You know the gift shop signs? Something about paying more for shoes than your husband knows about. Or about leaving the delivery somewhere your husband won’t find it. Cuteeeee, right? Umm no. Not for me.
Tee hee, boys are so silly, girls love to shop bullshit.I have a sense of humour, I get it. Heck, my father may never know what my mother’s giant stash of scrapbooking stuff is REALLY worth.
But really, it’s not funny.
Having always worked and never having any real major breaks in my income (#blessed), I’ve never asked a partner how I could spend my money. Especially on something as trivial as shoes or clothes. It’s my money, and as long as the bills are paid, I will dispose of my disposable income as I see fit.
I’ve always just wrinkled my nose up at these types of things. Like I mentioned above, my parents never really had ‘rules’ about “his and hers” money, spend limits or clothing budgets, they just figured it out. I can’t imagine doing it any other way.
Kel and I have always run an easy breezy household when it comes to spending money. Major purchases only have to be discussed. And by major I mean, unnecessary. If our washing machine broke, I’d be happy for him to replace it. I just wouldn’t be cool if he decided he wanted a new tv when our current one is perfectly fine.
You get it, right?
We all make our rules, and we can all spend our money within our relationships as we see fit. It’s those darn signs, they make me think of women who have been designated ‘child carer’, or are unwell, or situationally unemployed and give up their disposable income, who are then required to ‘ask’ for money from joint accounts. Ick.
And if you do, that doesn’t make it wrong. At all. There are a number of reasons that you may need to discuss purchases or budget set figures. But if you’re hiding purchases or aren’t “allowed” them at all, well, take a closer look at that. What is this, an allowance or payment for services rendered or something? That’s always given me the willies.
A penny for your thoughts, ladies.
And no, I’m not just saying that to justify the three LARGE packages that just arrived today. I’m a big girl, I know I went overboard. Winter knits, they called to me. Haha. This is about self-sufficiency and equality in your relationships. And only a little bit about how much I hate those stupid gift shop signs.
Feeling like it’s time you reconnect with your partner? I get it. It can be easy with many balls in the air to drop the one marked relationship. If you’re feeling a little disconnected from your partner, we have some ideas to remedy that. Because it’s easy to fall out of touch even if you are living in the same house, lives running parallel with each other.
You get busy, and I get busy, we all get it. Now what?
Staying connected, communicating, is key to keeping things rolling along. I might not be THE expert in relationships, but I’ve managed to maintain a pretty darn awesome one for 15 years now, so let’s say I know some stuff. A connection isn’t something you should wait to show up or reappear; you have to go after it. If it’s time for you to reconnect with your partner, these ideas should help you out.
Try Camping
My friend Liv is freaking out right now. Haha. But it works. You go, just the two of you {if that’s possible, family trips can be fun too}, and with all the quiet, wifi free time, you find a way to reconnect even if it’s just to come together to figure out how the heck that giant tent ever fitted into that tiny bag. Mr Suger and I head to the beach all the time for this reason. Whether it’s one night or an entire week, it gives us a chance just to BE together.
Try heading out at night; just the two of you.
You could go into nature, out to dinner, or even stroll through the street of your local area – safety first. Taking the time in the quiet of night to spend some time together helps you to reconnect no matter what your day threw at you. It’s like the old saying goes, don’t go to bed angry. Well, we’re saying, don’t go to bed without checking in.
My Doctor told me once that he and his wife would take a walk around the block every night after dinner was cleared away. It would be a quiet moment for them to talk about their day, share what was going on for them and get some exercise. And I love that idea. It’s great for digestion, apparently, and it makes time for a daily debrief away from the house. It may not be suitable for those with young children, but for everyone else, this is a great idea. Exercise and connection, win/win.
Try a quiet night in, no TV.
Kel and I are guilty of getting home late, eating whatever dinner can be cobbled together and flopping on the couch, exhausted. We decompress there until it’s time for bed and then the day is over. Couch time isn’t a bad thing, but make sure that you spend some of that time without the distraction that is TV. Cuddle up, absolutely, but turn on some music, grab a book or so something that allows for conversation. I especially recommend the cuddling; wink wink.
Eat out, no phones
Kel and I are pretty good about having an actual conversation when we go out to eat. We tend to check in on our phones while we wait for our breakfast order in the same way people read the newspaper. When it’s been a while since we got to hang out or if the conversation is limited to shopping lists and dinner arrangements, we leave the phones behind. Use that time to have an actual conversation and not just run through things you have to do this week or mundane stuff. Reconnect, you know what you need to do.
