterest news page)
source: Pinterest newsroom
In the Pinterest bans weight loss ads announcement article, Pinterest talks a lot about body neutrality. A move towards living and existing in a body that serves you and isn’t defined by how it looks or performs. This is something that I’ve been working towards for myself. A move that takes me away from the body positive movement that has become so co-opted and overrun. Instead, I’m moving towards something that frees me from this conversation entirely. Imagine that, a world free from discussions about the worthiness of bodies; what would be possible then?
Imagine being free from discussions about restrictions, diet pills, the newest fad diet or no-diet-diet or whatever it is being framed as. As women, predominately, imagine the time we would free up to discuss more of what matters to us. We would be free to discuss more of what collectively keeps us in our place. More of what we need and want without the restrictions of a culture focused on our bodies. I think about that all the time, how often we are controlled by this narrative of being attractive, small, or this generation’s version of perfect. What could we be doing instead?
This feels like a step in the right direction for me.
So, what do you think about Pinterest banning weight loss ads? Do you think diet ads should be banned on all social media sites? Pinterest has done it. And there are restrictions when it comes to weight loss on Facebook and Instagram. Is it time to pull the rug from under the diet industry and get back to a place where we treat each person and their body’s needs individually?
Looking for ways to get your confidence back? Maybe you’ve had a rough time recently, a break-up, challenges with your mental health, or you’ve had a baby, and this is about body confidence. If you’ve read some of my recent posts, you know I’ve been struggling with my confidence lately, too. Body confidence mostly, but isn’t it interesting how it finds itself in all areas of your life. And so, I decided to share what’s been working for me to get my confidence back. Because maybe they’ll work for you too.
However you lost your confidence, these simple steps to getting your self-confidence back will put you on the right path. They’re gentle, don’t worry. And not one of them suggests you change who you are. Confidence is personal to every one of us; in your heart (guts, maybe), you know what you’re doing. There are many different ways to go about this, but rebuilding your self-confidence is an inside job.
Get your confidence back after a rough spot.
Look for reasons to smile.
Sometimes when things happen to us, they shake our confidence to the very core. We don’t know who we are or what we stand for in a world that seems suddenly uninviting. So, flip that switch. Change things up by showing the world you know that good things happen too, that you won’t be kept down forever, and that warmth trumps cold every time. This is your reminder to look for things to be grateful for. All the good things in this world, about yourself and your current situation. The things that make you smile. It may sound like a simplistic way to look at it (smile and the world smiles with you), but I’ve always found truth in that. Find your smile again; it’s the secret to a happy life.
Get physical
It’s not just about those happy hormones that go pumping through the system with a bit of exercise. Getting your body moving is about reconnecting with it in a way that makes you get your confidence back. When many of us lose our confidence (misplaced it somewhere, haha), it shows up as a disconnect. Not just from who we are and what we want, but from the very foundation of us; the body that we live in. Reconnecting take practice, and practice leads to confidence. So, if there’s not something you do now that centres you in your body, try taking something up!
A little polish and shine
Get a haircut, buy some new clothes, take a long bath or generally do something that makes you feel good about yourself on the outside. That includes things like standing up straight, smiling at strangers and generally considering yourself hot stuff. For the fun of it, not because anyone, anywhere says. Have some fun with being charismatic. You are the main character (as the Gen Z’s say) in your own life, so start showing up like that. To boost your confidence, look for ways to celebrate yourself, whatever that looks like for you. Celebrate your wins, all of those ticks on your checklist, no matter how big or small.
Spend some time with yourself
You may think being alone with yourself is the last thing I’d recommend for getting your confidence back after a rough spot. But it’s not. I find that spending time in my own company helps me focus on what I need or want, how I feel about things and who I am in general. Yes, that will all be tested in the real world one day, but it helps to know where you stand before that happens. Take the time, get to know yourself a little better. When I lose confidence in myself and my abilities, I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore. Taking this time to sit with that and ask those questions always opens a door. Even if that door is just a tiny sliver of light way off in the distance, one of you taught me that, and I’ll never forget it.
Take a look around you.
