Yes, you read that correctly. I’m doing it again. That thing where I push hard against life and break myself a little against its force. Some people take a little while to learn their lessons, I suppose and this is mine.
As I sit here, writing emails and responding to requests, I’m upset and annoyed and frustrated. I want things to move along, I want what’s out there in my future and I want it all now. Sick of patiently waiting for my turn, tired of trying and trying and failing all the time. Over working hard and being in the same place.
I’m sick of it not being me.
Sometimes I get to a point where I want to cry and scream and cry some more. But I don’t. Plastering on a smile and more make-up to hide the sleepless nights I keep going. Keep trying, keep moving forward but I know I’m ready for this. This time has prepared me as I worked and stretched every piece of me.
I know myself better than ever before. But it doesn’t come and it’s not for wanting or trying; or not wanting or not trying and I lose myself in a spiral of voices. They shout at me the things I can’t handle hearing about myself. The things I’ve tried to prove aren’t true. Poking and prodding and torturing me. I hate them.
I seethe with jealousy; it flood my veins and pulses there. Just below the surface the thump of jealousy is pumped around with my blood. Hearing it rush in my ears as my heart starts to beat and I want to throw up from keeping it firmly pushed down. Hidden so badly.
It’s everywhere again; my go to emotion and indulgence at the moment. An indulgence to hide that there’s more to do now, more work to be done. I fight the reasoning behind why I have to do it. Wondering why I have to refocus and start over. Why it happens to me and not you.
You think you know but you don’t.
You felt a pin’s prick of it and swiftly it passed. A moment, a fleeting moment, that was allowed to pass. It doesn’t pass for me. You haven’t grieved for a past you don’t have and a future that might never arrive. There isn’t nothing but the darkness and the possibility of it never-ending.
When you live with that, with it never-ending, it’s easier to give up. To stop and just cry. Rather than lace up your shoes again. Or face those tests again. To put in the work to be passed over again. You haven’t been here. You don’t know.
Or maybe you have.
…
Having slept badly and worn myself out, I’m exhausted and it hurts. I know what there is to be done. That one foot needs to be placed in front of another. Soon, I’ll come out the other side of this. Please let it be soon.
Hi! I’m Suger and I’m the Chief Blogger here. I make stuff for the internet. Which means I take photos, build websites, write copy and create social media plans for people. This is my blog where I share my life and the things that interest me. It’s been living its best life on the interwebs since 2009.
Hugs x You will get it because you deserve it and it will be even sweeter and you will appreciate it even more when it comes. I know that no words can make things better or this time easier but I just wanted you to know that someone was listening xx
Thank you Simone.
Hope everything gets better soon. You do an amazing job here.
Thank you Mrs Catch, I’m very proud of this place.
I wish there were words that would balm the pain a little, but I know there’s nothing. I mostly just wanted to let you know that I’m here, and listening.
Thank you Amy.
You know I just want give ya a big squeeze and surround you with love. I want, what you want for you soooo bad. I wish I could take all the bullshit (can I say bullshit……I just did) in the meantime, in the in between away. Love, hugs and light.
You can say bullshit. Thank you Trudie. xo
Sometimes life’s a marathon not a sprint.
Love to you
Mumabulous
I think you might be right. Thank you. xo
You are an absolute legend and an inspirational woman to me. You keep pushing friend, we are all behind you.
Wow. Thank you. I will. xo
Massive huge hugs to you my friend.
xxx
Thank you Lisa. Might need to come down for some RnR sometime soon. Sunshine and sand and all that. xo
All I have is love to one of the most beautiful people I have had the honour of meeting. You. <3
Thank you, you’re a sweet heart. xo
Hugs xxx
Thank you.
Honestly don’t know what to say Mel, I feel sad for you…. It isn’t fair, such a beautiful person, that has so much to give
Sorry to make you sad. I am sad. But just for now. Thank you. xo
Gorgeous M,
You will get through this. It sucks, it’s cruel and it’s unfair but you will get through.
SSG xxx
Thank you SSG xo
Oh Melissa. I kinda understand this but don’t want to try and say I ‘know what you’re going through’… but just that I understand the frustration. I’ve experienced some of it (unable – for various reasons… mostly singledom, then age – to have kids)… so a life alone, lack of fulfilment at work and realising you don’t have much else in your life cos your friends are all settled with partners and most are procreating.
It sounds a bit silly now but my main regret is waiting too long for stuff to happen. Expecting it would just happen (I’d meet someone, I’d have a family, I’d find a career I love, I’d discover my passions) but I’ve now realised that isn’t the way it works. Alas. Wish I’d realised this at 34 instead of 44!
I hope good things happen to/for you soon, in the meantime keep smiling that gorgeous smile and sharing with us.
Deb
xxxx
Thank you Deb. Time to pull up our socks and make things happen, I think. xo
I get it, you know I do. I feel it, you know I do. I wish neither of us either got it or felt it. Much love xxxx
Thank you Rach. xo
I think one of the biggest “life lessons” I ever learnt was “you are not your feelings and thoughts”. That is such an important reminder to us all, and particularly when you’re going through the tough stuff. You know this for a fact, and I wish you well in your journey back to “you”.
Thank you Renae. It was a big one for me too.
This sucks 🙁 I so wish that things didn’t have to be this way. But you know what? You totally got this. You always do. It’s just your way. It’s actually pretty cool and way inspiring. And I’ve seen you kick it before. So I hate that you’re in this place. But I know that you can trust yourself to get through it in your own way. You’re strong like that. And that’s something that I’M jealous of. There, that’s my little secret. I’m not as strong as people think. But one day, I hope to be as strong as you. Love love xx
Thank you hun. This comment just made my year. The jealous bit made me a bit awkward, you you know, that’s how it rolls. Thank you. Lots.
Love you Liss. Whenever you pop up in my cyber world, you’re always a little ray of sunshine in my day. Massive hugs xx
Thanks Rhi. xo