I read this article titled “what not to say to a childless woman” by Wendy Squires at www.theage.com.au today, and it became my best friend. Because it says so much that I’d love to say but worry that by saying, I might hurt the feelings of someone who meant well. I had no idea what infertility and childlessness {temporary? Who knows} felt like until it happened to me. I try to remind myself that for most people, it’s just something that happens to other people. They don’t know.
I never say them out loud.
I think them to myself, sometimes sharing them with someone who has been through the same things as us, like a private joke that you wish you’d never got the punchline to. Anyway, Wendy’s article, it’s a good one, and when I read it, this one line stuck with me. “…She couldn’t cope without ticking that box and believes I should feel the same.”. I thought, oh my goodness, that was me!
Before I had any idea that I would still be childless ten years into my relationship, over four years of trying to conceive, I just thought that’s what people did next. Finish school, tick. Get husband, tick. Get married, tick. Have babies, tick. I never really had the thought that I would make a great mother. Or a desire to mother anything of my own. I certainly never craved a baby until miscarriages and infertility made me confront the very real possibility that I may never have one.
Having a baby. It’s just what people do next.
You meet someone nice, and you get married, you have kids, you raise kids, you gleefully wave those kids off some distant date in the future, then get back to the business of being married and maybe do something entertaining with your retirement. Life. I had it figured out. Even then, Hubby and I planned to wait a year or two into our marriage before trying to conceive. Get some money behind us, enjoy each other and our relationship, travel some more—that sort of thing.
Never did I imagine that I’d have to think about it more than that. But it occurs to me now that for us to have children, it will require dedicated effort, treatments and much time, money and effort. We are genuinely going to have to consider when, through what methods, how many and why. All of which is about as far as you can get from just ticking a box, doing what comes next in life, SO far from where I was ten years ago.
So I’m curious, did you plan your kids? Or were they what was next? Maybe they were a surprise? Don’t answer if you don’t want to. I’m not trying to be rude; it’s just one of those questions that I couldn’t get out of my head.
Hi! I’m Melissa Walker Horn. Around here, they call me Suger. I’m the Chief Blogger and doer of all the things here at Suger Coat It. Blogging since 1901; I love a casual ootd, taking photos, and writing about things that irk or inspire me. I love wine and cheese, long days at the beach and spending time with my family. I make stuff for the internet over at Chalkboard Digital. You know, living the sweet life.
I am only 21, but this topic kind of hits home with me.
I’m have PCOS, I won’t go into to much detail about how I realized I had it, but my aunt has early overian failure. we both also have a condition called BPES, which isn’t directly related to ovaries however it is linked to ovarian failure. My aunt didn’t know this until I told her, she thought she ‘did something wrong’ when she was younger.
So PCOS and a high chance of early ovarian failure? Double whammy.
When I found out I had PCOS, I was devastated! My ultimate life long goal was to have a house, get married and have kids, be a mum just like my mum, except have a house and a career etc.. I was 19 and the doctor said “So.. If you want to have kids, you might want to start now”.
I’m the only one out of all of my friends that doesn’t have kids.. My mum was a single parent who didn’t work (she tried, but earned less after paying for childcare, she is now studying, so please noone judge her for being a stay at home mum, I’m so glad she was, we have a really great relationship that I notice many of my friends don’t have with their mums).
Anyway, my mum always told me that she didn’t want me to be like her, she wanted me to have an education and suggested I have a house and get married before I have kids. It sounded smart at the time, but sometimes I wish I was irresponsible and did fall pregnant. If I did fall pregnant now, I would keep it. However I’m on birth control, while my partner and I have been together 5 years, we’re not ready to have kids, he’s only just finished uni and I’m just starting! (Same age, I worked for 3 years, though). It wouldn’t be fair to bring a child into this world purely because I can’t have one when I’d be ready.
I’ve since found the Paleo diet, which many woman have successfully been able to conceive children after starting this diet. It’s really hard to stay on track, but I want to at lest try to better my odds at being able to conceive when I am older. Although in my head I really think it’s not possible.
I get really upset when I see very young kids having kids (13 is still a child to me!), who then just dump their babies on their parents to look after while they party all night. Sometimes I think it’s really unfair how someone like me can’t have babies, but a teenager who doesn’t appreciate life can have one.
