(trigger warning: pregnancy, infertility, miscarriage)
I have a Mother.
I celebrate her.
I wish I were a Mother.
I’m not.
Today we celebrate Mother’s, and so I partake.
She was celebrating the woman who not only delivered me so perfectly into this world but who prepared me so wonderfully for it. My Mother is everything I want for myself in many ways; Independent, generous, loving and determined. She was an inspiration in a world of women I couldn’t connect with. A top saleswoman, business owner, wife {now 36 years}, avid sportswoman, and mother of three. She defined choice as a woman for me. She was an example of living your life. Having what you want. All of what you want.
It doesn’t make today more accessible.
To have a woman like my Mother to celebrate.
It’s still hard.
I want MY chance to be that Mother.
To someone.
Anyone.
I want to tell those parents who don’t appreciate their children enough {you know them, I’m not just being judgemental} to wake up to themselves. I want to stand before them and ask if they have ANY idea how lucky they are. How lucky to have won the genetic lottery of randomly being able to spit out children at the drop of a hat. DO THEY KNOW!?
They better know.
I’m so angry; they are just better.
I don’t care HOW hard their day was today.
Really. Do they know?
This month I was late. You didn’t know that. No one does, really—just me & Hubby. Now you. I couldn’t even bring myself to test such is my neurosis these days. It was 11 days, I was just about brave enough to try, and it happened. It passed. Like before but a little less painful. Emotionally and physically. Because I didn’t start to dream, it didn’t exist yet. For me. For Hubby. For anybody. This time. It was earlier. It might not have even been. I’m numb. It doesn’t matter to me right now. It matters too much to count.
And so here we are.
In May.
Mothers Day.
No Mother here.
Have you met my husband? You have?
Well, when is HIS turn?
When do the bullshit waiting and heartbreak end for him?
Do you know what Mother’s Day reminds me of?
No crappy, poorly planned gifts from my husband. Because HE doesn’t get to play either, he has to sit on the sidelines. No, for my wife, the mother of my children, cards here. Just another day passing. I sometimes wonder how he feels about Mother’s Day ads. Do they stab him in the heart to? The Dad stands proudly in the background as the children fall over their mother. Laughing. Joyous moments of family.
He covers it nicely.
I know him better.
When is his turn?
We’re a family with a missing piece—a space.
(To the person who emailed and said my blog was ‘less real lately’. Is THIS real enough for you?? Well, is it? I hope you’re happy with my guts and drama all over the page. I hope this is enough for you.)
Hi! I’m Melissa Walker Horn. Around here, they call me Suger. I’m the Chief Blogger and doer of all the things here at Suger Coat It. Blogging since 1901; I love a casual ootd, taking photos, and writing about things that irk or inspire me. I love wine and cheese, long days at the beach and spending time with my family. I make stuff for the internet over at Chalkboard Digital. You know, living the sweet life.
This was one of the first things I read on mothers day, stewing a little as I had to organise the kids for a day out and pretty sure that my husband had completely forgotten about the whole day. I was ready to get in a funk, read this, and was reminded that there are so many people who would KILL to be me. Who would give anything to celebrate mothers day, cardless and all, just happy to be surrounded by gorgeous little people.
Thanks for the perspective- but I’m still sorry you had to give it.
Thank you Amy. I’m glad and it kind of makes it worth while. To be able to share it is worth something. Maybe not the whole lot. But something.
Thank you Amy. I’m glad and it kind of makes it worth while. To be able to share it is worth something. Maybe not the whole lot. But something.
I don’t know you, I read your blog. I’m a mama. Yesterday I sincerely thought of
all the lovely ladies out there who aren’t mamas but so desperately want
to be and so deserve to be. You see I’m a fertility nurse and I feel your pain every
day I’m at work.
Hugs from someone who hasn’t been in your shoes but understands and my heart aches
for you. Many warm wishes your way xx
Thank you. And what an amazing job you have. Thank you from us, for that. xo
I know nothing I say can make it right or ok so I am offering you a hug.
And I’ll take it. Thank you. xo
Surprisingly I only cried twice this Mothers Day – first thing in the morning because I got my ridiculously overdue period (another month bites the dust) and at the end of the day thanks to a stupid 60minutes story about a couple who conceived naturally at 50yrs old!
