This post started as an idea here. This post isn’t even really about Lori. It’s not even about abortion. This post is about me. Lori’s post bought something so sharply to the surface for me I had to address it here, in my place for addressing such things. As I sat in a cafe reading Lori’s experience, my overwhelming emotional response was resentment*. My thoughts clouded by resentment. Single-minded in their focus. Resentment  pounded loudly in my ears until I had tears prickling my eyes.

But you see, at the moment, resentment isn’t saved for one topic or person in particular. I resent anyone who falls pregnant easily. I resent people falling pregnant at all. I resent people who successfully carry babies. I resent people with children. I resent being told I’m next. The other day I resented someone who had been trying for kids almost as long as we have for falling pregnant BEFORE I did. Even 6 months ago I would have celebrated a victory like that. Now, I resent it.  I resent people. Full stop. 

Three years trying for a baby is apparently as far as I could make it without being overwhelmed by it. Resentful. FULL of resent. Full of bullshit anger at anyone who mentions a onesie. I narrow my eyes and DARE THEM to say something. For me resentment comes right alongside anger. Impatience went out the door ages ago and now I’m dealing with the big fat what if. The what if it NEVER happens for me. I’m told it’s a grieving process. One of stages. One of letting go. And we all know how hard it is for me to let go.

And it occurred to me, as I read Lori’s post, that resentment is a little bit disgusting. I sat there close to tears with frustration thinking of  pregnancies, babies, abortions, losses, big happy families. And for a moment I could almost make myself believe that there was less babies out there, less chances for me. A chance taken. A chance lost. I willed myself to believe this, mostly so I could be angry. So I could place my anger on someone else’s shoulders. It was THEIR fault I haven’t had my chance. THEY TOOK IT. They stole it from me and that chance is gone.

But I couldn’t make myself believe it. I don’t believe that. I believe in an infinite universe. I believe in opportunity. So resentment can come. Anger can come. Whatever else that this process has for me can come. And I will keep a watchful eye out for my window of opportunity. Even if it’s a crack. My chance. And until then, I will be honest with my feelings in the same way Lori was honest about hers. Not to say it’s right or wrong but just to say, it is what it is. Then maybe someone, somewhere, won’t feel alone in their experience.

Or maybe, you’ll resent me for saying it. That’s ok too.

*I love Lori, have read her blog for a million years, don’t mistake what I am actually saying for what you think I am saying. That’s important.   

  • Hugs ‘Liss. Big squishy boob squashing hugs.
    xx

  • It was just over 3 years for me to reach this same point. It stays with me even now with healthy, happy 5 and 2yo’s in the house.
    It was just under 8 years from my start, when I finally got to welcome the Little Man into the World. I so hope you dont have to wait as long, feeling this way. It sux, especially the knowing it is irrational but feeling it anyway part.

    Hugs.
    Sxx

    • Especially because of that, the irrational thing. Thanks Sam. xo

  • Sarah

    Big hugs to youxx.

    Like you said, the resentment just is. My wish is that it wasn’t that way for you because it will only make you suffer needlessly. I read once that the opposite of resentment is forgiveness but I’m not sure if that means yourself or the people you are resentful of. Maybe it doesn’t matter.

    • Thanks Sarah. Maybe that’s the key, the pathway out. xo

  • I’m sending you much positive energy and love across the intergoogle waves. x x x x

  • Simone – honeyandfizz

    Sending big hugs to you. They are your feelings and you have a right to them. After going through ivf, we have been lucky enough to be blessed with 2 boys and another on the way. I never take this or them for granted.
    I remember feeling the same way you do while we were trying to get pregnant. Even now I never complain about the kids, lack of sleep etc because I know how lucky we are to have them and how many people would love to be in our position. Being pregnant now I am even conscious of how often I blog or facebook about my pregnancy as I remember the feelings this used to bring up for me when I would see other posts whilst trying to get pregnant xx

    • I think the markings of this process, this journey stay with us. I know most people say that. Congratulations on your boys. Thanks for the hugs. xo

  • Nothing wrong with your post. Absolutely nothing. xx

  • Thanks for sharing. I can’t empathise, but I do admire you for sharing your story, feelings and thoughts!

  • stinkb0mb

    i read Lori’s post this morning.

    in the car.

    between clients.

    i’m glad i did because it meant i didn’t have the opportunity to be angry, to let that anger build rapidly and then carry it around with me all day.

    it meant that i read it, i acknowledged her words – THANKED HER BEYOND WORDS, IN MY HEAD, FOR HER WRITING HER SECOND LAST PARAGRAPH – FOR ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD IT MUST HAVE BEEN FOR SOME OF US TO READ IT – mentally wrote a reply in my head, closed the browser, closed my phone, put it in my bag and continued on with my day.

    i’m all for choice. i would never judge someone on their choice when it came to abortion – it’s such a personal decision and i don’t believe anyone [aside from perhaps the father] but the mother should be involved in making it.

    yet do i still feel cheated when i hear of people having abortions because they fell pregnant by accident? fucking oath i do. that’s not down to them though, that’s down to the fact that the Universe is a mother fucking son of a bitch and denied me the ability to have children, for reasons unknown and yes i’m bitter, i’m angry and feel so much less of person because of just this one thing i cannot do.

