Look, it’s everywhere. Healthy is the new skinny. Skinny was the old fit. Curves are the new whatever… Blah blah blah. The assumption is when you work out that you’re doing it to look a certain way. Usually to get thinner. Which, even in 2017 is still a widely held goal. 5kg, 10kg, 30kg… Whatever it is for you. That could totally be your motivation. You do you.
It’s a hard old world out there.
Wanting to fit in by having your body look a certain way to be accepted by people is completely understandable. As a fat woman, I completely understand the pressure. I understand wanting to fly in an aeroplane, ride on a bus or go to the cinema without being reminded of your size, wouldn’t that be nice? So sure, I can get changing your body to make it fit is appealing. I’d rather the world changed, but you do you.
However, there ARE people who are just out for a walk, hitting the pool for some laps or working out just because. You can’t assume that everyone exercises for weight loss, or to be smaller or to get a bubble butt. Sure, they are some of the reasons. A very small amount of possible reasons. There are infinite combinations of reasons why. None of them better or worse than the other. Just reasons, based on decisions you made with the information you had.
Heck, Ashley Graham made a list!
You just don’t know, what someone’s motivations are.
To assume you know, well, that’s just going to make it awkward for everyone. Plus, you really need to figure out why you’re sitting there wondering why someone is working out. If you want to start a conversation so badly, try starting with hello. Instead of ‘good on you, you’ll be there before you know it’ or other such comments.
You see, working out when your fat means people assume a lot of things about you. They assume you’re new to here. Then there are the assumptions about your abilities or overall health. After that, when they get used to you being around, they assume you’re disappointed that you aren’t yet ‘skinner’. After that is usually unsolicited diet, workout or healthcare advice.
See what I mean about assumptions. Made any of those yourself?
Yeah, me too. It happens to all of us because we are conditioned to believe that thinner is better. That exercise is punishment for the food we shouldn’t have eaten. A chore to be managed to prove ourselves worthy of ‘health’. But it’s just not true. There is a host of benefits to your physical and mental health from getting moving. Activity and being active, if within your capabilities, is something that will enrich your life. Guaranteed.
So, my friend, next time you see someone exercising, walking along the beach or cross-fitting {probably not a word}, let those judgements and ideas you have about what their motivations are, go. They won’t serve you and they certainly won’t serve them. I mean, you know the concept of ‘Mansplaining’, right? I call the habit of assuming fat people want or need your advice ‘fatsplaining’.
Don’t be that person. No one likes that person.
In the end, let’s face it, why they are moving their body, on their own time, in their own way is absolutely none of your business. See how weird it is now that I say it like that? Start pulling apart the thoughts you have about bodies, whether they are similar to yours or not. Question everything. Don’t ever assume you know someone just by looking at them. Then, we all get to live happily ever after. Someone tell the internet.
It’s finally here! As I mentioned in my post earlier in the week, the whole idea of sharing my body confidence story started as a video idea. I wanted to add my story to the Confident You video series and share with you where I’ve come from and where I’m at. Well, team, that video is finally here.
In this video, I share my experience and touch on what I shared in the blog post. But as I go, sharing my ideas and thoughts on body image and the impacts these ideals have on us all. I’ve always tried to be honest on this blog. To share what is happening for me, where I’m at and the wins and losses as they occur. This is part of that.
I needed to share my body image and confidence story here. It was such a missing for my blog and YouTube channel to have others share their thoughts and not put my thoughts on the screen. But without further ado, here we go.
Body Confidence: My journey here
I hope there’s something in any of these videos that strikes a chord with you, and if you want to share your “Confident You” Body Image story, send me an email. I’d love to have you.
And while I’m here, can I say your support of the blog post both here and on the Facebook Page has been amazing? Seriously. The way you shared yourselves and your story supported me and sent love to other women struggling. Well, it’s the reason I love you all so much.
I realised something! My YouTube channel offers the Confident You experience, but it’s super limited. I was lucky enough to share videos featuring Chantelle from Fat Mum Slim and Rachel from Rachel Gee Bee on developing relationships with their bodies. BUT my story wasn’t here. That’s a bit of a missing! Right? So, I decided to record a video. My body confidence story which will go live in the Confident You playlist as soon as the bloody thing uploads. Gosh.
But first, to get my thoughts clear, I wanted to write it. I’ve always been a blogger and a writer first, so that made sense to me. Here it is, in the hopes that for some of you it will inspire you to make a change. Maybe it will encourage you to give yourself a break or start questioning the things ‘they’ told you.
Ready? Here’s my body confidence story. GO.
For me, body confidence wasn’t part of the conversation for a long time. I grew up on 400 acres; we were constantly outside having adventures. On weekends you would find us at the beach, especially during summer. My body was a vehicle for life, nothing more and nothing less. Even though, when I look back, I was always bigger than the other kids, I never felt anything but at home in my body.
Until the boobs started to come in and people noticed.
The awareness of those around me forced me to consider, for perhaps the first time in my life, that I was different. Before that when someone called me fat or tried to shame me for my body, I was genuinely surprised that they noticed.
