Have you ever found yourself wondering why the heck you do the things you do? Why do you find yourself staring at the same pile of work to be done and never doing it? Why do you eat foods that make your body feel bad and miss the gym when the opposite makes you feel so good? Why do you make the choices you do and end up where you end up time and time again?
Have you ever wondered about that?
I sit here tonight dealing with something that is the direct result of not doing what I should have done years ago. It hangs over my head, making me a little sick in the stomach, thinking of the time it will take to move through and past it. I look over at Hubby, and I see his reaction is the same. We are annoyed at ourselves for letting things drag out and that we didn’t meet our commitments where we should have.
And it all leads to one thing…
This determination to pull back hard, clean up the mess and get on with things. Grateful that we are healthy, strong and loved. In love even. Strengthen by the opportunity to stand side by side once again and declare ourselves. Suddenly, the idea that we needed a Vegas wedding to reaffirm our vows seemed ridiculous. We do it here and now and get ready.
It would help if you didn’t worry out there. I’m writing this as a signpost in our lives, a reminder that when things need to be done, they need to be done. I wonder if the future me will read these words, nod and smile because she learnt that lesson that one time or not. Will this history repeat itself as I sit wondering, or will I be cured of all things procrastination and self-sabotage, sitting atop the world filled with glee?
The middle ground of the two is the answer, I assume. After all, I’m 31 years old now. Indeed some of these lessons I have been learning, the choices I make that don’t serve me, and the rest will start to drop away sometime soon. The time has to be now. It worries me a little how often I stumble and fall on my face as a grown-up; the craziest part is I thought I’d be done with such things by now.
I thought I’d be serene, graceful, accepting…
Then I wonder if those things are all they are cracked up to be or if a life lived awkwardly, filled with stumbles, is perhaps the more precious life to lead. More fulfilling and fun. It indeed contains more ups and downs. A life lived filled with challenges and obstacles. And failures, too, of course.
This life I live now, free from the serene gracefulness I long for, allows more time for wondering, too, I suppose. A favourite pastime of mine. A skill I thought I’d lost with the presence of so many flicking screens. But I can still wonder when I allow myself the time. I can still wonder when all is quiet, and the blip of the screen is sleeping.
Maybe that’s what it is all about.
Hmmm. I wonder.
Hi! I’m Melissa Walker Horn. Around here, they call me Suger. I’m the Chief Blogger and doer of all the things here at Suger Coat It. Blogging since 1901; I love a casual ootd, taking photos, and writing about things that irk or inspire me. I love wine and cheese, long days at the beach and spending time with my family. I make stuff for the internet over at Chalkboard Digital. You know, living the sweet life.
I’ve been thinking the same thing quite a lot lately. I plan, but never plan well enough to follow through quite the way I had planned or I find myself doing the things that give me immediate joy, over the ones I have to work harder to achieve.
I hear you Em, loud and clear. SO loud and clear. Let’s try hard to not do that, ok? I’d really like that.
Let’s! I have had 2 whole weeks to think about where my life is headed and I need to take hold of it right now and make everything happen! So sick of just going through the motions!
Yes! I love this Em. Go get ’em tiger!
Yes I’m another in the boat who believes these patterns cycle around in our lives because there is still a lesson the learn. I believe the universe will get louder in it’s messages to you, us, whoever until the message is received. I’m such a strong believer in past bad energies especially if they are engines that have carried pain, hurt, disappoint, sadness, heartbreak, anger, jealously, resentment affecting our progression forwards in life. The point is to just keep getting out there and trying with whatever it is even if it’s the millionth time and just believing anything possible. Who gives a shit about setbacks, failures or detours they’re all just opportunities to try again or find another way.
Ahhh the cycle of it all. This is a lesson I am determined to LEARN and learn it good, let me tell you. Thanks for your comment lady, it almost makes me feel good about all the faceplants. 😉
I think we all have those things. I’m so very far from expert on this but the way I try to think about it is that if I still feel sick from it (physically, mentally, whatever) it means even though I think I’ve learned a lesson, I haven’t absorbed it yet. Or i know it in my gut but haven’t reconciled it mentally (or vice versa).
I hear you, that happens to me. Thanks for taking the time to make me not feel alone lovely.