When they talk about the weather not helping a person’s mood, they are probably talking about me lately. I’ve been a storm cloud of grumble and whine. I decided though, that something has to change and I need to cause a shift in my blah type behaviour. Enough is enough lady, I said to myself, best you find a way to be yourself again. Quick smart. So I got my hands on some money and I shopped a little. Hmmm, still nothing. I spent some time with my family, laughing and enjoying their company. Good. Better even. But still not quite right. Still blah.
Though that may have been the hangover.
Someone remind me why I persist with this booze thing?
Might be time to give it up.
Anyways. So then I sat down with my Hubby and got all deep and meaningful like I was searching for something or other. He says it’s a symptom, not a cause. I know he’s right. The not sleeping, the grumpy, the unsettled feeling. All signs that I’m not yet out of the dark when it comes to depression and anxiety. Not this time. Not today. And surprisingly, realising that it’s not ME me, that it’s just something happening in the background recesses of my mind calms me a little. Calms me in the same way I felt calmed the first time my Dad sat me down and spoke to me about mental illness and our family. Like a light bulb flickering on. You know how those fluorescent bulbs need a new starter thingy and they flick, flicker a few times before coming on? That.
It is what it is. I am what I am. There is no way for me to be any different.
So I start reading more; blogs and books and magazines left untouched for months. I take long baths and watched movies. I keep myself busy and try not to nap. I stop drinking caffeine again. I work out hard and sweat big fat droplets of frustration onto the floor. I talk more, instead of less. I tell people. I’m not feeling well. It feels dark. I’m not sleeping. And they know. They know that by talking, I’m ok for now. It’s the fake it until you make it without as much of the faking it. This is my life. I enjoy it. Sometimes though, it takes a little more convincing to do so. Sometimes it takes turning to my old tricks to feel like myself again.
It is what it is. I am what I am. And you can’t rush these things.
Who or what do you turn to when you need to feel yourself again?