by Melissa Walker Horn | May 9, 2017 | Confidence, Style + Beauty
Look, I kind of want to say dump them, but I won’t. Not yet, maybe later. If your partner doesn’t like your clothing choices it can be tricky to navigate. Everyone wants to be attractive and getting approval from the person who loves you is always nice. But what happens when they don’t ‘get it’?
That’s what I want to chat about. It’s something that comes up in questions and conversations often enough. Heck, just this week Kel told me my dress looked like a sack and I should consider a belt. I don’t know why or where it came from, but apparently, he’s Anna Wintour all of a sudden. Haha. But in the end, he knew and I knew, it was none of his business.
Sometimes he weighs in.
And, sorry Kel, but I rarely listen.
He has never really weighed in on my appearance. Not my body, my style, my hair… None of it. There have been times I’ve asked for his opinion and genuinely wanted an answer (perhaps this is where this newfound confidence to weigh-in comes from, haha). But other than that, he does him and I do me; together. It’s gone a long way towards how comfortable I am in my own style. He saw it all, from peasant skirts and peplum to sporty sneakers and pencil skirts.
As you find your style, there are going to be people who get on board with it. They will support you and cheer you on. Then, there are people who are one hundred per cent NOT going to be on board with it. Maybe it’s different to how they saw you, from what they like or it’s a big change from what you were doing before. Change is hard for some people, that’s their thing.
But what if that person is your partner? How do you navigate that when you’re learning what you like for yourself? First of all friends, no one has a right to tell you what to wear. Ever. Let’s get that out of the way; EVER. You should stop listening. Altogether. It’ not about them and, there is no requirement for you to dress to please them. Learn what you like first, make it about you. That’s an okay thing for you to do, you know?
Starting by doing this one thing; stop asking people for their opinion.
Seriously, are you insane? Unless you are actively asking them to lie to you (and what good will that do?) then what is the point of you doing that? You are looking to them to validate you and your appearance. It happens, we are all bred with some level of wanting approval from others. Hello, I’m the firstborn, I’ve got it in spades.
But when the feedback from the outset was that they weren’t into it, you won’t win. You can’t. It’s either false praise (and you’re going to know it is) or it’s not what you want to hear. It’s a big ask, but you have to stop looking outside of yourself for the approval of others. Stop asking if they like your dress, your shoes, your hair and find other ways to have them validate you. Make them buy you presents and tell you you’re pretty. That would be cool
And if all else fails, head over to Man Repeller; an entire blog started on the idea that sometimes, dudes just don’t get fashion but we wear it anyway. Sounds like fun, right? It is. It’s the best, easily one of my favourite blogs turned media businesses ever. Practice your rebellion with the team! And in the end, when you’re faced with criticism from a loved one, there’s only one thing to do.
Check-in with yourself, what do you want? Do that.
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There is, in the end, something else to say about this. If your partner is controlling what you wear, making selections for you and only ‘allowing’ certain items they approve of then you’ve got a problem. Maybe they withhold money from a joint account so you can’t buy them, pout when you choose things they don’t like or simply demand your compliance. That is controlling, manipulative behaviour and you need to look closer at that, maybe with a professional if it feels like it’s getting worse. And most importantly, if you are in a situation you would like assistance to get out of, please go to this link and see what they can do for you (Australia). They have an ‘escape’ page option so that it’s there if you need it too.
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by Melissa Walker Horn | Aug 6, 2016 | Personal
Today is THE day that Mr Suger and I celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary. This man that I get to share my life with is someone special, let me tell you. But this isn’t about that. Not really. It’s about what I’ve learnt so far about marriage and relationships and life. And I know that it’s something you guys are interested in, so I thought I’d take this chance and share it with you.
I’ve learnt that you have to keep talking. Even when you don’t want to. Especially when you don’t want to. You need to talk about silly things, about your day and when there feels like nothing left to say. Be in a conversation because, in the end, that’s what relationships are, a life shared.
I’ve learnt that you have to keep laughing. Oh boy, do I know this to be true? When I look at Kel, and he’s managed to get himself in some kind of compromising position, or tries hard to be funny, or shows me yet another meme he found on Facebook, I know that that laughter matters more than any argument we could have about his socks being under the couch. The fun, the joy of it, that’s what the good times are all about.