Way to sneak some hope back in my mind…I’ve been trying so hard to just give up on TTC this year, you know just let the damn thing go – (although I hope blocking the need and want is the same thing cos that’s as close to not wanting it anymore as I can get.)For me shutting it out is the only way to cope. It doesn’t make our reality any less real but it does hurt a lot less than feeling like this all the time.Clearly whoever said you haven’t been real around here lately knows nothing about our kind of struggle. This crisis is about as real as it gets. God forbid we should focus on something other than our ever present pain for a change. I thought that was called positivity?You keep on being you gorgeous and let the haters go find somewhere else to get their fix.Love & hugs to you sweet xox
That f’ing overdue period is a killer in this game, isn’t it. So hard to deal with. Heartbreaking. Thank you. And big love to you today and always. It’s a tricky old road this one. Lots of different things that can pop up and knock you on your ass without any warning. I saw that. I was SO jealous I had to change the channel.
Yes! That. My every waking moment is not a drama, simple as that. If they want drama, this is not the blog for it.
no words today, sorry but i just don’t have it in me, tired of talking about “my feelings” if i’m honest, especially about this topic! you know i wish you success in this journey and if not success [not sugar coating it SUGER! we don’t all get that happy ending as you know] then peace & hapiness regardless.
muchos love today my sweet xxxx
Thanks Rach. I know. xo
Oh Mel and Kelvin, my heart just breaks for you both. I will keep praying for you both that you are blessed with the child of your dreams. Know that we love you and keep you both in our thoughts constantly.
Love your both tot the moon and back!!!
Love Tam
Thanks Tam. Big love to the girls and Wayne. We haven’t even got any of the niece’s birthday pressies yet this year. So crap. Tell them I’ll do some shopping & get them something cool soon. xox
I love you so much. It’s always hard to know what the ‘right’ thing is to say in these posts. But just reading this, you amaze me. To be able to write this, share this. I have no idea what you are going through, I found this day hard for my own reasons, but I hope that you could find some middle level ground today, to at least enjoy the positive aspects.
Thank you Natalie. My thoughts were with you today. All of us. xox
Someone said your blog is less real? That’s a little rude I think. Surely they can’t want you to spill your heartache with every single post!
I do know how very lucky I’ve been with my four. (spat out at the drop of a hat too). From the beginning Mother’s Days have been lovely, not a lot of fuss, mostly cards and breakfast in bed stuff. Now they’re grown, they take me out for lunch or breakfast instead. Still low key but very nice.
I’m sorry to hear about your latest loss (?), I’m wondering if there might be an implantation problem. Something to ask your doctors? You and K would be great parents.
I think so too. This blog is about life and there just isn’t much drama and heartbreak in my life. This is perhaps not the blog for them.
Your mother’s days sound lovely. Now and then.
I think so too. We have appointments coming up. Again. More.
Wow! I linked here from B Being Cool, my first visit! Firstly I want to tell you that whoever told you you’re less real can get stuffed. Secondly, like another comment, I too thought the pain would go away after having children. But after 9 years of infertility, and even though I now have children, there are many words that people say that still make me cringe regarding mothers day. I know they may not help, but sending hugs anyway. oxoxoxooo
Thank you Rebekah. On all counts. And welcome. I hope you’ve had a lovely day with children. xo
I’m so sorry Melissa, there really are no words to make any of it any better for you. I remember those awful years, after my losses, and how i hated Mothers Day, so I understand, a little. I have since been blessed, and I PROMISE that I never take her for granted, that I never forget how lucky I am. Sending love and hope to you xx
Thank you Jane. Congratulations on your daughter. I hope you had a wonderful day today. xo
I remember these feelings. I had five years of Mothers Day yearnings. When all the mothers get to stand up in church and receive mothers day gifts, and I kept sitting, it was a dagger through the heart. This year, I had the busiest mothers day ever. I never take it for granted. I treasured every moment. I’m now a mother of five. I fast tracked my quota of kids last year by having triplets. Who would have known! I hope one day you also have homemade treasures passed your way with gigling smiles and chubby hands. In the meantime, it’s women like you that I remember every Mother’s Day. xxx
Congratulations on your triplets! OMG. How amazing. I hope you had a great day. And thank you. Chubby hands would be awesome.
If I could, I would give you a child Melissa. I am NOT one of those mums. I know. I really do. Big Big hugs. Loads of them. x
Thanks Danielle. I know you do. xox
Oh Melissa, I never knew you were trying for a family. I’m so sorry. I was exactly the same as you, for 4 years (lost 3 before we actually got 1 and then lost another in between the 2). All I ever wanted was the tacky card on Mother’s Day or the slobbery kisses. I hope your dreams come true soon. (In the meantime, I’ll give you my kids for a week or two.)
Anne xx
Sigh, yes, that’s it. Tacky cards and slobbeery kisses. Sorry to hear of your losses. xo
That was heart breakingly beautiful, Melissa…
xo
Thanks Meegan.
hugs. Mother’s day isn’t all its cracked up to be xxx
Thanks.
