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I fell from higher than a wagon…

Dark clouds roll in
Last year leading up to Christmas things were going well. Very well indeed. I was at the gym. I had lost some major cm’s, I was planning and eating well. All good. And then I fell of the wagon. And the wagon was atop of five story building. That is how far I fell off. Really far.
God knows what I actually weigh right now. I have had a few walks on the treadmill since before Christmas. I am angry with myself. Annoyed and frustrated. I am telling myself that obviously I don’t want it bad enough. That I’m a loser. A liar. And practically worthless. And mostly that it will never happen for me. I’ll be unhealthy forever. I just want to run, darn it. 
And did you know I am still not pregnant? Well I’m not. Ain’t that grand. Lah-dee-da. Did you know my niece is eight weeks old tomorrow. Well she is. And my cousin’s son is over 6 months old. My baby would have been two months older, maybe more. And instead. Nothing, Nadah. And the scary part is, I care but I don’t. I am numb to the wanting. To the pain of not having. I barely feel it at all anymore.
I think part of me gave up. Just quietly. The quitter in me who quits gave up. I cannot seem to muster the will to do the things i need to do. To try again. To do better. And I thought this blah feeling was seasonal. It’s not. Apparently. The sun has been out, shining on me for days now. And I am still inspiration’less. Still without drive or motivation or anything. 
I’m in a dark place. No matter how many blessings I count they are never enough. And that scares me. The warped reality of it. The skewed perspective of it. The shame and guilt of feeling this way when so many are suffering. It is overwhelming. And I punish myself with cruel words. Taunt myself with my failures. Hide from those who love me. 
It may be time to ask for help.

Suger

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15 responses to “I fell from higher than a wagon…”

  1. naoise.x. Avatar
    naoise.x.

    i did the same thing i was going great last year…now….=[maybe we should have like a blogger meet and walk day!!!just talk and walk about the city or something like an epic walk! and lose all the unwanted extras as a group!!!love.x.

    Reply
  2. Farmers Wifey Avatar
    Farmers Wifey

    I'm sorry lovely that you feel like this….and I can empathise with the baby longing too…You should join our Battle of the Blogger Butts challenge, it is SO motivating….we can help you start again xxx

    Reply
  3. toushka Avatar
    toushka

    you have every right to feel angry and shitty. And I have no right to give you any advice or well meaning platitudes. Just hugs. But if you need help, get it, you deserve it. Put yourself first.

    Reply
  4. Lucy Avatar
    Lucy

    It is time, and you should. Please. Will email you. Maybe not today, but later this week. xx

    Reply
  5. Kimmie Avatar
    Kimmie

    Ditto what toushka said gorgeous girl~!Hugsxxxxxxxx

    Reply
  6. Kel Avatar
    Kel

    I can't add anything to the words above…big hugs x

    Reply
  7. MultipleMum Avatar
    MultipleMum

    Melissa. You have done it. You have written it down. Seek help. Accept help. You want this and you deserve it. Get someone to help you make it happen. Big hugs x

    Reply
  8. Rianna Avatar
    Rianna

    Honey this does not sound too good. I vote to defintely seek help. xo

    Reply
  9. Kimmie Avatar
    Kimmie

    Checking in cupcake you ok today?HugarooniesKimmiex

    Reply
  10. PinkPatentMaryJanes Avatar
    PinkPatentMaryJanes

    Oh love, hope you're feeling better today – it's good to let it out xx

    Reply
  11. Miss Ruby Avatar
    Miss Ruby

    A couple of things…First, so you fell off the diet and exercise wagon – meh, it happens, we all go over bumps, some us manage to stay on, ALOT of us fall off. That's fine, just make sure you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and climb back onto the wagon.Second – becoming numb to the wanting – it's called survival. Take it from someone who has been "surviving" that wanting for 11 years – you just have to do it, you have to become numb to it otherwise it will consume you – it did me and I can promise you that nothing good came from that – I nearly lost my marriage from it.Thirdly – "No matter how many blessings I count they are never enough. And that scares me. The warped reality of it. The skewed perspective of it. The shame and guilt of feeling this way when so many are suffering."Don't do that. Everyone's problems, issues are relative to their lives. Don't diminish your own because of what others are going through. They may not be the same, they may not be on the same scale but your problems and feelings are just as important as anyone elses and you're ALLOWED to feel them."It is overwhelming. And I punish myself with cruel words. Taunt myself with my failures."Stop it. There are enough people in this world who are quick to point out others mistakes, failings and taunt them, don't do it to yourself. Be kind to yourself, you deserve your own kindness in spades.Lastly, don't hesitate to get help, to talk to someone, it takes a courageous person to admit they arent coping and a weak one to let the world believe they are if they aren't.Lotsa love n big hugs~x~

    Reply
  12. eenni meeni me Avatar
    eenni meeni me

    hey mel, you know I could have written your post word for word… I too have well and truly fallen off the wagon and I do care so very much but also I dont – I know you know what I mean ;-( life sucks when you want something so bad but yet you dont want to do it !! I am back in bloggyland so stop by and say hi but in the meantime just put one foot in front of other and take each day as it comes x

    Reply
  13. Melissa *Suger Coat It* Avatar
    Melissa *Suger Coat It*

    Thank you all for your kind words. I have made some calls this morning and have been given a number of a lady locally. And I started the Couch to 5km program. Exercise has worked for me in the past to beat away the grey clouds.Watch this space.

    Reply
  14. Linda Fischer Avatar
    Linda Fischer

    Melissa, I think I'm one of your newer followers… I so appreciate your honesty and your ability to express what so many others are feeling. Your friends are wise. Talk to your local lady. and don't give up. Miracles happen.

    Reply
  15. Curvaceous Queen Avatar
    Curvaceous Queen

    Whether you realise right now or not you just asked for help.To change ourselves, our very defence mechanisms is really hard work and you will have many many setbacks. The real victory is continuing. The only way you fail is to give up.I'm on the same journey as you. One step, sometimes forwards, sometimes back, but still one step at a time.

    Reply

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