It’s certainly hard to watch others with children who don’t appreciate them, trust me, that’s not a trait just held by the young. Not by a long shot.
Loud and clear lady, I was just saying to someone the other day, I thought I had a plan, that I knew how my life would go. But life had other ideas. That’s the way it rolls.
Wishing you all the very best. I know it’s hard to hold out hope but trust me you just don’t know. You haven’t tried yet, I hope it’s surprisingly easy for you when it comes time. xo
What a topic!!!! Just finished paying off our 5th try at IVF :-(( I am now 40 & would never have thought I would be 40 trying to have my 1st Child!!!!
I was Married when I was 30 – that lasted 18 months. I was pregnant but miscarried early.
I Married again when I was 36 & we started trying straight away.
After various tests done on both of us it was suggested we do IVF. They couldn’t really find anything wrong with me but IVF should work. After 2 full cycles with that Doctor I was questioning why I couldn’t hold an embryo past 14 days.
I looked further into what I could do to help myself. I found a IVF Doctor who run many tests. The critical one was to test me for “Natural Killer Cells” – finally I had an answer. A fresh round of IVF PLUS a mega dose of extra injections, tablets & an IVF drip for 2 hours. I could not have Dexamethasone – that is the key in putting these killer cells at bay until the baby can grow.
Anyway not pregnant :-((
Next step in this complicated journey is a Specialist opinion on my allergy to Dexamethasone.
I am not doing another cycle of IVF until I can take a dose of Dex.
This has to work so I can have my dream come true & have the baby we both want.
Hope you achieve what you are after.
Thanks <3
Melissa
What a topic indeed. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’ll keep my fingers firmly crossed for you. xo
I’m 32 and still childless. We use the excuse that the boyfriend and I aren’t married yet. We talk about it and joke that maybe we’re just not meant to have kids. We haven’t seen doctors or anything, although I do have PCOS and that might be a factor. But we do want to have kids. And we’re also afraid that maybe we won’t.
It’s a hard path, you’re lucky you can do it somewhat privately {though that can make it harder too, I know}. When we first started trying we did so privately and it wasn’t until our first miscarriage that those around us realised what we were up to. We were thrust out of the closet. All the very best to you my friend.
Bluey was not at all planned. I feel that that’s obvious. Greenie was, not that I wanted to have another child at 22, but because I knew that I wanted to have at least two kids so they had a sibling to grow up with, and that was the catcher to grow up with. So I wanted them to be close in age.
I always wanted to have a big family from a young age, but my ex didn’t want children, call it age or whatever because we were teenagers, and so slowly in my time with him I changed to accept that if I wanted to be with him then kids were not a part of my future, and eventually, I didin’t want kids.
Or maybe I still did? I mean I did work with kids, and I really didn’t bat an eyelash over adjusting to making this motherhood thing my whole world.
I do agree though, that people crave things because there is some notion that it’s what you are meant to do. It is how I feel about a job. I will work to live, to make ends meet, to be able to do special things that we wouldn’t otherwise have the money for, but I won’t ever live to work. There are so many possibilities for careers. People see me doing crazy big stuff on that front, but I just don’t crave it. I am happy to stock shelves at the local supermarket if it gives me more time with my kids.
Thanks for weighing in Pink. And sharing your story. I think we grow and change our minds on stuff. Sometime life influences us, sometimes the people around us. I think we end up where we are supposed to be in the end. I really believe that actually.
I would love to answer this question… but going through some issues myself with pregnancy stuff right now and I don’t think I’m in the right frame of mind. I understand to some degree though. Even though I’m young, my mother didn’t have my brother and I til she was 36. But anyway… I hope everything works out for you x
Sorry to hear of your problems Sarah. All the very best to you. xo
I had my two children late (40 and 42). Not the way I would have planned but my first marriage was a nightmare. My darling partner and I expected to have trouble as I was old and 126kg but we conceived very quickly, no help needed. I’m not commenting to rub my easy conceptions in but rather to point out that you still have time and your body will work for a few more years yet. I also believe I would have has a happy full life if kids haven’t happened.
Everybody’s lives are different.
Good luck.
