I came here to sit and write a post. Something to go live tomorrow morning while I recover from what will most certainly be a late night. In a coffee shop that specialises in chocolate, I’ll let it remain nameless. It’s freezing in here. I wonder if that’s for the chocolate or because the day today was hot but the evening is not.
Reaching for my notepad full of blog post ideas, after a little too quickly draining the latte I ordered, I realise it’s still in the car. The pages of notes and scribbles without them ideas elude me. There’s nothing here but me thinking about that notebook, the cold chill and the Christmas carols that are being piped through the sound system.
Perhaps I should return to my car, pop into the bathrooms and tidy up before dinner. There’s no rush really, I’m early and waiting it out. It is a beautiful afternoon outside, the sun has dipped behind the row of shops throwing a gorgeous afternoon light. I know if Hubby was here now it would make for beautiful photos. I know that stuff now. Funny the difference 18 months makes.
I was asked the other day what I was doing with myself these days. Before I could finish the blog explanation (which really needs to be refined apparently, it’s wordy and boring!) they asked if I was modelling. “Ha! I said, errr no. That’s just photos for my blog. We take those”. Awkward now I sipped heavily on the drink I had in my hand. “Modelling, no” I reinforced with a firm shake of my head.
But it sort of is, they said, you wear clothes, get photographed in the hope people might buy them. I nodded, it seemed to be the simplest explanation of the business end of things here. Then you model, they said. Matter of factly and I’m sure noting the surprised look on my face. I wouldn’t be adding THAT to my business card any time soon. Weird.
I was perplexed. Can you imagine growing up your whole life thinking you were one thing and finding out, in your thirties none the less, that you are another. I’m a blogger, part time real estate helper, model of clothes I like (apparently), author, content creator, social media strategist, wife, daughter, sister, aunt and wanna be mother…
I’m confusing. Not confused. Confusing. I think it’s hard to explain me and what I do. The roles I play and the things I do. I find it hard enough to switch between the hats myself. I miss being retired, let me tell you that. I miss waking up and the day was mine. The choice of what to wear, when to wear it was mine. I miss that. I blogged a lot then too, of course, I loved that. As I type this little random ramble, as it tumbles from my mind, I want that back.
I don’t need much if I can spend my days how I please. I’m pretty low maintenance. Just don’t tell that to my newly manicured brows and blow-dried hair (What? I had a long wait today!). I don’t need the finer things in life if I have my freedom. Not to be dramatic or anything. But it’s true. Give me freedom or give me death!
Whoops. That last bit WAS dramatic.
So I look for mentors and guides. I consider my options, plot and plan. Then I remember that I’ve been sitting here too long now. I’m pretty sure my glass was cleared a while ago. My arms and ankles tingle with the cold. I’ve passed the time. Just as I hoped I would. Quickly, doing something I love, easily. And now I go.
But not before you tell me, what do you value most of all? Freedom or security? Consistency or the unknown?
Hi! I’m Melissa Walker Horn. Around here, they call me Suger. I’m the Chief Blogger and doer of all the things here at Suger Coat It. Blogging since 1901; I love a casual ootd, taking photos, and writing about things that irk or inspire me. I love wine and cheese, long days at the beach and spending time with my family. I make stuff for the internet over at Chalkboard Digital. You know, living the sweet life.
Can I have both?
Mr Wright and I spent a couple of years travelling around Australia – we upgraded to a caravan but for months we lived out of a tiny camper trailer and the back of a ute. It was an amazing experience and I loved travelling, but I hated not having somewhere to go that was just mine. Now we’re living on 100 acres (still in a caravan) and I love having all this space to myself, but I miss seeing new places, and being able to pack everything up and take off when we got bored.
I guess I’ve got to have balance. A bit of freedom, a bit of security. Never too much of one thing.
It sounds like you absolutely can Shelby! I love this. I grew up on 400 acres, I think that’s where my love of freedom comes from. Space to think, room to be myself. Always.
I’m trying to convince Hubby that we could do the same thing. I would blog the crap out that. For the love of sunsets and all things awesome.
Freedom and consistency. I like to know what is next and I hate to be boxed in.
Sounds like a nice balance to me Pat.
I am so not a risk-taker. I love security and knowing what happens next. I would love the freedom to do what I love (fashion blogging) rather then stick it out in a mundane job but I like the security that full-time money gives me, you can’t have it all ways i suppose 🙂
No, I don’t think you can in this case. I’ll be sure to let you know if I work out a way. 😉
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become a terrible creature of habit. Hubby and I went out to dinner last night at a friends house, a 20 minute drive away, we were gone for about 5 or so hours. I enjoyed myself, I love catching up with these friends but upon returning home and tucking ourselves into bed, I was holding Ruby dog giving her some attention and out of nowhere turned to hubby and said “you know the more we go out, the more I realise just how much of a homebody I’m becoming”. That NEVER used to be me.
Once I would have told you that I craved uncertainty, flying by the seat of my pants and in someways I still do, I rarely make plans [that’s mainly down to anxiety – if plans are made more than a few days in advance, it just gives me to time to think about what I’ve planned and get anxious over it] and we live very spontaneously but also very reliably – our life rarely changes – don’t see me for 5 months and I can almost guarantee you that not much will have changed with me but due to no responsibilities [hello no kids!] we have that freedom to hit the road every weekend if we so choose, to sleep in late etc we live our life moment to moment.
I don’t believe you need a lot in life to be happy and I most certainly don’t believe that happiness is found within possessions, stuff tends to hold you back and anchor you down, happiness can’t grown if it cannot breath and when you’re being suffocated by a mountain of responsibilities and debt and “stuff”, you’re gonna struggle for every breath you take.
Now I’ve turned this into a ramble. My apologies. In closing 1. You’ve given ME a topic to write about on my new blog so thank YOU; 2. Freedom. Always. I’ll always pick freedom.
Love it. Excellent ramble. Excellent to hear that you’re blogging again. And I love it, join the freedom or die charge! 😉