Stigma + Miscarriage.

July 14, 2010

in My Hubby, TTC

I read this post; the latest addition in the Potty Mouthed Mama stigma collection. I felt my breath catch in my throat. I read the comments posted by women after women sharing her own experiences and I knew, that I had to go THERE again, and post my story too. Because of all the ridiculous things in the world to get weird about, to not talk about or share, miscarriage has to be the strangest to me.

I think maybe women feel defective in some way when miscarriage or still birth happens. We blame ourselves. What went wrong and why. I felt defective. Broken. And wondered what I could have done differently to save our baby. I know now that probably nothing would have changed the outcome. And that no amount of blame changes that there is no baby when there could have been.

Now… My story.

We had decided, quietly, so as not to draw attention to ourselves, to try for a baby. Serious, roll up your sleeves, there’s work to be done, try for a baby. And within a few months, we were pregnant. I peed on about four early pregnancy tests before I would agree to go to the doctors. It seemed so unreal. So simple. I felt pride and satisfaction at my awesome’ness as a baby bearing women.

We had barely confirmed the pregnancy with an ultrasound when my symptoms disappeared. I told Hubby something was wrong as I started to spot. It was a couple of days of spotting when on the third day I had cramps so bad I couldn’t stand up. I took myself to the hospital. I knew it was over. I was losing the baby. As I sat and waited (alone as my Hubby was at working driving) I started to think, maybe it wasn’t happening. Would they leave a women miscarrying her baby in the waiting room for 6 hours. Really?

I almost went home I had talked myself around that much.

And then they called me in. Wheeled me to ultrasound. Where a young man with a wand turned to me with more compassion than I had ever experienced from a complete stranger and said. I can see it but it won’t be there for long. I had already started the loss. I cried. And thanked him for his kindness. I was wheeled back to my cubicle to wait. Finally I walked out the door. To my car.

Knowing. It was over. And I had to call my Hubby and break his heart. He had wanted a baby for years. I got home and he arrived shortly after, having returned the truck in record time to be with me, and I fell into his arms and cried. It was over.

And we grieved together. We decided not to say anything as no one knew we were pregnant, no one knew we were trying. We decided to save them the pain of our loss. It was the next day when I caved and told my family. And having to call them and say ‘We were pregnant’ Happy noises! ‘… And I’m miscarrying’ Gasps was one of the hardest thing I have had to do. But it was cathartic in a way. And they gathered around us. All coming over to drink tea and look at family holiday photos together. They didn’t push or probe or whatever. They were just here. To support us. It was perfect. They were perfect.

We planned to try again. And we are still trying again. And again and again. 12 months later, in the month that we conceived last year and still no pregnancy. No baby. No answers. Sometimes it makes it hard, I think, as a baby would go a long way to healing some of those heartbreaks. To curing the feelings of defectiveness.  Some hope, some days would be nice. And so when it becomes too much. I blog about it. Share my anger and frustration and demoralization with the world. And the world shows me the love. The hope, that exists out there.

And I get to believe again. No matter how I felt before. 

And I have my Hubby. Just about the most supportive, tea offering, spirit raising, optimistic person on the face of this planet by my side. This time, this challenge that we are facing together is making us. Literally building a foundation that we will get to raise a family on. And for that, I will always be grateful to our child who didn’t stay.

  • Toni

    So beautifully written, Melissa — GOD I hope it happens for you soon.

  • seasidechik

    That was so well written. And gut wrenching. I wish I could have written about my experience with miscarriage as beautifully as you have here. I hope you get pregnant soon!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11563876931119584378 CindyC

    Just from reading this post I can tell you & your hubby are destined to raise a beautiful family. Have fun trying!!

  • Kakka

    Sorry Mel, I have been away and just read this today. Big Hugs to you and hubby, miscarriage is hard but your positive attitude as always shines through this post. I have faith that you will fall pregnant soon, and sometimes when you stop trying or focussing on getting pregnant it seems to happen. A friend of mine had tried for years, gave up, went travelling and fell pregnant within 2 months of leaving Aus. xxx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06147888501927922319 alliecat

    I am so sorry for your lost ittle one. A beautiful, sad and also uplifting post. I wish you a healthy pregnancy and baby very soon xx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07569263518211413877 Recursively

    Well, my mom always told me, when you miscarry, it is natures way of telling you that something wasn't right. It's okay to be sad about it though! Certainly, hope and encouragement are the most buoyant of emotions, and may you feel a little lighter today. I know God has little ones in store for both you and for me, and here's to ten years and counting, with oodles of hope and excitement for the future!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07219272193124932806 PinkPatentMaryJanes

    Oh Melissa, my heart aches for you. I know how it feels. You have fallen pregnant, and you will again – with a lovingly received baby the result. Great big hugs to you xx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09478127425457752300 Elecat

