Lately, Kel and I have been ordering a meal delivery service (which we love) but in the interest of saving a little extra money for our upcoming cruise, we cancelled it. This isn’t such a big deal except that it’s been a long time since I took any joy from preparing the food we eat. I used to love to cook and found real pleasure in preparing food for family and friends.

But somewhere along the way of untangling years of disordered eating and my attitudes to food and body image I lost it. It became hard. Complicated and steeped in learned behaviours I wasn’t sure that I wanted to keep. Behaviours I also worried were living just below the surface ready to consume me again.

It became easier not to think about it.

If I’m honest, I coped by not thinking about it. Food was just something that happened and not in a “food is fuel” sort of detached way. I was hiding from having a relationship with food. It controlled everything. When and what we were eating became the focus of way too much of my day.

It became pretty obvious in the first week back from the meal plan, that I had to look this in the eye and deal with it. Face decades of under and overeating, triggers and hidden behaviours. Piece by piece and in a way that was sustainable. It was time to look at the conversations I had around food, take it off its pedestal and back where it belongs.

To see its value, but not above my own.

So, today I cooked. It didn’t turn out perfectly but it tasted pretty darn good. As I chopped and measured, I listened for what I was saying to myself. You know that thing where they say house plants do better when you talk to them nicely, so what about you? That’s what I was trying to practice. Maybe feed some positivity into the meal. Let’s hope the pumpkin doesn’t have too many feelings about being eaten.

When it came time to eat, I sat down, not in front of the TV and just ate. Chatted a little, and consumed the food I had made. And it didn’t suck. I enjoyed the meal and actually cooking it. I enjoyed sharing it with Kel and making time to go over our day together with food as a bit of a sidebar. You know, the way it should be. Or probably IS for most people. I’m calling it a win.

Progress, yes? One day down; a lifetime to go. Haha.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

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