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Sorry, does my infertility make you uncomfortable..!?

There is a moment, when you cross mentally, if not medically, from being a couple ttc to being an infertile couple. For whatever the reason {or for NO reason} stuff changes. Your hopes change {one, just give me ONE!}, your plans change, your options and the testing and processes that go along with them, change. People change.
When you are infertile, people get weird. And then, you get weird with them being weird. Not all people. Some people. I’d even go so far as to say most people. Not that I blame them. I get weird about it too. I have never really referred to myself as infertile. It just seems, weird, you know. 
But back to other people. It gets especially weird, I think, for pregnant people, or people with kids who fell pregnant during your ttc year/s. I have heard women say they would not talk about their pregnancy or go over the top with the everything is great, grin and bare it because I have what you want so badly, conversation. Just so they wouldn’t make me upset or hate them for complaining. 
Sometimes when we are talking I can see them over thinking every word. I appreciate the care and concern, really, I do but measured conversation is always strange. Uncomfortable. And it could be me. I can date the child, like it or not, to where we were in stages of trying when we found they were expecting him/her. Hang on. That’s weird, right! Child dating. Oh god. I AM the weird one.
You know what else is strange, the assumption that because I want kids of my own that I want to hold yours. That would be a mistake. Like the child itself, I imagine, I need some time to warm up to the idea. Me ttc does not automatically make me a baby hugging, spit up ignoring, womb chaser. But that’s just me. I hear others, this is them to a tee. 
I worry about some of you that read this blog. I worry that this struggle of ours makes you uncomfortable about what you have. Weird about sharing your family and joy and even commenting on this style of posts in case you come off as preachy or whatever. I know you can always avoid these style of posts. But i hope it doesn’t make you avoid me in general. I don’t want to end up with no baby AND no bloggy friends…
So yeah, weirdos, stop being so gosh darn weird. 
And I’ll do my best. Promise.

Suger

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32 responses to “Sorry, does my infertility make you uncomfortable..!?”

  1. Katie Avatar
    Katie

    Great post hun.Love xx

    Reply
  2. Belinda Avatar
    Belinda

    I find it worrying that you have labelled yourself infertile. Are you dealing with infertility issues? Yes. This does not make you infertile? No. Sometimes people react more to a mindset/label than the actual issue you are dealing with. Ex-Husb was infertile in the true sense, but we never called ourselves infertile or labelled our journey as such. You know I luv ya guts, but I think this is as much a mindset issue for you as it is the people who know your struggle. (Plus yes, the general issue of long term trying to conceive brings up a variety of emotions in other people. People can only work off what they've experienced, and draw from their own lives. Keep in mind that this is a 2 way street, and you don't know the stuff they may have experienced around the issue too)

    Reply
  3. Danielle Avatar
    Danielle

    Its hard and it's part of your life and you should totally be able to share your journey. I think it's fantastic when people do posts like this because there is always somebody out there feeling the same thing or has been there before. We had huge problems when ttc with vi we were coming up to two years and were ready to give in..why was it so easy the other times we thought. Perhaps we should ave just gone out and got wasted just like the other times. It happened so easily then. My bf in town was also ttc and I felt like we shared everything. We were sitting at their house one night eating oysters and I felt funny..so she gave me a preg test from her stash and I went home and tested and up came two pink lines. I remember being so excited and overjoyed bit then I felt sick because she wasn't pregnant I was. I went over to tell them and her hubby opened the door and I burst into tears and my friend she wouldn't even come out of the bedroom. we all deal with these things differently but it doesn't make it any easier.

    Reply
  4. Danielle Avatar
    Danielle

    That was toally just all about me!

    Reply
  5. Kazloutom Avatar
    Kazloutom

    Great post indeed. It is about how uncomfortable it is for others, rather than me with a lot of my friends…some of which I do try not to be around that much anymore. Or for me another problem I had, was how our infertility affected them…oh ok sorry about that, don't mind me…Thank you for writing that, makes me feel like not such a weirdo..

    Reply
  6. Kelly Avatar
    Kelly

    Great post – it has made me realize that I have been acting weird around my BBF who is fertility problems. I just feel guilty because I have 3 kids.