I’ve learnt that you need to be together. You need to have each other’s back and never waiver from that. My father said to me early in my relationship that we need to be on the same team. Even if it meant, we had to ‘discuss’ matters in private, but we needed to be a united front. Because support and loyalty mean a lot. Especially when the alternative is little digs and undermining side comments.
I’ve learnt that there’s no such thing as too much love. I think if you’re in love you should hold hands, snuggle, make out. I think if you want to lay in bed all day or watch Netflix on the couch curled into a ball, you should. And for me, the queen of anxiety, I think that if the way you feels overwhelms you sometimes, you need to go with it. Embrace the love and all the possibilities that come with it. Even if that means one day you may be hurt, or alone or broken. Especially because of that, you need to embrace the hugeness of love.
I’ve learnt that life doesn’t go as planned. For us, that meant our original plans for children being thwarted, then set aside. It meant selling up to pay a tax bill. It was business success and failure. It involved a honeymoon 10 years after the wedding. Life, it loves to laugh in the face of your plans so you might as well roll with it. Find the exciting, fun, joyous, madness in it and let everything else go. Plan to throw the plan out the window. That’s what I actually learnt.
And before I go, let me tell you about this one day, a few years ago now, that I was having a conversation with a friend’s mother. We were discussing marriage, my plans at that point to celebrate our 10th anniversary, and I said ’10 years is SOOOOO long’. Taking in the look on my face, she laughed and said, you’ve got a long way to go yet, lovely. I stood there. I stared at her, mouth open. I frowned. I furrowed my brow.
Holy shit.
She was right.
Like a loooooooong way to go yet.
And on days like today, when we are going to be surrounded by my family to celebrate my parent’s 40th wedding anniversary, I know we can make it. God willing. This man, this silly, gorgeous, supportive, strong, kind, generous, open man; He makes me so happy. He’s made my life.
Thank goodness for him.
by Melissa Walker Horn | Oct 21, 2015 | Confidence
Ladies and very few gents, do I have good news for you! You are who you say you are. And who you say you aren’t. You are those things and no one can take that away from you. The other side of that coin is that you decided them, so love it or loathe it, it’s all on you. Now isn’t that interesting.
I work a lot with businesses on their branding. Not the design side of things but the actual nutting it out and talking to people through that branding on social media. These conversations always start with knowing what people say about the brand.
Branding folks seem to say the same thing, your brand is what others say about you. It’s nice to have some input, but in the end it’s not up to you. Then we work from there and develop a strategy to change or maintain that perception depending on how aligned it is.
So maybe that’s the case with yourself too?
Nope. As far as personal branding (not the business kind, the being who YOU are variety) it’s different. Yes, people are still going to comment, weigh in and give their two cents. They will have an opinion of who and what they think you are. Let them, your personal self isn’t dependent on them.
When it comes to being yourself they don’t have the final say. Really, they don’t have any say if you don’t want them too. You are the head of the super powerful, well-dressed, crime family that is yourself and no one in their right mind would consider bumping you off.
Do you know what is so powerful about being the one who says who you are? It means that if you said who you are you can un-say it. You can change your mind anytime you like and say something else. And given enough time and repetition, that is exactly who you will become. The ball is in your court. All the balls are actually in your court. Every. Single. One.
So take a look at who you say you are. Think about it now. Who are you?
Most of us come up with a list of items we do such as our job description or relationship status. Look deeper team, who are you? Start to look at the traits that make up your personality. Happy, joyful, short-tempered, smart, loving, loyal… Then you get a little closer. Start to listen as well to who you are saying you aren’t. When I said smart, what did you think? Yes or no? What about loyal?
You decide who and what you are. Self is pretty much a declaration with a bit of action behind it. So think about it and choose. You want to be easy-going and loyal this week, excellent. Next week you want to add ambitious to that mix? Even better. That’s the beauty of being your own boss when it comes to saying who you are. You decide.
And you know what that means right? You are responsible for the conversation around you being a loser, not something, not enough. You are in the ongoing source of those conversations. For most of us, we didn’t start them, but we sure as heck picked them up and ran with them. It’s time now to stop doing that. You could be standing in your own way when it comes to something that means a lot to you!
So start listening. Get clear on who you are or would like to be. Start declaring who you are. Then get out there and live it. You’re the boss. Take those reins and lead the way. You will never, ever be sorry that you did. I promise you that.
Want to share withy our friends? Pin away team.
So tell me, who are YOU?
