The first memory I have of feeling awkward, uncomfortable and embarrassed to be me is from when I was eight. It’s been a long journey since then. There are signpost moments that stand out. Lessons learned, and heartbreak earned. I tried hard sometimes and didn’t try much at all other times. I learnt some stuff and forgot other stuff. I learnt what it is to be me, right here, right now.
I was in my pre-teens when the battles with my body started.
The battles with other people started around the same time. I would do anything to prove my worth, show people I had value, prove myself to them. All the while, I was maintaining a holier than thou exterior. I hid behind that front when I was scared or challenged. I was better than them. Even though I knew, to my toes that I wasn’t, it’s hard work keeping that type of mask in place. Let me tell YOU.
Masks are hard work. Full stop. I find it harder to pretend these days then to be myself. I still get embarrassed, usually when I fall, or do something unavoidably stupid. But I’m not ashamed to be who I am. I’m not embarrassed to be me.
A few years ago, a friend told me of the calm that enveloped her in her late twenties/early thirties. I nodded, smiling, thinking sure-sure. But now I’m here, and I think I might say the same. Laugh if you will. But I do. Scoff if you will. My brother should look away.
If this is what thirty is going to feel like, bring it.
Hi! I’m Melissa Walker Horn. Around here, they call me Suger. I’m the Chief Blogger and doer of all the things here at Suger Coat It. Blogging since 1901; I love a casual ootd, taking photos, and writing about things that irk or inspire me. I love wine and cheese, long days at the beach and spending time with my family. I make stuff for the internet over at Chalkboard Digital. You know, living the sweet life.