Thank you for that, I get where you’re coming from. Appreciate the luck lady. xo
I don’t have them. Yet. Didn’t want them until I was about 25 then something changed my opinion – thought they might not be too bad. Now I’m 1 year into marriage and hubby still doesn’t want to start – that’s ok, as I’m happy with life right now, but I’m starting to worry about decreasing fertility due to my age.
And then there’s the fear that if we do try, we can’t…
God it’s such a hairy issue!
It really is. Thank you for adding your thoughts to the others here. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you when you flick that switch. 🙂
Absolutely not. People are free to comment or not as they please.
Not really. They kind of showed up. My ex and I got married and the plan (at least mine was) not to have kids for at least three years. A year after we got married my daughter came into the world and 18 months later my son. Even though both of them were not planned, I am happy with them. It did cause a major strain in our marriage as we were not ready in a financial sense and the issues around kids was one of the reasons we got divorced (Her stepdad was against me finishing off my teaching degree as i was in the middle of it when we had the kids, while her brother had a kid right out of high school and her mother and stepdad basically has raised that kid). That is all in the past and I am happy that they have been a part of my life.
I’m glad you weighed in Patrick. I know for my husband he would’ve been happy to start trying for children YEARS before I was. Really, he didn’t get too much of a say in the end. I’m not sure that’s fair at all, but it is the way it worked out. Thank you for sharing.
We tried for a year before I got pregnant, which felt like a life time at the time, but being only 22 at the time I never had the pressure from society to have a kid. I couldn’t imagine that added pressure, every pregnancy test is like a slap in the face let alone know it all mums telling you to procreate too. In fact it’s none of any ones business. I guess I had the other end of it having Oliver younger, people think it’s their place to pry because I’m not the ‘right age’ to be a mum. I thought that was the worst, but then it was everything I wanted it was just the explanations and the judgement I despised, but my life and my child were (are) pretty close to perfect. I guess I never thought about it being th other way around, but it would actually be the worst. Good luck with it all Sugar.
For me the first 12 months were the hardest, after a while there’s a numbness that descends only ever as sharp as those early days on occasion. For me anyway. The extra pressure and conversation is so unwelcomed. No matter your age. Thanks for sharing lovely.
This is interesting for me to read through – thanks for starting it. Yeah, the kids were planned. We got pregnant with number 1 within 3 months. No worries. Then we tried for number 2. And we had a miscarriage. And it broke me. So I quickly got pregnant with number 3. I wasn’t over number 2. I hadn’t grieved And we ended up splitting up. With 2 young kids, on my own. I remarried, and he had 3 kids. Suddenly I had 5 kids. And I wasn’t happy. Life has a funny way of working out.
You’re welcome. Attempting to fulfil my own curiosity. It has been such an insight into the woman here. Thank you for adding your experience to the mix. Suddenly 5 children! Wow. I’m assuming a typo {was not wasn’t} and it makes me smile.
Our first was not planned at all – I was on the Pill and we were only 6 weeks into our relationship! On paper that reads like most women’s nightmare but, somehow, for us it pretty cemented us as a couple. When I say that, I don’t mean it forced us to stay together out of obligation, more it confirmed how crazy in love we were, and still are. Four years later, we are married and have had our second child, a daughter who was planned ( in as much as you can plan. Went off the pill and started trying, fell pregnant within the month ). We have discussed having a third, and have talked about what kind of timeframe would be work for us and our current children. I sometimes feel terrible answering questions like this because, thus far, falling and staying pregnant has come so easy to me. But, like Wendy says in her article, children are a gift and I feel incredibly humbled that I have been ‘gifted’ at all….
I know what you mean about cemented. 6 weeks into our relationship I decided I would move 7 hours away. I told Hubby that I would love to have him with me but totally understood if he was planning to stay. He decided to come and we were engaged that same night. Cemented, absolutely. Thank you for answering Amy. I’m glad you did.
Both our munchkins were/are very planned. Particularly this second one, I had to do a lot of soul searching to ask if the 5 kid family I thought I wanted before I got married was really what I wanted now. Did I want any more kids at all (no), how much did I not want this compared to Luke (not as much), are my hormones f*<~ked and messing with me (yes), etc etc.
So here we are with number two, and I've never thought about anything so much in my life (except when I was wondering what was wrong with Lior when he was new).
