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Mothers Guilt ~ The view of a non-Mother

The gorgeous Hello Owl daughters before the Influenza diagnosis.
A serious case of Mother’s guilt followed. 
Now clearly I have no first hand experience with this topic. Technically. Though let me tell you, I was pretty darn guilty when I found out I was suffering a miscarriage. I questioned every decision I made and the thoughts I’d had about the future birth of this tiny thing. These thoughts, the questioning and the guilt did me no good. No good what so ever. But it gave me an insight. An insight I have never been brave enough to say before.

Mother’s guilt. It needs to stop. Now. Full stop.

From what I know Mother’s guilt is primarily a function of concern, love and a wanting to do the right thing by your child. And on another level, I think it speaks to the competitiveness of women. The comparisons, the whispered conversations and judgments, the varied methods of child rearing running head first into each other. Then the little voice, the one in your head, it says, maybe they are right.

I won’t pretend to know what those conversations sound like. But I know conversations of these type, the ones you have with yourself in your head. They never go well. They always leave you questioning yourself, those who love you and your place in this world. Add that to being a Mother. Which, if it’s anything like my experience TRYING to become a Mother is not an easy job. That conversation compounds and expands and takes over.

Look at those faces. The faces of your children. And tell me really, without all the bull is there anything there to be guilty about REALLY?

I vote no. 
Now where the heck is the off switch?

Suger

16 responses to “Mothers Guilt ~ The view of a non-Mother”

  1. Natalie Avatar
    Natalie

    Definitely a thought provoking post. As a single parent I often find myself with the guilt of making sure Alex doesn't miss out things that she might have or experience if I weren't a sole parent. I think you have hit the nail on the head because it really is about me and competing with others. Those who have met Alex describe her as well mannered and well behaved. So I guess she isn't missing out on anythig. The other thing I struggle with is time. It constantly brings me down with guilt that in order to live our life I have to commit to working full time and the hours I do which leaves little time during the week. It can't be helped. That saying we now have regular date nights and outings. I also am beginning to learn to value our time apart. Great post liss I could go on but I'm on my phone so it's kind of painfull

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  2. Danielle Avatar
    Danielle

    I do not suffer from mothers group. I'm the woman who drops her children off at work and doesn't whinge that she's missing her children, she doesn't whinge that I've left them in care while she goes for a night out with her husband or has lunch with her friends.WHY not because I'm a cold hearted bitch {i am a little} but because they love it and it's good for them and I'm selfish enough to know I need time out for me too.Mothers guilt sucks and nobody needs it.Dude – Please take better pictures of my children and post them on your blog. Half dead isn't pretty :P

    Reply
  3. ClaireyHewitt Avatar
    ClaireyHewitt

    My guilt has nothing to do with other parents. It isnt about competing, If it was I would be a complete utter basket case.Mine is totally about think "is this the right thing for me to be doing for the greater good of my child". Will my actions ruin their lives, will they grow up and know that I tried my best. The guilt comes because sometimes I dont know the answer. When they are clinging to me as I leave creche, I am not so sure. Will they realise that I was cooking dinner and trying to provide healthy meals rather than baked beans and that is why I wasn't on the floor doing puzzles? Should I be on the floor doing puzzles and have been more prepared by putting something in the slow cooker in the morning before they woke? Really, that is never going to happen in this house. But mother guilt often has nothing to do with anyone else, it has a life of its own in your own backyard.

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  4. Sarah Avatar
    Sarah

    I'm just trying to raise adults who are as least fucked up as possible. Me being guilty over my actions to their very existence isn't going to help that cause.It's just another aspect of being a parent and a woman that seems to be so expected. So ingrained in us that we are automatically doing everything wrong so we'd better feel shit about it. I'm not playing that game. So it's a big middle finger to mother guilt from me.

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  5. Zoe Avatar
    Zoe

    I only suffer mothers guilt for Harper. It's the crying and sad face he pulls when i leave him at day care. With someone I know its another story, im running out the door. I think there are different types of mothers guilt. Ones to do with breast feeding ect are caused by peer groups ect and they need to stop. I had a friend who nearly killed her newborn because she felt guilty putting it on a bottle when it was starving to death. The doctor eventually told her to grow up and stop listening to others or your babies liver will fail.. Drives me crazy things like that..

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  6. Lizzie Avatar
    Lizzie

    When I start feeling guilty about my child being in childcare, bumping her head or whatever it might be … I try and look at all the wonderful things she has in her life. Mostly love, and lots of it.I vote no too :)

    Reply
  7. Lady Koukou Avatar
    Lady Koukou

    This post has been removed by the author.

