Did you know that? That my husband talks in his sleep? Well he does. Most the time he mumbles, sometimes he brings the sort of colourful language that would, as the saying goes, make a sailor blush. And then there’s the nights when he is halfway between being asleep and being awake. The times when he is so convincing I’m not sure he’s dreaming or making fun of me. Or finally, the ones where it’s such an interactive dream, usually aided by some form of caffeine where he reenact the dream in real-time for me, the private audience of one.
The other night was one of the latter.
I was woken a couple of times by the conversation he was having about line markings and construction type things. I was sick and snotty so the wakefulness wasn’t all his doing. I chuckled to myself as he walked out a line to be marked, detailing his travels and then heard an aerosol can discharge in the quiet of our silent bedroom. I was like, errr what? Maybe I’M dreaming.
But I wasn’t. I wish I was. What was happening was Hubby had grabbed a can of deodorant from his side table and was now waving it about the bed. I gagged and choked. What are you doing? I said loudly as I laughed my ass off. I knew, he was dreaming and had moved right into full on reenacting. Geez Louise. Oi stop it, I said, it stinks in here.
He mumbled abruptly that he KNEW what he was doing thank you very much and had to get these lines marked. I sighed. Tried not to breath in the fumes and hoped he’d put the darn can down. He had. Moments later as, I can only assume, a haze of antiperspirants rained down on us like fresh snow he rolled over and started snoring. Snoring. Yup. FML.
I wanted to punch him in the face. Seriously. I’m a lover not a fighter but the combination of him being so peacefully asleep, the choking smell and already feeling pretty darn under the weather made me SUPER cranky. I got up, removed the offending can in case there was to be a part two of this adventure and turned on the ensuite exhaust fan to suck some of the smell out.
Grumbling and complaining I climbed back into bed. Hubby was quietly mumbling to himself about people telling him what to do and I couldn’t help but chuckle quietly into the sheet covering my face. A barrier against the fumes, you see. And feeling all in all a little more cheery I snuggled into that sleeping man I love and started to drift off to sleep.
And then he rolled over and basically boob punched me.
Sleep talking. Active sleeping. Not so freaking cute today, let me tell you! And don’t you worry your pretty little heads, he’s still alive. Barely. You see come morning, as my head cold had really set in and I sat up to blow my nose for the billionth time, he said to me… Me, who had a still aching boob. Who was rubbing weary eye that stung from the probable chemical burn inflicted by a midnight aerosol raid. Who was awake listening to him snore on and off hourly pretty much the whole night. ME.
He said to me, gosh, I had THE WORST nights sleep last night.
Short version? Dead man walking.
Hi! I’m Melissa Walker Horn. Around here, they call me Suger. I’m the Chief Blogger and doer of all the things here at Suger Coat It. Blogging since 1901; I love a casual ootd, taking photos, and writing about things that irk or inspire me. I love wine and cheese, long days at the beach and spending time with my family. I make stuff for the internet over at Chalkboard Digital. You know, living the sweet life.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is TOO funny! ahahahahha
‘I know exactly what I’m doing!’
Haha. Yeah, know it all, even in his sleep. 😉
OMG I am laughing so hard. I’m sorry you got boob-punched my dear but that is freaking hilarious…! The deodorant! You poor soul I bet he’s paying for that incident for a while.
Poor ME indeed. Haha. I’ve made him suffer.
Sounds like my hubby… A few weeks ago he went full ninja in his sleep… The key is to never wake them as it startles them which can be bad for their heart. Make notes on his nighttime adventures then tell all your friends while your out together… Thats what i do:)
That’s WAY more fun anyway, right Erin? Haha.
Haha it sounds like you could make a book from these stories 🙂
Nah, most the time it’s just swearing. 😉
HAHAHAHA OMG deodorant spray and boob punch! Gold!
Haha. In the one night, I’m a lucky girl.
HAHA we often have construction going on in the middle of the night too. My partner sleep walks sometimes too. One night we were staying at my parents place overnight and I’d gone to bed before him, leaving him up watching the end of a movie. I woke up to this almighty BANG (everyone did) opened the door and he’d picked up an unhung door from the garage (reno time @ the parentals) and brought it inside. In his sleep! He also speaks Dutch in his sleep – I used to think it was just jibberish mumbling until I realised he could repeat himself and use the same words a few times. I’d told him for years he talked an Alien language in his sleep that sounded a bit German and he played me a Dutch clip on YouTube and sure enough – that’s what he speaks. He had a Dutch grandma growing up which must be where that part of his brain remembers it from.
I was the Dead Lady Walking the other day though because I told him (in my sleep) to turn the alarm off and go back to bed because it was a local public holiday that day. Yeah his work rang a couple of hours later to ask where he was hahahahaha.
He speaks DUTCH! Whoa, that’s cool. Unusual too I imagine. How funny that it took you guys a while to put it all together. Haha.
HA! Whoops. Hope he took the day off anyway. 😛