It’s been a while now, years since I’ve talked frankly about where we were at in regards to having kids of our own. Not sure if you’re curious, but when Samara and I sat down to record a podcast episode about relationships this week, things ended up here. People in our lives know things have changed but I hadn’t really spoken about it online. Then Samara asked…
What’s the deal with you guys having a baby?
Good on her. I grilled her on newly married life. It’s only fair. Haha. And as the episode progressed I realised I’d shared a lot of the things I had been considering writing about here for a while. I just hadn’t found the space. Or time, let’s face it. So this week, while the episode sat uploaded and waiting to go live, I decided I’d write an introduction to it for the blog. And here I am.
When I started this blog in 2009, we had just started trying for a baby. Smugly, like the little jerk I was, I fell pregnant quickly without any issue. Soon after we experienced our first miscarriage. I wrote my heart out in those years as I worked my way through the wanting. Jealousy was the hardest part, the overwhelming sadness that somehow was always combined with anger and frustration. This blog was the home for most of it. I rarely spoke outside of my close circle about it, but on the blog, I felt free to share it all.
The hardest thing for me was that part of me felt I deserved a baby because I wanted one. That others were taking my chances, and it was my turn. I know that makes me sound spoiled and more than a little entitled. But I’d never been denied what I wanted before. It was humiliating and humbling in a lot of ways. I learned a lot about myself and who I am. My path, this path, has given me self-awareness and I’ll always be grateful for that.
But, as an adult woman have a baby had been pushed to the top of my list. I was unable to tick that box. somewhere along the line, I took some time to work out if it was something I wanted. Or was it just something I felt I had to do or should be doing. Where did I sit on the idea of doing what was necessary to bring a child into our home?
In the end, I changed my mind. The wanting was gone and my life spread out ahead of me.
Our lives. And together we found a life that I had chosen, carved out and negotiated with my Kelvin. A life where I set my own hours, choose my own path based on my wants or needs and change my mind again if I like. Best of all, even during busy times, I can fit in an afternoon nap. Simple examples. Perhaps now you think I’m selfish. Maybe I am. But do you see what I mean? My life, it’s created; A life built on choices and change.
That’s why at the ripe old age of 35 I’m shutting the baby shop. Which, funnily enough, as you’ll see in this episode, people tell me still gives me PLENTY of time to change my mind. Haha. But for now, I don’t think I will. And that’s the update, team. Some of you have been here since those early days in 2009 and I felt, especially if I was releasing this podcast, that you were entitled to this catch-up. From me to you.
So yeah, watch (yes, it’s a thing, get on board) the episode below or on youTube. Not into the whole video thing? The episode is live now on iTunes and Soundcloud under Suger + Ink.