I was in a conversation in the month leading up to Emma Watson’s speech at the United Nations, you know the one, right? THAT ONE. I said that of course I was a feminist. No, you’re not, the other person said, no way. If I could show you my face at that moment my confusion and errr, what the heck’ness would have been evident. I’m a feminist, I assure you, I think you’ve got the meaning all wrong.
And then Emma did her thing. People on the interwebs took their sides of the fence as they normally do. Some said that by incorporating the He in the He for She campaign that it was once again women deferring to men to save them. Others, like me, disagree. Gender roles and the stereotypes we impose on girls and boys effect us all. Threats were made against her in a fashion that only served to better prove her point. The internet did what the internet does and the world went on turning.
But how did it happen? An entire generation of women who were told that being a feminist is a bad thing. Taylor Swift came out recently as a feminist after previously denying the label. A label she too had seen as being filled with hate and distrust, anger and resentment. I was thinking more about the moment I became a feminist, long before I had the language for it, and that time came down to my father. He taught me how to be a feminist by responding to my aspiration, so very serious at the time, of being Prime Minister with a simple, you can do anything with your life Melissa. Anything at all.
My Dad was my very first #HeForShe and one of a long line of strong men in my life who believed in their hearts that women should be offered the same opportunities as men. They knew the physical differences in men and women didn’t mean there was a weaker, lesser sex. Men who in many ways did not conform to male gender roles themselves and therefore longed for the opportunity to break free from them too. They are my father, my uncles, my brother, my cousins, my husband. Feminists, though I wonder now if they would call themselves such.
When you encourage a girl and later a woman to be the fullest expression of herself in her life, her relationships, career and voice, then you are a feminist. If you require equal rights for men and women, you are a feminist. Men and women are different, it’s not about being the same, but it’s not about hate or distrust, more or less something than the other, it is about equality. And that is why I am now, and will always be, a feminist.
My children’s children deserve the right to be who they are without you telling them what is right for them. Without the roles or ideals we burden the with before their birth. That’s why working together is the answer. Becuase boys not doing well in school isn’t good enough. Girls being sexualised from their pre-teens is disgusting. And I want my children, born male or female, to be able to choose their path, free from what anyone says they should do, should be or should have.
Ask Aziz Ansari, his recent quote on David Letterman {reported here} says it all, “You’re a feminist if you go to a Jay-Z and Beyonce concert, and you’re not like, ‘Mmm, I feel like Beyonce should get 23 percent less money than Jay-Z.'” The rest is about delivering on that promise of equality.
Hi! I’m Melissa Walker Horn. Around here, they call me Suger. I’m the Chief Blogger and doer of all the things here at Suger Coat It. Blogging since 1901; I love a casual ootd, taking photos, and writing about things that irk or inspire me. I love wine and cheese, long days at the beach and spending time with my family. I make stuff for the internet over at Chalkboard Digital. You know, living the sweet life.
I’ve never quite been sure why women are afraid of being a ‘feminist’. x
Same thing that stops people declaring anything about themselves, judgement.
Hahahaha I’ve become way more of a feminist since I got married. Planning the wedding was a huge eye opener for me. Feminism isn’t just about opposing and fighting the oppression that women face. Its also about opposing and fighting the crap that men get too. I am married to a wonderful sensitive man who can cry at the drop of a hat! In planning our wedding, the language that people used that indicated that his thoughts and feelings on matters weren’t useful, that he was a ‘useless male’, and that obviously this wedding was all for me (I’ve been married before, I wanted to elope. He was the one wanting the wedding and he was the one I was planning it for!) really pissed me off.
Growing up with a strong ballsy mother who was frequently criticised for ‘wearing the pants’, I learned that Dad was a beautiful man who didn’t care what other people thought and loved Mums gumption, and that Mum was amazing because she forged ahead regardless of gender stereotyping, always doing what was best for our family even when it defied convention. I knew from a young age what it was to be a strong female who could do anything with the support of strong male and female role models. Getting married showed me a whole new face of feminism. It showed me what men go through, being criticised at the slightest show of ‘girlyness’, being pushed into being the strong silent type who suppresses emotions, being told all their lives that feminism, whether in themselves or others, equals weak.
