I know a lot of people don’t like these sort of posts, see them as attention seeking or comment grabbing or whatever. But I don’t write this blog for them. I write it for me. Not to sound all up yours about it, but I do. I write for me. And today, this weekend in fact, I need to get rid of the swarming of voices in my mind. I need to purge myself of it in the only way I know how. I confess it here.

Watch out, don’t let it land on you.

You see there’s nothing like being sick with a side order of pain to make me want to turn inward and hold my Hubby close. Really close. Like snaked around his legs close. Nothing else matters. Small dramas out there. Large scale events of the world can wait until tomorrow to break my heart. I stop answering calls, I sleep and spend hours staring quietly and thinking.

Mostly I want reassurance that he loves me when I’m not confident and in control. When I’m sick, snotty and quite mean. I ask he. He obliges by telling me. Do you love me? Love me lots? Sick of me yet? Yes, yes, no he says time and time again. Patience never waiving. It’s a test. Add what can only be called insecurity about life in general at the moment and I’m a needy, freaked out person. You simply must love and appreciate me or I’ll lose my shit. Which, let’s face it, is so endearing. Said no one ever.

I battle this person and at the same time throw up my hands and let her run the show. She’ll be gone soon. Replaced with the well version of myself who is capable of anything. Is proud of that. She appreciates love but doesn’t beg for it. She is the one who looks after other people. Who doesn’t really ask for much. Strong, determined, committed, loyal. I’m sure there must be a level middle ground there, but try telling either me that. Both are quite vicious when you get down to it.

The good news is, I’ve got my 30 before 30 {2} item for tomorrow. Health. Because clearly if I wasn’t this healthy, I might have more to actually complain about and so, wouldn’t. Silver lining people, silver lining. I look forward to being well again. Celebrating that I’m about the lowest level of sick there is and getting some perspective to my whining.

It’ll come.

  • Don’t know what to say Mel, just… Don’t like seeing you not happy and Hope you are feeling better soon 🙂

  • Tracy Williams

    Oh yes, it will come back, the true self. Hugs 🙂
    There was a time I stripped bare to my family, cut back too much, when I returned the small world disappeared. Just a warning don’t hide for too long. Xo

    • Thanks Tracy, it won’t be too long I don’t think, already feeling more myself again today.

  • You’re not well, and you can’t expect to be your normal happy cheery self when you’re feeling crap. Tomorrow you’ll be feeling much more like yourself, and the next day after that. Rest up lovely. xx

    • Thanks so much Shelley. Voice of reason, of course. Today I do, and I’m looking forward to feeling even better tomorrow. xo

  • Sarah White

    It’s definitely hard to be ‘your best’ person when you are sick. You know you’ll be back to your good old self again but it often doesn’t make it easier when you’re in the thick of it.

    Sometimes it’s a good lesson when those, ahem, less than gracious parts of ourselves come out to play. Then it’s easier to see how damn great we are:)

    • The less gracious bits, oh yes. The whiney, the sooky, the weak. It’s not pretty. Thanks for the reminder Sarah. Feeling much better today.

  • river

    When I’m sick with a side order of pain, I just want to curl up in bed and be left alone. I don’t turn to anybody for comfort. I can’t. I don’t know how. I was too alone for much of my life, from age 8.
    Luckily I’m rarely sick enough to want to curl up in bed.
    I hope you are well again soon, it’s nice that your hubby indulges you with hugs and promises that he loves you when you need this. He’s a keeper!
    Get some sleep now.

    • Indulges is the exact right word River, I’m rather in need of indulging and he is rather indulgent. Luckily. I know what you mean about being alone though, I do like to sleep when I’m sick and I sleep best when I’m sick alone.

  • Melissa you are just a gift today! I have been avoiding the blog and hiding out from life. Lot’s of “stuff” has been happening recently and just the thought of getting on the blog and sharing general stuff when something much deeper is going on is a struggle right now. And you know what you’re so right it is your blog, and I now know what that means, how much you put of yourself into it, and yes you should never hesitate to say what YOU want, a valuable lesson for me as I haven’t even told anyone on the blog that we hope to go unconditional today and how stressful and hopeful those few words are!!
    keep being just you …snotty, vicious, gorgeous and a great friend…your hubby and we love you no matter what!
    ciao bella x

    • Well thank you Lisa. You know Kel and I are hoping with all our hope that this time is it for you guys. Stop hiding out, it never did anyone any good. Of course. Thank you. Miss you all. xox

  • Being sick really throws me about.
    I think you have courage to throw up your hands and let the vulnerable you run the show. That you have someone you can trust to show that side of you to and that you have that deep knowing they will give you what you need, not because they have to, but because they want to.

    • I love this comment so much I want to make babies with it. Well, you know, if I was capable! {Oooo, that’s awkward right?} Thoughtful and insightful, thanks Miss Pink. xo