Soon swimming carnivals became something to be avoided. My body was so different to the girls in my age group around me. I was told by parents of friends that I needed to eat less, perhaps consider a diet, if I wanted to avoid that ‘puppy fat’ taking up residence. Suddenly, at the very time when a girl wants some privacy about the changes in her body my body was THE topic of conversation.
So, I did my best to fit in.
It was during my final year of primary school that I realised that it wasn’t working. The class lined up to be weighed and measured in some description of PE class. I knew I was about to be outed. Surrounded by girls and boys who weighed much less than I did. They would all know soon enough. My body was wrong. That experience of recording our weight and height has never left me. It sits in the back of my memory now all these years later.
I was almost my full adult height that day, at 12 years old. And probably pretty close to what would be considered a pretty average weight for that size. But I was a child, a female child, and according to the world, what I was, was wrong. I’m not sure what the purpose of that was? To this day, I have no idea what the actual lesson was about, all I hear is the beating of my heart in my ears.
If anyone can tell me, I’d be keen to know.
Consider that as you fight the obesity epidemic like it’s a plague. Those kids, the ones you want to reach, they can’t hear you. They already know the world hates them. By pointing out the things that they already hear from people around them, you push them a little away. It’s time for a new plan. Your old plan sucks. So hard, take it from me.
By the time I entered high school, I’d devised a plan. Led by a crazy person in the form of a personal trainer who ONLY ate a single jam doughnut a day because he just couldn’t kick those sugar cravings. I exercised more and ate less. Way less. I trained all the time, and my naturally athletic (big, but athletic, obviously) body conformed to those demands.
I was getting there. Finally, I was shrinking.
And people, just as they had noticed the boobs, they saw the shrinking. Boy oh boy were they happy. It made their day. This fat girl that they were so WORRIED about was suddenly smaller. Their conscience was clear of all the things they said to me and the little digs they took. It was justified. She heeded our warning, look at her, she looks great. What a relief.
Because that’s what it is, right? It’s a relief for people not to have to confront their feelings about health and that association with mortality. Or their prejudice or bias towards people of a certain size. It not them, it’s us. We’re the problem. Not how we are treated or the fact that you will condem a child. Oh no. It’s easier if those people, the fat people, just fix it already.
But I wasn’t fixed. No, they had succeeded in breaking me.
Instead of the child who didn’t consider her body, I was a teenager who wanted it to look a certain way. All that happened in this process was that I started a cycle of breaking myself. Disordered eating to the point that even now I have no idea what it feels like to understand a signal from my body. This cycle continued well into my early twenties. Losing weight, gaining weight, manically exercising, never leaving the couch. Over and over again.
Then somewhere in my early twenties, I got pretty over that.
Weight was harder and harder to take off, I was considering behaviours that would damage my long-term health, so I just threw in the towel. I moved, I gained like 20 kg, and I beat myself up every single day about not being strong-willed enough or determined enough to control how my body looked. Notice I said how it looked? Not how it felt? See the problem there?
Time passed, and I got married, at my highest weight ever, and I settled into life as a wife, cafe owner and drinker of way too much wine. Those subscription services have a lot to answer to when it comes to me, let me tell you. I was fat, happy, more than a little slow when it came to climbing a hill, but doing okay. Having come through a major battle with depression, and the way my body looked just wasn’t a priority anymore. Bit by bit I started to shift my focus to how I felt.
And a seed was planted.
What if it didn’t matter how I looked? What if those people who told an 11-year-old girl her value was in an attractive body and perfect shape were wrong? But most importantly, what if there was no way my body would ever meet those standards and I should just find myself a nice comfortable, middle ground. That line of thinking changed my life.
Piece by piece I changed my mind.
I fought battles I didn’t even know I was fighting under the surface. I challenged everything. Pretty soon my response to people sharing their thoughts on my body was to tell them to fuck off; it was none of their business. And can I tell you that felt amazing? My life started to change, and I focused on feeding my body what it needed to go from a to b. I embraced that natural order of things that I had as a child and lived an active, somewhat balanced life.
Then I started a blog. A personal blog about myself and our life. Pretty soon after starting that blog, we had the experience of suffering a miscarriage, followed by years of infertility and early-stage pregnancy loss. My body, which I had finally somewhat made peace with, had turned on me. It had proved itself useless in the most fundamental of ways, and I hated it.
Hated it with, as the movie quote goes, the fire of a million suns. I hated it.
During this time, a time when there was a laser focus on what my body was doing and when was when I started to disconnect from my body again. I watched for signs and clues that it was working as it should, but ignored it in every possible other way. When it didn’t produce the outcome, I wanted I would stop eating, overeat or push myself to exercise more in a method of coping I’d been practising since my teenage years.
This relationship that I’d taken such care to craft was falling apart, and I didn’t see it. I had my eyes on another prize, something I deemed infinitely more worthy. Something that, it turns out, I thought that I needed to be worthy (but that’s a tale for another day). I lost weight, I gained weight, and I tried every diet program or eating suggestion under the sun. Nothing made a difference; I kept finding my way back to the middle.
And boy, did I hate the middle.
