When they talk about the weather not helping a person’s mood, they are probably talking about me lately. I’ve been a storm cloud of grumble and whine. I decided though, that something has to change and I need to cause a shift in my blah type behaviour. Enough is enough lady, I said to myself, best you find a way to be yourself again. Quick smart. So I got my hands on some money and I shopped a little. Hmmm, still nothing. I spent some time with my family, laughing and enjoying their company. Good. Better even. But still not quite right. Still blah.

Though that may have been the hangover.

Someone remind me why I persist with this booze thing?

Might be time to give it up.

Anyways. So then I sat down with my Hubby and got all deep and meaningful like I was searching for something or other. He says it’s a symptom, not a cause. I know he’s right. The not sleeping, the grumpy, the unsettled feeling. All signs that I’m not yet out of the dark when it comes to depression and anxiety. Not this time. Not today. And surprisingly, realising that it’s not ME me, that it’s just something happening in the background recesses of my mind calms me a little. Calms me in the same way I felt calmed the first time my Dad sat me down and spoke to me about mental illness and our family. Like a light bulb flickering on. You know how those fluorescent bulbs need a new starter thingy and they flick, flicker a few times before coming on? That.

It is what it is. I am what I am. There is no way for me to be any different.

So I start reading more; blogs and books and magazines left untouched for months. I take long baths and watched movies. I keep myself busy and try not to nap. I stop drinking caffeine again. I work out hard and sweat big fat droplets of frustration onto the floor. I talk more, instead of less. I tell people. I’m not feeling well. It feels dark. I’m not sleeping. And they know. They know that by talking, I’m ok for now. It’s the fake it until you make it without as much of the faking it. This is my life. I enjoy it. Sometimes though, it takes a little more convincing to do so. Sometimes it takes turning to my old tricks to feel like myself again.

It is what it is. I am what I am. And you can’t rush these things.

Who or what do you turn to when you need to feel yourself again?

  • Martina Hart

    Thats the first step in cognitive behavioural therapy. Do the things you enjoy until you start enjoying them again. Accepting this is part of your makeup is a bit like accepting being overweight. It gives you a space to turn away from the shame but do what you can to look after yourself. Good luck. Hope you are feeling better soon

  • I do only the things I enjoy and say no to anything I don’t or I feel obligated to. Sure the latter has upset a few people in the past but sometimes when the chips have been down, like really down, I’ve had to pull out all stops.

    I’m wishing for you and sending you a “change”, something to make you smile, to give you back your zip, your zap, your swagger, your pizzazz.

    One foot in front of the other Hun, you’ll get there. I know you’re much like me, you’d like to kick yourself silly and get rid of this “pesky you” that’s bothering you. Just concentrate on one thing at a time, not everything all at once. You might be giving yourself too much to change right now,

    • Thank you lovely. My goodness, I’m trying not to be hard on myself but it’s difficult. I keep reminding myself to be kind. BE KIND DAMMIT. Haha.

  • I could have written this. A friend I made through twitter helped me a while back and this is now how I get through. Sometimes I slip and I have to remind myself & start over again. It works for me, mostly.
    Regular catch ups with my best friend help too. I’ll be lost without him when he leaves in April, but for now I’m trying not to think about that…….

    • Thanks for sharing this Jen. Good luck in the coming months, I’m sure you’ll find your feet no problem. You know, sooner or later. xo

  • And sometimes? It takes opening up to others and giving them a chance to help you along for a little while.
    You are a brave woman, and I know you are immensely strong too. Sometimes we have to just sit in the dark for a while, take it in, feel our way around and find a new crack, a new weakness in the structure for the next time.
    Depression and anxiety however are not fun, at all, and I am glad you are able to notice the signs.
    I am always here if you ever need to chat <3

    • Thank you Miss P. I appreciate the offer and I promise to ask, if I need it. I’m doing ok, highly functional in fact, it’s just not right. It’s not me, me.

  • Patrick weseman

    I try to do the things that make ME happy. Things that I enjoy. I usually become a hermit and start taking care of ME. I know with life going on and everything else, I feel the need to really do things that please ME. It may only be 30 minutes a day, but that at least those 30 minutes are MINE.

    • Sounds good. Too often we get busy and forget to take care of number one. Great advice.

  • Latresa

    I know the feeling and even though I know that I am good at cheering others up I feel like I am alone when it comes to me so I tried a few things to remedy myself when I am in this sort of mood and they were all temporary fixes; sort of like a bandaid is to a sore that seems to feel better once you visually see the bandaid. But then it doesn’t last because it is still a nagging irritation there. After my “bandaid” trial and errors. I finally found what really helps me to take care of me, and that is I dance! LOL! I dance like no one is watching and I have really gotten good over the years as well. I am sorry that you feel this way but as you stated, it is what it is, we are who we are and we can’t rush these things and the best thing to do is take care of you and make sure you are where you need to be. I hope you feel better love. Take care.

    • Thank you for sharing this. To dance, oh my goodness yes, dance! What a wonderful and joyful idea. Love it! And thank you, I am taking care, promise.

  • Min

    Oh wow….I understand this post more than you’ll ever know. That off mood, that grouchiness, that feeling down, that feeling that something isn’t quite right. I’m there right now. Hoping it shifts soon as I don’t like it much but it has happened before and so too has it shifted before 😉 xxoo