Are the people around you there to hype you up or support you in being your best self? Do your surroundings reflect the person you are? For this final step, take a look around you and see what works and what doesn’t. Maybe it’s time to say goodbye to someone who doesn’t really fit into your life anymore. We all need love and support around us, so this isn’t a suggestion to cut all ties. But look for those who support you and celebrate them. Let the rest fall away. The same goes for your surroundings at work and home. Could your desk use a tidy, or is it time to roll up your sleeves and get some cleaning done around your home? Whatever it is, make room for who you are now; it’s time to clean house.
Recently I spoke about how my mojo feels like it packed up and left. Which, when you directly relate it to this blog, means taking photos of myself mostly. It’s what connects me to you and ultimately does well in the general search/Pinterest/SEO world. But I’ve been struggling to get in front of a camera. That’s the long and the short of it.
My body has changed in the last year or two. It looks different, and I look different, and that can be hard to reconcile in photos. I look at them and don’t like what I see—discarding most of them, not feeling like I could post others. I know I’m not the only one in this boat. When I think about what the world has been through in the past two years, it boggles my mind. But we did it. We made it here.
Today I’m going to say what is troubling me out loud in the hopes that by confronting it, it will diminish. By pushing myself to get out and taking the photos anyway, it reminds me of who I am. I am more than my body or face or how I look in photos. I’m a person with plenty to offer, and the way I do that is by showing up for people on the internet. Come what may.
Once, I credited taking outfit photos for the blog every week with my strong positive body image. When you stare at pictures of yourself week after week, set after set, you get a little numb to your features, your faults and flaws. It just blurs into what is; nothing good or bad about it. I’m reminding myself of that right now when the little voice in my head does its worst.
And, if, like me, you miss out, opt out or make excuses to avoid being in front of the camera. Consider this post your reminder to stop doing that! You’re perfect just the way you are, and I don’t ever want your body or how you look to define that for you. We will do the work and show up, just as we are, and I know things will change for us.
How can I be so sure about that? I know because I’ve done it before. This blog has changed my life in many ways than I give it credit for. Have I mentioned that? When I started blogging didn’t have a single photo of myself to use as a profile photo (so I decided to blog anonymously, lol). Entire pieces of my history and life are gone, left to the vagueness of memory—an untrustworthy source at the best of times.
As I participated more, took the photos (and kept them!), the documentation of my life streamed along behind me; the people and places, the highs and lows. I want that for myself again. For there to be a record that I was here and I lived a big, exciting, joyful life. I want to be in the middle, undeniably living; I want to show up. Let that be my promise to you; that’s what I’ll do. Even when I don’t want to or don’t feel like it, imperfectly perfect, I’ll be here.
What if I told you there is a secret to being happy? Even better, it’s something you can start doing today, won’t cost you a cent, and with some practice, will become second nature. Great! Get those switches in your head ready to be flicked because it’s as simple (and as difficult) as not comparing yourself with other people.
Which, as an adult type being, will be something you’ve heard before. It might even be disappointing to hear.
Maybe you were hoping for something not requiring effort that happens instantaneously or was just easier. Something that you haven’t heard before! Anything but stop comparing yourself to others. I get it. Me too. But this is the secret sauce. Once you master this, you’ll be unstoppable, unflappable and unprecedentedly happy!Let’s talk about how.
How do you stop comparing yourself to others? The things they have, the lives they live and the people they are.
Firstly, you start by stopping looking at people (IRL or online) that bring out the worst in you. You know what I mean, right? The ones where you immediately spiral into a longing for everything they have. Just mute them for a while. Maybe you can come back to them later, after some practice. And maybe you won’t want to.
Next, you need to take a hard look at your habits for judging or ranking other people. Most of us only find it upsetting or frustrating to compare ourselves to others and lose. But how often are you comparing your life to someone else’s to get that score? Maybe, what needs to change is how judgmental you can be, not just about your life, but the lives of others. That’s judging and comparing.
How do you get over the ‘you’ve been weighed, measured and came up lacking’ feeling?
