I had been saying it’s been a loooooong month. But that long month has actually been a long 6 months. I have not stopped for a decent weekend at home with sleep, good home cooked food and laid off the booze in forever. So this weekend I did. I did it because my mind was rattling with the dangerous sounds of a worn down, overused tractor. It clanked and clanged. It was deafening. I had started to make bad choices. Get emotional. Sad.
Soooooo. Very. Tired.
I was underwhelmed with my progress in life. Shouldn’t we be somewhere, be doing something by now? A bigger life, a better one, the voice in my mind shouted. Not that I agreed but I felt the pressure of all there was to do start to build up around me. Why work like I do, do what I do and be here with nothing much to show for it. I have nothing. I am nothing. It lies but I could barely tell any more. It’s the underwhelmed overwhelm and it hit me hard.
So. I took the weekend off everything. I snuggled my Hubby, cooked and relaxed. I prepared for this week to make it easier to head into ready and raring to go. I thought and watched movies without being on my phone. I even took Hubby to the cinema to eat popcorn for dinner. I went to bed early. And as usual it worked. I’m ready now. I feel like there’s a joke about taking my own advice in there but I’ll let it slide.
Looking around over the past few weeks I’ve seen a lot of people struggling. Personally I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders sometimes and it’s easy enough to spot it in another. I ached for all the pain and turmoil in the world. This time, for me, it was so fleeting. A by-product of an overrun body. And wish it could all be cured by a weekend at home, food and love for everyone. Maybe it could be. Not to be flippant, but don’t you ever wish it was all just that easy?
My friend is struggling right now. I do what I can but I’m sort of paralysed too. I fear for her. I fear for me watching another one I love go by the wayside. the fear of acting is common apparently. The reality of life too confronting sometimes. But she is supported and loved and safe for now. I act where I can and hope it makes a difference. But in my heart I know that sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it doesn’t make any difference at all. Sometimes you are in too deep and nothing can drag you back out.
Sometimes you lose everything. Every. Thing.
So hope with me Sugers. Hope for her and for everyone else. Hope that I can do what I can to help when and if I’m needed. Man I wish there was a way to keep people safe. That it wasn’t so hard. That numb wasn’t the only option sometimes. Hope with me Sugers, it’s been one heck of a year so far. I guess some people, they’d even ask you to pray. Do that if it’s your thing. I’ll take whatever you’ve got.