Thanks for your bravery and your rawness… Gosh, I was not expecting to cry today….
I hope you also wrote this post for YOU and not for random people who dish out negativity… I think these kinds of posts need to be shared.
Hugs to you and K – gosh – just don’t know what else to say… but had to say SOMETHING – I hope that makes sense…
Thanks B. I hope you’ve had an amazing day. I agree. Sometimes these type of posts just have to get out or they eat your guts out. I appreciate you saying something. It’s a difficult subject with too much awkward. xox
This wasn’t for them. If I knew how, I’d block them from here for life.
I’m so sorry to hear that. There’s nothing I can really say that doesn’t sound ridiculously trite, so please know that one of my first thoughts this morning was for the future mamas, as well as for the mamas who don’t have as many heads at their table as they do in their heart.
When I had a miscarriage, I was lucky enough to still be pregnant. I nearly lost Boyo a few weeks later in the pregnancy too so I’m extra specially grateful for my motherhood. I still miss what could have been every single day, so I do know how you feel xxx
Thank you Kim-Marie. I’m sorry for you loss. My cousin experienced the same thing with her second son. So sad and so conflicted. I hope you’ve had an amazing day. xo
Sending you so much love sweetheart.
And, how DARE someone write that sort of shit to you, passing judgement on YOUR blog. Some people just don’t get it.
Thanks Rhi. I hope the little lion had something fabulous planned today.
Oh my love, there is just so much I want to say.
First to the person who emailed you, agrrr go and get f*cked (sorry Mel for swearing) but how dare they. I would go into a further tirade but my energy would be wasted on them.
Secondly and most importantly my love, my hugs, my heart to you. You know, I know the loss, I understand it in and out. I don’t know what’s its like to be you, but I feel you, I feel for you, although my journey and path is different.
The month of May, has Mothers Day in it but for me there is also the reminder of 3 of my for babies lost. Loss sucks Hun, I know you know that it sucks big time. Please be kind to yourself, have a cry, get that energy out, don’t let it block you
Haha. It’s ok. Be F’ed indeed. 😉
Thank you. I was thinking about you today. All that you’ve experienced and survived so elegantly. Sending you love. xox
I love your guts hun. It will be your turn one day. One day. I can’t find the right words for you but my eyes are filled with tears. Much love to you both xx
Thanks Jac. I hope you had a great day with your beautiful boys. xo
Oh my love, there is just so much I want to say.
First to the person who emailed you, agrrr go and get f*cked (sorry Mel for swearing) but how dare they. I would go into a further tirade but my energy would be wasted on them.
Secondly and most importantly my love, my hugs, my heart to you. You know, I know the loss, I understand it in and out. I don’t know what’s its like to be you, but I feel you, I feel for you, although my journey and path is different.
The month of May, has Mothers Day in it but for me there is also the reminder of 3 of my for babies lost. Loss sucks Hun, I know you know that it sucks big time. Please be kind to yourself, have a cry, get that energy out, don’t let it block you.
Hug the man if yours tight.
I’m here for you too.
I am just sending u all my positive energy and love. I don’t get the universe sometimes- I don’t understand why some things happen the way they do. It’s not fair. Much love to u and kelvin x x x gil
Thanks Gil. I don’t either. Life for me has always turned out in time. I’m just waiting for the time on this one, it can be hard. Hope you had a great day. xo
Hugs from Perth xxx May you get through this day without too much more pain. I am so sorry to hear about your latest loss, I don’t have words to adequately explain how much this post has touched me. If I could make your wish come true I would in a heartbeat. xxx
I did, thank you. And thank you so much for that. I have a lot of wish making working out their for me. I appreciate every bit. xo
Thinking of you x
Thanks Carly. xo
Having had 4 miscarriages and a longgggg wait for Brenton I can imagine how you are feeling today. I do not have that wonderful mum you have (so far from it) so cannot celebrate her today. Have a good cry darlin girl and let it all out – then shower, make yourself look glam (as you always do) and go lavish some love on your awesome mum. Be kind to yourself today. Remember to set aside some quiet time later today to snuggle up to that gorgeous hubby of yours. You are in my thoughts today and in my prayers. I think your blog followers want motherhood for you almost as much as you do. I know I do!
Hugs n love
Kimmie
x
Thank you Kimmie. The family and I had a great morning. Lots of laughs and food. We did good. It’s been a nice enough day.
Hugs
xxx
I believe that person can do something along the lines of getting fucked.
I get it. I wish I didn’t. I wish you didn’t. I wish anyone who does get it didn’t.
Hugs and thoughts for us all in the trenches.
Zia
Haha. I think so too.