Five years after that initial miscarriage I stopped trying to fall pregnant. It was another two years after that that I spoke to my husband about not wanting children and how I found myself called to do other things. And it has been a year since that conversation and I’m finally addressing the damage that was done to my relationship with my body all those years ago. I don’t trust myself right now to make “good” choices. I feel that every step I take might be the first on a slippery slope back into disordered eating and mania.
It’s why I’m getting help. It’s why I have been hiding behind the words of others when it comes to sharing about body confidence. Not able to see that for me, when my body turned on me, that I did what I do best and I cut it off. But you can’t exist forever in a bubble separate from your body and how you feel about it. It doesn’t work in the sense that there is a way SO much better than that out there.
So much better than just existing.
I’ve been there. And now, I’m working my way back in the same way that I did it before. I’m questioning everything anyone tells me, including myself. Looking instead for the cues and messages from my body that have been hidden behind emotions and anger for too long now. Right now, it’s about building that trust, knowing that an awareness of where I’ve been is the best thing for knowing how to move forward.
And occasionally, as I see fit, telling others to fuck off out of my business. Because, stubbornness and sass have served me well in the past, I’ve never been so good at being the nice girl. Trust me, it won’t serve you either.
If you think blogs are great at changing your ideas about body image wait until you hear these killer body image podcasts! They are going to go head to head with that little voice of yours and kick its ass. Are you ready for that?
Let’s just say that I was a bit of a podcast newbie. I’d downloaded a few after a blog conference once but couldn’t really get into the format. It’s not my fault, I doze off when someone reads me a story. It’s a throwback thing, I’m sure. Since starting my very own podcast SUGER + INK last year with Samara of Blonde Ink, I’ve delved into the world of podcasts.
And the short version? Now, I love podcasts.
I love listening to them when I’m driving and when I’m chilling in my spa (which I do a rather lot). After a while, I went looking for women in far off spaces of the interwebs who are changing the way we think about our bodies. Plus size women preferably, but I was open to any and all sources.
What I did find was a slew (such a strange word) of interesting, exciting body-positive conversations to change your mind. It is these voices, these conversations that will change your mind, reprogram you, into thinking differently. Trust me on that. It’s changed my mind over and over again.
I started following Sarah during my last Confident You challenge after someone shared one of her quote images with me on Instagram. I’m glad I did because I’m loving her podcast too. Let Sarah talk to you about your body, the relationship to it and how you can support those around you.
I’m pretty new to this podcast but I’m loving it. It’s like, a super professional, lots of great guests, super awesome podcast. I love that we can talk about our relationship with food here and it feels safe and without judgement.
I don’t know about you, but I believe that most of us have some sort of distorted or disordered relationship with food. “They” programmed us that way. This podcast may be focused on eating disorder recovery, but for me, it’s helped me start to change my mind about my relationship with food and my body in general.
Ahhh bustle, it started on Facebook and now it’s here. I love this idea and while I’m only a couple of episodes into this podcast (I think it only has about ten episodes at the time of writing this) I’m loving it. Fun, professionally done (derrrr) and I can imagine they are going to access to some CRAZY COOL guests.
And of course, I’m loving mine! We return from our extended summer break on Monday and I can’t wait to get into the year. Last year we did topics of the week, but this season we hope to address more newsworthy items, things that come across our path in terms of our experience as plus size women and, for me mostly, the things that make us angry and a little bit ranty. Haha. So, tune in, I’d love to have you guys there too. The SoundCloud player is in my sidebar if you ever just want to listen from here.
And that’s my list!
Are you listening to a body image podcast that you love? Make sure you give it a shout out (name or link) in the comments, and I’ll check it out.
It’s true. I’ve put on weight, and people are weird about it. But not in the way that you’d think they would be. Perhaps you’re imagining well-meaning folks giving me weight-loss tips or advice on dieting. Well, nope. That hasn’t happened. What has happened goes a little something like this;
Me & Them: Some description of conversation, turns towards gym or eating or wine or cheese. Or all of the above.
Me: Yeah, I’ve been feeling it since I hurt my foot, I’ve put on a fair bit of weight.
Them: No you haven’t, you look beautiful. No way.
Me: Well, actually, I literally have. It’s not a thing, it’s a fact. I’ve put on weight.
Them: Nooooo. No way. Seriously. I think you look great.
End scene.
On and on it goes in some version of this conversation. I decide that maybe it’s not even worth discussing (because weight gain/loss and such discussions are so meh, really). Subject change. And yes, don’t lecture me, if I was a “better” body positive fat person I wouldn’t have even brought it up. But I’m not.
I love the gym. I love the way that exercise makes me feel. And I KNOW that the injury to my foot would be alleviated by reducing the weight on it, not adding to it. So I sometimes talk about it with people I know. Normal, I thought. Apparently not.
Here’s the thing, I’m clear I’ve put on weight, but it feels temporary and related to circumstances. People, however, seem VERY concerned with me saying so. Noooo, you haven’t put on weight. No way. Not a chance. You look great. When I know, and I have said, that I have.
Why is that, do you think?