    Reply
  7. Kelly Avatar
    Kelly

    Oops missing the word "has" from my comment :)

    Reply
  8. stink-bomb Avatar
    stink-bomb

    i'll disagree with Belinda – you're classed as INFERTILE if you've been ttc for more than a year, or 6 months if you're over 35, if you can't carry a child to term, if you have ANY kind of issue gettng pregnant – so yes you ARE using the correct term.people often think the word infertile means you can't get pregnant at all as in no eggs, no ovulation, no sperm but it doesn't – i've had this exact same conversation with my ill informed 40+ year old cousin who said "but you can get pregnant so you're NOT infertile" – well my 8++ miscarriages say otherwise honey!it's as if people are afraid to say the word infertile and talk about it.i think it's great that you care about your readers and others in your life being uncomfortable about your ttc journey and talking about – me not so much. people rarely give me and my struggle a second thought [irl mainly] and so i've stopped really caring if what i have to say or talk about makes them uncomfortable, i used to til i realised it wasn't a two way street.you know i understand this journey you're on all too well – i can't believe it's been 11 years for us this year but if my journey has taught me only one thing it's this and i want to pass it onto you – never forget that you are MORE than your ttc journey.love ya gutsxxxxx

    Reply
  9. Kristie Avatar
    Kristie

    I *get* this…

    Reply
  10. Danimezza Avatar
    Danimezza

    Good post doll xI feel uncomfortable. I was so vocal about my want for a child and once I was pregnant I lost a lot of friends, it was too painful for them to read my blog anymore. A lot of people read purely to feel my pain, a common emotional ground. I know what it feels like first hand and know nothing can be said to make anyone feel better, there is no quick fix so I usually end up saying nothing. It's always awkward.

    Reply
  11. Zoe Avatar
    Zoe

    Note to self – If melissa ever meet my kids, don't hand them to her coz she might go nuts!! hahaGood on you for putting it out there.. Your not alone in the world.. :)

    Reply
  12. Belinda Avatar
    Belinda

    Infertile is usually a classification/label used by general practitioners and the general public for people who has been trying to conceived for longer than a year, yes. According to my ferility specialist, and the one my best friend is currently seeing for IVF, it is not a diagnosis and simply a label. Fertility issues arise due to a number of factors which each have their own diagnosis. Being someone who works in psych and counseling, mindset and how YOU label what you are going through will have an impact on how people view your situation. Sometimes it can be the difference between making it through psychologically healthy or not. If you've decided to label yourself 'infertile' without any sort of professional diagnosis, that is what concerns me. The word infertile is a very very powerful word, especially for women in a society focused on making babies, and it's why a lot of people don't how to react when they hear it, or know someone they love who has gone through it. We all also have different views on this depending on our own experience. It's a powerful, emotion filled topic, and I know I cried while reading Mel's post because it brought up so many feelings for me.

    Reply
  13. Hi I'm Rhonda. Avatar
    Hi I’m Rhonda.

    Maybe because we're TTC as well and it's been longer than I would like but I can sympathize with this post completely. Sometimes it's made worse by the fact that this is secondary infertility and people think to tell me "well at least you have one already"; as if that makes this pain any less real. I don't know where that line is where a couple crosses over from TTC to Infertility, but I suspect that I am close.

    Reply
  14. Kel Avatar
    Kel

    Great post :) I'm in the same boat as Rhonda – we have one and would like another and it's just not happening. But already having a child makes me cautious of writing anything on my blog or in comments about being disappointed or frustrated that it's not happening because we do already have a child, and I don't want to offend anyone who is ttc #1.I think everyone has their own battles to deal with, and I think people shouldn't be afraid to be honest about how they feel, good or bad.There will always be topics that make people feel awkward, but life is a mysterious beast and we just don't know what's around the corner. If we talk openly about things more, the awkwardness might become a little less.

    Reply
  15. Hayley Avatar
    Hayley

    I think it's great that you have been able to put how you are feeling in to words! I don't have any answers but just want to say that I am thinking of you and I personally don't feel uncomfortable reading things like this because this is after all your blog, your life…If anything you make me appreciate what I do have in those times that sadly I don't.

