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I love Christmas. You know this. I was talking about Christmas in September for goodness sake. But this year, there is something missing. There is no excitement. We haven’t shopped, there is no tree, we have only one concrete plan for the season. My Christmas party was in November for goodness sake. I am turning into the bah humbug. And I’m a little bit devastated.
I don’t want that. For me Christmas is a wonderful, joyful time of anticipation and fun. My family loves Christmas and we do it big. Lots of family, food and a ridiculous amount of presents. We hang out, we laugh and we tease each other mercilessly. My mother has been known to fully colour theme Christmas from the decorations to the paper to the napkins and forks used at lunch. Perfection with a massive dose of reality craziness. Just the way I like it. Seriously, you could video it and put us into a sitcom. It’s that way for us. I love that.
So why then, this year, am I so blah you might ask? Well let me see if I can put this into words. I was a child with the wonderment that entails. Then I was a young single partying with friends and enjoying my family, followed by a newly wed. I think this could be about not having children. I almost cried at the thought of what Mum would put in the annual Christmas letter. Melissa & Hubby, nothing new here. No news, no baby, same house, same place. Drag out last year and repeat.
I’m trying hard not to call 2010 a waste, a wasted opportunity, as there were so many moments, memories and joys. But I feel like I am no closer to what I want. I may never be closer. I don’t want to believe that, but it is true. I may never have the baby I want. then what? And in some way I have to reconcile, that while others have their Christmas wish under their tree or in their arms, I do not.
So. How did I end up here. A sad and mopey little side track. But what can you do. It is what it is. Recreating it, I find, causes it to disappear. So there is it, my Christmas heartbreak, recreated. Here’s hoping it disappears. So off I go to erect a tree and string some glossy balls. I might even wrap some old boxes just for effect.
tis the season after all.
Suger 
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