When is it okay to let people change you? Some people would say never; to be yourself no matter what. And generally, I would agree. You should hold firm to your principles and ideals and not let go. BUT there are sometimes lessons to be learned from people around you that may require you to make changes to yourself. To who you are being and the way you behave.
In those cases, I’m a big fat, yes.
You see, there is being yourself, and there is being stubborn. For me, it was a pretty fine line and one that I often crossed. I got stuck in a few ugly ways of being that didn’t do anything good for me and my relationships with people. But I didn’t care; they were part of me, take me or leave me, I said. A lot opted to leave me. I was quick to cut people off. I was easily angered and could hold a grudge like no one’s business.
Not surprisingly, I found it challenging to maintain relationships, lead people and work in groups. Especially work in groups. I wanted to make a difference for people. I wanted a great life with the chance to cause something. It was then that I started to listen. Sure, it took some straight-talking, cut to the bone advice from a coach but I have never looked back. Sometimes it takes someone further along in life. Advice from someone removed from your situation to shine a light on those roadblocks that get in the way for you.
My coach told me;
- That how you feel doesn’t always matter, sometimes feelings lie.
- People have their stuff going on, be accommodating of this where you can.
- Never question someone’s commitment – if they say they are committed, they are. There may be something in the way stopping them from honouring that commitment, but it doesn’t mean that in their heart, head and guts they aren’t committed.
- If there is an upset, communicate it early and with a clear head.
- And the big one, everyone is doing the best they can at that moment. When you know better, you do better; this goes for all people.
Bit by bit, with this advice in my head, I started to be able to be with people. Have empathy for their situation. Take away the over the top feelings from my communication. I learned to love people again. To share myself with them in the hopes that we could all get somewhere. I had been changed. For the better, I think. I love bigger, try harder, listen more and contribute to those around me {on a good day, ha!}.
I’m glad I took the time to allow myself to be changed. To be honest, I have never been stronger, more aligned with who I am and what I will and will not accept in my life as I was before. Now I communicate my upsets quickly with the view of having them resolved. Grudges and I still meet on occasion, but I do my best to let things go. It’s like some wise old dude said, about you drinking poison and hoping they might die. It only impacts your happiness.
When is it okay to let another person change you?
I think it is when you keep having the same problem. And that same problem produces the same result and that result keeps you from doing the things you want in life. Ultimately it’s you who decides to be changed or not. Remember that. Know when something is stopping you from being your best and choose. And for goodness sake look up for advice, to people who have what you want, not sideways or behind.
That’s my two cents. What’s yours?
Hi! I’m Melissa Walker Horn. Around here, they call me Suger. I’m the Chief Blogger and doer of all the things here at Suger Coat It. Blogging since 1901; I love a casual ootd, taking photos, and writing about things that irk or inspire me. I love wine and cheese, long days at the beach and spending time with my family. I make stuff for the internet over at Chalkboard Digital. You know, living the sweet life.
These are words I could have shared myself. I too have been in that angry “fuck all the people who don’t see how great I am as I am” stage. It’s a lonely and close minded place to be, but it does offer a strength that I feel if you learn to harness correctly can help you a great deal in life.
I very very much agree that people cannot change you. At the end of the day everything is a choice and you make that choice. I do think that people can offer some wonderful perceptions that sometimes we cannot see oh our own, and that advice is a wonderful thing, it just increases our options.
I agree for the most part that people are always just trying their very best. The only reservation I have is to a current situation with someone in my life where I feel like they’re just being a thick idiot. Sometimes people can see what they need to do and the only person stopping them from achieving that is themselves.
I am loving your posts lately. You are blowing my mind and dragging out a lot of that is on it. Almost like you know everything that is going on.
Ooooo that sounds very creepy of me! Maybe I’m a closet stalker. Haha. Thanks for the feedback lady. More and more I just write when something occurs to me. We must be sharing the same wavelength.
You’re right, some people are thick/mean/something along those lines. Sometimes you just have to throw your hands in the air and laugh at the craziness. Or not. As required, you know. I read something today about closed minds and it really spoke to me. For a lot of us the only way to develop who we are is to stand firm AGAINST feedback for a period of time. It got me thinking about that and about how you have to be in a certain place to open your mind. Food for thought indeed.