Right back to you. The trenches suck. xo
I could just hug you right now lovely lady. I have no words, just love. xxoo
Thanks Leanne. I’ll take them. 🙂
I can not imagine how heartbreaking it is for you and for your husband. I hope with all my heart that it will be your day too soon. And I do know, from seeing some other lovely couples go through this heartbreak, how lucky I am. Huge hugs for you.
Thank you Alana. I hope you had a great day!
I was thinking of you today and wondering how you were. Be yourself lovely – get through today any way that you and hubby need to – and forget about the people out there who can’t understand that you don’t blog for their needs. xxxCate
Thanks Cate. I hope you had an amazing day. We did good, thanks. Now I’m demanding Indian for dinner and a snuggle on the couch. xo
I am scared that hubby & I won’t be able to have kids when we try in a couple of years because it hasn’t accidentally happened in the past 14 years we have been together. I can only imagine the hurt I would feel. Unfortunatley your living it & don’t think there is anything anyone can say to make you feel better about it so I’m not going to try. From reading your blog of late, I think you are a strong person & you really do deserve the best things in life. They say the best things in life are free, but I tell you they are never easy.
I hope when you decide to try, it doesn’t go like this for you. Thank you. I am strong. I will wait this out. I appreciate you saying so.
Hope today isn’t too sucky, that the build up ended up being the worse bit (i often find that with hard stuff). And I’m very sorry to hear of what’s just happened 🙁 the world’s not right that this stuff can be so hard 🙁
Thank you Leah. This morning with my family was amazing. It was a long, dull afternoon.
Oh my sweet friend, my heart is breaking for you. I wish I could take this pain away from you. It’s not the same pain, but this is how I feel about getting married, so I think to a large extent I have an understanding of the torture it induces. I so just want to hug you right now and shed some tears with you. I want to get angry with you at the injustice of it all, but from where I am all I can do is send my love and continue to pray for you. You are in my thoughts today. xoxo
It’s the same. I wrote a post about it once. The wanting. The questioning. It’s the same, I think. I still see you, from my dream, so I’ll hold that in my mind for you. Your prayers are much appreciated. xox
I completely understand what you’re saying Suger. I’ve tried to get pregnant before giving up last year (after turning 43!). I’ve always been single so had to do it via fertility clinic. I still get grumpy when friends tell me how lucky I am to be able to loll in the bath or read entire novels in an evening… thinking I’d happily give that up for 20yrs of my life and be able to share it with someone instead.
It’s frustrating that it comes so easily to some and not others. It’s frustrating that we grow up ‘expecting’ that we too will have the fairytale one day – and it never comes.
Have a lovely day anyway!
Deb
xxx
I don’t blame you. I hate that, the whole lucky you. When you want nothing but the opposite. Like telling someone in a wheelchair they’re lucky to sit down all the time. Sigh.
Thinking of you today. xox
Melissa
I have shared your reality and your anger at the senseless of it all. I don’t think I’ll every forget.
SSG xxx
Big love SSG. I hope you’ve had an amazing day. xo
Oh thank god I’m not the only one this daycis hard for…..I don’t know that the husband has clicked with the Mother’s Days stuff and my bad mood. Trying really hard not to cry.
I know what you mean about ppl who take their parentage for granted. My brother moved out yesterday after a month and a half of denying the woman I busted him with was someone he worked with. The other lady is also a mother……My charming brother is spending today sailing, havibg broken his wife’s heart and his mother’s. I’ve helped his two kids with a present that she will want to keep.
One day we will have this day and we will truly appreciate it….no matter how tacky the card.
Especially because of the tacky card, I think. I’m sorry today is hard for you too. My first year I just bawled all day. Today, less so. Chin up.
Gosh, I really feel for you Melissa. It would be heartbreakingly hard when you want something so much and it comes so easy for some, and then those people don’t appreciate the gift they have. I hope your dreams come true soon. I think you would be wonderful, loving parents. To the person that said your less real lately. That is so judgemental. What is real? We don’t have to be ripping out heart out with each post. Sometimes we are allowed to be light. Please don’t pay attention to criticism. Rachel x
Thanks Rach. It’s possibly one of the biggest lessons of life so far. So hard.
Sometimes I think people expect more than I can deliver. I just offer my best. That’s all I can do. I appreciate your support. xo
I have no words Melissa. Just hugs, that is all I can offer.
Xx
I will absolutely take them. Thanks Amy xo
Oh darling, lovely lady, I so, so, so wish I could make your biggest dream come true. I know that sounds trite, it feels trite. And that person can get stuffed! I want to hug you very much right now. Love, lots of it to you. Xxxxxx
Thanks Cat. I hope you had an amazing day. xo