You know something, I was sitting here today wondering why someone had replied to all the comments on their thread and not me and it occurred to me, I still hate it when people don’t like me. I still love for people to love me and will go out of my way to make them change their mind. Well, sometimes.
And don’t even get me started on what sort of overdrive I go into if I find out I’ve been blocked or unfollowed by someone I thought was my friend. Someone I thought I could trust but couldn’t. Someone who lied and somehow it still feels wrong to me that they don’t like me.
Hold on Suger, why do you even care, right?
Well. There’s something in me that is driven to secure the approval of others. Do you ever get that? Something that makes me want them to think I’m the best thing since sliced bread. It’s a needy quality but one that I have to continuously keep in check. Yes, keep in check.
When I was a child my Dad and I would talk in the car as he drove me here or there. He would share the things he learnt, the dreams he had for us all, the wishes he had made as a father to my siblings and I. I felt the pressure to perform because of those chats. I made a lot of choices based on what I thought my father wanted me to do. I wanted him to be proud, to love me for doing all the right things and being a good daughter.
It was years later, over a decade actually, and those conversations had become something I resented for trapping me into a very serious, unsatisfying life. So much so that I spoke to my Dad about it. About his expectations and how I know I haven’t always lived up to them but I am happy so that has to be enough for him. I was almost in tears. I was being brave. Declaring myself an adult standing on her own two feet.
He smiled and said that he didn’t know what I was talking about. That he was always proud. The he always loved me. That he had tried to stand back and let me make my decisions even though he could see that they were making me unhappy. He said he knew I was ok now. That he never meant for that to be pressure and that I needed to be responsible for the way I had seen things too because it was time to let it go and move on.
That day I was free from the constraints of doing the right thing to please my parents. Those old conversations came back to me and I could value them in a way I never had before. Looking at my Dad and the bemused expression on his face as I poured out my poor heart, wanting for acceptance has never left me. I try to remember that face when I find myself aiming to please. Needy for love and affection.
It’s a dangerous thing the need to be loved. Dangerous because you can sacrifice your entire self to it if you aren’t careful. I know this now but I cannot count the number of times in my life where I have made decisions that haven’t served me to make someone else happy, to make them like me more.
As I grew up it happened less and less. I saw with blinding clarity exactly what I was doing. So I stopped doing it whenever I noticed that it was happening again. It doesn’t mean that sometimes I’m not half way into a conversation and I think ‘wait, hold on, what’s going on here’. I’m still learning myself. Learning what drives me.
Learning that what others think of me is none of my business. Not really. Not in the end. Stopping myself from making decisions based on what I think other people want of me. Having the space in my own head to just say “oi, what do YOU want”. Part of growing up for me. Part of getting out of my own way and living a life that I LOVE.
But I still don’t like it when people don’t like me. You?
Hi! I’m Melissa Walker Horn. Around here, they call me Suger. I’m the Chief Blogger and doer of all the things here at Suger Coat It. Blogging since 1901; I love a casual ootd, taking photos, and writing about things that irk or inspire me. I love wine and cheese, long days at the beach and spending time with my family. I make stuff for the internet over at Chalkboard Digital. You know, living the sweet life.
Thank you for keeping it real and saying what I didn’t want to admit xx
You’re so welcome lovely. These things need to be said sometimes, I think, so we don’t think we are the only ones thinking them. x
For a second or two I care that someone doesn’t like me, and I mean a second or two. Enough to say ok to myself “is that how it is, cool, great I know where I stand”. At it’s core I don’t care if someone doesn’t like me, because I know my truth. I don’t deliberately try to hurt people or give them reason to do so. I believe I carry myself in a kind and carry way. But if people don’t like me regardless of what context they encounter me in, I know at the end the day I know my truth.
On a side note I’ve had several people openly tell me that when they first met me or saw me they thought I was going to a bitch. Then they said they started to talk to me and realise I was nice. Point is you can’t control what others think, so I just worry about being the best me I can…..sometimes I stuff up, but that life’s and learning isn’t it?
You know me, in the end I always do what I like, say what I like {mostly, I don’t like to hurt other people’s feelings} and all that. But it’s funny how these things happen and you second guess yourself, even for a split second.
Do you suffer from bitchy resting face? I’d never noticed… 😛
Hmmmm I don’t know. I don’t think I do. I asked Ben last night if I had bitchy resting face, he didn’t know what the hell I was talking about. I think I’ll need to take a survey from truthful reliable friends lol.
