I think Christmas can be hard for people sometimes. No matter how fun the season or how much love you have in your life, sometimes sadness just hits you. Or it did me, anyway. I got thinking about my life, my dreams and the year that has been. In a quiet moment and then I was done. I could barely hold myself together.
I couldn’t talk, or smile, or really look my family in the eye for fear of losing it. I simply lost all ability to function. I just wanted to cry. Deep racking sobs that here I was, at my second Christmas. No baby. Strange but I hadn’t thought of it that way. Last year I never dreamed I’d be here. Still waiting.
And when breakfast was done and it was time to head over the lunch, we left. And I barely made it to the car before I bawled. Sobbed. Drawing breath in heaving gasps. Hubby held my hand as we drove home. Tears streamed down my face as I struggled to express my obvious physical reaction. Attempted to share with him this experience. I stopped, knowing he knew. I promised I just needed to get it out. That soon I would be fine.
And it was later, well after lunch, before I could really settle in and get back to enjoying myself. Then I could relax my guard against it coming back. I felt fragile. Tender to the festive cheer. I couldn’t even rely on the naivety that had got me through last Christmas. It was long gone. It was as I had said. I needed time for it to pass.
Then as quickly as it had come, it was gone. Along with the fear of exposing myself raw and angry and sad when there was so much to celebrate. And after that I laughed and ate and drank with my family. Relishing in the time spent with those I love most in this world. Because when it comes down to it. I am loved and very, very lucky.
Thinking about writing this I imagined that it is similar for those that have grief. No matter the guise. Is it? Do you ever find yourself, at the most beautiful times of life suddenly overwhelmed with your losses or grief? And do you find it more prevalent at this time of year?
You know what they say, ’tis the season…