Yesterday {was it then or was I that far out of the loop} it hit the interwebs that Kim Kardashian is expecting. The world is abuzz, the gossip world, that is. It got me thinking about Khloe. Khloe who doesn’t have a baby yet. Khloe who has seen two siblings have babies since she expressed a wanting for her own baby. Khloe who I feel a wee bit connected with in this sense. And by a wee bit, I mean a big fat connection, heck I’d move into her wardrobe if she’d let me.

But let me explain.

My brother has had two children {not literally obviously, his wife helped} and my sister is expecting, due mid next year. I don’t have anything remotely close to a baby. I’m the Khloe. The one everyone casts pitying sighs towards when the sibling announces happy news. The one who feels like they’ve lost their own mind half the time. The one who’s heart breaks and grows bigger with joy in the same moment. The one who can’t help but wonder about stuff.

I wonder what people are really saying. I wonder what keeps me here. I wonder how my husband really feels. Sometimes. I wonder how much longer, how many more announcements, how many times it won’t be me before it is. Will it ever be me? Maybe now is the time to finally accept maybe it won’t be. It probably isn’t. but I wonder about that too. I know some have waited much, much longer than us. Longer and still have empty arms. I wonder if they feel like Khloe sometimes too.

2013. What have you got in store for us?

Khloe and I.

Anything good?

Because if you do, I am so announcing that on twitter.

  • Rach aka Stinkb0mb

    ” I wonder if they feel like Khloe sometimes too.”

    All.The.Freakin.Time.

    It’s like I said on Facebook tonight – there is nothing like seeing so many others living out
    *your* dream just as the 12th yr of wishing for it is about to tick
    over! #fuckyouuniverse

    Twelve years, in fact closer to 13 if I’m honest because we were happy to try from the word go. I realise that the universe probably does have a different plan for our lives but I don’t care, this is MY life, not the universes and I want what every body else seems to just get!

    Guv say’s he doesn’t mind if we don’t have children, that is doesn’t “bother” him and maybe sometimes it doesn’t BUT I see the way he looks at little kids we see in the shops etc and every time I catch that look on his face, I feel like a little bit more of a failure as a wife because I can’t give him that.

    For the record, even if I get to 70, I will never be able to admit that “maybe it won’t be me” – it’s not something I will ever have true peace with, even if it turns out to be true.

    I’m crossing EVERYTHING that 2013 is your year my darling sweet friend – if 2012 could be SSG’s year [did you see her announcement earlier this evening?!? SSG baby just snuck into 2012, to make it one sweet arse year for her and Mr SSG!], then 2013 can be yours.

    Love ya guts

    xxx

    • I hadn’t seen the arrival of SSG baby, naaaw, he’s adorable though. I agree. If it could be someone’s year, this one may as well be mine! Right back at you with the crossing thing. xox

  • Oh hunni, I do understand and I have everything crossed that this is your year. It makes me sad to see so many people who don’t deserve kids, have them and then more, while my friends (who would make wonderful parents) can’t conceive. I’m sure this is yours and Rach’s year.
    I have been with my new partner for nearly two years now and he would love more kids. I am lucky to be blessed with three gorgeous boys but when I had my last I had to have three rather large cysts removed from my ovaries and I had tubal ligation done, as my ovaries we damaged enough that it was a risk to have anymore children. As it was, Matthew was 6 weeks early. So unfortunately, I can’t give him the children he so wants.

    Love K x

    • It’s a hard thing to get your head around. Thanks for sharing your story with us. xo

  • Bev Williams-Krause

    Your heartfelt post does the opposite of offending me 🙂 Instead it touched me and brought back memories of feeling just like you do now.

    Most people’s fertility problems are different, for me I could conceive but not carry my babies (due to surgery). After many years of heartache and saying goodbye, my daughter was born. 12 weeks too early and weighing 1 kilo but I had my baby, we just had to keep her alive. With weeks of intensive care, alive she stayed! The first surviving baby from six. She was meant to be, she took her time to get here, the euphoria made the previous pain and heartache so much easier to cope with.

    I was given so much advice while waiting for my beautiful girl to arrive. Everyone meant well but not everyone understood the distress.

    So, hang in there girl, stay positive and believe its possible…I did!

    Happy 2013 🙂

    • Hanging in, absolutely. Thanks for sharing your story with us, and your daughters, what a gift she is. Happy New Year. xo

  • HumbirdsSong

    ♥♥

  • Oh honey *hug*

    I have a cousin, V, who hasn’t fallen yet, and every time someone else in my family announces that they’re pregnant, I’m equally thrilled for the new parents and gutted for V.

    I’ve been saying for weeks that 2013 is going to be a lucky number for SO many bloody people, I can feel it. I have all my fingers and toes crossed that it’s lucky for you, too xoxo

  • Nothing much to say, just sending you virtual hugs. xo <3

  • Patrick weseman

    Enjoy your time with your husband,

    Kids will change your life. I have two (both teen-agers now), my ex really wanted kids and then we had them. She did not deal well with the changes in our lives after we had them.

    Hopefully you will be blessed with a child this year because you sound like that you are ready for the positive changes that a child can bring into your lives.

    • Thank you Patrick, I do and I will continue to do so. He’s a wonderful man. You’re right, we are ready for the change and keen to get started. Fingers crossed. 🙂

  • Just giving you love and hugs and sending prayers into the universe that your dreams are answered. X

  • nikki

    My older sister has three, my younger sister has one & my hubby’s brother has 5 (three under 2). its hard for us & everyone is like oh it will be fine it will happen or the most recent comment – might as well plan your life as a childless one (like hubby’s cousin has although they chose not to have any)… I try not to dwell but when everyone seems to having them it sucks. hugs xxx

    • Sorry but I had to laugh, people are so weird when it comes to this stuff. First it’s you’re next with absolutely certainty and then it’s oh well if it happens it happens, then you would be FINE without them. A similar process we who are experiencing it first hand go through, I think. Good luck to you in 2013. xo

  • My heart goes out to you, and all I can say is, you’re not alone. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I hope you find peace with whatever life decides for you.

    • Thank you Cj. I hope I will too. There is a lot more peace around these days then there ever was before. xo

  • Yes, I can relate to this. It doesn’t seem fair.

  • NotCharming

    At 35 years of age I am starting to wonder the same thing… Two older sisters with 7 kids between them and two younger brothers with another 5… I just don’t understand how I’ve missed out. I hope we both get our answer this year. ((hugs))

    • We have 7 nieces and nephews with at least one more on the way. It’s a pointy edged gift to be surrounded by kids when you want them so badly yourself. They bring such joy and longing. Enjoy all those kidlets and I’ll keep my fingers firmly crossed for 2013 for you.

  • xx

  • Melissa Mitchell

    xxxx

  • Craftea Chic

    Yep I’m with you there 🙂 Here’s to 2013 being full of baby dust <3