It turns out that bullying doesn’t really take into account your age, how well you’re doing in life, your confidence levels or your general esteem for yourself. Adult bullying happens. Being bullied is something most of us will experience at one time or another. At school, in a peer group or the workplace.
I’ve told the stories about me growing up, the rush to be a grown up and then dissatisfaction with the life I had being that very serious grown up. I was in a rush to get somewhere, to be someone and to leave behind the playground politics, the drama and the bullying. Having been on both sides of the fence and being equally ashamed to be in both camps, I wanted to be different. I wanted out.
Maybe you might be a 29-year-old woman, with a husband and family you love, a moderately successful blog and a job, friends and hobbies you hand-picked and planted into your life. You might even take photos of yourself and plaster them all over the internet and write a post series about being a more confident you!
It could be me.
It is me.
Adult bullying happened to me.
Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been the victim of a bully. I really do mean that I have been their victim. I have been at their mercy, their hands, I lost myself to them for a while. A bully who has a small pack. Of course. A real life, won’t look me in the eye bully. I was so used to the behind the computer screen type that I almost forgot that they exist outside too. It was a shock, really. The sneaky and insidious ways that they got to me.
I came to realise I was being bullied when I found myself questioning everything about me. I questioned what I wore, how hard I worked, the skills I have and my ability to communicate effectively with people. I was under attack.
My body was first to register the attack, as it always is. My skin broke out, my stomach clenched and tightened. I was physically sick on more than one occasion. Your body knows an attack when it see’s one. Whether the person means it or not. Attack is attack. Fight or flight is a response as natural to a body as breathing.
I stood my ground and found myself pushing back. Calling them out. Asking what the heck!? Others stood by and watched it happen. Curious, and a little bit shocked. I don’t know much about bullies but I know they love a passive audience. Passive being the key word.
I am writing this, not for sympathy but to say it happens.
And does. It can.
To anyone.
I think it’s important not to assume that victims of bullying are weak and unable to stand up for themselves. And sometimes they are. But too often people assume that someone who can command a room of people and has some mad skills {see, no self-esteem issues here} won’t be bullied. It’s harder to ask for help when people assume you’re ok. Assume you’ll manage. Assume you’ll hang tough. Sometimes you just can’t hang anymore.
Even now as I make moves to remove myself entirely from the situation, I wonder what the heck I did. What caused this to happen to me and where this shit storm came from. Like there has to be a reason. There HAS to be, right? As the dark of night comes and I go to bed wired and worried I know there has to be something. Too bold, too loud, too bossy, too opinionated… I curl into Hubby’s arms and try to even out my breathing. To stem the panic. I try not to think about it, but then I wonder. Why.
I know ALL the evidence says that it was not something I did. All the evidence says that this bully, my bully, is a jerk. And that’s the trap, right there. I don’t know the official line behind it. I’m not a learned expert. But I believe that’s how victims are born. Over time, a short time for me, what I thought I knew about myself was being broken down. Sure I was fighting it but I was losing in so many ways. The belief that I had done something to deserve being treated so badly was the big fat red flag. The BELIEF I deserved it in some way. Ugh. I believed it.
There is something there for parents, for role models and for others going through the same thing. Watch what you start to believe. Sure you may be doing ok and making your way clear of what is happening to you, but when you start to believe you DID SOMETHING worthy of bad treatment, if you believe you DESERVE it in some way, then you’re not coping. It’s not ok.
That’s the part that needs to change.
That’s the part that really, REALLY sucks.
The rest kinda of goes away, fades to a feeling or an experience.
But that lingers and becomes the issue.
Because no one deserves to be treated badly, spoken to or about in a horrible, mean-spirited way. No one deserves to be intimidated and threatened. No one. And don’t ever, EVER, let them tell you any different.
Or they win.
{I am ok, really. I am well supported. This post was born out a desire to make my situation count for something. To make what I’ve taken away from it worth something. I am doing well. Much better. If you aren’t in the same position, please contact Lifeline or similar services and have a good chat. Do it for me. If you would. Pleeeeeease.}
Hi! I’m Suger; Chief Blogger at Suger Coat It. Blogging since 1901; love a casual ootd, taking photos + writing about things that irk or inspire me. I love wine and cheese, long days in the sun at the beach and spending time with my family. I make stuff for the internet. Which means I take photos, create content, write copy and devise social media plans for personal brands, small businesses and bloggers. You know, living the sweet life.
We won’t let them win!