Haha. The first time I met you, you were smiling… Soooo doubtful. Remind me to check next time we catch up. 😉
This is me to a T.. I have finally stepped up and made a decision to study for a career I can manage with my baby. The disappointment in my mums voice was clear when I told her how excited I was to be accepted to study to become a Personal Trainer. It took a lot of guts to admit what I truly wanted to myself and my family and to go out and get it. Life is too short to not do what you enjoy. I still wonder what people think of me.. dont know how to change it!
Good on you! And like the story with my Dad, sometimes these things can be misread as disappointment. It may have been concern or something else altogether. Good luck to you, I just know that whatever change you make for yourself, to follow your dreams, will turn out well.
I think women in our culture (and many others) are raised to think they should be nice. I think sometimes if you recognise the issue and can’t seem to change, you could try coming at it from a different angle.
You find the things you can be firm on. For me, it’s ethics. I can stand up to people about my beliefs on ethical issues. When it comes to ethics, I can stand up to people, random strangers, people I work with, friends…and not take it personally if they disagree or have a different position or think I’m insane. Sometimes I just harness that sense of empowerment for other situations too. It doesn’t come naturally but when you practice that idea, tell yourself this is one of those times you need that inner power, you can make little changes by being incrementally more assertive and not feeling bad if people don’t like it.
A great suggestion, thank you! And I’m always keen to look at things from a different angle.
I’m so ‘nice’ that nobody really dislikes me, but it leaves me feeling that I am never heard. The one or two times I’ve struck this I’ve been genuinely shocked, why would someone be mean to me? One of the big bonuses from the last two months has been to see that I can be nice and still be a leader. xx
PS I love your Dad, he sounds incredible and I can just see his bemused expression. xx
Got to watch the nice. The sneakiest, trickiest people I know are ‘nice’. The type of nice that means you always owe them something. IT’s sort of slimy. But you know that. I think you can be kind, generous with people and lead. But I’d watch that nice girl thing. 😉
Yes. He’s fabulous. You’d love him. x
This is so me that it made me laugh
OMG. Love! Loooooooove. Baaahaha.
Yep, yep and yep. It also makes me terrible at being assertive and standing up for my rights, because I’m constantly so eager to please and have people like me.
In some ways, it’s not a terrible thing, in others, it’s endlessly frustrating.
It does. The need to please above all else robs you of lots of things. You have hit the nail on the head Amy. I do think that being eager to please makes you more in tune with other people but not being able to turn it off, choose what you want for yourself and demand it, well that’s bad news.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Then I burnt the t-shirt and decided the only people I will care about that way are my close friends and family, because otherwise I can waste a lot of time and energy trying to get non-important people to like me.
We only have a limited time here on the planet, why waste one second of it on people who do not matter in the long run and who would never be there for me when I needed them most? 🙂
Haha. I would’ve worn that t-shirt! You know I LOVE t-shirt with catchy slogans on it. 😉
Why indeed. That’s the point I guess. The point you have to reach to be like, errr no, I like people, I hope they are happy but I like me more. Actually, I think that was in the Sex and The City movie somewhere. Eeeek.
I hate it. Why wouldn’t you like me huh? Whats not to like? Yes that was sarcasm..but if we liked each other everything would a little bit duller but its taken a long time to not care..I used to try and make them like me but that in the end made me sick and look ridiculous..now I’m like oh well your loss but having said that the only time I do care is when we have to stand side by side at one of small country towns school or community events..you may as well stick hot pokers in my eyes..
It would be, of course. But come on WHHHHYYYY doesn’t EVERYONE like me? Haha. You are so right. The trying to please everyone, the trying to make them like you, it’s a bad idea and it never works. I compare it to cats, when you try to make them like you they ignore you harder. Taunt you with their not liking of you. Humans are similar. 😉
You are a much better person than I am. If I suspect that someone doesn’t like me I’m super, sickly sweet to them to really piss them off.
HA! I’ve been known to do that too. Come on, that’s GREAT fun. 😀
I hear ya sister. I feel exactly the same way when it comes to wanting everyone to like me. It can really play on your mind and make you crazy. You just have to know that if someone doesn’t like you or chooses not to get to know you then that’s their loss. We are of value and will be valued and loved by those who are most important. The others shouldn’t even matter. Keep up the FABULOUS xx
Fabulous is well and truly being kept. Haha. Thank you. And you’re right, they shouldn’t even matter. They don’t. You know, most of the time. 😉