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Smile, though your heart is breaking

I think Christmas can be hard for people sometimes. No matter how fun the season or how much love you have in your life, sometimes sadness just hits you. Or it did me, anyway. I got thinking about my life, my dreams and the year that has been. In a quiet moment and then I was done. I could barely hold myself together. 
I couldn’t talk, or smile, or really look my family in the eye for fear of losing it. I simply lost all ability to function. I just wanted to cry. Deep racking sobs that here I was, at my second Christmas. No baby. Strange but I hadn’t thought of it that way. Last year I never dreamed I’d be here. Still waiting.
And when breakfast was done and it was time to head over the lunch, we left. And I barely made it to the car before I bawled. Sobbed. Drawing breath in heaving gasps. Hubby held my hand as we drove home. Tears streamed down my face as I struggled to express my obvious physical reaction. Attempted to share with him this experience. I stopped, knowing he knew. I promised I just needed to get it out. That soon I would be fine. 
And it was later, well after lunch, before I could really settle in and get back to enjoying myself. Then I could relax my guard against it coming back. I felt fragile. Tender to the festive cheer. I couldn’t even rely on the naivety that had got me through last Christmas. It was long gone. It was as I had said. I needed time for it to pass. 
Then as quickly as it had come, it was gone. Along with the fear of exposing myself raw and angry and sad when there was so much to celebrate. And after that I laughed and ate and drank with my family. Relishing in the time spent with those I love most in this world. Because when it comes down to it. I am loved and very, very lucky.  
Thinking about writing this I imagined that it is similar for those that have grief. No matter the guise. Is it? Do you ever find yourself, at the most beautiful times of life suddenly overwhelmed with your losses or grief? And do you find it more prevalent at this time of year?
You know what they say, ’tis the season… 
   

Suger

18 responses to “Smile, though your heart is breaking”

  1. Danimezza Avatar
    Danimezza

    always, even now x

    Reply
  2. Thea Avatar
    Thea

    Yep! xx

    Reply
  3. Blocks and Knocks Avatar
    Blocks and Knocks

    A very raw and honest post, thank you for sharing. I know how TTC felt for us, 3 years and no baby to hold was one of the hardest times in my life. But even with my babies around me now finally, I still always feel a sense of great sadness at Xmas which I can't explain. It's all the reflection I think, instead of the looking forward. Here's to looking ahead! Xx

    Reply
  4. Madmother Avatar
    Madmother

    As you know, this year has been very hard. I do not think you can ever be prepared to lose your Mum. For us the day was quiet but better than we thought. We made sure she was alive in our hearts and I only choked up once when I looked at that empty chair.Merry Christmas my friend, may next year bring your dreams to fruition.

    Reply
  5. Babes Mami Avatar
    Babes Mami

    We've only been trying since July and I bawled myself. I'm so sorry that you were this upset. I hope that this time next year you have the baby you dream of.

    Reply
  6. Danimezza Avatar
    Danimezza

    always, even now x

    Reply
  7. Blocks and Knocks Avatar
    Blocks and Knocks

    A very raw and honest post, thank you for sharing. I know how TTC felt for us, 3 years and no baby to hold was one of the hardest times in my life. But even with my babies around me now finally, I still always feel a sense of great sadness at Xmas which I can't explain. It's all the reflection I think, instead of the looking forward. Here's to looking ahead! Xx

    Reply
  8. Madmother Avatar
    Madmother

    As you know, this year has been very hard. I do not think you can ever be prepared to lose your Mum. For us the day was quiet but better than we thought. We made sure she was alive in our hearts and I only choked up once when I looked at that empty chair.Merry Christmas my friend, may next year bring your dreams to fruition.

    Reply
  9. Cheeseboy Avatar
    Cheeseboy

    I love the way you write sometimes. So heartfelt and beautifully written. I felt for you all the way through.Glad that they day turned out well for you. Sometimes you have to go through hell before you get to heaven.

    Reply
  10. Babes Mami Avatar
    Babes Mami

    We've only been trying since July and I bawled myself. I'm so sorry that you were this upset. I hope that this time next year you have the baby you dream of.

    Reply
  11. Miss Ruby Avatar
    Miss Ruby

    Big hugs.I've written about something very similar today. I did bawl but in private, not even in front of the Guv because despite all these years, he still doesn't get it.I hope you get your wish of motherhood this year my friend.~x~

    Reply
  12. Kellyansapansa Avatar
    Kellyansapansa

    *sigh* life is just not fair *big hugs*

    Reply
  13. harbourmaster Avatar
    harbourmaster

    Sometimes I burst into tears walking down the street. Grief strikes at the most unpredictable moments.

    Reply
  14. harbourmaster Avatar
    harbourmaster

    Sometimes I burst into tears walking down the street. Grief strikes at the most unpredictable moments.

    Reply
  15. Lisa Avatar
    Lisa

    even ten years on, in a multitude of ways… and it's okay, this year I lost my brother Bradley and Christmas has been joy and tears. You know we wish you and Kelvin all the joy your baby will bring in the future, hang in there chicky babe!!!

    Reply
  16. Lisa Avatar
    Lisa

    even ten years on, in a multitude of ways… and it's okay, this year I lost my brother Bradley and Christmas has been joy and tears. You know we wish you and Kelvin all the joy your baby will bring in the future, hang in there chicky babe!!!

    Reply
  17. DiamondsOnMySoles Avatar
    DiamondsOnMySoles

    This Christmas marked my first with a child. It also marked the 2nd Christmas my first child would have had, had I not miscarried. And so, whilst having the joy of holding my baby on Christmas Day and celebrating there was still, lurking, the knowledge that I should have had another, already walking & talking, celebrating with us. So yeah, definitely, I feel it most at those special times of the year when I think of what could have been. I really hope your dreams and wishes come true, and that next Christmas you have cause for huge celebration in your family!

    Reply
  18. DiamondsOnMySoles Avatar
    DiamondsOnMySoles

    This Christmas marked my first with a child. It also marked the 2nd Christmas my first child would have had, had I not miscarried. And so, whilst having the joy of holding my baby on Christmas Day and celebrating there was still, lurking, the knowledge that I should have had another, already walking & talking, celebrating with us. So yeah, definitely, I feel it most at those special times of the year when I think of what could have been. I really hope your dreams and wishes come true, and that next Christmas you have cause for huge celebration in your family!

    Reply

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