I remember that I am the type of person who cheers for other people to win. So, celebrate that. If your first reaction is a twinge of jealousy or a pang of envy, change it up and send love. And love can be in whatever form you like; excitement, gratitude, appreciation or joy. Celebrate that the things you want exist out there, and people have them. I find that can be a great way to assure myself that my time is coming.
While you remember things, remind yourself that sure she may have what you want, but that doesn’t make it any less possible. Something I had to face while we were trying to conceive many, many moons ago was that just because other people fell pregnant didn’t mean they were taking our turn. Maybe you’re in the same boat?
No matter what I initially felt, I would remind myself that there was no allotment of pregnancies to be filled. They would not just get to a number and be done, at which point you miss out. Not that I believe anyway. So, instead, refer back to the previous point and see it as proof that what you want is possible and be grateful for that.
But most of all, you practice.
Identify your triggers; what are the things that make you feel like your life sucks? For some, it will be Instagram scrolling or digging through a former classmate’s Facebook page. Maybe it’s movies and tv, magazines or other media. Where and when are you finding yourself in the action of comparison most? Social media will be a massive trigger for many of us, and being aware of that is important. Knowing when you’re shifting from feeling good to feeling bad is the first sign. Look for it. Seek it out. The more you know, right?
Then, and maybe finally, you move your attention away from thoughts of comparison, judgement and have-nots and on to what you do have. Focus, as the old saying goes, on your own grass. Or was it lane? Either way. Anytime I find myself feeling bad about the things I have or where I am in my life compared to someone else, I switch to gratitude. Practice it over and over again. When you feel it coming, change what you’re doing to thinking and move on.
What about you? How do you stop yourself from comparing yourself to others? (that was a lot of yourself for one sentence – haha). Is there a trigger that you recognise that you find best to avoid, or is it a practice of shifting your thoughts on to something else? Let me know in the comments; I think we could benefit from having as many strategies as possible.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, I wish I had that kind of confidence? Have you ever felt like everyone has confidence figured out but you? Well, team, what would you say if I said confidence looks different on everybody? And not just the body confidence side of things, but the confidence to start tat business, learn something new or stand up for yourself or others. Confidence comes in all shapes and sizes, and there is certainly no one size fits all method of having it.
I know that it can be a hard-fought battle, this whole confidence thing. But taker it from someone with some time spent in the trenches, the wins far outweigh the losses. When you find a way to step into being who you are, instead of worrying about what other people think of you, it’s life-changing. It will literally alter the way you live your life; day-to-day and in the long term.
But that’s not to say that you hit that perfect balance once and you stay there. You won’t. Some days I feel like my anxiety will crush me if I leave the house. While other days I am taken by surprise when someone seems to think that their opinion of me and my choices should matter to me. Because it doesn’t. I run my life, make all the choices (for better or worse) and live with the outcomes of that. Days like the later take a practice of being confident. Small habits and reminders day in and day out.
It takes finding what works for you!
Want to start improving your own self-confidence?
My best confidence tip would be to question everything. If you think you shouldn’t wear or do something, ask yourself why? Ask yourself who said so? Who says I can’t live my life exactly as I see fit? Do I care about their opinion? Why do I care? I find that when I continue to question when the limitations I put my myself or the negative conversations I have. Then they start to have less of an impact. I’m free or at least know where the bullshit comes from and can choose for myself. There’s power in knowing what motivates you to do things. It’s the secret to everything.
Then I think that you should fill your life with examples of people who are living life confidently; whether it be through body image and confidence books or social media. Seek out examples of what you want or where you want to be. Not to compare and find yourself lacking, but to inspire you to move forward, soak up their knowledge and keep from reinventing the wheel. Nothing has served me more in this life than curating the content I see on social media. Mute or unfollow accounts that make you feel bad (for whatever reason) or that no longer serves your goals. I know I’d love to have you follow my accounts if you’re willing? Find me at Suger Coat It everywhere, or start with Instagram here.
And stick around, because sharing my story and giving reminders to live life confidently is what this blog is about.
wearing confidence swimwear amenia top and bottom (size US20 – custom sizes available at no extra cost, gifted)