    i would never want abortion to be made illegal, it is not up to anyone to feel they have the right to tell a woman what she can and cannot do with her own body but i do wish perhaps the option of having the child and putting him/her up for adoption was considered by more women. there are thousands upon thousands of couples out there who would love these unplanned children in a heartbeat.

    lastly – to ANYONE who has had an abortion – if you find yourself getting a negative reaction from someone who has suffered from infertility, baby/pregnancy loss or who cannot have their own children – KNOW that their reaction, their feelings, more than likely will NOT be about you, they will be about the shitty hand they’ve been dealt.

    fabulous post Mel, found myself nodding in agreement the whole way through.

    ~x~

  • Lots a love to you, lovely Melissa. I don’t know what to say except I hear you and I can’t imagine the frustration and anger and resentment you must feel. It’s probably nothing like what you’re feeling but when my mum died, I was 18, and for about 2 or so years I felt resentment towards anyone who had their mum still with them and even more resentment when I heard them bitch about their mum. It was hard times. Thankfully it passed but it hurt at the time, lots. (((((hug))))))

    • Thank you. I imagine it feels pretty darn similar. And that is a loss I cannot imagine for myself. xo

  • Kat

    That post was so hard to read. (hers not yours, although I can relate to both.)
    What incredibly strong and brave women you both are to write about a topic that so many would never dare to share.
    Sadly the circumstances of abortion are still too taboo even in our own seemingly forward and compassionate society to talk openly about and there will always be so much stigma attached to those who’ve had to make that kind choice. I feel this in itself can make it so hard for those who’ve been in this position to grieve and move on.

    What we must keep in mind is that we all have our own crosses to bear, whatever those crosses may be.
    And, yes Stinkbomb, the Universe can be a complete and utter son-of-a-bitch. It gives to those who are not capable to care for those dear little souls and then deprives those who are ready and waiting with open hearts and arms.
    I wonder about the injustice of it all on a daily basis…

    • Thank you. I think we need to tell it as it is. Otherwise there will be women out there who feel like the devil incarnate for feeling this way. Thinking it’s just them. That they’re horrible. Isolated. Alone. I couldn’t bear all that, just because I was afraid to tell people how it really is for me. Sometimes. xo

  • Kat

    Good point. So true but very brave none the less.
    I take courage in examples like these every day – I don’t need to tell you but I will;
    you’re an inspiration xox

    • Thank you. And I’m glad. That makes it worth the gut wrenching moment of hitting publish. 🙂

  • Your resentment is completely understandable.
    (It rivals my resentment of people who win the lotto instead of me, which is very shameful of me, I know, after all it’s only money, but dammit! I want some of that kind of luck!)
    I just want to say please don’t ever let the resentment take over to the point where you are hiding in your room rocking in a corner…..

    • stinkb0mb

      i do not believe you are alone in your resentment for people who win the lotto LOL!!

    • I worry about it taking over. I’m sure thought that should it start to win, my Hubby will pull me out or find someone that can do it for him. 🙂

      And the lotto thing, of yes!

  • Mel sweet darling you are are such an amazing strong soul and you have done a great service to others and especially to yourself by putting these words out there. I understand elements to what you’ve said from my own experiences, but clearly not all……because all our journeys are so different. I read Lori’s post and to be honest I had to skim in sections because at times it is all to hard for me to be reminded of our four babes we have loved and lost. Furthermore sometimes the smallest things can be triggers for my PTSD from losing Elle and Meg.

    Stinkbomb I am thankful for your last paragraph “lastly – to ANYONE who has had an abortion – if you find yourself getting a negative reaction from someone who has suffered from infertility, baby/pregnancy loss or who cannot have their own children – KNOW that their reaction, their feelings, more than likely will NOT be about you, they will be about the shitty hand they’ve been dealt.”

    Although I have had my losses (and who knows if there will be more…..i friggin hope not), we have been lucky to have our now nearly 3 year old son and one year old daugher. I have resentments too, there just different resentments. When I’m in a worldwind with my PTSD flaring up I resent those who have twins, I resent those who haven’t had a loss or a another loss and another loss beating them down. Not that I would wish a loss on anyone, but it’s those people (well some of them) that have all the advice in their superior tone.

    At the end of the day I’m not against abortion, I understand it’s a choice some have to make. The bottom line is, I am just not comfortable hearing about it because it hurts me too much……but thats all about me an my feelings and my journies and my efforts to protect me.

    Mel I just want to send you love and you keep on doing what you’re doing, being open with how you’re feeling. You are loved, more than you possibly realise by us your readers, your community. We want to be there for the good, the bad the otherwise. Much love. x

    • Thank you Trudie for sharing and for the kind words and wishes. xo

  • Lady Fabulous

    Resentment has been my companion for so long that I don’t even remember when it first showed up. Probably around the time my sister who never ever wanted a child fell pregnant.

    Resentment doesn’t choose, resentment isn’t picky. It spreads its poison all around you and takes some of the magic in your soul as payment.

