The first memory I have of feeling awkward, uncomfortable and embarrassed to be me is from when I was eight. It’s been a long journey since then. There are sign post moments that stand out. Lessons learned and heartbreak earned. I tried hard sometimes and didn’t try much at all other times. I learnt some stuff and forgot other stuff. I learnt what it is to be me, right here, right now.
I was in my pre-teens when the battles with my body started. The battles with other people started around the same time. I would do anything to prove my worth, show people I had value, prove myself to them. All the while maintaining a holier than thou exterior. I hid behind that front when I was scared or challenged. I was better than them. Even though I knew, to my toes that I wasn’t. It’s hard work keeping that type of mask in place. Let me tell YOU.
Masks are hard work. Full stop. I find it harder to pretend these days then to be myself. I still get embarrassed, usually when I fall, or do something unavoidably stupid. But I’m not embarrassed to be who I am. I’m not embarrassed to be me. A few years ago a friend told me of the calm that enveloped her in her late twenties/early thirties. I nodded, smiling, thinking sure sure. But now I’m here, I think I might say the same.
Laugh if you will. But I do. Scoff if you will. My brother should definitely look away.
If this is what thirty is going to feel like, bring it.
Hi! I’m Suger and I’m the Chief Blogger here. I make stuff for the internet. Which means I take photos, build websites, write copy and create social media plans for people. This is my blog where I share my life and the things that interest me. It’s been living its best life on the interwebs since 2009.