I hadn’t heard! Congratulations. Thanks for sharing with us. xo
I got married very young (Christian family & community where it was the done thing) & was pregnant a few months later. Not really a surprise but too young to have a clue so I don’t feel entirely comfortable saying “planned” either. My pregnancy was traumatic & could have been the end of me without the medical treatment I eventually got (drs didn’t take me very seriously) & birth was also fraught but anyway, I have a beautiful daughter approaching 10. She’s gorgeous but she hardly slept for her first 5 years, had numerous health issues + her dad (my now ex) was abusive so there was the emotional trauma & healing to juggle as well, especially after I left him. I’m now happily unmarried to a lovely guy & we both don’t want to make more people. You don’t just have a baby you have a person & even waving them off into their adulthood won’t ensure you never have sleepless nights worrying about them. We occasionally worry we might regret it but by keeping our family small we have time to be awesome aunty & über uncle (both biological & honorary) & there is a whole generation of young kids desperate for more than just mum & dad to love them which feels like the right fit for me.
Thank you for sharing your story. We endeavour to offer our love and best to those around us who need it. It’s our way of staying in touch, of being a part of something.
God bless Wendy squires! My 30th birthday last year lead to a barrage of “better get on with it” responses…
Little does anyone know 2013 was supposed to be the year of marriage and TTC – until I very suddenly be and single.
But now people still ask. All the time. I replied just two days ago to someone who asked me if I was planning on changing career (I LOVE my job) so I could leave shift work and become a single mum. When I replied and said I didn’t want to be a single mum so no, the response was, “we’ll there is never a good time to have a baby – I would have died if I couldn’t have had children – life wouldn’t be worth living”
Wow t
Wouldn’t be worth living? Like Ron Weasley says, ‘that girl needs to sort out her priorities…’. WOW indeed. Michelle, you have no idea what’s in store for you. People be crazy. 😉
I have 3 girls. In my social circle I started early (27) and no one I knew had children.
My husband and I had been together for a long time, and we had always had children on the cards, but like you said, because that’s what you do next, but it was also something that felt right for us.
I was in the Navy, and away for a fair while and the desire to have a baby just grew and grew. I bought a baby dress (which later became a baptism dress) and my husband bought me baby are and pregnancy books and sent them to me. So no surprises that not long after I came home I became pregnant.
Having more than one? That was just a feeling that became stronger and stronger that we wanted a big family- the idea of children and partners and grandchildren around us is very appealing.
Thank you for telling us your story. Yes, I idea of family around, grandchildren, IS very appealing.
We started our journey in 1998.
I have been exactly where you are now…so many times after failed cycles & other dramas and I tell you now the hurt is always there, sometimes hidden but like a little nagging feeling in the back. Seeing a newborn baby…a pregnant woman… Being told by people that “oh you poor thing I got pregnant just by looking at my husband” made you think that you were even less of a woman,
But you know what it doesn’t make you less of a woman…in fact it makes you more powerful & stronger then most women you will meet. What a challenge we face & it doesn’t break us!
After 12 years of IVF…too many cycles to remember…turning 40 and with only a 10% chance our final 2 frozen embryo’s took & our gorgeous twins are now 18 months old.
I’m not going to say oh it will work out…look at me…. I’m going to say… Stay strong & love your life for what it is every day. Try not to let the hurt overwhelm you daily it’s not easy but be strong. Sending you love
Thank you for your post, I’m so glad to hear of your twins, how exciting! I’m so glad you shared your story.
I just *don’t know*. Until December, I just assumed I was supposed to have kids. Actively deciding we’re not going to (for ever? not sure)? CHANGED MY LIFE. So many things I was holding back and using kids as an excuse.
I have never felt clucky for more than 5 minutes. I come from a line of screwed parenting and I’m not keen on continuing that line of family history. Even though I *know* (so so much) that it’d be different with me/us.
I don’t want to be the person having kids because I don’t want to be regretting it later. But I don’t want to be regretting it later. Assuming it’s even possible for us to have kids. Maybe it’s not?
I think you should 100% live the life you have now. None of this holding back waiting for something whatever that might be. Thank you for sharing this Rah.
