Someone said to me recently that they preferred the online Suger. It cut me to the bone in a moment of weakness that enables the sharpest words said in anger and disappointment to seep through. I don’t blame them for saying it. The way I was behaving was gross. Maybe the shiny online version of me is too much to live up to. The best of ourselves sometimes is. That was never my intention. I aim to be real here.
The truth about me is that I’m ridiculously, irreparably, unavoidably flawed. I am a maker of big mistakes, taker of risk and sometimes a person of questionable morals. I can be the worst. The very worst. Hurtful and harmful and it’s not all that I am. But it’s there. It’s the ugliest of things and to be honest sometimes I wish those parts of me would go away. Far, far away.
But they don’t. Not all of them. Not forever.
The good news is that I am loved by people who know all about me. Alllll about me. People who shake their head, need to walk away from me for a moment and who kneel down and pick up the pieces gently and generously when they see that I broke it. I am allowed the space to make mistakes and they are there to remind me that the shiny, best version of me is real too. She’s just not here all the time. How could she be? Each of us are unique in our imperfection, it makes us real. Everyone has their thing.
Do I worry about being a disappointment? Yes. Of course. Have I lied, cheated, manipulated and done stupid things? Yes. Always awkwardly with the analytical side of my brain fighting hard against it. So I try harder. But I refuse to hide in the corner counting my indiscretions and flaws. The work I do here, the community I am in charge of, demands more of me. So I stand back up. Try again.
If I’ve learnt something from all of this it’s that we are all flawed. A little bit broken and foolhardy and that I should own that. Deal with the consequences, stand up and try again. So should you. And this, well this is an apology to that person. I’m sorry I let you down. That I disappointed you. I should never have done what I did and put you in the situation you were in. That was a mistake. A big, fat mistake.
I’m not perfect. And mostly I’m sorry if because of this blog you’re surprised.
Hi! I’m Melissa Walker Horn. Around here, they call me Suger. I’m the Chief Blogger and doer of all the things here at Suger Coat It. Blogging since 1901; I love a casual ootd, taking photos, and writing about things that irk or inspire me. I love wine and cheese, long days at the beach and spending time with my family. I make stuff for the internet over at Chalkboard Digital. You know, living the sweet life.
There’s something in the air – I’ve written on similar lines lately. Ah our humanity is testing isn’t it??
Well said – this post shows that while you’re a flawed woman, you are a woman of conviction and honesty, with a humble heart.
Show yourself kindness as you make amends xx
Ahh yes it is. Ahh the humanity! Thank you Annette. I appreciate that. x
Everyone is multifaceted and its simply not possible to show all facets of yourself in one go. Writing a piece like this on your blog and wanting to reiterate that you’re not perfect is humble and real and inspiring. The fact that you reacted this way shows that you’re not a fake or a phoney, you’re a beautiful brave flawed person doing your best to be upfront and real, even on the bad days. I’ve been following you in Instagram for a while now and I pop into your blog every now and then. I popped in today because I have a job interview and I was looking to you for some outfit inspiration and this blog heading caught my eye. I’m glad I clicked on it because I got a different kind of inspiration to the kind I was looking for. Thank you for your honesty x
Thank you Mahina. I’m glad. I was feeling pretty crappy when I wrote this but in the writing of it I found my voice and overcome the other that says I need to be perfect to say anything at all. Don’t get too brave, too successful or too loud just in case your secrets are revealed. There’s nothing like a personal unveiling to empower you past something like that. Good luck today! Thanks for taking the time to comment. x
That’s the joy of online presences. They are usually the best shiny version of you. You however bare your soul on your page and I’m surprised that anyone who said this to you doesn’t realise that you, like the rest of us have your own problems and can have good and bad days. I enjoy reading your posts and have met you in person and find you to be a great caring person online and offline, even after a few meetings I already consider you a friend! 🙂
Thank you Emma. I consider you a friend too lovely. That’s much appreciated. No matter what I think it’s always going to be a filtered version, I try hard to be as genuine in my posts as I am in real life but it is what it is. It’s a reflection. That is, like you said, indeed the joy.
It’s sad when people don’t realise that blogs are an outfit. Specifically chosen and perfectly styled. They’re not any less you, but they’re a controlled version of you. A front. The you that you have chosen to put out.
Everyone has ugly sides, and everyone has bad days or ignorant moments. Don’t be any less proud of who you are because that blog you, she is you just as much as that part of you who was judged.
