So let’s talk about me. About weight loss. About getting healthy verses getting thinner. About progress or the lack of. I’m no longer getting smaller. I’m not getting bigger. But I’m not getting smaller either. I’m working out like a mad woman. In the gym I have found something I love. Nothing makes me smile bigger than completing a work out at the gym where I have pushed myself, gritted my teeth and won. There’s nothing I love more than being a victor. Of anything. Over anyone. I like to win but mostly I like to be in the game.

So why if my health just keeps getting better do I feel disappointed. I feel like I should be thinner by now. I wonder about the considering that happens to us when my primary goal is not really to be healthier, but to be skinnier. I say that because what else could my motivation be if there is ongoing progress in my health and fitness? Why is that? Is it just me doing that no patience thing again?

It’s been a while since I delved into these things. Dug around a little and tried to identify my motives. A reader said that she had lost 30kg and it only happened when her genuine motive was to be healthy. It made me question my motives if after almost 9 months of working out I have lost a total of 5kg. There’s a road block there people, don’t you think? A wall. Something I can see that is getting in my way of me having what I want.

And sure. It could be hormonal or dietary or maybe I’m just all muscle now and so I weigh heavier and one day soon the fat will melt away. Maybe it’s none of those things and I’ve just eaten too many chips in conjunction with all the whole food I eat. Drank too much booze. Slept too little and craved too much. Or maybe this is just a longer process than people let on. Maybe that’s an excuse.

Do you ever wonder for yourself what your health motivations are? Why are you exercising? Eating well? Is it for health or smaller jeans? Or are they the same goal for you? Do smaller jeans mean health for you. Or healthier than bigger anyway. Maybe, just maybe, I’ve answered my question for myself. I want to be healthier than I am. Smaller too. I want to be comfortable. I am proud. I am determined. I am easily swayed sometimes and stubborn at others. I am grateful for the love and support I receive. I want to trust myself more to move forward and not look back.

I want to run like the wind.

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