I know why I think they do that. But you probably guessed that given that there’s a blog post. Appearing out of nowhere, like an apparition, on my poor neglected blog. Why would someone not prone to lying about such things, deny me putting on weight when it’s clear I have?
There’s one answer in my books. Gaining weight is something we are so programmed against that friends and family will do anything to shield you from the ‘disappointment’ of that. But what they are really saying is no, you didn’t fail. No, you’re worthy and valuable. No, you’re not lazy and disgusting and stupid. After all, those things are what we are told fat people are. Even slightly fat people.
Nevermind a seriously fat person.
Of course, they don’t want me saying such things about myself. They want to protect me from the very idea of that. And maybe, in some way they think, I’m seeking reassurance. Because that happens too. Reassurance that even with a few (more than a few!) extra kilogrammes I am still valid. Except that, I’m not looking for that. At all. On both counts. Not that I’m aware of anyway, worth a look, though.
For me, mentioning in passing that I’ve put on weight is what it is. It’s me, having gained weight. Fact. I’m not becoming a different person. Nor am I any more or less aware of my body than I was before. I think we all need to watch how we have that conversation. Myself included. Very much myself included. There are so many conditioned messages around weight, weight loss and health, that it can feel like a minefield.
Maybe the only response to these conversations is for all of us to ask ‘and how do you feel about that’. I mean, I was really just looking for someone to talk to about my options and frustrations. Possibly pointless and a waste of my time, but that was what I wanted. If someone had asked me our new favourite phrase, maybe I’d be over it by now?
What say you, team? Have you had this happen to you? What did you think was going on? Should I just shut up and stop talking about weight gain all together? Discuss!
Miss Canada, Siera Bearchell, was everywhere last night. While scrolling the interwebs late last night, I couldn’t sleep, I’d over-napped. That headline jumped out at me from not one, but multiple locations. Shamed for her larger body. Trolled, hitting back at the condemnation of her body, is seeking to redefine the ideals of beauty.
But are we surprised?
I hate to tell you, but I’m not. A woman that looks like me would never make it that far. We are weeded out in much earlier stages if we choose to compete at all. Women who are remotely ordinary are not in the international arena, so what are we talking about here?
Are we surprised that someone who, according to a former Miss Universe could take out the crown if she lost eight pounds (literally eight, like 3.628kg), is being shamed in this arena? If there is less than 4kg standing between you and perfection, then shit, what’s all the drama about? Isn’t that what a beauty pageant are about? Take the ideal, try to meet it, and see who wins?
I wholeheartedly agree Siera Bearchell doesn’t deserve commentary on her body.
Even in a pageant arena. After all, is that what the entrants are there for? Her body? Maybe it is. But the madness of this is, let’s not forget, this is a thin, able, educated woman. A woman who defines modern beauty. If not for the Universe, for Canada. You cannot forget to say that in the coverage that presents her as an oversize person. She isn’t. She one hundred percent isn’t.
Participants speaking out and saying I am happy and confident now, in this body, is great. Ms Bearchell mentions on her Instagram that her previous pageant experience hasn’t always felt like that with restrictive diets and self-confidence challenges. Great. Let there be more honesty about what it takes to create and maintain a body like that, acknowledging a hefty helping from some great genetics, let’s face it. Let that be represented.
But, when all that is said and done it’s important to note that her body fits pretty much every ideal for modern beauty. Tall, long limbs, hourglass figure, long hair, big smile. Check, check, check. She isn’t redefining beauty and body standards; she just gave us an insight into how imposed it is in the pageant world and how unrealistic it can be.
It’s not a beauty pageant; it’s a scholarship program – Miss Congeniality.
Real changes to beauty and body standards can’t happen, in my opinion, in this arena. For whatever re-branding pageants have gone through in the past decade, to an outsider, it is still very much about placing a woman’s value on her beautiful face, even temperament and killer body. I don’t think the two things can exist in the same space.
Because, if this is the redefinition of beauty and body standards that’s coming, that we and those before us have worked so hard for, some of us are going to be sorely disappointed. It’s the same, but with a brand new ribbon around it. That’s not enough.
Maybe I have pageants all wrong. Perhaps in 2017, they are a very different world to those represented on screens and in magazines, but something tells me they’re not. Something like asking a participant how it feels to be SOOO much bigger than the others. Something like comparing her body to the one she had when she was 16. You know, things like that.
So, are we really surprised? No.
Do I remain quietly outraged? Yup.
Before I wrap this up, let me clarify that this isn’t about saying that Ms Bearchell is wrong. Or that she shouldn’t share her experiences as part of her journey. Absolutely not. It’s about each of us recognising that our experience is different.
That (for me) pageants and everything they stand for are part of the problem, not the solution and that her experience of body shaming is very different to someone who is genuinely inhabiting a ‘larger’ body. And that media, phew, they love a good headline. Haha.
There’s this thing that happens when you blog about plus size fashion and combine it with confidence and body positivity. People will tell you that through doing that, you are glorifying obesity. That I am waving a flag and saying hey you, you should be fat too; look how happy I am!
But here’s the thing.