Thanks Miss Pink. “An outfit” is a perfect way of saying it. Nice one.
Flaws Ha I’d be fuming and it sounds like something Sam would say to me…..still we can’t turn it on and be that person who smiles for the camera or writes those upbeat glimpses into life 24 hours a day. I hope you know that we love YOU Suger coated or not lol xxx
It’s exactly like something Sam would say actually, now that you mention it. Haha. Cheeky bugger. Thank you Lisa. Big love to you and the fam. x
You’re human, Suger. And humans are flawed. It takes a big person to recognise those flaws, even more so to point their own flaws out to the rest of the world. We keep coming back to your blog because you share these very real parts of yourself with us, and remind us that we’re not alone in our human-ness.
Much love xo
Thank you Meagan. Very much. That is why I wrote this. After stewing on it for far too long. To remind me, and maybe someone else there who stuffed up, that we’re human, let’s try again tomorrow. x
I love that you wrote this (obviously not that you’re hurt and that you hurt someone else) because it’s what all of us are like. It seems to be the time for contemplation, honesty and reality in my blog feed at the moment – so many of the blogs I’ve read today are about who the blogger really is as a person, not just their online persona. It’s why I stick with those bloggers and keep reading because I know I’m not alone in my flaws – and when they’re able to face the less than positive aspects of who they are, it makes me feel a bit braver when trying to do the same. Props to you.
Thank you Naomi. If I said nothing it was a big, blockage of ick undisclosed and festering and blocking everything else great I have to do and say around here. You can’t run from your shadow or something along those lines. Best to turn and face it, spill your guts and all that. Clear the air.
Sometimes it can be good to hear the hard truth and evaluate yourself. Well done for facing it with humility and a soft heart. Hope things repair with the person swiftly x
Thank you Sophie. Me too. x
I love and admire you and this post. We are all a little flawed in some shape or form. xx
Thank you lovely. x
Proud of you. It takes a big person to admit all this, particularly so publicly. In saying that, I think those words were a little harsh. Granted, I don’t know what you did or what the situation was. But honestly, everyone makes mistakes. As long as we learn from them and don’t repeat them, they’ve played their necessary part. I’m suspicious of anyone who is too good, too perfect. Because THAT is not real. I’m sure this person has made their own mistakes, hurt people in the process. I hope they can find some solace and understanding from this post and within themselves. I know the ‘real’ Suger and the online Suger and they are so close to the same thing. And I can tell you this. Your good FAR outweighs your bad. Life is all about balance and there is just so much good in you Suger. xo
Ditto and double ditto!!
Fist bump! 😉
Thank you both. I appreciate that more than you know.
And yes, I get that it was harsh, in fact it only occured to me writing this how much so. But it’s funny how something like that would never have bothered me had I not just had a glaring incident of jerk’ness myself. I don’t blame them for saying it. Ahh humanness.
Sometimes the hardest thing is to face our flaws and know we have them. Even braver to announce it publicly and say sorry. It doesn’t take away whatever it is you did, but we are all flawed, and make mistakes, and that’s ok too. If people want the best of you they sometimes have to take the worst of you too.
Thank you. I think that gives me the little bit of pep I needed back in my step. You’re right, of course, it never does take away from what you did, no matter how genuine or generous the apology.
Gosh I love you. This is a little reflective to me of our last catch up and coffee and all the big and little things we chatted about. I like all the shades and colours of Suger. I know in the moment a few things you said to me I was a little surprised but not blown away. I guess I was relieved and surprised to hear for myself, that I’m so much like you in many was and I like that there’s someone who gets that, because there are many who don’t and miss the mark. It’s through our faults, faulters and indisgressions that we learn more about ourselves then we do playing it straight without a fault. At the end of the day I think like anything it always comes down to how we handle ourselves after our devil moments that help define the bigger better us. Anyways I’m rambling and not sure I’m getting to the point I’m trying to make……but I know you’ll make something of what I’ve said somewhere between all these lines. Shine bright and big my love in all your glories. X
Thank you Trudie. I do too. The shades and colours are the depth, for sure. Hard to face at times, hard to deal with. I love this quote.
“Once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
This is me accepting my flaws. Facing them head on and finding a way to say you know what, me as whole, is still pretty darn great! Most days. 😉
A brave post cx
Thank you Carly.