I’m glad. xo
Horrible nasty bully people just suck, don’t they?! I’m a little bit shocked because in my head I’m thinking, “Who would bully Melissa?? She’s awesome”…and I know ’cause I’ve met you!
But this post resonates because what you’ve described reminds me of my ‘friendship divorce’. She bullied me so often, but she would never admit to that. I think some people don’t even know what they saying or doing hurts. That’s because they’re heartless. Thank God there are plenty of others with big hearts that do care.
Great post xx
To be honest, I was a bit shocked myself. Thanks for your kind words. I know you went through a rough time with your ex-friend. It hurts. I agree that sometimes people don’t know the effect they have on people. Thank god indeed. xo
Thank you for sharing, what so many of us have been through at one time or another. Every person’s position is unique, but there are certainly elements that resonate with us all.
This is also a reminder to me that I was going to email you about my experience with the adult bully – in it’s own individual and messed up circumstances. I’ll be posting it over to you soon.
Much love, and glad to hear you are in wonderful hands. x
You’re welcome. There was one thing I was clear of when I started to feel better, that I had to say something. Fess up in a lot of ways.
I’ll keep an eye out for the email tomorrow when I check them. Thank you for entrusting me with your story. xo
Oh I so feel your words! I have been the victim of bullying by another blogger & it shook me to the core. I have no enemies in life so when the snide remarks, constant belittling started, I was dumbfounded. I found that the only way to stop the constant public bullying was to send a private message asking how it all became what happened. Of course the bully then went public with their apology then came back to me to half heartedly apologize in private which just proved it to me even more that it was their problem not mine. It did make me go inside myself & question myself but it wasn’t me it was them. I think bullies are bullies from a lack of self esteem & they cover it with a bravado that becomes hurtful to others. The best thing I learnt was that a bully is their own enemy & that is a lonely life to lead. Well done for telling your story, it helps to be able to move on. Xx
Thank you Jos. Sorry to hear of that situation, I must have missed it online as I so often do. Bullies in all their guises are hard work and can be damaging if given free reign.
I am so sorry that you were bullied. And that anyone had anything nasty to say. This was so well written 🙂
And yeah its hard not to listen to what they bullies say, and to take it on board. Good on you for standing strong, be very proud of who you are xxx
Thank you. xo
Beautifully written Melissa. Thank you for sharing.
I think you made an important point about standing up when you see it happening, and not assuming someone can handle it on their own, no matter how confident they seem. I always remember thinking – if only someone would help me, be on my side, or just say hey are you ok?
I’m glad you are ok. And I’m glad you’ve taken yourself out of the situation. And I’m glad you know it’s not you, cause we all love you just the way you are
Thank you, you’re welcome. I was clear that at some stage I would. Just kept looking for the words. I am ok, thank you and well cared for. Lucky me.
It is important to check in no matter how strong someone is. It’s a tough situation to find yourself in. Sometimes it take a while to get over the shock and be able to defend yourself. Maybe someone with a clearer head could step in sooner?
Damned bullies. xx
uh huh.
What sort of dim witted bully would pick you for a victim?? Seriously…You are right, bullying white ants anyone’s self esteem, even someone as confident as you. Well done for calling them out on thier BS.
xx
Haha. I know right? Madness. Thank you.
“Too bold, too loud, too bossy, too opinionated…” you know I don’t see you as any of those things. I see you as someone who speaks her mind and sticks up for what she believes in; someone who will talk to anyone & everyone, the life of the party so to speak; someone who is happy to take control of a situation in a confident manner and someone who has strong beliefs and sticks by them. All those things, plus many many more things are the reasons why I love you.
I hate that someone, anyone, thinks it’s fine to treat someone as if they are inferior to themselves, less worthy than themselves because NO ONE is better than anyone else, even those born into position, those who earn millions, those who become famous – we are all here doing the same thing, making it to the end of the day, some of us do it in fancier surroundings, with more money and with better results BUT at the end of the day, we’ve all done the same – made it TO the end of the day.
I’m supremely proud of you for taking a stand, for calling the bully out, for questioning their motives and actions and that says SO much about the type of person YOU are my gorgeous friend.
Damn the man Lis and fuck the haters [not literally cause that would just be umm yeah awkward], they’re not worth a first thought no matter a first one.
Love ya guts to the moon & back xxxx
And yes fingers working too fast! “they’re not worth a first thought, no matter a SECOND one”
A much appreciated comment Rach. It can be hard seeing your value when something like this happens. I feel like I’ve asked for support and kind words from Kel more than a person should. Words to reassure me, to reset my equilibrium. But it takes what it takes, right? Thank you. You’re always so generous with me. xo
Thank you for such a powerful pst Melissa. I’m sorry and angry that this could happen to you.