    Reply
  8. Lady Koukou Avatar
    Lady Koukou

    I understand the guilt or thoughts associated with a miscarriage or in my case miscarriages and one still born. What if's and question are constantly in your head, I think that is natural when you go through an experience like that.I now have 2 children they are aged 14 and 12 now. I was saying to a friend the other day who is returning to work after the birth of her son and feeling all kinds of guilt that I just don't get it.Call me also cold hearted, but I haven't felt guilt when I have dropped them at childcare, with a baby sitter or spent enough time playing puzzles while I have been cooking dinner. I guess I am also selfish enough to know that 'me' time is OK. I love them to bits I just don't feel guilty when I am not around them 24/7

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  9. Katie Avatar
    Katie

    I think what you suffered is definatly mother guilt. No matter how many medical people tell you its not your fault it's nothing you did, there's still guilt, I understand that. It's sucky when there is nothing you can do about it.For me I don't find mother guilt to be a bad thing, I find it pushes me every day to be a better parent, to punch it up a notch. It's not peer pressure from anyone else, just myself. I am my own worst enemy in that respect. Good post hun xx

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  10. Madmother Avatar
    Madmother

    My Mother Guilt is not connected to competitiveness because I am a friggin' brilliant mother with exceptional kids! My Mother Guilt is more that of the mother of a special needs child. Did I do something wrong? Is his brother struggling because of his brother's needs? Why can't I make life easier for both of them?Not logical, not irrational, purely emotional. I think if you have mother love the flip side to that wonderful thing is mother guilt. And I do not know of one person with kids in my life, who have not suffered it to some degree over something.

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  11. Karen Avatar
    Karen

    Great post, Suger.Also Madmother: just you thinking about his brother struggling is the best you could do. Really. :)It is frustrating for siblings of special needs children if people assume everything's easy or you 'get used' to it.

    Reply
  12. Kim-Marie Avatar
    Kim-Marie

    I made the decision to not feel mama guilt, because I honestly try to do the best for my son. I try very hard not to do things that would cause guilt. I'm raising a gentleman, who has a very high emotional IQ. He's an awesome little dude and he rocks my world. I worry about things, but I don't feel guilty per se. I stopped feeling guilty when I became so ill when he was 3 that I had to put him in daycare for a day or two so I could rest enough to manage looking after him for the rest of the week. I couldn't feel guilty over something out of my control, especially not when he so obviously thrived and loved it. Interesting thought on the competitive side of mother guilt. Not an issue for me. Don't have enough spare time to spend with my friends whom I adore, so definitely not wasting time on mothers who want to assuage their own guilt by denigrating my parenting. I hope your time comes soon x

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  13. Amy xxoo Avatar
    Amy xxoo

    Well bloody said!I only suffer from the occasional bout of mother guilt, and its usually after i've gotten cranky with Flynn – i feel bad that i let him upset me, or that i let myself lose patience. Otherwise he's a smart,funny, crazy little cookie and i could care less what other mums think!

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  14. Lisa Chiodo Avatar
    Lisa Chiodo

    OMG Mother Guilt your name is Lisa!!Still remember the coaching I got from Lisa Harris who asked me "Lisa are your kids loved (yes) are they well fed (yes) are they kept safe (yes) would you die for them (yes!)… then let go of this racket! still that mother guilt is always there to niggle… just today the kids in Luca's class were given certificates for achieving all their sightwords and Luca is still struggling with his first chart…bad mother… think it never ends honey! I am wishing you guilt by the bucket load xxx

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  15. River Avatar
    River

    I never suffered from mother's guilt. I didn't even know there was such a thing. Having been left by my own mum when I was seven, I had no idea how to raise kids. I birthed them and did the best I could, the best way I knew how. They thrived and were happy. I was happy. Heck the whole house was content. They're adults now and none of them has ever come to me and complained about their childhood. And I've never worried about what I might have done wrong. Nobody should suffer guilt like that. Do the best you can, don't compare kids or raising methods, just get on with it. YOU know better than anybody what makes your kids happy and keeps them healthy, so run your family your way and ignore the critics.

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  16. Rhonda Avatar
    Rhonda

    I think there is a fine line between being cognizant (did i spell that right?) and concerned about being a mother and feeling guilty…we all need to step back from the guilt line and realize we're doing a good job.

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