It’s been a while now, years since I’ve talked frankly about where we were at in regards to having kids of our own. Not sure if you’re curious, but when Samara and I sat down to record a podcast episode about relationships this week, things ended up here. People in our lives know things have changed but I hadn’t really spoken about it online. Then Samara asked…
What’s the deal with you guys having a baby?
Good on her. I grilled her on newly married life. It’s only fair. Haha. And as the episode progressed I realised I’d shared a lot of the things I had been considering writing about here for a while. I just hadn’t found the space. Or time, let’s face it. So this week, while the episode sat uploaded and waiting to go live, I decided I’d write an introduction to it for the blog. And here I am.
When I started this blog in 2009, we had just started trying for a baby. Smugly, like the little jerk I was, I fell pregnant quickly without any issue. Soon after we experienced our first miscarriage. I wrote my heart out in those years as I worked my way through the wanting. Jealousy was the hardest part, the overwhelming sadness that somehow was always combined with anger and frustration. This blog was the home for most of it. I rarely spoke outside of my close circle about it, but on the blog, I felt free to share it all.
The hardest thing for me was that part of me felt I deserved a baby because I wanted one. That others were taking my chances, and it was my turn. I know that makes me sound spoiled and more than a little entitled. But I’d never been denied what I wanted before. It was humiliating and humbling in a lot of ways. I learned a lot about myself and who I am. My path, this path, has given me self-awareness and I’ll always be grateful for that.
But, as an adult woman have a baby had been pushed to the top of my list. I was unable to tick that box. somewhere along the line, I took some time to work out if it was something I wanted. Or was it just something I felt I had to do or should be doing. Where did I sit on the idea of doing what was necessary to bring a child into our home?
In the end, I changed my mind. The wanting was gone and my life spread out ahead of me.
Our lives. And together we found a life that I had chosen, carved out and negotiated with my Kelvin. A life where I set my own hours, choose my own path based on my wants or needs and change my mind again if I like. Best of all, even during busy times, I can fit in an afternoon nap. Simple examples. Perhaps now you think I’m selfish. Maybe I am. But do you see what I mean? My life, it’s created; A life built on choices and change.
That’s why at the ripe old age of 35 I’m shutting the baby shop. Which, funnily enough, as you’ll see in this episode, people tell me still gives me PLENTY of time to change my mind. Haha. But for now, I don’t think I will. And that’s the update, team. Some of you have been here since those early days in 2009 and I felt, especially if I was releasing this podcast, that you were entitled to this catch-up. From me to you.
So yeah, watch (yes, it’s a thing, get on board) the episode below or on youTube. Not into the whole video thing? The episode is live now on iTunes and Soundcloud under Suger + Ink.
Hi! I’m Melissa Walker Horn. Around here, they call me Suger. I’m the Chief Blogger and doer of all the things here at Suger Coat It. Blogging since 1901; I love a casual ootd, taking photos, and writing about things that irk or inspire me. I love wine and cheese, long days at the beach and spending time with my family. I make stuff for the internet over at Chalkboard Digital. You know, living the sweet life.
Hi Mel. I was not found I your early days and only joined for the fashion a few years back. I completely understand your post. I am just going to add my experience and make of it as you will. Sometimes we make our mind up because we think it’s our only option and we feel if it’s a choice it’s somehow simpler. I’m not saying kids Is easy or even the right answer for you, just that your story resonated with me as it could have been my story.
I found my partner very early in life and I knew all I wanted to do was get married and have babies. Yes I studied, yes I ended up with a wonderful career. But all I wanted was babies.
So I started trying very early. I could get pregnant very easily ( little like yourself ) but convincing that baby to stay, yeah I had issues
At 6, 8, 12 and 18 weeks I lost my beautiful babies. No real reasons why, just failure to develop.
Now as if that wasn’t the hardest words to hear someone tell you.
I became depressed and jealous. Prams seemed to be EVERYWHERE. I couldn’t go to the shops as all I would do is cry. I gave up working after the 4 th miscarriage. I just couldn’t face see happy mums, happy families, happy children.
My relationship was a complete disaster, all I did was cry.
Anyway, I decided I didn’t want to have any children, my life was good, I could travel anywhere, I could buy expensive clothes, and eat out every night. All these things we did.
Then I became extremely fatigued and cranky. Omg no I was pregnant.
No I couldn’t do this again.
I thought about terminating because well frankly I was in charge of that, wasn’t I?
But no I couldn’t do that, it wasn’t my thing.
Every single day I waited for those cramps, every single day I went to the loo expecting the worst.
But this little girl was determined. She held on.
I suffered dreadfully with morning sickness (6 weeks through to 22 weeks)
I was hospitalised and finally stabilised.
I vomited 24 hours, I couldn’t eat anything, I lost 17 kilos, and I didn’t really have the 17 kilos to lose.
I ended up with gall stones ( they tend to form after rapid weight loss apparently)
I spent every day of my pregnancy in the maternity ward, receiving pethedeine shots from the blasted gallstones”
The last 6 weeks in hospital as I ended up with hypertension
And high blood pressure. Good old pre eclampsia
This baby made me work for her that was for sure.
Horrible labour, 10 lb 4 babe. She ended up with clicky hips and in a von Rosen splint for 7 weeks.
But my god she was beautiful- and still is 24 years later.
Anywho. As all the mums in my ward we’re leaving the hospital they received scripts for the pill.
I was passed by. No no darl you have your miracle baby, there will be no more for you, the damage is extensive and it’s a bloody miracle you have this baby. Cherish her.
Oh yeah and test out your lady bits by the time you have your 6 week check up.
Gallbladder continued to plague me.
On my very first Mother’s Day I had my gall bladder taken out…. hooorahhhh.
It set back the testing of the lady bits a tad.
And err guess who was pregnant at that first check up
Yeah this girl…..
Fast forward to the fact I have 11 months between my first two girls.
I ended up with 4 little girls under 5 years old.
I did learn though, that even though I had a perfect 28 day cycle. I didn’t ovulate in a normal pattern.
Whereas most girls would ovulate around day 9-14
I ovulate around day 18 -24 and even on my last pregnancy fell pregnant on day 27.
A medical mystery I am. I do have PCOS but the type with the regular periods…. course I can’t be normal ever.
So my point is. Never say never.
Perhaps put bubbas on the back burner for now and see what happens.
I will say that even though I had 4 under 5. I still travelled, I still kept a great career, I still ate out and best of all I still had afternoon naps and my babies were never early risers.
No matter what you decide and no matter where life takes you
It’s all been predestined.
Hugs and the only way a blog works on my humble opinion, is via the rawness, the real ness. We all want to compare with someone
We want to see we are the same.
Good luck x
There is nothing I admire more, than a women who knows her mind. X
Thank you, Nicole. Me too.
Thank you for sharing your choice and your life with us, Melissa. I’ve been here following your journey through your blogs since almost the beginning. It’s been wonderful and inspiring sharing in your achievements and adventures.
You’re welcome, SSG. It’s been an interesting time, that’s for sure! All the ups and downs.
It is a choice, and such a personal one too. We’ve also chosen a life with choices and change and passed on the children. Now I’m in my late forties, I’ve run out of time to change my mind, but I’m happy knowing we made the right decision for us.
It’s so personal. Personal to us as women, to our relationships. I’m excited to see what’s next for me and for you too. Watching the life you lead, if mine is anything like it, I’ll be happy with that!
I’m not going to tell you you’ll change your mind. I trust that you know what you want! Thank you for sharing this; it’s such a personal choice.
It’s a first instinct for many, that’s for sure. Haha. Thank you and you’re welcome. I was glad to share. xo