You know my story. I want to add more but this weekend has been a dark one, with lots of tears & well yeah, always is in the lead up & I just can’t tackle this topic now. I love you and you know my wish is for you to be holding a baby of your own in your arms xxx
I’m sorry you’ve had such a horror of a weekend. Take care and thank you. xo
I have always imagined myself with children. I was married to a bloke who was gagging for them. Except our relationship was struggling and had not been right for some time. In the end I left, aged 32. I had been with him since age 19.
He very quickly got together with one of his friends and now they are just about to have a bub.
After about 14months of singlehood, I met somebody amazing. He is a bit older than me. When I met him, I told him that if he didn’t want children he needed to tell me… I had dated men who didn’t want (more) kids and I had been burned…
I really want to have a bub with him. He never thought he would have one as his previous partners haven’t wanted them. He is scared but excited. So am I- I hope things go ok with my fertility. We would like to move in and see how things go- I hope that my lady parts are functioning.
Part of the reason it was hard to make the decision to leave my ex was because I was scared I wouldn’t meet somebody else and nothave kids. But continuing on with a relationship out of fear alone is not right, for me.
Lots of things factor- relationships, fertility and health. Some would’ve stayed to have a baby- I had been told to by female relatives. But I couldn’t.
I have a friend who is 39 and single- recently having exited a relationship that was wrong. She has told me she will use some eggs she froze if she doesn’t meet somebody soon. In which case I will be super aunty Cilla.
Anyway that was a bit of a ramble… Love and luck to all the girls here xxx
Cilla
Thank you for sharing Cilla. People always tell me that things work out in the end, I still believe that. Thank you for your love and luck. I’m sure we will ALL take it. 🙂
Im there with you Suger…hubby and I have been together 8 years married nearly 6. I knew from an early age that falling pregnant would be difficult with PCOS, but has been compounded with low motility and morphology rates. I always wanted babies, I was the mother hen and am still the god mum, the one who is the surrogate aunty etc. But after 7 years of trying we are slowly getting to the point that we are happy and content with just us. We can do the medical intervention stuff, and maybe one day we will, but for now Im happy putting my mother hen tendencies into looking after friends and family.
We do a lot of the same. Take out our love and affection on our nieces and nephews. Lucky we have millions. Haha. Good luck to you Kitty. All the very best.
It took 6 years for number one, 19 failed and cancelled cycles including losing twins before we gave up on number 2… we planned, oh how we planned and spent far too much really. We could have bought a house, instead we lined the pockets of doctors and specialists. It breaks my heart that anyone has to struggle with something that as women we are led to believe is our birthright, having babies is just something we take for granted which makes it so much rougher when you have to take the hard road. People are idiots, generally well meaning idiots but still idiots, I think it comes from a good place, they hear something shitty and try to say something to make it less big and ugly but you can’t dress up the pain and it just cones across as condescending and wrong. I really hope your journey is much smoother than ours and ends with as much joy as we have xx
Thank you for this. For sharing and for the wishes. Beautiful.
I had no trouble falling pregnant, just staying pregnant. I ended up having three miscarriages, but I did have two successful pregnancies. We have now waved those two children off and are enjoying travel time. Currently just around the corner from you in Hervey Bay. Thoughts, prayers and positive vibes being sent your way to help you in your decision making and baby making travels. Much love. Jane
I’m having a similar problem myself. None have stuck yet though. Enjoy Hervey Bay! Amazing place. Thank you for the wishes.
I read the Wendy Squires article this morning. A childless friend of mine shared it on Facebook. It resonated with me as I’ve had a brief dance with infertility and my eldest is an IVF baby. I would never comment on anyone’s childlessness. I will say that while I love and appreciate my girls, a person can have a rich and fulfilling life without kids.
As for you Melissa,if family is what you want, time and technology are on your side.
I often am asked about my childlessness, especially since my 30th birthday. I used to play it down but found that people would push and push about why I simply MUST have children. Now I just tell them it turns out we’re fertility challenged and that they should keep their fingers crossed {and quietly, mouth shut}. It seems to finish the conversation once and for all.
Thank you, thank goodness for time and technology.
Firstly hugs and love my beautiful friend.