I’m fat, and I like clothes. Thanks to the internet, people let me talk to them about personal style and finding clothes that fit, which is a legitimate issue once you pass the standard clothing store sizes. I do this by taking photos of myself; there’s no one else around here I could use. I am front and centre, no ambition to model, but with a blog to fill and clothing holy grails to share.
That’s the problem, right? Not that fat women wear clothes or that we shop. Plenty of places to shop are getting on board to take our money these days. It’s that I’m visible and unapologetic about my body and what it looks like. That you have to see me and YOU feel a certain way about that.
But that’s not all, right? I have the nerve to tell people how to live. Bonus, I love telling people what to do. Which, graciously, I’m given the space to do. I get to share my ideas on living a great life, and I’m a self-appointed expert on confidence and kicking some ass.
I’m not here to glorify shit.
There is an argument for me glorifying myself. We are a narcissistic bunch, us bloggers. Haha.
I’m merely here living my life. What I wear, what I do, the places I go, the people I love and what I cook (sometimes, I’m all about the good photo, you’re never going to see my beef stew on here, it’s just not pretty enough). Suger Coat It is a personal blog, which, by definition, is personal and prone to being all about me.
As part of that, I’m sharing with other women on the internet my view on things. I aim to encourage all women (and men if they’re interested in such things) to live full, happy, exciting lives starting right now. Not ten years from now and absolutely not 10kg from now. Right now.
If that is glorifying obesity because I, a fat person, encouraged you to do that, bloody hell, I’ve been doing that this whole time. I probably owe someone an apology. Here I am, glorifying obesity all over the place. I was thinking I was a human doing things and forgot that you see me only as a fat woman who shouldn’t be happy or visible or considered remotely cool.
My bad.
Thank you for reminding me that my value is my body. My worthiness is defined by my ability to attract a man. That my value doesn’t come from my life experiences or the skills I’ve honed, but in the size of my waist, my ass or boobs. Here’s the thing, you might believe that, but I don’t.
I find my value in my dedication to family and friends, in being kind, my ability to love, and always trying my best. It’s in my quick mind, the way I form a sentence and share an idea; my ability to question and learn. It’s not in my body, and it never was. Sorry, mate, you’re wrong again.
I know the value I bring and if a part of that is questioning the widely held ideas of the worthiness of fat people, then great. In the end, all I am doing here is living visibly. If for some reason that challenges your idea that thin is the only way to be happy, fulfilled and whole, then mission accomplished.
It’s been a big week so far for the Confident You Body Confidence challengers. Wow. We’ve talked about everything from our insecurities and body shaming to celebrating our body wins and those people who love us no matter what. To say I’m proud of where we are as we enter the home stretch is an understatement.
As part of the challenge, I sent out a crazy number of requests for body confidence related quotes, thoughts, and tips. The people you see below are those that responded (I could have done better representation-wise, I will spread the net wider again next time) and became our daily poster child. It’s funny how with a pre-planned idea of daily emails, that these quotes all found a way to perfectly fit the days.
Magic.
But then, that’s what happens when you take some time out of your every day to examine something as important as your relationship with your body. I’ve seen people in the challenge group change their mind about beliefs they’ve held for decades because of something someone has said or a thought they hadn’t had before. So take some time today, whether you choose to join us in the challenge or not, and consider your relationship with your body.
Me – Suger Coat It
“Now is the only time that matters when it comes to taking back control of your body”
I want you to hear me out on something. Your body, how you feel about it, all of that stuff just as it is right now, is FINE. Perfectly, imperfectly fine. You don’t have to wait to weigh less or be fitter, to be well or anyone’s version of healthy to start. You have to start now. Now is the only time that matters when it comes to taking back control of your body and loving it.
Meagan Kerr | www.thisismeagankerr.com
Think about it, are you going to wait to be shorter to start? Until your skin is a different colour or your hips are suddenly not as wide-set? Impossible. Literally impossible. So instead, consider this.
We all know the scene from Bridget Jones where he says he’s into her, just as she is. JUST AS SHE IS, right? Well, I want you to make this your mantra. You might not like the look of your thighs or feel your smile is lopsided, but you can love those things just as they are.
You start changing the way you talk about your body and by adding AND I LOVE IT JUST AS IT IS after anything negative you let yourself say about your body. And the best part is, you can do it now. Right now. Because the truth is that if you don’t start now, you never will. If you don’t start making a stand for changing the conversation in your head and the way you and other talk about your body, it won’t ever be different.
EVER.
So stop waiting for the right moment. The perfect occasion, body or block of time and make the leap today. You deserve to make this change right now. Not later. Not never. Right now. So start by taking some time to define what body confidence would LOOK LIKE for you?
Would it be wearing those shorts you’ve stashed in the back of your cupboard? Being seen in swimmers by the pool? Maybe being naked in front of a partner in the privacy of your home? What does it look like for you? Describe it. Describe what it looks like, what it feels like, smells like, tastes like and sounds like. Jot it all down.
Let’s go!
Hit play to hear from Erika of The Queen of Confidence about what Body Confidence means to her.
