I had a memory pop up on Facebook of the first video back when I relaunched my YouTube channel. For a while there I got really good at keeping to my weekly schedule. Thanks to that, my progression with filming and editing was fast, and I found that I enjoyed making videos. Tricky and somewhat time-consuming (isn’t everything you’re learning?) I started to enjoy the challenge. For a while there I stuck to a routine of one upload a week. I got into it and celebrated some little milestones along the way. Then I stopped.

The rhythm fell apart. When I did record footage or whatever I was making that week, I was never happy with what I got. I started being overly critical of it and wishing, again, that I was better already. I’d look at myself on the screen and hate the way I looked. I felt stupid and completely incapable of delivering the content I wanted to.

Making videos became this horrible experience.

The pressure I put on my shoulders, the critical voice, and the frustration won. Sad to say it but that’s exactly what happened. I just couldn’t face it anymore so I stopped. I wasn’t in a great space mentally, and the last thing I needed was another way to fail (real or imagined). Something that was meant to be fun and a way to learn some new skills became just too hard. Quitting was easier. Quitting was something that the little voice could get behind.

Has that ever happened to you? Surely I’m not the only one who has been chased away from something they like by that little voice? When I look back on my life, there are a few things I can see this show up in. To throw it was back, I gave up ballet and later swimming because of that voice. Then as an adult, I’ve been afraid to dive back into my business because of ways I’ve failed in the past. It’s scary how that little voice can take just a grain of truth and twist it until it seems insurmountable. But I’m nothing if not determined.

Recently, I tried again with a studio vlog; quickly realising that what I do is hard to relate in a vlog. But the urge to try again was there. Maybe because I feel like I’m in a better position with my mental health. Maybe because I watch more YouTube than TV these days. But whatever it is, the fire has been relit.

I’m not making any promises.

To be honest, I have no idea what type of videos I even want to make. It’s fun, actually. Kel and I bought a drone (more on that another time) so that could feature. Maybe I’ll do a Lookbook or some kind of personal style thing. Maybe I’ll do more tutorials or how-to videos. The world is my oyster. What I am sure of is that I won’t let being critical of myself stand in the way anymore.

Wish me luck! And if you’re interested in following along, keeping me accountable or something like that, I’ll put some of my videos and a link ot YouTube below.