I read this amazing article about the five things the author feels the body positive movement needs to move forward. I found myself nodding in agreement the entire time. I too cringe a little when people are adamant that ALL people are beautiful, that there’s someone out there for everyone, horse for courses and all that. It centres around the same issue, that being beautiful. To someone. Anyone. Is where it’s at.
I too feel that in order to show people how we just can’t say no really, love yourself more. Do it now. OMG why aren’t you doing it yet. Annoying! I think conversation is key, asking why and getting to the bottom of the entire idea of what it means to be a woman, to be beautiful and why. WHY mostly, we have that idea. Where it came from and why now when we are offered some amount of freedom to change our minds do we hold on to it?
But before I continue, did you read the article. I’ll wait.
Because what if you have tried, stood in the mirror dozens of times and tried to love what you see but instead poked and prodded your body. What if your partner reaches over in the night and your initial reaction is STILL to suck in your stomach as it lays relaxed and unchecked on its side. What if you put on that new dress that you loved so much when you purchased it and upon walking out of your room where criticised by your own mother who tells you look horrible*? What then?
How do you continue to take steps towards loving your body and thus empowering yourself within it when you are fighting the good fight and losing? How?
For me to get to where I am, to be open to being publicly assessed and criticised for my body, my clothes and how I look I have to deal with myself day after day after day. It took years of practice to remind myself that my value does not lay in whether someone finds me attractive, beautiful or worthy based solely on my body.
My value doesn’t live there but my value needs a home. My value as a person needs somewhere safe to live that is well cared for and paid attention to. So that’s what I say to you. What I say to my nieces and your daughters. Your value is not in your beauty, because we are all inherently beautiful. Your value as a person is so much more than that alone. Waaaay more. It’s everything you do, say, are and are hoping to be. And all of that lives in your body so it deserves respect and care.
Start to love your body for the most simple things it does. Because being a body is complicated. All that breathing in and out, blood pumping business is tricky. Be thankful for that and build upon it day by day. You love your eyes, your hair. The way your legs contract and release as you walk. The way your arms flex as you push up from a bench.
And one day, even if just for a moment, it will click.
You won’t see a horrible, disgusting thing that needs your shame and disrespect. You’ll see your body just the way it is, doing the things it does and asking for very little in return. And then, that feeling will go away. Probably. But day after day and week after week as you train yourself out of every idea that you have believed before you will find that YOU really do love your body and that feeling will stay for longer and longer.
Even then it probably won’t be all the time. We are pretty much lot causes you and me. You can’t get to 30 being told that you’re too tall, to fat, too big, to oily, too frizzy and too unattractive and not have some underlying damage there. I’m a lost cause of wasted days and weeks journalling my every move with hatred and anger. That time is gone, spent, wasted. And I’m here now. I’m well. But I’m damaged too. And that’s okay.
But one day maybe, if we stop treating ourselves badly and speaking about other women the way we do, then maybe my nieces have a chance. Maybe the daughters of my nieces or your daughter’s daughters will have a chance of never knowing what it is to feel shamed just for being in a body of a girl and then a woman.
Body love is a practice, a journey {gag, journey, so cliché} not a destination. Stop trying to arrive and you might find you are further along the track than you thought. Certainly much further ahead then you were last time you checked. The best part is, you never know who you may be leading into a new way of thinking with your efforts.
So socks up ladies, you’re in training.
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* Important to note that while the other examples in that paragraph are from my own personal experience this one isn’t. I was speaking to a girl in a change room a week or two ago and she told me this story. I couldn’t help myself. I said honey, I wouldn’t have cared if that WAS my mother, I would’ve told her to f’off.
Hi! I’m Melissa Walker Horn. Around here, they call me Suger. I’m the Chief Blogger and doer of all the things here at Suger Coat It. Blogging since 1901; I love a casual ootd, taking photos, and writing about things that irk or inspire me. I love wine and cheese, long days at the beach and spending time with my family. I make stuff for the internet over at Chalkboard Digital. You know, living the sweet life.