Take care and I’m glad you are so supported and loved. You deserve it.
SSG xxx
Thank you. xo
This jerk needs a serious kick in the pants.
Ha. Yup. xo
And just to be as juvenile as most bullies seem to be….. I say poo to them!
Poo to them indeed. xo
Way to go babe for talking about it. If there is one thing I’ve learnt about bullies as an adult (having been in the receiving end at different times) is that they are weak. I’m glad you are surrounded with love and supported an you have all of us as you cheer squad too. X
I think it’s important. In a lot of ways I didn’t want to. But in other, SO knew I wanted to share it. I have THE best cheer squad. A whole world of wonderful. I’m a lucky lady. Thank you. xo
So much that we share. I want to smack this person upside the head and tell them to go and munch on anus hairs or something.
I know that right now you are doubting so much and that all the words of love and awe and general “you are awesomeness” are heard but not felt as much as you would like, but you really are awesome. For every one person who is going to be a dickface to you there are hundreds who are loving on you. The balance is very much in your favour.
And what can I say, these things are almost always born of some sort of jealousy. I have a feeling this may be the case.
Love you xx
Munch on anus hair!? Oh god lovely, you’re a crack up. Thank you for those words, it does take something to remind yourself, to get back to where you were before. I’m not sure I’m there yet at all. I still feel really fragile. So your words are SO appreciated. xo
Thanks for sharing this with us Mel, I hope you are feeling a bit better now,
I was (or felt like) I was bullied during my stint back at college a couple of years ago. It was the only other senior student there, he was a big Harley riding loud mouth, he was extremely jealous of me because I got better marks than me.
The thing is he was that arrogant, that there was no way you could call him out on it, and I was too worried about the confrontation, and the awkwardness of the rest of the years classes. So yeah, he ruined college for me totally.
At Graduation, I kind of got an apology from him, that he knew he had been hard on me, but that didn’t help, the damage was done.
We all know what’s not right at the time, and what we should do, but when we are put in the situation, it is very hard to actually do it. Don’t be hard on yourself for the way you felt, Your a nice person with feelings and that’s why you felt like you did, don’t change that for anyone. You’re One of a Kind 🙂 and we love that
You’re welcome and thank you for sharing your story with us. You’re right, it can be hard to know what’s right to do for yourself and for others. Moving forward once it’s done is all we really have control over.
Thank you. What a lovely thing to say. xo
Brilliant post. You are so right! Hope you are okay. xxx
Thank you Robyn. xo
I’ve been bullied a few times as an adult. Not only is it hard but the bullies are much more sly about things. I’ve been blamed for things at work that I never did or not the credit for the good things plus had people do really freaky shit to me – the kind of shit you’d see some crazy bitch do on day time soaps!
But these nut-jobs are only hurting themselves. Want to spend hours of your life every day cooking up schemes to bring me down? Go ahead. Meanwhile I’ve moved on to better things while they are stuck in the same loser place.
You are right about them being more sly. Absolutely. thanks for sharing your experience, you’re right, often you find these people right where you left them.
I had no idea. I’m sorry this is happening. I hope more that they back the hell off. Is it someone you thought you were friends with?
Thanks Melissa. They have already, nothing like a change of attitude to change a situation somewhat. That said, I’ve given all the information I’m going to give online, but thank you for asking. xo
Much love to you, my friend. Bullies are insecure jerks- whether they are old or young. I’m glad you are through the worst of it. x x x x
Thank you. Me too. SO glad.
Gosh, I know how you feel. I’ve gotten a couple of nasty emails lately and I actually made my blog private as a result. The assumptions that people make and the insidious ways in which they attempt t make you feel bad about yourself really suck. I was bullied in real life at school. And then in a professional environment and that totally sucked. I do think that sometimes it is borne out of jealousy and other times there isn’t really any reason other than the person bullying just has jip with you. I have to say that the bullying in a professional environment was the bullying that really stuck with me. It has impacted my life for three years. THREE YEARS! Thanks for the reminder that I didn’t deserve it x
You’re welcome. I think that’s the hardest part to shake. Is is for me.
Being bullied in a professional environment has such a big impact, I think because it’s so constant and undermines your work that so many of associate with having so much to do with who we are… Does that make sense?
Well, anyway, I hope you’re doing ok and have all the support you need. Sucks about the emails. Gosh. People.