    Hmmm…. I think what Kakka is saying is that maybe you need to go on a holiday. Well, that's not QUITE what she was saying but that's a good idea anyway, right? :) How do you NOT think about it though. Everyone says that and I guess it's true because your body is probably more relaxed or something… (yes, I know, I should've been a doctor, lol!) Hope that soon you're whinging about how you can't sleep in anymore, your boobs hurt and that you seriously can't remember where you just put the washing powder that you JUST had in your hand… (Oh, there it is: in the fridge.) :)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08839175367638892693 Rianna

    I thought I posted earlier – but here I go again… Much, much love. And your honesty, makes me honest. xoxo

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02072304081006798910 Lucy

    Mel, I do not have the right words. xxx

  • Cate P

    Well done for writing about your experience. It's been 20 years today since my miscarriage and there aren't too many people in the whole world who know the details, it's not something we discuss freely.Writing is a good way to share.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13933191141338188027 Miss Ruby

    I'm so sorry for your loss.Miscarriage is still a subject that few are willing to either acknowledge or talk about, it's easier to just sweep it under the carpet and not be faced with discussing the loss of a baby, the loss of dreams, of life, of what could have been.I've had 8 miscarriages, each one hurting more than the last. We've been trying to get knocked up and stay knocked up for 11 years now and if I'm honest I'm not sure we'll ever hold a live Bubba in our arms.I wish you well on your ttc journey and hope motherhood is not too far away for you.xxxx

  • http://mrsbcshouseofchaos.blogspot.com/ Mrs BC

    Melissa this made me cry – I’m so sorry for your loss, for the difficulty, for the elusiveness of your goal. I truly wish you & Kel some success. I’ve got a feeling you will get there.
    Hugs
    xx

    • http://sugercoatit.com Melissa {Suger}

      Thank you. Thank you very much. I hope you’re right. :) M xo

  • Amy

    There’s so much pain here, and I wish so much that you never had to write this post- or any of the others.

    It seems so unfair.

    • http://sugercoatit.com Melissa {Suger}

      The best part about writing it, is that it lives here, not on my heart. Most days. It gets to stay filed away as this day I had once.

      Indeed it does.

  • Moni77

    I’m so sorry to read about your loss. You’re right, miscarriage and baby loss is such a taboo subject and it shouldn’t be. I personally have lost 2 beautiful little boys over the last 10 months, Sebastian at 21 weeks gestation 4 days before Christmas, and his little brother Jude, at 20 weeks 6 weeks ago. So many people take having babies for granted. It’s not easy for many of us. However, this does not make us defunct of any less of a mumma. I will be having surgery to hopefully make it happen for me in 12 months time. I pray you get your chance too. can feel your desire and love in your words. Glad you have a wonderful husband. They help us hold it all together. Sending you lots of baby dust xxx

    • http://sugercoatit.com/ Melissa Walker Horn

      Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your story with me. What a huge loss you have suffered. Unimaginable. All the very best in the coming year. xox

  • Craftea Chic

    Very brave of you to share xo I think its much more common than most people realise. Getting pregnant and staying pregnant seem to be such a miracle – and for some such a journey to get there. Lots of Baby Sticky Dust for you xo

    • http://sugercoatit.com/ Melissa Walker Horn

      Thank you. I think so too. Until you know someone or have been through it yourself you just don’t see them out there. I appreciate the wishes. Thank you. xo

  • Loz585

    I came accross your blog today, which I surely should not be reading at work, as I am now a bit of a blubber. For me, it has been 12 years since I miscarried, I still think of her often, most days. Though now I am blessed with a very intelligent, kind and beautiful two year old. My little person whom I never take for granted. I feel for you, but I hold hope in my heart that you will be blessed again too x

    • http://sugercoatit.com/ Melissa Walker Horn

      Thank you. So much. I hope so too. xo

  • Miranda

    Hello, I just came across your Blog. I too had a miscarriage. It was tough and hurt like a …….(insert cuss word here). I wanted to tell you a fraction of my story. Well, my boyfriend and I have been together for 12 years now and have an almost 4 year old. We were together for 8 years before we conceived. We just always left it up to fait. After many years we had both come to grips with the fact that we weren’t meant to be parents together…(He already had a daughter from a previous relationship so, I thought I was the “broken” one). We seperated for about 3 months and I got pregnant with the “New Guy”. Completely crushed (that it happened now and not before)! I actually miscarried that baby. My ex (and current “baby daddy”) took care of me and 6 months later we were expecting. So, through a strange series of events things worked out! Never give up hope. Things really do work out :)

    • http://sugercoatit.com/ Melissa Walker Horn

      Thank you for sharing Miranda. I do, despite my best efforts to convince myself otherwise, that life happens as it was planned. Your story is another little piece fo proof that this is so.

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