For those joining in the photo challenge (on Instagram or in the Facebook group) feel free to share as much (or as little) of what that looks like for you using the #mybodypositive #sugersconfidentyou hashtags. We want to be able to support you in drawing this new line in the sand RIGHT NOW.
Fat or skinny, short or tall, athletic or squishy, in 2016 there is little chance that you will be able to escape the running commentary that is ‘bodies’. Your body is the only one to be concerned about. The only one. But that’s not the way it is for most people. So today, I want to talk to you about how you deal with other people talking about your body. Talking about it, weighing in and giving opinions like they own it or something. Which collectively, I think they do.
But they don’t.
Let’s get clear about that now. You are the owner of your body. The way it looks, gets used, exists and the things it does are all up to you. You’re the boss. The ONLY boss. Your body is not a democracy; it’s a dictatorship and you, my friend, are the all-powerful dictator of things. There is no one external to you that has any say over your body. No one.
The question about dealing with other people’s conversation about your body came to be framed as how to handle fat-shaming. But these tips will work for fat-shaming, skinny-shaming, body shaming in general, slut-shaming and a whole raft of other things. Shame man, let’s kick its ass.
Which brings me to point number one; you cannot be swayed by the unsolicited opinion of others.
Know in your gut that YOU are in charge of your body and can use it in whatever way you see fit. You are the boss. And if you are the boss, why are you letting people tell you what to do? Be a boss. Stand proudly for who you are and embrace that you don’t have to change a thing about you to be worthy of respect and space to exist.
When dealing with the conversation about your body, my next tip is to be blunt, be direct and be a smart-ass. You don’t owe anyone a ‘nice’ reaction to others conversation about your body. While I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, we can all be awkward and say stupid things sometimes; I like to call people out too. Tell them, or remind them in an indirect way, that my body is MY business, not theirs.
When a stranger said I was tall, I entered sassy mode and asked too tall for what?
A large man once asked if I was going to fit in an aeroplane seat, I stood up to my full height, squared my shoulders and said, are you? When my nephew called me fat to get a reaction out of the congregated group of adults, I told him he was NOT entitled to talk about my body. I mean, you can’t (can you?) tell a kid to fuck off, right?
When you start to believe that you have the right to exist in your body, you will find it easier to stand up for yourself. Even in a situation where you may not hold power (at work, in a professional setting or with your darn elders). Remember, when it comes to your body, you do. You always do.
But you know what, maybe you won’t always be great and champion your body. Sometimes you might want to cry, actually yell fuck off, or just stand there with your mouth open. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t react the way you wanted to at the moment. Comments can catch you off guard and shock you, especially in a professional or service based setting.
So be upset if you want to be. Honour your feelings.
Whatever it is, let it out and don’t hold it as moooore evidence that your body is wrong. It’s the world that’s wrong. A world constructed entirely of the one idea of what is healthy, attractive or even suitable that sucks. People who buy into this idea and shove it down the throats of others are wrong. It is entire industries built on this idea of keeping women small and hungry, so they know their place that is so, so, sooooo wrong.
It’s not you, and it never was. As hard as it seems sometimes, you have to dust yourself off and stand tall. Feel sorry for those sad ass ladies and gents that think that there is only one way to have a body. I do that on a regular basis, after all how brainwashed do you have to be to shame and attack another person for their body? The answer, in case you are wondering, is VERY.
Educate them if you can.
But only if you feel like you have space to be able to do that. Show them that their way of looking at things isn’t the only one. Remind them that actually, they have no right to discuss your body, it’s not theirs, it doesn’t impact them! Unless you’re sitting on them, then probably wait until you’re done with that before you bring that up. Haha. Each conversation that you have like that shifts something and piece by piece you become your ally.
You have to be on your side. That’s the long and the short of it. Stand by the body that supports you, literally sustains you, in the face of whatever may come your way. Be able to tell those with unwelcome chatter about your body to get lost, even if it’s just in your mind, for now. Be on YOUR side. Fight for yourself and for what you’re trying to achieve regarding body love. Forget them.
The sooner, the better, trust me on that.
How do you deal with body shaming? Take to the comments and share a story or experience with us. Let’s stand together and say this rubbish isn’t okay.
Join the Confident You Body Confidence challenge starting December 1st, for more information or to sign up head to the announcement post.
My story about body shame, confidence, and finding my way out is too familiar to need repeating. I was a young woman who wanted a body that was different from the one I had. So I starved and strived and exercised and counted and struggled. My body never did change that much. Why did I do that? How did I even know that there was something ‘wrong’ with my body? Because they told me so.
They said that thin was in, and waif was the ideal. I am a child of the ’90s after all. When my body had weight and muscle to it, it was nothing like they said it should be. And I was too tall, in case you were wondering, too broad, too big, too full. I wasn’t alone, though. Very few women ever meet the ideal body type, but it was the women in my life that showed me that they were right. And these women did so without even knowing it.
I’m sure it was never their intention.
But it’s what happens. We teach girls how to be women, and every single one of us leads by example. So when we assess, critic and ridicule our bodies in front of them, its sticks. When you do the same thing for other women’s bodies, they hear. When we allow the conditioning and messages of the media and other sources to define our ideal body, they see that and follow suit. Now, I don’t know about you, but that’s not the legacy I want to leave.