Share the love, how do you reconnect with your partner? When life is busy, what keeps you in touch? Leave it in the comments and help us all out, would you? Haha.
Look at that. It’s Tuesday already and I’ve spent the last few nights {and one day} trying to edit a video with no success. Less than no success. I was probably 80% complete when the program insisted on crashing constantly and ended up corrupting the file.
Excellent. This is exactly what I pay you a billion dollars a month for Adobe. Thanks so much.
Do you ever have days like that? I know I do. With this video making business, they seem to come more frequently. Have a mentioned before there’s SO much to learn? I did. Awesome. YouTube, you’re killing me here!
And as good as it would be awesome to flip off my laptop and pout on the couch, I won’t. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned in this lifetime, it’s that you can’t help such things. You can’t help it and you may as well do something anyway. Create, if you wanted to create.
So, instead, I’m writing this little post.
Because being a creator of things is hard, sometimes. It can feel like you’re all alone in the world. Especially when things aren’t working. It can feel like you’re the only one that shitty things happen to. The only one who loses hours of work, hits refresh instead of saving, delete instead of close or clears a memory card before saving.
Good news? It’s not just you. It’s something that we creators have in common. Whether we write, blog, take photographs, attempt to make YouTube videos or paint, we are alike in our shared experiences. The highs and lows of making something for the world to consume. Sometimes, creating is a lonely thing but it doesn’t have to be.
Just open that browser, uncap that pen or wheel out the easel {is that a thing? I don’t know} and share what it is you’re doing. Creators and appreciators will show up. The community will make itself know to you and share in your challenge or your success. They’ll drag you back from the customer support line for Adobe too, if you ask them.
Do you need me to do that for you?
It’s fine, I’m fine. iMovie has ridden in on it’s very slow, kind of glitchy white horse to save the day. I’ll get this video made one day. So, I’ve got some time for you. What do you need right now as a creator? How can I help you get there? Clear the air, share your success, whatever it is. I’d love to hear.
I write often about the funny things that happen in my relationship. The silly things Hubby does or the annoying. Sometimes I’ll break character and share something sweet like the way he always kisses me goodbye in the mornings even if I’m asleep. I was thinking about all of that the other day. Today. Thinking that the fun, the sweetness and the laughter don’t really cover off one main thing.
Relationships are hard. Marriage is the worst.
I don’t know about you but for me, the very idea of being married, belonging to someone else FOREVER was a tricky concept to grasp. I wasn’t a girl who dreamed of her husband or future wedding. I never planned for children or a household to manage or anything. Yet another case of me missing the ‘girl gene’. So nothing surprised me more than falling in love and wanting to marry.
As time went on the shock of actually wanting to commit my life to someone wore off and I settled into the relationship. We found a balance and constantly looked at ways to make it work. I cannot imagine that I am an easy person to be married to. I don’t think anyone is. We laughed, cried, fought and spent those horrible times silent when no one would say a thing.
More and more I came to realise that this marriage was for life. I was talking to a friend, telling her that Hubby and I had been married for 10 years next year and that it was AGES. Such a long time. Soooo long. Ages. She just laughed at me and said ‘honey, you’ve got a long way to go yet’. And it hit me. I do. A long time. A long, long, long time. God-willing.
And for me, that’s why marriage is the worst.
I’m great at relationships, I’m particularly good at the type that ebb and flow and rise and fall. I like space to do my own thing and be on my own. That’s how I have always made friendships, relationships with my family and colleagues work. You can’t do that in marriage and have any sort of success long-term. I’ve found that to be married successfully you have to be all in. Open and free with communicating the good and bad and never have one foot out the door. You need to be together.
Hubby and I have found a good balance. We certainly aren’t the couple that spends all our time together. That works for some people. You know who you are. I think that it’s the finding of what works for you that is the most important. For me, there has been no winning formula that I have been told or shown as an example that perfectly works for us.
We found a way that works for us and that my friends, is what it is all about.
Otherwise, it’s a long, long, long, LONG time to be trying to make someone fit into an idea you have of marriage. And in my experience, those who are having ‘the perfect’ marriage, with ‘the formula and lots of judgemental lines in the sand about what makes a marriage ‘good enough’ are the people who find themselves in situations where they can’t forgive the small things. Can’t look at their partner as a whole person with flaws and faults and will one day have that bite them on the butt.