I am too old to change my core values.
I try not to give advice, I may give my view on things but I believe in what Will Rodgers said:
” 5% can read about it, 10% will listen to someone but the other 85% need to pee on an electric fence to see if it is real.”
LOVE LOVE that quote. Seriously, it so right. I’m happy to in the 5% for such things. Most things in fact. Lame but true. Haha.
Like others have said – never let someone change you.
But that doesn’t stop you from learning from others, so long as you assess that their help isn’t a form of brainwashing. Basically, if you can assess what you’re changing on some kind of intellectual level and know it’s a good thing, then change is good.
I think it takes other people to reflect who you are being to make changes. Those people change you, when you decide to be changed. Which sounds like some sort of chinese proverb of some description. Haha. Moving towards good things is a good thing in my books too.
I think as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten less selfish. I hope, anyway. I definitely feel like I think more about other people than my own angry self. Love this post! You make a good point – that change can be positive, when made out of good intention 🙂
Me too. I don’t know if it’s because of the lessons I’ve learnt along the way or if it’s a development/age thing but I feel the same way.
Thank you Sarah.
For me it depends on how you think of change. I think you have your core values and beliefs and you have your personality traits – some of which are essential to who you are but can also be adjusted in some ways. I am prepared to explore and scrutinise my values and beliefs all of the time but essentially they don’t change. I think it’s healthy to get everything out in the open and examine what you have.
Surely we are only really changing to get to a more positive place? You identify an issue or problem and you change to reach a more positive place. I don’t perceive change as a negative thing. I start out positive. I know my good qualities, habits and beliefs, and everything else is peripheral. I am always prepared to amend negative behaviour or behaviour that has a negative result. See the goal, see who you want to be and if changing gets you there, then be prepared to change.
My main change in past years is that I try and focus on kindness. I try to be kinder to others and to myself. I want to receive more kindness in my life, so I started by giving it. I work on it every day.
I am changing all the time and I think it’s exciting.
I really love that. Focus on kindness is such a great way to live. I know it made a difference to the way I see people and treat myself. Kindness really is the key.
Thank you for sharing, your comment adds SO much to the conversation. Change is such a great and wonderful thing when you are heading towards something positive. Yes, yes and yes!
When you and your attitudes and actions are the continuous problem to others having difficulty with you, it might be time to step back and listen. Without going into too much detail we are currently having this occur with a very dear person. Their behaviour is causing untold stress in us and others close to me, and is ultimately very damaging to themselves and their relationship with us and others close. Sometimes we just need to drop the attitude that it’s our right to be or behave certain ways and realise that we’re not necessarily being changed but saved instead.
I hear you loud and clear. I thought I was being strong, refusing to accept crap from anyone. It turns out that I was unable to accept the flaws that I saw in myself, was hypercritical of others and was pretty much being a jerk. I didn’t know that at the time. I thought I was THE BOSS. Awkward. 😉
Good luck with your situation. I’m sure you’ll handle it beautifully. You have such a great way with people.
When is it okay to let people change you? Never. If they are forcing you to be different to please themselves, if the changes are all their idea and not something you would do ever, then the answer is of course never.
Then you said, “there are lessons to be learned from people around you that may require you to make changes to yourself”. And that’s an entirely different thing. Because YOU are the one making the changes, by choice, YOU are the one seeing the advantages of doing things a little differently.
When someone meets you and accepts who you are as you are, then suddenly six months later wants you to start wearing stockings and short dresses, even buys them for you and says please wear these for me, knowing full well that you are uncomfortable in dresses and stockings, that’s a forced change, and death to the relationship.
So I would say you haven’t LET people change you, YOU’VE seen the advantages and changed YOURSELF. Which is a much better thing.
Ahh but you have to be able to hear them to let there be change… But semantics for sure. That’s what makes it so interesting. Changing WHO you are isn’t a good idea {hardly ever} but changing the way of being is always worth a look in my books.
LOVE this comment. Damn the man and his stockings. 😉