We planned, which meant yes we wanted kids and we wanted to wait until we were ready. We’ve been together 18years this month and I was ready many years before hubby. I felt I had years of desperate waiting for him to be ready. But eventually one day he was so we made a plan to have “one” child only and fell pregnant after a few months. I know you know the story, but that pregnancy turned our life around upside down, and changed us and who I am forever. We fell pregnant with our twin girls who we lost traumatically late in the pregnancy. Planned again, had our son who is now four, planned again (amidst grief) had another two losses, got diagnosed with PTSD, planned again had our daughter who is now two. I’m pregnant now we are 25 weeks, at what is deemed viable if baby came but is highly risky. I just don’t take any of it for granted, I’ve walked away from hospital before and not taken my babies home. You can’t plan for that and I don’t take it for granted that I have been able to have children, because life can change in an instant.
So yes to answer your question in my round about extended way, yes we planned. But we didn’t plan for what has happened along the way. Which has completely changed me forever. I agree with Jodie even with planning you need to know your limits and boundaries, so, so, so, so, so true.
My love and hugs are always with you my sweet, whispering sweet hopes for your dreams to fulfilled. X
I know you can never really plan for what life hands you. I know that, a hard fought lesson that I’ve tried to prove wrong my entire life until now. Thank you for sharing your story with us Trudie and for the wishes. xo
I could have written your post word for word. My DH and I have been together for nearly 10 years and nearly married for 5. We started TTC nearly straight away after our wedding because that’s what you do isn’t it; that’s the next progression. We are still childless. It has been a very up and down process. I have had 9 miscarriages in that time and spent the last 2 years having different fertility treatment. It sucks! Big time. It affects your relationships: with your partner, with your family, with your friends. You see everyone moving on to the life that you want and thought would come so easily but hasn’t happened … yet. I think one of the hardest parts has been dealing with the stupid things that people say. Infertility is such a taboo topic that people don’t talk about it and when they do, they don’t know what to say or how to say it. You are usually ignored or get those lovely sympathy looks. One of my favourite comments has been, “oh it is so expensive to have a new baby.” Ha! How about I show you my fertility specialist bills and have nothing to show for it and then we can talk about expensive! Fingers crossed for you suger! It is not a fun road to travel but stay strong! x
Haha. YES! Kids are expensive, try having to attempt to buy one {too literal? probably}. I’m sorry to hear your story, it shoots a little pain in my heart. I’m sure the same thing happens to you. All my love. It’s shit, short version.
I’d wanted children for as long as I can remember. My husband would ask, but why? I could only explain it as a need, a craving. I felt unfulfilled without them. I meet my ( now ex) husband late in life and I had even considered being being a single mum, just to have my baby. I was a primal need for me. I had been told conception would be difficult as I have PCOS but the universe smiled on me and I have two beautiful children but I was prepared for a fight. I can’t imagine your struggle Sugar. Sending you only positive thoughts. My mum used to say when I was worried. Think beautiful thoughts and beautiful things will happen.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I appreciate the thoughts. 🙂
Oh Melissa, your situation reminds me very much of my best friends’. Her and her Husband were childless and while I ticked that box she waited patiently for her own chance to tick her box. It never happened and now they are too old for fertility treatment. My first two children came along after what seemed to be the perfect marriage. I truely believe now that despite adoring and loving those little girls more than anything I just wasn’t ready. I was in a relationship that was bad for me and I didn’t flourish. Now I am ready and have been gifted my little boy and I find myself trying to make up for the years I feel I failed being down and depressed. I pray that one day you get the gift of a child because clearly it isn’t because you want to tick a box. You are so very ready 🙂 xx
Thank you for sharing Gayel and for the wishes, both are much appreciated. My love to your friend.
I was told when I was 26 that I would be ‘unlikely’ to ever conceive due to having dodgy ovaries. I don’t remember being too devastated at the time because I wasn’t that interested in having children at the point in my life, but I do remember feeling p’d off that the choice was taken away from me. It wasn’t until I was heading into my mid-thirties & settled with my partner that I realised it really was something I wanted. We had a two year struggle, miscarriages & doubts, then sought out lots of ‘second’ opinions. Finally found a GP / Natropath who put me on the right track through diet & exercise & not long after it all fell into place & our first child came along with I was 37 & then number two just after I turned 40. It’s important to never say never, but know your limits & boundaries for it is a bumpy ride! Happiness comes in so many different ways & being open to changing ideals & expectations is so important to ensure we stay whole even when we feel like there are gaps.
