My entire life up until a few years ago, I knew three things about myself. I was responsible, I was serious and I was stupidly large for a girl {tall, large feet, large hands, large size!}. Now the first and the last are not what this is about. This is about how I got un-serious.
I was barely 20 when I decided to get my serious life together. I moved back to my home town, husband-to-be in tow. I organsied engagement parties and twenty-firsts. I purchased a cafe. We renovated a house and booted tenants out of another. I carefully planned and structured a version of my perfect life.
My serious grown up life.
And I experienced the worst depression of my adult life. In my renovated home in the centre of town. In my spacious, grown up marital bed. I would cry. Soul rattling cries. I would gasp for air and at the same time hope it wouldn’t come so this could be over. Suicide might have been an option. Had I not lost so many from my life already. I was sad and broken in the serious life that I’d built.
I told you once, that my Dad would come. Talk to me. Hug me. Plan a future for me. My Hubby would hold me, panda to me, humour me. And mostly to love me, though there was nothing he could do. Nothing FOR him to do. I talked to someone and got a prescription from another {which I ended up never taking, it was comforting though to know it was there. Like a net.}.
And bit by bit I un-serious-ed myself. I gave in to the laughter and humour that was as much a part of me as anything but had been relegated to the not grown up enough box. I studied some more. Quit again. Went back into Real Estate. Drank some wine. Sang and danced. Bought family and friends closer and closer. I learnt some more about me.
And one day I got the joke. I got that being a grown up had very little to do with being serious. Like I imagined it did. I got that it had everything to do with me accepting me and being that. And let me tell you, the first day I tripped a little in the street and laughed loudly, mouth wide open and head flung back, I knew I had become a grown up.
And that I had successfully un-serious-ed my life.
Suger 
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