I asked for ideas last night. Ideas for things to write about and something to get me excited about writing it. I had scrapped a post and had nothing for today. I get a little itchy when things are left unfinished. Blank gaping holes that need to be filled. There were ideas about turtles, horses, community groups and secrets. Some I have filed away for next time. They’re just that good. Well down guys. But this time, well it turns out that there was a prompt, a question, that stuck with me from just before I went to bed to now. I had to answer it. I had to reply.

Bron said ” Tell me about how you feel in the skin you are in. Right now. Encourage me. What to do when you want to hide and don’t know what to do. That’s the inspiration I would like to read.”

How could I not, right? 

How do I feel in the skin I’m in? Content would be the best word for me to use. I feel content most of the time. Not always, it would ridiculous to say always. But mostly. Sometimes I run my hands over the supple muscle just below my skin, breathe in with strong lungs and complain good-naturedly about my crazy hair to remind myself. Remind myself that I didn’t always love myself. I didn’t always feel this confident in my body. That content would have been THE LAST word I would have chosen.

But I got here.

Over the years I put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes one step forward, and ten steps back. I know for myself that it took changing my idea of health to get here. It took challenging every idea I ever had about my body, other people’s bodies, what health looked like, what made life worth living and why I acted the way I do. It took ripping my guts out, basically.

But it was worth it. To be here. To be content.

During this process when I just wanted to hide, when my confidence eluded me {when it eludes me now} and life just weighs on me, I know it’s time. Time to hug those I love. Time to eat well, go outside more, exercise more in general. It’s time to clear the fog. When the darkness gets me, right down to my toes, I just hold on for dear life to those who love me. Remind me of them. Hold onto them. Beg for their reassurance of who I am and allow myself that vulnerability. For a short time. Only a short time because it doesn’t pay to linger there. In the dark.

At some point, you have to move on my friend. Move forward and keep exploring everything you are. Be proud of that person. Be kind to them. There is literally no one else you could be right now. Seriously. No one. Having made the choices you’ve made, seen the things you’ve seen and done the things you have done, you are the result. Not good, not bad, just what is so. There’s nobody you’er than you. I hope you find some peace in that. Peace to be who you are now and go to work on those things you want to change with love.

Trust Aunty Suger, THIS was a hard-fought lesson.

And as an aside. A postscript of sorts, for goodness sake people, give up on this nuts idea of perfect. No one is. What makes you think you’re so darn special to be THE ONE who manages to nail it? That will go an awful long way to having you be at home in the skin you’re in now. 

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