We must recognise what we’re doing to make more informed decisions about how our bodies and their bodies are represented. There are, in my opinion, a few crucial conversations that almost every woman would have had that lead to body shame in other women. We are responsible for these conversations because we perpetuate them and continue to have them generation after generation. I think you’ll agree when I say that these reinforcing, often negative, conversations sound familiar to all of us. Maybe, you can see how they could be damaging. And the best part? With a bit of forethought and consideration, they can be kerbed, if not stopped entirely.
Body shame conversations to stop having to empower the women in your life.
The diet conversation.
You start a new diet, an eating plan, a mode of eating that rewards you for good food behaviour here and punishes you for bad food behaviour there. We’ve all been there. Diets are a billion-dollar industry for a reason. Consider that when you exercise this kind of control over what you eat, how much and when in a controlled environment, it speaks volumes to girls watching.
Regarding body shame, dieting can be damaging to girls watching the women in their lives because hello, who doesn’t look like their mother, aunt or cousin in some way? When we see them behaving certain ways, we think to ourselves that our body needs restriction and punishment. Why should we believe them, those women in our lives, when they tell us our body is perfect?
The sex conversation.
I wrote about women and our relationship to sex on my blog, wearing a bra, one Valentines Day. It annoyed me that being women, we are determined to be least worthy of deciding when, if and how we experience sex. And as women, leading the way for our girls, we need to change that conversation.
And yes, it’s hard to explain to a teenager that their rushing hormones will mean their decisions may not always be the wisest. And yes everything feels heightened. I liken it to emotions as big as an asteroid hurtling towards earth. But here’s the thing, it’s her experience, her body and you need to remind her that it is hers to do with as she sees fit. Safely and with her mental and physical health in mind, but hers.
Consider how often conversations with teenage girls end up an experience in shaming and telling them to persevere over urges and lustful ideas. Sounds practically biblical, right? How those same hormones and feelings that we who have since waved them goodbye know so well, are deemed dangerous and inappropriate. Or worse, dirty and disgusting. But yet, they remain. What does that tell our girls to believe about themselves and their bodies?
You need to have the conversation now for the quality experience that is a 100% consensual sexual encounter. Try to keep your idea of when, where, and what is appropriate to yourself. I know, I know parents of the world freak out. My position is to teach girls that their body is her own, that her choices are valuable and her experience is natural. You can’t take control away from her. We must empower her, that has to be the goal.
The appropriate clothing conversation.
Clothing and it’s appropriateness is a minefield when it comes to young girls. Clothes determine so much about their experience of their bodies as well as the world around them.
We see it often online, the policing of what young women wear starts early — everything from uniforms to how pop stars dress, especially when we ask victims of assault what she was wearing at the time of the attack. Gross. Women, especially girls, are told to dress appropriately, to be classy, to be feminine and girly. By doing so, it reinforces the idea that they are not in charge of their body, which leads to feelings of shame and general disconnectedness from it.
So when you tell them what to wear regarding covering up, playing down their sexuality and womanliness, then you are telling them they are wrong, that their body is wrong. I think if your daughter, your niece or that teenager you know, has found out enough about herself to express it through her clothing, then you have to get behind her. I blog about fashion and women all the time and let me tell you; there are plenty of women much older who would kill to have a personal style, fed from a knowing of yourself at that age. Embrace it.
And yes, sometimes that will mean you want to tut-tut like your Grandma did when her skirt is short, or her boots are tall, or her top is cropped. But well, it’s her body and that my friend is none of your business. She gets to be in charge and believe me; there are more than enough people trying to tell her what to do with her body. You need to be the person who backs her.
The other women’s bodies conversation.
Even if you have never uttered a comment or critic about her body, she hears you make these comments about others or yourself. She understands your critic laced with faux concern, judgement and a honed critical eye. It doesn’t matter where; it can be at a magazine stand or in the bathroom mirror as the beads of moisture cling post-shower. She sees and hears everything you say.
We teach our girls that there’s perfect and imperfect and that she needs to be perfect to be successful, loved and praised without ever uttering those words to her. So lead the way, stop commenting on other women’s bodies now. Stop commenting on your body. Just stop.
Stop and not only will she not learn critic and judgement, but you will feel the weight lift from your shoulders. When you stop judging others so harshly, you take it a little easier on yourself too. You’ll see, give it a try.
I know, it’s been a big one team! Way to hang in there.
My final thoughts are that we are all doing our best. Women have a lot of undoing to do when it comes to body image, self-confidence and body shame. If you’re not in charge outside forces that say be thinner, taller, tanned and toned, are stronger. Girls need powerful ownership of their bodies to stand firm in loving them.
Grant them that power. But first, grant it to yourself.
I asked readers of this blog what the number one problem they were dealing with relating to confidence. Do you want to guess what the number one response was? The number one response was body confidence. How to have body confidence, where it came from and how to keep it when people around you are being jerks.
