Yesterday I woke up. 9.30am or something close. Not too shabby. 12 hours of sleep and I had shaken the virus type things from the day before swiftly, if not yet wholly. I lounged in my quiet house, luxuriating in the silence, the peacefulness of it. I rose slowly and took a shower that went for a little bit too long. I made breakfast, got dressed and went out. All in 40 minutes.
I did some errands, lots of them, popping in an out of the car swiftly and with extreme focus. As I waited I tweeted {as you do}, I stopped when a new bump picture emerged. Wow. That stung. Maybe later. Two minutes passed and I was ready to go back and like it. I did, after all, like it.
I arranged lunch with my cousin. I met her in a shopping centre. She was chasing her almost 5 year old across the food court as he ran after a friend from kindy. She laughed as she dragged he back, pointing out that I had arrived. His little face lit up. I heard him say Aunty Lissa across the noise. I smiled. Big.
Having then ditched said older child with his aunty, it was just my cousin, me and her one year old. Our grand plan was to grab some sushi for lunch. So we did pushing her youngest in the pram. After grabbing our lunches we squished and shoved the pram in next to a table, got the little dude drinking his bottle and chatted over lunch. He looked so sweet. The pang was back.
After we had finished I pulled him out. Snuggled into him and had a play. We laughed, he ate the rest of my sushi rice {dude, I’m pretty sure there was at least some wasabi in there!} and he charmed the teenagers sitting on the bench backing against ours. I forgot for a moment that he wasn’t mine.
He, after all is two month’s younger than our bubba would have been. It hurt that it’s been so long. I imagined my boys being just like him and his brother. I blew a raspberry on his cheek to make him laugh. It was a combined pang/joy moment. It’s weird when those happen. too be so happy and yet so sad at once. My alarm sounded and I was off to an appointment. Squishy kisses and rice all over me.
Later in the supermarket I passed a young women that knows my Mum. She had all three of her kids with her. She was overrun. I smiled and waved. She smiled and said ‘Did you still want kids? Have mine!!’. I cringed, on the inside I hope, and smiled that no thanks, she could keep them. I’d have them when they were back at school. I laughed. She laughed.
But she looked panic stricken. She has lost babies. She knew that was not the thing to say. It was written on her face. I felt bad for her. She’d probably said the same thing 50 times that day and never felt like this. Heck, I’ve been there. Shesh. Awkward.
Soon I left to continue my shopping thinking about this post. And how present everything is when there is nothing else to crowd my brain {Unemployed, remember! Ha}. I wonder if every day will be like this now.
I freaking hope not.
The day continued into night. And night of nights twitter, facebook and the blogs was alive with baby news, baby talk and more. There is a wariness. A disclaimer’ed joy almost as we are all so sensitive to each other in our community. That hurts me more. You know. THAT pang. So I smiled to myself thinking. Yup. That post has to be written. I have to let you know;
That I really am happy for you. I really am excited. I really do want what you’ve got. I sometimes need to step back, but that I’ll be back. And mostly, that you should NEVER feel bad {or guilty, hun} for living your fabulous life. I want that you for as much as I want it for me.
….
Edited to add – A RECENTLY UNEMPLOYED TTC’ER. Hence the sleep in. Haha.
Suger 
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