How very Adele of me. Thirty-Four. Written just like that as if it will summarise all that this year has been and all the future could be. It’s my birthday, could you tell? Today I turn thirty-four years old and I have feelings about that. Not the usual feelings, I don’t think, but then I’ve never been 34 before.
You see, I don’t care about getting old.
I don’t care about ageing. I don’t care about wrinkles or creases, aches and pains. That disregard is a privilege over those whose health isn’t as easy to get along with as mine. But I don’t fear getting old, or being old, I would consider that a gift. That’s not it at all.
For me, the feelings I am having are around whether or not I’m where I want to be. A short time ago, I took stock of my life and made some decisions about what would and wouldn’t be here. Who what, when, and where did I WANT. What are the things that are going to make me happy and fulfilled and feel like I’m having a successful life? And I chose.
From the world of choices and decisions to be made, I chose. I made a choice and from there I have lived my life with that vision in mind. Sometimes it feels hard, I get challenged and pushed down. There are setbacks and even as I stare them resolutely in the face, they make me question my resolve. I’ve tried.
But, I don’t know if I’m there yet.
Maybe that’s the point. Perhaps not being there yet is the entire point. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it is that there is no need to force anything. The things that are meant for us show up when they’re ready. Simple as that. But that doesn’t stop me trying to force it. I can be the queen of forcing it.
Yet, here I am. 34 and wondering if this is it. If the life I have, that’s pretty great don’t get me wrong, is all there is for me. It’s a strange thing, and maybe in its own way it’s a mortality thing, but I want more. I want to leave my mark. Do extraordinary things. I want for there to be a reason that I lived. A big fat reason.
So, I’ll keep looking. I’ll keep trying. But I’m going to enjoy the ride and take every single day as it comes. After all, you only get one chance at this life we’re living. There’s no point waiting for some perfect day to start living your life. I hope you know that. It’s something that took me a while to learn, so I’d love to shortcut that for you if I can. Stop waiting. Live this life. Be excited. Get out there!