I know a lot of people don’t like these sort of posts, see them as attention-seeking or comment grabbing or whatever. But I don’t write this blog for them. I write it for me. Not to sound all up yours about it, but I do. I write for me. And today, this weekend, in fact, I need to get rid of the swarming of voices in my mind. I need to purge myself of it in the only way I know how to. I confess it here.

Watch out, don’t let it land on you.

You see there’s nothing like being sick with a side order of pain to make me want to turn inward and hold my Hubby close. Really close. Like snaked around his legs close. Nothing else matters. Small dramas out there. Large scale events of the world can wait until tomorrow to break my heart. I stop answering calls, I sleep and spend hours staring quietly and thinking.

Mostly I want reassurance that he loves me when I’m not confident and in control. When I’m sick, snotty and quite mean. I ask him. He obliges by telling me. Do you love me? Love me lots? Sick of me yet? Yes, yes, no he says time and time again. Patience never waiving. It’s a test. Add what can only be called insecurity about life in general at the moment and I’m a needy, freaked out person. You simply must love and appreciate me or I’ll lose my shit. Which, let’s face it, is so endearing. Said no one ever.

I battle this person and at the same time throw up my hands and let her run the show. She’ll be gone soon. Replaced with the well version of myself who is capable of anything. Is proud of that. She appreciates love but doesn’t beg for it. She is the one who looks after other people. Who doesn’t really ask for much? Strong, determined, committed, loyal. I’m sure there must be a level middle ground there, but try telling either me that. Both are quite vicious when you get down to it.

The good news is, I’ve got my 30 before 30 {2} item for tomorrow. Health. Because clearly if I wasn’t this healthy, I might have more to actually complain about and so, wouldn’t. Silver lining people, silver lining. I look forward to being well again. Celebrating that I’m about the lowest level of sick there is and getting some perspective to my whining.

It’ll come.

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