We were at church. It was Riley’s chirstaning. Her parents Tam and Kylie sat holding their youngest while her older brother Ethan was beside them. Ethan held her baptism candle, proudly. As the priest spoke of exercising the demons {in a barely one year old, really? I pondered} Ethan dropped the candle. It rolled noisily across the timber floor. Come back here you dirty rat, Ethan shouted, as he dashed to pick it up.
The congregation giggled at the show stopping moment. Ethan returned to his seat, candle in hand and said to Kylie quietly, why does this ALWAYS happen to me. I snorted I laughed so hard. But there have been moments in my life that I’ve thought the same thing.
Like the summer when I worked at the Alexandria Headlands water slides. Our uniform was a white t-shirt, usually worn over togs and shorts of some description. The slides did parties. And one day, just after I’d been momentarily promoted to slide lifeguard, in came Lisa Curry for a kids birthday party. Now I was a beach kid and a swimmer. Lisa was my hero {and still is thanks to her business savvy and general awesomeness}.
I prepared myself to be brave and say hello. Keeping one eye on my charge {the speed slide – one at a time please} I sought her out in the crowd. Each time she came close I chickened out. Shy to be face to face with a legend. As the day wore on I realised THIS could be my last chance. So I made a move to say hello. At that moment a sizeable man had launched himself down the slide. As he hit the bottom there was a mighty wave like splash.
And my white t-shirt and I were caught in the very middle of it. With hair dripping, shirt sticking to my barely covered by a triangle bikini chest, and a giant crowd of children madly screaming at THEIR new hero. I caught the eye of Lisa Curry. She smiled at me and I shrugged. You’ve got a great job, she said. I nodded like a moran and called for a sub. Shuffling off wondering why do these things ALWAYS happen to me.
And then, there was today. After a morning spent madly washing my clothes and tidying my house, I dragged on a singlet and denim skirt, my ratty old flats and ran out the door. I was off to the Sunshine Plaza. My hair freshly washed and my Garnier BB on my face, I was set. I soon learnt that drive an early nineties car in the Queensland heat {and yes, it only gets worse} means you’ll need the window down. Unfortunately for me, this meant on the highway.
When I arrived at the Plaza 50 minutes later my hair was dry and crazy, I was flushed and sweating. And annoyed at having to borrow a car when I had a perfectly good one {with AIR CON} of my own. I rushed from my back end of nowhere car park to make it the the newly opened Virtu store where they were expecting me before lunch.
The lovely ladies at the store, grabbed the dresses I had on hold. Set me up in a dressing room where I finally took a deep breath and got a look at myself in the store mirror…
Oh shit. I thought. THIS is bad. I hope I don’t see anyone I know. Apparently my clothes got a little crumpled on the car trip down. And baggy and ill fitting! And just like that the wind was out of my sails. And you know what happens when you take the wind out of your sails. Things turn to poo. I got a mocha instead of my coffee, there were no shirts in the whole Plaza suitable for Hubby to wear to the wedding Saturday and I was hot and uncomfortable in the muggy conditions.
Finally I gave up. I was heading towards where my car was parked and ducked through MYER. I saw a camera man and reporter looking person on my way through. I ducked past, moving quickly towards the door. I realised I forgot the Steve Jobs book I promised Dad. I turned back and went back into the book section. Book in hand I resumed stamping to my way to the car park.
Than I spotted a blonde vision in a Navy dress with an orange {maybe red?} blazer. She looks familiar. I thought. Then I was distracted by some nearby shoes and when I looked up again I knew why she was familiar. It was Nikki, from Styling you, recording a segment for a local news channel. Damn. I thought. I LOVE that outfit. At which moment I remembered what a total bogan I looked like.
So I got shy. I thought to myself they look busy. And they did. Nikki was grabbing clothes and shoes and bags off the racks like the pro she is. The camera was following. And I piked. Instead of going to say hello I smiled on my way past. Ducking my messy ponytail. Pulling at my baggy, wrinkled skirt. Not that I thought Nikki would care. But, you know, I did. I thought to myself, why, why didn’t I dress better today!! Why does this ALWAYS happen to me.
And it occurred to me as I drove away. These things happen to me because I’m chicken. And I’m vain. A vain chicken. And what a super dooper waste THAT is. Next time, as Nikki suggests, I’ll crash tackle her and say hello!
I don’t think that’s the same thing for Ethan, I think he was just having a clumsy day.
Suger 
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