I love silence.

Quiet makes me happy.

Uninterrupted moments of no sound.

Soft breezes and cooling afternoons are everything, on a scale of one to everything.

But as I sit, quietly, in the quiet it’s there.

A reminder.

A taunt.

That it should be noisy here by now.

A child.

Or two.

Perhaps we should have even gotten a pet by now.

Rather than Ellie who we have to give back.

Another thing to give back.

Another thing that’s not ours.

Another thing we don’t have.

But then, in the quiet, I am reassured. Quieted.

I hear it clearly, just like when it directs me to pick up my keys just before I lock them in the car. My intuition. My guide. My inner knowing. My whatever the heck you want to call it. It says quietly to me, do what you have to and you’ll have what you want. It might as well have whispered in my ear. I hear it perfectly. And I know. That when I’m ready, I’ll have what I want. I trust it in the way that now I stop all other things to do as it says when it comes to the little things. It’s a source of faith for me now. I might just be believing in myself.

My voice, hasn’t once failed to warn me when I was about to lock my keys in the car. Why would it fail me now.

3 years and counting.

  • http://twitter.com/5LittleReasons Danielle

    Thinking of you hun.  x

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Thanks. :)

  • http://www.ubersimplicity.blogspot.com Leanne @ Uber Simplicity

    Big hugs my Sweet xx

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      I’ll take them, thank you. xo

  • Dorothy @ Singular Insanity

    I love silence, but I’m sorry that yours is for all the wrong reasons.  I hope you get your wish soon….  Hugs…

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Oh me too. Hoping it’s not so constant though one day. Fingers crossed.

  • Amy Rea

    Love to you Melissa x

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Thank you. xo

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Gillian-James/1144267400 Gillian James

    Much Love to you x x 

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Thanks Gill. xo

  • My Vintage Vow

    Hugs, hugs, hugs.
    That voice is the greatest gift you have, keep trusting it.

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      I’m going to do just that. Thank you. xo

  • BouncyBrittonie

    I always cherish and wish for silence, but when it comes, I never really want it anymore. My ears hurt from the sound of… silence!

    I wish you the very very best with everything else, and I hope we all get our wishes one day.

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Thank you so much. For you too, my dear. xo

  • Jenn

    It seems wrong to wish for noise and disruption for someone but I hope you get your wish soon. 

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      No really, wish away! ;)

  • Kim

    I’m so sorry that you have silence right now when you would like a little noise. Praying for you, Melissa. Praying that a bubba will be yours very, very soon xxx Hey, what about this for a little teeny bit of noise right now though: I’ve listed you as one of my fave bloggy fixes over at my blog! You so are!!

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Thank you. :)

      Oooo. And thank you. I’ll be right over.

  • http://mrsbcshouseofchaos.blogspot.com.au/ Mrs BC

    Hugs to you. xx
    Your intuition is powerful & strong, just like you! If you believe it, it will happen. Promise.
    x

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Thank you. I like this, my intuition is strong. So I’m going to go with it. xo

  • http://mrsbcshouseofchaos.blogspot.com.au/ Mrs BC

    Hugs to you. xx
    Your intuition is powerful & strong, just like you! If you believe it, it will happen. Promise.
    x

  • http://river-driftingthroughlife.blogspot.com/ river

    Fix these “uninterrupted moments of no sound” firmly in your mind, so you can draw on them for strength when your kids are playing noisy games and it’s raining cats and dogs so you can’t send them outside……

  • http://river-driftingthroughlife.blogspot.com/ river

    Fix these “uninterrupted moments of no sound” firmly in your mind, so you can draw on them for strength when your kids are playing noisy games and it’s raining cats and dogs so you can’t send them outside……

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      I will. This is great actually. It will give me something when it just gets too quiet. Something to imagine. Thanks River.

  • Becky from BeckyandJames

    Sending you light and love and hope that you soon will have what you desire.  Keep listening to that voice x

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Thank you. And I will.

  • http://twitter.com/trob_66 Tony Roberts

    You are right Mel, It will happen when its right. I truly believe that! its not easy in the meantime, but all I can say is make the most of time with hubby, cause when it gets noisy, it gets noisy!!! lol Hugs :)

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Thanks Tony. For the faith and for the wise words. :)

  • linda

    Silence is golden… sometimes.  Praying right now, that this is the year!

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      Thank you. 

  • http://anythingeverythinginbetween.blogspot.com Kel

    Sending you hugs and baby vibes, hun. You will be an amazing parent x

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      I think so too. Thank you. 

  • http://stink-bomb.blogspot.com/ stinkb0mb

    i wish i could say something meaningful like your other commentators – “It will happen when its right.” or “If you believe it, it will happen. Promise.” but i can’t and you know why i can’t.

    i’m the result no one wants to think about, no one wants to know could happen to them, does happen for some of us.

    i truly HOPE it doesn’t for you but the reality is i never thought it would for me and yet it has, i’ve ended up the story no one ttc wants to think will happen to them.

    so why am i posting this comment, instead of one filled with stuff like “oh you’ll make such a good mum one day and you WILL be one, one day” or “it will happen when it’s meant to happen” or “if you want it bad enough, you’ll get it”? quite simply because i wish someone would have told me, when we were at year 3 of ttc, or year 5 or year 8, that hey no matter how great a mum i would make, no matter how much i keep thinking it will happen when it’s meant to or how badly i want it – it just might not happen, then maybe when it didn’t, i wouldn’t have been so shell shocked.

    you WILL make a great mum – there is no denying this.
    it may happen when the time is right – or it may not, i of course, hope for the former for you.
    yes pour your hopes into it, yes pin your dreams onto it but not all of them. while you’re striving towards the dream of motherhood, make sure your life is fabulous without, just in case….

    love ya guts

    ~x~

    • Melissa Walker Horn

      I hear you Rach. For sure. Thank you. 

      Like I said to you on twitter I have started to face this fact in some small way. A way that has me in a place of still trying. I cannot fathom what it is like for you to have put an end to your journey. To have cut the tie and be moving on. But rest assured, the one thing I WILL continue to do is live my life fully now, with what I have now. Thanks for your honesty. xo