Being a predominately female audience this wasn’t surprising. It’s always about our bodies, have you noticed that? It’s a conspiracy, team. Where do you start when you have a long way to go before you and your body are on lovey-dovey terms? How do you recover from a body confidence slap in the face? Folks, I have been thinking about just that and have made a list.
10 ways to love your body more, TODAY.
Be naked more often.
Seriously. I know you’re all like WHOA hold on there Suger but it’s true. For every time you finish your hair and makeup naked in front of the mirror, maybe even wander through your house or lounge in your backyard {stop hyperventilating, work up to it. Haha} you start to chip away at that idea that your body is something to hide. Something to be ashamed of. Hidden from view, even from yourself.
Admire OTHER people’s bodies but not just the ones you deem perfect.
The end of that sentence is just as important as the start. Start to notice, letting the judgements roll off you like water, the bodies of the people around you. The imperfections, the beauty in each and every shape you see. Start to develop an obsession with bodies that aren’t your own in a positive way and see the results when you look in the mirror. All of a sudden your body won’t have to measure up to this impossible ideal, it’ll just be a body that you love a little bit more than you did yesterday.
Take better care of your body.
It’s my assertion that if you are bagging out the body you have and tut-tutting it every day that there’s a good chance you are treating it badly. Overfeeding or underfeeding it, over or underworking it and all that jazz. So I’m telling you now care for it like you would if it belonged to a friend. Take better care. Get more sleep {Suger!}, take a walk, eat when you’re hungry and make it food that will nourish you when you can lay off the stimulants and things that replenish you.
Remind yourself of all the good your body does.
While you are standing around picking at every single thing you believe to be wrong about your body, the way it fails and the faults, it just goes on doing what it does. Breathing, pumping blood, holding your guts on the inside… All of it. As someone who has had numerous issues conceiving, believe me when I say I know what it is like to look at my body and demand it does better, be better. But that sort of thinking doesn’t get you anywhere. You literally cannot live without your body, so give it a break, ok?
Forget everything you have ever been told about your body ever.
They lied, short version. All the things they told you growing up were wrong. You don’t owe anyone anything. You are not the sum of your body parts and it’s not your job to be attractive to other people. Your body in whatever form, state of health and however far it has progressed through this thing called life is perfect just the way it is. Right now. It couldn’t be anything else. Like I said before, they lied, forget everything and get happy.
Touch yourself, yup really.
Get familiar with the shape, the feel and the texture of your body. Get hands-on. And not just for your health for such things as breast exams and all that but because getting touchy-feely creates intimacy just like it would with anyone else that you were groping. I’m not talking about masturbation or intimate touching but the sort that is more PG friendly in the getting to know you sort of way. But you know what, if you and your body are disconnected masturbation might not be a bad idea anyway. Yup. I just went there. Get to know your body for all the good that it does for you. Stop treating it like some foreign object standing in the way of your dreams.
Stop saying you can’t do it.
Think I have some sort of body love superpower? Like I woke up and there it was? Nope. It’s not the case. One day I decided that things were going to change for me. I wasn’t going to be spoken down to in my own head. The pressure from the world at large would not get to me because for the first time in my life I looked at it for what it is, an idea. Just an idea that I could choose to believe if it served me, which it didn’t, or not, which did. And you can too. Seriously. For a moment suspend your disbelief if you have it and trust me when I say if I can love my body, you can love yours.
Get angry.
Seriously. Start now. No one has the right to tell you how you should look. No one. Not your mother, not your partner, not your best friend. No one! And yet from a young age, women {especially} are pulled one direction and the next. Do this, don’t do this, look like this, dress like that, eat this, don’t drink that and on and on it goes. What chance did you have? What chance did any of us have!? Get angry for a minute, it’ll make it easier to let all of that go so you can start fresh. Get angry, then get ready to start over.
Become a raving body love fan.
There are lots and lots of people out there determined to change the way that we look, talk about and think about our bodies. Go and find them, Google them and start to fill your head with that message for once. It’ll help in the forgetting of ‘everything you know’ thing. Replace the message that your body is somehow less than with more positive, affirming messages. Change the way the thoughts are wired in your head and start to really embrace your body in a way you didn’t know was possible. Let the body love folks loving goodness wash over you and you never know, you might just become one of us… *insert evil laugh here*
Remind yourself why it’s important.
Why does it matter to you anyway? Why is loving your body more important to you? Is it for you, for your family or because it occurred to you as a good idea? Take a deeper look and figure it out for yourself because knowing why you are doing it gives you something to hold onto those days that you suck at it.
My reason why? Because there are young girls looking up to me and I want to show them the way. Because I wanted to stop feeling so freaking horrible about myself all the time. Because the voices of the women around me were deafening in the chorus of negative thoughts and ideas. They had been taught too. I could see it in them. In me. We all needed to change and we have. You’re next lady.
There you go, team. Hop to it, feeling good about yourself is closer than you think. All we have to do is undo like a billion years of cultural programming… Piece. Of. Cake. Haha. Let me know how you go, are going, went and all that. I’d love to hear all about it. Did I miss something that worked for you? Share it below so we can all benefit from it, please.
