The first memory I have of feeling awkward, uncomfortable and embarrassed to be me is from when I was eight. It’s been a long journey since then. There are signpost moments that stand out. Lessons learned, and heartbreak earned. I tried hard sometimes and didn’t try much at all other times. I learnt some stuff and forgot other stuff. I learnt what it is to be me, right here, right now.
I was in my pre-teens when the battles with my body started.
The battles with other people started around the same time. I would do anything to prove my worth, show people I had value, prove myself to them. All the while, I was maintaining a holier than thou exterior. I hid behind that front when I was scared or challenged. I was better than them. Even though I knew, to my toes that I wasn’t, it’s hard work keeping that type of mask in place. Let me tell YOU.
Masks are hard work. Full stop. I find it harder to pretend these days then to be myself. I still get embarrassed, usually when I fall, or do something unavoidably stupid. But I’m not ashamed to be who I am. I’m not embarrassed to be me.
A few years ago, a friend told me of the calm that enveloped her in her late twenties/early thirties. I nodded, smiling, thinking sure-sure. But now I’m here, and I think I might say the same. Laugh if you will. But I do. Scoff if you will. My brother should look away.
If this is what thirty is going to feel like, bring it.
Hi! I’m Melissa Walker Horn. Around here, they call me Suger. I’m the Chief Blogger and doer of all the things here at Suger Coat It. Blogging since 1901; I love a casual ootd, taking photos, and writing about things that irk or inspire me. I love wine and cheese, long days at the beach and spending time with my family. I make stuff for the internet over at Chalkboard Digital. You know, living the sweet life.
Where you struggle to wear a mask, some of us struggle to take it off. My is heavy and sticky and has been worn for so long it has melted into my skin.
I feel that I am truely me, but a guarded version.
I have not cared too deeply for those who do not like me for a long time. We all have people we like and that we don’t like. I take no offense to that, but I still wear a guarded mask.
A kind if sad addition to the conversation. That mask of yours DID make me think of Jim Carry’s mask in The Mask though. About sucking onto you and not letting go. I guess it’s up to each of us if we want to wear it or not. If it’s worth putting our guts on the line by taking it off. And let me tell you lady, when I met you, you seemed pretty darn transparent to me. I loved you on the spot. And that doesn’t happen for me that often. People usually have to try harder to win my affections. 😉
Naww this comment I have hoarded in my inbox for days now because it is gold to me.
You’re right, I am not a fake and it would stand out so clearly if I were. I am transparent and usually people don’t like that about me because it means I am also blunt, but I personally prefer a harsh truth vs. never knowing where you stand. I guess I am just guarded. There is so much to this teeny tiny lady you met and while people often assume I am open and honest and carefree I have that dark weighed down and heavily guarded side.
I have to say though, meeting you was one of the highlights of my year. You are super awesome fo’ sho’
I can recall hearing my mother and her friends talking about how between 25 & 30, everything just seems to fall into place and you “know yourself”. At the time, I was like, “Whatever!”. but it’s SO true… there just seems to come a time where you realise, you only live once, be happy in yourself and do what feels right to you and the rest will fall into place. Kinda like you discover that your parents are no longer the boss of you and finally your in charge (if that makes sense)
Yes, that’s how it was for me exactly. And I know what you mean about the parents thing. I felt that way when I got engaged quite young, I thought to myself, oh my goodness, they couldn’t stop me if they tried. WOW. Haha.
“A few years ago a friend told me of the calm that enveloped her in her late twenties/early thirties.”
At 33, I still don’t have that calm and I want it oh so bad. Size is irrelevant, I just want to feel comfortable being me. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, I want to be able to walk with my head held high and not pointing to the ground ashamed to make eye contact. Or walk through a shop convinced everyone is looking at me and judging me.
After our convo on Facebook yesterday, it got me thinking about what it is exactly that I feel in regards to my body etc and you nailed it in your first sentence here : “of feeling awkward, uncomfortable and embarrassed to be me” that’s it right there. The funny thing is, I never used to be.
I’m so unbelievably proud of you and the Aussie Curve girls and one day I hope to have just a slither of the confidence you girls have xxx
You know I want so much for you to feel the same way. You’ll get there. I promise you that. Even if I have to drag you. Haha. Thanks for contributing. xox