    Reply
  16. Lady Fabulous Avatar
    Lady Fabulous

    I'm gonna call myself Infertile Myrtle from now on ;) I have both sides when it comes to reactions – my close friends are the ones who don't hide anything from me, good or bad, but understand completely when I say I just can't be around them at the moment. I get pregnancy announcements by email or text message, so I can react on my own and contact them when I'm ready. People who aren't so close say stupid things, but I choose to laugh at them later, and secretly be happy that they said something so stupid, because obviously they don't know what it's like.

    Reply
  17. Melissa Avatar
    Melissa

    It's a fine line, because lots of people take it lots of ways.Joel and I struggled with infertility. It took 5 years (3 on Metforming) and 2 (on Metformin) to have Sam. I have PCOS. There were 3 miscarriages in there. One of them incredibly traumatic.But I feel wierd using the term infertile with regard to myself, on your blog, or on the blog of anyone going through infertility or who has had to go further than I – IVF etc. Some want you to talk freely. Others want you to say nothing at all. I try to strike a balance. But I can't help that I have children, and that they are a part of my life. So they're likely to come up at least sometimes in conversation, no matter how sensitive I try to be.Still. I hope that soon you and K get your dream. I hope that this doesn't turn into a terribly long journey for you. I get the feeling you'd rock at being a Mum.

    Reply
  18. Recursively Avatar
    Recursively

    As a childless-but-still-trying non-mom of 12 years, may I say that I concur:1. I have no problem with other people being happy because they have children. In return, I hope nobody has a problem that I have a rockin' awesome marriage.2. I get tired of others trying to cope with me not having children. Mother's day is full of sympathy grins and worried looks. Get over it. I don't like going to church because I have to deal with others trying to deal with my childlessness, not so much because I don't have children. I have a mom. I think they deserve a day to be celebrated, regardless of my situation.That being said, I think that in general people just respect my privacy and don't make it an issue because I don't make it an issue. Motherhood is one role that women play, and there are many more roles. Being childless doesn't stop me from being an amazing and valuable woman. I am no less of a person, and I would say that 99% of the people I know would agree with me. Anyone who doesn't isn't worth a second thought.

    Reply
  19. Melissa *Suger Coat It* Avatar
    Melissa *Suger Coat It*

    All conversation is good conversation to some degree on this topic. Perhaps, we can ditch a little of the weird. I say some because it's such a personal area and emotions run so high, you can't help some weird.Thank you Belinda for your concern. I get what you mean {And Rach, I know Bel irl so it was clearer to me, thank you for sharing your hard fought information with us} about labels being confining and constrictive. It becomes a mindset thing, the very thing that Rach warns against, the being MORE than the ttc journey. But the heading is what it is because it was catchier {more concise}.And yes, I find it hard to use the word infertile. It fucks {pardon the language} with my head. Thank you all for sharing and adding some words. That was the point. Love your guts. xox

    Reply
  20. Life In A Pink Fibro Avatar
    Life In A Pink Fibro

    Great post Melissa. It's the old 'not sure what to say so I'll just bugger it up by saying too little or too much'. I tend not to label people. You're just Melissa, on your journey. I'm Allison, on mine. Our journeys may not be the same right now, but that doesn't mean we don't have lots in common. I'll stop now. Don't want to bugger it up.

    Reply
  21. stink-bomb Avatar
    stink-bomb

    can i just say how much i love Recursively's post? she rocks and more importantly so does her attitude, can you bottle it and pass me some please?~x~

    Reply
  22. Tai Tai Avatar
    Tai Tai

    I just love that you're so honest about it all, about your feelings and about how you feel about others. Power to you for being SO honest with everyone and with yourself. Takes a lot of guts xx

    Reply
  23. Tara @ Our Whirlwind Adventures Avatar
    Tara @ Our Whirlwind Adventures

    Love the post but can understand what you consider 'weird behaviour'.I know an infertile couple and they've been TTC for years, in that time I had two children, unplanned. I feel awful that I have what so many people want.. by accident, if you will. I apologize if this comment even comes across as being weird, also. All I want to say is thank you for explaining it makes you uncomfortable.It's hard to know what to say around couples who want but don't have children, and this has opened my eyes a lot xo

