Something has been dancing around in my head. A question. Once asked has never left. Do you think it is the same. She asked. For you as it is for me. We both long for a baby. I have a husband, she said, I am much closer. It’s closer to a reality so it must be different for me. Where as she. She wanted it all. And had none of it. No partner or baby. Nothing of what she really wanted. Plenty, yes. But that.
I think it is the same. I said. For you and for me. We both want things. We both don’t have them. Being closer or further from the end makes no difference since the end is possibly infinite. I can no more determine the weather than I can foresee when she and I will hold our babies in our arms. Or when she will meet the man that she will have by her side, forevermore.
I know it is the same, well I think I do, as it is when you are awaiting to meet someone. Waiting to be engaged. Waiting to set a wedding date. Waiting to decide to have children. Getting the job you want. The promotion to dizzying heights you’ve worked and waited for forever. If you want it. And it isn’t yours. Others are getting it and you so desperately want it. You know you are made for it. That this is THE thing that has you take this place on this earth.
And it hurts. It injures the very piece of you that remains that says that you are the center of the universe. The most important thing here. It rocks that to its very foundation. And I think it chips away at some of the last of the naivety. I know for me, when I got to the bottom of the barrel of all my tricks {the manipulation, the bargaining, the promises, the tricking, the positive thinking, the not thinking, the everything} that is what hurt most. That ripping moment when I realized that all control had been severed from me. It was no longer mine.
And it never occurred to me like that before. I snagged a boyfriend before I wanted one {especially not THAT one}, was engaged quickly before anyone I knew really. And Hubby, though he would have gladly had children years ago waited until I gave my ovaries the go ahead. Come to think of it. That was probably one of the times of longing for Hubby. And we’ve never really discussed what it took for him to put his greatest desire on hold. To watch. To wait. But without discussing it. I know. Or I think I know.
And I think it is something that all people can relate to. Whatever your thing is. Would you agree?
Suger 
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