True. I am still in training too. I am new to this blog and I am loving it! Guess what I Just bought thanks to you? The Asos printed peg/harem pants you were wearing in one of your photo gallery images I checked out. You rocked them! So I was like..maybe I can too! It literally just came in the mail…so we shall see what happens. I am turning 25 this summer and I really feel a need to woman up my wardrobe!
Ooooo enjoy those peg pants and enjoy finding your way in the whole body love thing. It’s one heck of a ride. I know every day that I uncover another layer I smile to myself and hold on for the ride.
That is such a great way of saying it! It does feel good to love instead of hate, that is for sure. I would have loved those Asos pants if they weren’t too large. The crotch went almost to my knees lol!!! They were on sale for half price, and are now all sold out. Plus side though, my mom got them! She is looking cute!
Total plus side… For your Mum! Oh well, better luck next time. The jersey pants in this style certainly are generous.
Yes, it’s definitely a journey! And sometimes we face roadblocks and detours and backtracks on that journey. But if you have the desire to keep moving forward that’s all that matters. My fiance always tells me I’m beautiful and every time I ask him why. He says the usual things about physical beauty, but he also says things about my intelligence and compassion and love. I love that guy so much, it’s a shame I can’t get him to see how lovely he is. He has more body love issues than me. But I guess I help more than I think I do because randomly he will tell me he’s a much less angrier person than before we met, and other things like that. ‘They’ say you can’t love another person til you love yourself, but I don’t think that’s entirely true. Loving things about another person that you don’t love in yourself can really help along that journey, and hearing those things that someone who *truly* loves you regardless of your body is amazing. I love that guy more than anything and I’m sure you know what I mean because you have an amazing partner as well. Kinda got off track there, but I’m super emotional today lol
I hear you. I’ve often debated the you can’t love someone else until you love you thing. I’m a yes and a no. I think you can love without loving yourself but I also think there’s levels to that. An openness that can only be explored once you are entirely at home with you and with them. Even if just quietly at home together, you know?
Growing together, becoming better, that’s the whole point, right? Sometimes I just demand that Hubby tells me I’m pretty, that he loves me and that there’s a million reasons why. But over the years he’s affirmed that for me when I couldn’t believe it, let alone ask for him to say it. Progress, process, whatever it takes to come to the realisation that your body, your beauty isn’t your value as a person. But also that it’s part of you and society is wrong if it says otherwise.
Speaking of rambling, it totally happened to me. Haha.
Yep there’s definitely levels to it, I totally get what you mean there. It does take a certain level of trust to get to that point where you can sit quietly at home together, not looking your best and still think the world of that person. I guess if you are constantly finding flaws within yourself and pointing them out, the other person would think “Well, what does she think of me then?”.
But yeah, becoming better together is the point I reckon. Growing together, etc 🙂
Hear hear. Yup. Love.
This is so very relevant to where I’m at right now.
I hated my body for as long as I can remember. I always thought that when I was thin, I could love it then. Years later, I’m bigger than ever and it’s only now I’m beginning to realise that acceptance of who I am right now is the first step to learning to love myself — not waiting for some future day that may or may not come to pass.
I’m dealing with this by treating myself as I had planned to when I reached that far-off goal – treating myself to nice clothes is just part of it. And I think it’s starting to pay off. I don’t think I’m a super stylin’ chic just yet, but I no longer feel like a frump-muppet either.
Thanks for sharing that Penelope! A girlfriend of mine has recently loss a reasonable amount of weight, she credits the feeling so at home, so comfortable in her body as the thing that caused her to decide to make a change for her health. I think it’s important to be kind and that’s where all body love starts.
Body love IS a journey and it’s a journey I’m on right now. With every kilogram I lose I’m getting closer to finally loving this broken body of mine but it WILL take shedding about a quarter to half my body weight for that love to come BUT I am determined that it will come. 6kg down, 44.5 to go!
It really is. It starts wherever you are and never really ends. You know my opinion, I think it can start whenever but I know you feel otherwise so this is me, cheering you on from here! 🙂