    Reply
  24. Cara1979 Avatar
    Cara1979

    Thank you for writing this post. Its so nice to know that I am not the only one who baby dates esp the two babies that were conceived by my two best friends at exactly the time that I finally conceived for the first time, only to be diagnosed with a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks. My miracle baby finally arrived but now we are being greedy and looking for number 2 and all the old feelings are resurfacing and the old resentments of friends who are busily falling pregnant with their second babies are rearing their ugly head. I was such a bitch when we were first trying to conceive, I would ignore totally other people's pregnancies, talk about anything but and i'm sure it made them uncomfortable but i was so angry i was past caring. This time round I'm in it for the long haul again and hopefully i can be more self-aware and less self-obsessed and actually be a better friend. Its so lovely to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this, I know logically that i'm not but its different seeing other women actually talk about it and confirm that they feel the same way as me esp when they are hoping for number 2 to arrive. anyway thank you for writing this post and thank you to everyone for commenting. Cx

    Reply
  25. GemmaJoy Avatar
    GemmaJoy

    I just want to give you a hug. I have no experience with ttc, babies etc. But reading your posts does make me think about the difficulties of trying to get pregnant. I read all your posts, I've just been a slack commenter.

    Reply
  26. Mrs BC Avatar
    Mrs BC

    No, your infertility doesn't make me feel uncomfortable, but if I said something that made you feel sad or upset or offended then I definitely would be uncomfortable. So, here goes – It sucks that you can't have a baby, it's not fair, because you would be an awesome mum & I hope one day you will be. xx

    Reply
  27. Amy xxoo Avatar
    Amy xxoo

    It doesnt make me uncomfortable – but it does make me appreciative of how easily things happened for me.So i'll continue to share things about birth, and pregnancy, and labour, and my nutso 17 month old and instead of wondering if they cause you pain i'll hope that they bring a little laughter to your day, and some hope to your situation…. xxoo

    Reply
  28. cjtato Avatar
    cjtato

    Great post and so true in many areas of life. As you said, it's nice that people are so "nice" about it but it does get weird. I ditto what Allison said. Oh and I NEVER force my kids onto anyone (well maybe just the one time when my bf's boyfriend said what can I take for you and I threw a screaming child at him but, hey, he asked). ;p

    Reply
  29. Melissa *Suger Coat It* Avatar
    Melissa *Suger Coat It*

    Thank you all for commenting and adding your stories and opinions. I freakin' LOVE THAT! I have replied via email to most with addresses attached. And again, thanks for sharing.

    Reply
  30. Amy Avatar
    Amy

    I think we need to hear about it more. I have been so blessed with two easy TTC journeys (one so easy, in fact, that I didn't even realise it was happening until I got the pink line on a stick) and I'm really young- I feel uncomfortable sometimes around by friends who are in their late 30's, struggling with IVF and running out of time. It's so hard to know what to say, how to act. The more we talk about things like this, the less stupidity there will be. For example, although I don't give a 'sunshine and roses' talk every time, I also make sure not to complain too much about how many times last night I was up with the baby. I try and keep my pregnancy off facebook. I NEVER ask anyone about when (if) they'll be having children.

    Reply
  31. Natalie Mulford Avatar
    Natalie Mulford

    I enjoy reading about peoples journeys. I may be wierd, but having been told myself that it would be highly unlikly for me to have children, I love to hear when someone I know falls pregnant. While TTC can be hard for some people, it is often part of the journey. I understand about what you mean about people changing. It's happened to me when I mentioned to someone once that I had a miscarriage, and it often happens if I bring up my mental illness. It doesn't make me a different person to who I was 5 minutes ago when you didn't know!

    Reply
  32. Dr Bron Avatar
    Dr Bron

    Please please please can you do my online survey (unless you have already)? It is on childlessness (involuntary and voluntary). For people who are involuntarily childless, I would imagine it is so difficult to write about, but I really would love to hear your story in more depth. The link is http://www.tinyurl.com/noparent if you're up to it. xxx

    Reply

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