Don’t be that person. Find your way. YOUR WAY. Just work together, keep your feet firmly planted in your relationship and don’t sweat the small stuff. It is, after all, all small stuff. Most of all find a way to be married that works for you both and have fun creating a relationship just like that. Do it with lots of love. And sex, always lots of sex. Haha.
Got a marriage tip for us? Did you take to marriage easily or was it something you had to learn?
When bride.com.au approached me about doing a post for them, I thought maybe they had missed the boat. My wedding was over 8 years ago now, after all. You know, before Pinterest. I’m not really in the market for wedding dresses and bridal type items. But then I was like, hold on; I know LOTS of brides. Friends, family and friends of friends… I can go all Aunty Suger on this and offer advice from an ancient bride to a soon-to-be one. I said yes, and here we are.
Five tips for brides-to-be so you don’t lose your freaking mind.
Go easy on people. Your wedding is super important, top of the list, the most amazing thing in the world, for you. Not everyone is going to feel the same way. Sure they’ll be excited to come to celebrate and see what the bride is wearing, but that’s about as far as it goes. Some of the biggest arguments to come out of planning our wedding were I can’t believe you forgot/you don’t care/put in some effort argument. It’s horrible, and later {for the most part} you’ll feel like a fool for making such a big about it.
Don’t be upset if friends can’t remember the exact date of your wedding three years out or how many bridesmaids you’re having… Think of weddings you have attended in the past, did that stuff matter to you? Until the week or two before, it probably didn’t matter that much at all to them. That’s not about you and how much they love you. It’s about life, being busy, and people having other stuff going on.
Have a clear idea of what you want to spend and what YOU ARE spending. It’s time to get your best spreadsheet skills out. Weddings can add up. You add some gift bags here and there, flowers for sprinkling, confetti {or rice, whatevs} and bit by bit, it adds up. To this day, I am still terrified to work out what we spent on our wedding. Many things will pop up along the way that you will think you can’t live without. For future reference, that’s probably not true. Stay calm and stick to your budget.
Budgeting is important, and so it is staying on track. Try a notebook to scribble down amounts or staple invoices/receipts in to. It might just help you decide between the five-tier buttercream wedding cake or the slightly more modest version. Did I tell you we forget to serve our guests the wedding cake? We totally did. Hello, three tiers of caramel & white chocolate mud-cake just for us. Winning.
It’s never going to be perfect, so stop freaking out. There is plenty of wedding dresses magazine’s out there with lots of perfectly styled, wonderfully weddings. And yes, they are fun to look at and pinch details from. But what you don’t see if the hungover groomsman in the car {Hi John!} or the paper bag lanterns catching on fire {that totally happened to me}, amongst other things. The reality is that when it comes down to it, there is no perfect wedding, but you may find it was perfect for you.
You’ll probably cry, laugh until you snort, tell someone off or all of the above during the wedding planning process. Yes, thanks for asking; you have become Bridezilla. We all say it’s not going to happen to us. But for me, my moment came when I sat on my parents’ kitchen bench in floods of tears, complaining they weren’t interested enough in MY BIG DAY. Or actually, maybe it was when the florist told me they could get white cabbage roses, but they had lots of carnations on the Thursday before my wedding, and I SCREAMED at her.
Whatever it is, chances are if you are planning the wedding yourself, paying for at least some of it, have an idea of what you want that is pretty specific, or people around you with their own lives, you will crack it at least once. Other people will nod and smile and say you were fine. But they are lying. Wait until 5 years down the track when it becomes the butt of family jokes. Then you know.
My advice on this part is to get that you may be a bit unreasonable sometimes. Try not to give yourself too much rope. The last thing you want is a lifelong bust-up with your bestie over bridesmaid dresses. It’s not worth it. Take a deep breath, do something to de-stress and check the attitude lady. You know, if you can.
And finally, don’t listen to former brides when they give advice. If it makes you feel bad, question things you love or make you feel like they are competing with you. There are many people with a lot of input out there, so choose when to listen and when to ignore. This day is about you and your partner, celebrating your love, the commitment you’re making and inviting the people in your life to share in that. Keep that top of mind, and you’ll be fine.
So there you go, folks—my top tips for surviving wedding planning if you are anything like me. Sure some people cruise through effortlessly, but I haven’t met them. Some make it look easier than others. I personally chose the champagne route and was in a sparkly bubble haze most of the time. It’s tricky business, be kind to yourself, the people around you and try to have SOME fun. It’ll be over in a moment, and you’ll be wishing you could have your time again.
Got any tips for our future brides? Put your Ask Suger hat on and share them below. Or better yet, share your wedding disaster story. They are THE BEST.
