I get angry at myself. For being worse than I am. For wanting more than I have. But mostly for the track that runs in my head. Because it turns out, whoever recorded that track, she’s a mega cow. And yes, in case you were wondering, this IS going to be one of those posts. An investigation into me. A look at who I am being. Because sometimes that’s the best thing. Don’t you think?

Like I said, I get angry the most at my inner dialogue {yes, you have one, it’s called your little voice in some circles}. The little voice is the one who is constantly comparing and criticising and generally pushing you over the edge. For me, it happens everywhere. In life, in relationships, even when I am alone. It appears too when I blog. Lately, it has affected me most when I blog.  

Just like so many, sometimes I get jealous and wonder, why? I question opportunities presented and events attended and I think, why not me? Believe me, I’m not blind to the fact that often, it IS me. But clearly, the little voice is irrational. And then, the ugly that I spoke of a few weeks ago is right there. I want to be good at what I do. I’d prefer to be the best. So I feel myself drawn to compete. 

But what good will that do anyone?

None. Well, it sure as heck doesn’t do me any good anyway. It drives me back into my corner. It sends me back into my own head. I feel insignificant and overlooked. I go down, down, down. In a way I relish in it. The woe is me, poor me, nobody like me thing. Sometimes I make pointed remarks. Sometimes I blog all about it and never publish it. 

And what I do post it sucks, blows the big one because it’s not real. It’s filler crap while I flop around in the muck I’ve created for myself. I get narky, pouty and generally ick. It’s the worst of me. Competitiveness. And for a time, we struggle. The voice and I. Until I win.   

Anyway. There it is. I wanted to let you all know that I do this sometimes. Because I know some of you have told me you feel this way. I know you feel overlooked or under valued. Just as I know, you’ve told me, that you assume I don’t. Well. I do. Often enough. 

And I’m going to say it’s human. Normal even. Which gives me some peace about it. But I don’t have to like it. And neither do you. But give yourself a break, acknowledge that your flawed, we all are, and move on. I’d say set yourself a challenge to quit doing it. But seriously, I’m just about full to the brim of quitting stuff. So I might leave this bad habit for another time. Another month.