Someone said to me recently that they preferred the online Suger. It cut me to the bone in a moment of weakness that enables the sharpest words said in anger and disappointment to seep through. I don’t blame them for saying it. The way I was behaving was gross. Maybe the shiny online version of me is too much to live up to. The best of ourselves sometimes is. That was never my intention. I aim to be real here.
The truth about me is that I’m ridiculously, irreparably, unavoidably flawed. I am a maker of big mistakes, taker of risk and sometimes a person of questionable morals. I can be the worst. The very worst. Hurtful and harmful and it’s not all that I am. But it’s there. It’s the ugliest of things and to be honest sometimes I wish those parts of me would go away. Far, far away.
But they don’t. Not all of them. Not forever.
The good news is that I am loved by people who know all about me. Alllll about me. People who shake their head, need to walk away from me for a moment and who kneel down and pick up the pieces gently and generously when they see that I broke it. I am allowed the space to make mistakes and they are there to remind me that the shiny, best version of me is real too. She’s just not here all the time. How could she be? Each of us are unique in our imperfection, it makes us real. Everyone has their thing.
Do I worry about being a disappointment? Yes. Of course. Have I lied, cheated, manipulated and done stupid things? Yes. Always awkwardly with the analytical side of my brain fighting hard against it. So I try harder. But I refuse to hide in the corner counting my indiscretions and flaws. The work I do here, the community I am in charge of, demands more of me. So I stand back up. Try again.
If I’ve learnt something from all of this it’s that we are all flawed. A little bit broken and foolhardy and that I should own that. Deal with the consequences, stand up and try again. So should you. And this, well this is an apology to that person. I’m sorry I let you down. That I disappointed you. I should never have done what I did and put you in the situation you were in. That was a mistake. A big, fat mistake.
I’m not perfect. And mostly I’m sorry if because of this blog you’re surprised.