Thank you for sharing Jodie, I love the final line, I think it’s SO important to be able to continue to be open to changes in our lives.
We decided to but yep, definitely an element of “what was next” for us to it as well….we got to the age where we knew we would have to make a choice about whether now was the time to try or not and decided yes, we would try. I SO wish I could grant “easy” fertility with a magic wand as it seems to me that those who fight so hard to have children will be by far the most excellent parents. x
Thanks for answering my question Cat.
Damn there not being a wand thing. 😉
We were very lucky to fall pregnant easily with all 3. We lost the baby in the middle very early in the pregnancy. It was important to me to have kids and I’m very aware of how lucky we were. But I’m aware of the other side too! I’m an adopted child and my parents were unable to have kids but desperately wanted them. I’m one of 3 but we were very loved and wanted. I really empathise with people who have trouble conceiving. I don’t tend to ask questions unless they volunteer that theyve had problems.
But I’ve also had a few friends who have chosen not to have children. I respect their right to do that!
Ali
Ali thank you for sharing this. I imagine the insight you’ve gained through your parents is the gift of understanding what this is all about without the actual pain of experience. A special position indeed. I’m sorry to hear of your loss.
My daughter was an unexpected delight. I was 21 when she was conceived and 22 when she was born and in a BRAND NEW relationship. I was scared out of my mind for a day or so but then made the decision to see the pregnancy through. And the best thing that ever happened to me came along 37 & 1/2 weeks later. The man I’m about to marry isn’t the biological father but he loves her as his own. So my girl has 2 men willing to fight to the death for her. My fiancée and I have discussed having a child together but have decided we are happy with the status quo for now. This could change and if we fall pregnant then it is meant to be and the child will be raised with love and everything they need. We have also discussed me donating eggs. We are blessed with our child, if I can help others achieve this then what a wonderous gift would that be?
Thank you for sharing this, your daughter sounds like a lucky girl indeed. And donating eggs, I think it’s a gift the size of which could never fully be repaid.
I’ll answer. I kind of always knew that I was going to be a mum eventually, but I never yearned for a child. Mind you, I ended up pregnant by “surprise” at 17, so I didn’t have time to yearn. I didn’t have time to decide what I wanted, because it happened, and (for me) I didn’t have a choice. I became a mum in my 18th year. Then I knew. I knew that this is what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be a mum, to be a family. I got married at 20, and 8 months later, along came our second child. Now, four years later I’ve experienced many miscarriages, much heartache and still no third child. I know this is not the same as what you are experiencing, and I would never think to compare them, but now I know what it is like to yearn. I love my children, and I am fine with having only them, but I also have a feeling that I’m not done, that our family should be bigger, and I also have a feeling that it’s just not going to happen that way.
I hope you get your wish soon, Suger.
Haha. No time for yearning indeed lady! I’m sorry to hear of your struggles for baby #3. Sending you all the best. Thank you Krystel, me too.
Oh Suger! its a tough road that I know well. I planned all my life to have kids met my husband at 35 and started trying. Cue $40K worth of fertility treatment and a couple of miscarriages then was told to find a donor egg. Did some kinesiology and wham pregnant naturally at 40. My little miracle is now 3.5. Keep believing, I truly think that was the main thing that got me there in the end, I refused to believe I wouldn’t be a mum despite both my husband and I having fertility issues.
xxx
Thank you. Glad to hear your miracle came along.
Very much planned for us. When people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would always answer ‘mother’. Though in saying that, I think deep down I just knew I wanted to care for people in general. We are fairly traditional people though so we did the courting, dating, engagement, marriage, kids thing. Very boring.
I think when you know you know, I like how you said about caring for people. Like perhaps, if life hadn’t worked out as you’d planned it you could have been a nurse or teacher or something.
We don’t have kids. I’ve never really been interested in having them & I figure if you’re going to have them, you should want them! Who knows if we’ll change our minds. The few discussions we’ve had on this, we sorta think if we do change our minds, we’d rather adopt. But I’ve also worked in that area & know how nearly impossible adoption could be. Many decisions…
Yes! I feel the same way, if you have them, you should want them. Thanks for answering my question. 🙂