My boyfriend thinks I’m too smart for him. I really like him. Should I act more stupid? Really? What John Green said! He’s the guy in the image above. No. A million times no. Do you want a boyfriend like that? I vote no. Too tall, too fat, too wordy, too geekish, too successful, too loud, too opinionated. Too something. This, my friends, is a red flag in any universe. Or it should be.
It doesn’t seem to be. I hear it often, I’m tall and my boyfriend {insert husband or significant other types as required} says I shouldn’t wear high heels what should I do? I love my blog, but my boyfriend says it takes time away from us and says I should quit. I’ve just been offered a pay rise and new position, and it will mean I earn more money than my boyfriend, he says I should turn it down.
Ummmm.
I’m going to get a little straight with you here. Which is, let’s face it, what I’m good at doing. Putting aside if your relationship has issues and feelings that need to be brought into the open and discussed this is manipulative. Really manipulative. Is that really on the list of things you want in a partner? A dude that manipulates you into doing what he wants? What makes him happy, feel good, or whatever?
And no this isn’t about doing everything your way and not caring what the other person thinks; it’s not. I make compromises in my relationships ALL the time. Most people do. But when someone is saying you’re not enough of something, too much of something then why the heck are they there in the first place? Seriously. Why? They don’t like you. They want some other version of you that’s not here.
A shorter, less smart version, apparently.
Facepalm.
It happens with all types of people, not just boyfriends. Friends, family {gosh, family can be the worst} and even employers and colleagues. People will be people, and most of them are just trying to make themselves more comfortable in the world, damn the consequences. So he feels bad because you’re taller than him in heels and instead of dealing with his feelings of inadequacy whatever they are relating to being a short {or shorter} man it’s easier to tell you to change. Easy for him, that is.
Not so easy for you.
Sure it may be easy for some, not me to give up heels for their shorty boyfriend but it’s a heck of a lot harder to give up being smart, opinionated or successful. That is like asking you to give up who you are. A piece of it at least. And that’s not fair. It’s so so so not fair. And you shouldn’t let it happen. Ever. Sure bend a little sometimes but don’t ever compromise something of value to you for someone else.
It is up to you to decide who you are, what you will become and all of that: you and only you. While you continue to let other people make these decisions for you, you’re going to be unhappy to some degree. If you’re young and still learning, learn fast. Take back control now. If you’re old and life beat that willingness to take the reins out of you because you got old and tired, it’s time to start caring now.
And in the end, I don’t care what your boyfriend thinks. I’m talking to YOU.
Hi! I’m Melissa Walker Horn. Around here, they call me Suger. I’m the Chief Blogger and doer of all the things here at Suger Coat It. Blogging since 1901; I love a casual ootd, taking photos, and writing about things that irk or inspire me. I love wine and cheese, long days at the beach and spending time with my family. I make stuff for the internet over at Chalkboard Digital. You know, living the sweet life.
I’ve been perusing your blog all day today and there has been a few things I have wanted to comment on but haven’t. Don’t want to seem like that weird stalkery person that looks at all the old things and leaves random comments! But this I had to comment on. Too right lady! You are spot on with this! It’s not just about going through life disregarding everything people say to you but it is about being sure that the people that love you, love you for you, warts and all! Agree with everything you have said here.
Haha. Love that. Well I’m glad you said hi. Great comment too, by the way. 😀
So much love for this. My ex, he would make me feel guilty about so many aspects of life. Friends, family, blogging. It took me a long time to be able to stand up for myself, and well, its one of the main reasons he’s my ex. I’m actually finding it a bit strange now as my new boyfriend is so supportive and encouraging of everything.
I’m glad to hear that Nat. Seriously. It’s hard to see what’s happening when you’re in it.
LOVE this. I so very very very much agree.
Thaaaaaanks Ms Pink. x
Brilliant post my dear. I have watched too many friends put up with relationships where they were treated as second class citizens. Standing up for ourselves is SO empowering
xxx
Thank you my favourite Rah! Being yourself and demanding the space to be that is REALLY empowering.
Part of the reason I am divorced. I took control of my life and she did not like it. After being divorced for over 12 years, she still wants to try to control me.
The funny thing is that her and her parents called me all kinds of loser when I got my current job 17 years ago. Now, they go to court to try to make sure I do not leave.
Some people try to control others lives because it hides the fact that their lives are a mess. I have learned that one.
I think you’re right. Trying to control someone else is absolutely a last ditch effort at control over something. Glad to hear you stuck it out and took a job you clearly love. Well done.
My life is my life, and I am lucky enough that my partner heads up my cheer squad. Even though he has really no idea what I do. Works for us xx
Works for us over here too. Bless his heart Kel is a legend when it comes to tagging along with all manner of blog crazy. Haha.
i completely agree. i was nodding in agreement as i read through your post.
james always makes sure i am choosing whatever because i want to and never has once asked me to change. unless you count the biting my nails; but i ask him to tell me to stop. so i guess that really doesnt count.
the other day i was offered a job that i wanted at the beginning of the year. i was upset when i didnt get it but didnt dwell so when i was offered that position my head went into meltdown mode with everything else that has happened these past few months. and a headache resulted.
the whole time he was backing me. even in my self doubt of thinking i wasnt capable of it or what i thought i wanted anymore. he backed me. he said that if worse comes to worse we could always move back. it was no biggie.
he was happy to just pick up and move; no questions asked if it was what i wanted.
that was one hard choice to make. but i made it and it made it so much easier to have a supportive boyfriend.
okay. so that was completely off topic; but i guess what i am getting at is that it is important for women to be with someone who is on their team.
xx
carly
thebrightestspark.com
Thank you Carly! You’re so right. Having someone in your corner is so important. It sounds like you’ve got a keeper there. Someone who will even you out, encourage the good and help you be accountable for those things you want to change. LOVE IT.