It was less than a year ago that I had it all. Well besides money in the bank, I had it all. Freedom was the word of the year 2009. I was the master of my dominion. I worked from home, I contracted out, I slept during the day. I created the game and played it and won or lost it. I visited friends and family on a whim. I once laid turf and landscaped because I could and it wasn’t even my house. God knows, it wasn’t my house. Sigh. I was free, to do what I want, any old tiiiimmmmmmmme. 

For a steady income. And today, when I am up to my eyeballs in it, I can’t help but question why. I know at the time the challenge of it was captivating. The lure of the more than reasonable pay helped. And Hubby was tearing his hair out at the prospect of balancing our budget and things were st-rain-ed. I however rubbed my hands together at the prospect of jumping back into real estate and said I’d do it. Plus, let’s face it, they were a little desperate.

Today, as I watch another weekend disappear before me in a sea of scheduled events, I wonder what I am doing. Where all this will lead. And I wonder if you have noticed it is a little flat around here. Over here with me. A little lacking in the sparkle-arkle that I love so much. I really don’t know what I want. And I blame the TTC, because I can. You see if I had been able to fall pregnant or if we had had a baby in April, life would have had a direction, built in. And without it, which so wasn’t our plan, I am more than a little adrift. 

I dream, literally, of packing my bags (and Hubby) and running away from home. Leaving it all behind me and carving a fresh new path for myself. That’s kinda what I was talking about here. Next year my friend’s Sam and Lisa move to Italy. And we have always planned to go and visit. I dream of staying for at least a year or maybe even two. And so I roll it over and over in my head. Hatching plans of running away. But what would I do… you know, for money..?