Feminism to me is fighting for the right to be true to yourself, whether you’re a girl or a boy, whether you want to cry or skip about, whether you want to be a beautician or an astronaut! I didn’t understand feminism when I was younger, and I have only learned about it because people like you and Emma Watson create discussion about it, opening up forums for people like me to grow and learn and formulate my own feelings on the matter. The best thing we can do about feminism? TALK! TEACH! DO!
I think you grow into a ‘label’ like this. When you are younger and it’s all about you and what matters to you there’s not a lot of room for equality. That was my experience anyway. I didn’t care because I wanted what I wanted and I didn’t care how said what about it. Thanks for sharing your experience, the whole useless male thing sets my teeth on edge. It needs to stop, now.
I really really like the ‘gender spectrum’ we all know there are more than just ‘male’ and ‘female’. I also think it’s about engaging everyone for change. It’s about education. There are women out there who say they aren’t feminists, but I think deep down they are, they just don’t know it, because like Emma said, it’s been labelled as meaning ‘man hating’. But, I am in the same boat as you. I have strong male role models in my life who have never said I couldn’t be anything I wanted, and have always supported me. But, also shown me their soft side too. They don’t have to be a ‘man’…you know?
I’ve always said that I missed the girl gene, I lack so many traits that are traditionally female, so I guess the willingness to question gender roles was always there for me because I felt so different. There would be something great for everyone if we loosened the reins on the whole boys do this, girls do that thing. I know that in my gut.
You and me both re the girl gene sister!
Uh huh. Got some, missed others by a mile. 😉
I believe that people are humans, yes different genders but beneath everything, we are all the same and so should be treated equally.
By the definition of the word feminist, yes I am one but I HATE the word because of it’s past because despite protests, the word DOES invoke images of angry women deriding men and all that they do and say, sometimes of seemingly pure hatred of men and all they stand for, of men being shouted down if they stand up and say that they support equal rights for men and women [oh but you’re a man you can’t! – yes I’ve heard and seen this said].
Maybe IF we can come up with a new word to describe the desire for equal rights for women, I’ll be more willing to jump on the feminist bandwagon but until then, I’ll say yes, I support equal rights for women across the board but no, I’m not happy to call myself a feminist.
I hear that when someone sours a word like that with their bullshit and hate, then of course you don’t want to use it. The only thing I’d say is that if you meant a horrible woman, you wouldn’t judge all women based on it and refuse to refer to yourself as a woman anymore. I feel the same way about feminist. There are bad eggs in every bunch. Sometimes the bad eggs have the loudest voices which is even worse. But for me, that makes it more important to stand up and say, that’s not right, you’ve twisted it and I won’t let you do that.
(Stands up & clasps enthusiastically)
This post is perfection,
I too am a feminist & I am lucky enough to be surrounded by feminists & “he for she” advocates…..
Thank you KP. Glad to hear that. IT makes such a difference to have support from those around you.
once again on the money Melissa. I have been a feminist since the 70s and so were both of my parents although they were still concerned about how I would balance career and family. My two daughters are feminists as sure as they breathe. For them there is no question of not being so. Their father was a stay at home parent for a while and they have lived the freedom of not being defined by gender expectation. Don’t let the haters make you question it. Their hate is about them, not your choices or opinions
I think how you raised your girls was very similar to how we were raised. Our parents had multiple businesses while we were growing up and it was Dad who cooked dinner every night and managed all that. Roles were split based on anything but their gender. And that impacts a child, they see that and it speaks volumes about equality.
i really do not get women who say they aren’t feminists. Do they want less pay.. or not even being able to work, not being able to even own your own property, rape in marriage not being considered a crime?
I think it’s a misunderstanding of the terms OR someone has turned them off with a bad attitude or experience. For me, it’s not an option.