    5 1/2 years, and slowly, resentment is making way for acceptance. Tearful acceptance, but acceptance nonetheless. I don’t know which one is worse.

    • Painful but true. Magic and faith is the cost. Hugs to you. Thank you. xo

      • Kath

        Hugs to all of you, society is cruel in its expectations, life is hard when we can’t meet those ‘expectations ‘ I really feel for you all on this terribly difficult journey. Love & light to you all
        Kath

  • I’m sorry if i’ve ever made you feel resentful Suger.
    What i will say is that in my experience resentment is not an entirely bad thing. I think we need to let ourselves feel resentful, or jealous or utterly, morbidly depressed sometimes so that when we do have the good things come our way we can fully appreciate them.
    Like – if all we ever had were sunny days, would we love and appreciate them as much? Probably not – sometimes, as humans, i think we need the rain days to remind us just how awesome the sunshine truely is.
    Hope that makes sense, and thanks for your bravery in being so honest x

    • If it makes any sense, you have never made me do anything. The resentment comes from me. You could have walked by and smiled and I could have resented you. It’s just the way it rolls.

      An excellent point. Rainy days certainly make me appreciate the sunny ones.

  • Melissa

    OMG! You mean I’m not alone.
    I know my brain tells me I shouldn’t be feeling this but my heart can’t help it. So my brain is letting my heart off…..My head beats my heart up enough I think.
    You are stronger than I am. I only lasted 12 months…..but I really think it has amped up in the past couple of months. Let the testing games continue!
    It is weird though….if you already have a child and fall pregnant the resentment isn’t there. Being surrounded in real life by people in their mid to late 30’s who have smoked and done other stuff, falling pregnant…..does NOT go down well. I will most likely stop reading your blog if you fall pregnant before me…..I know you will understand. Misery loves company?
    My employer offers 6 hours free counselling for work and personal life stuff…..thinking I need to make an appointment…..

    • A generous offer from your employer, I’d take it. Even if just to have a pure 6 hours to talk about yourself.

      Hugs and luck to you as you go through all this. And I would understand. I’d wish you were still here, but I’d understand. I’m going to be the most respectfully, grateful and big mouthed mumma out there. That’s going to be hard to watch. xo

  • SamanthaC

    Thank you for sharing what must be an incredibly hard thing to discuss. xxx

    • You’re welcome. It certainly felt nauseating to hit publish, that’s for sure.

  • Amy Johnson

    This has been open on my screen for hours now, trying to think of the right words to say. I’m one of those people who fell pregnant easily, has two healthy children after two healthy pregnancies. I have a lot of respect for you for putting this out there- sometimes, I feel the pain and anger steaming off people who resent or are jealous of this part of our life, and I wish they’d just say something about it so we could all stop tiptoeing around the elephant in the room.

    Thanks for standing up on a difficult issue.

    • Thanks Amy. I think that friends in particular should be able to share that, rather than let it become an issue in the relationship. I said to Kate once that I hoped it was ok with her that I was SO jealous of her four boys. She said of course, that she was jealous of me having a career/vocation. Such is life. And resentment is just an emotion. It doesn’t exist like people exist. Does that make sense?

      I appreciate you taking the time. Lots.

  • It’s amazing how people react to things, how some things can make us resent people, even though we know it’s our problem not their fault. It’s something within us. I still find at times I resent people with babies, especially around the time I had my miscarriage. I think the important thing is, that you realise it, you acknowledge that that is what you are feeling, and that you can talk about it. There are still some topics that are taboo, and somethings I often wish I had the strength to write about, but society puts so many labels and too many people say ‘ohh, that’s not to be talked about openly’, that i’m scared to. You are a strong woman, and I really wish you all the best.

    • Like I said on one of the comments above, I believe it’s necessary to speak up and out about these things. For the sake of those suffering along.
      Thank you Nat. And thanks for sharing. I’m sorry to hear of your loss. xo

  • Sheri Bomb

    Sug. My delicious bloggy treat.

    I read this yesterday and am still not sure I’ve found the right words but I wanted to say something.

    I feel SO guilty all the time because I absolutely do not want kids. Maybe I’m just not ready yet? I don’t know. I don’t know if it will ever happen. But it’s not something I can see in my future for quite a while. So the thought of falling pregnant is rather ghastly to me. And THAT is what makes me feel so guilty. Because I know what a painful struggle it is for you and others like you who would give almost anything for that to happen. And it’s not you that makes me feel guilty. It’s me. Because I love you.

    I don’t know if any of that makes sense? I guess I am just saying that I understand that emotions come from a place inside you and are rarely soley born from other people and their circumstances.

    It actually weirds me out sometimes how much love I feel for you. It’s a really awesome thing. But sometimes I trip out thinking that this person I know from the internet who I haven’t spent nearly enough time with in real life means so much to me. But ya do.

    And I know there isn’t really much I can say or do to make you feel better about any of this, as much as I wish there was. But know there is A LOT of love. And I hope that will be enough for now. xoxoxox

    • It makes perfect sense. All of it. Thanks again for an amazing contribution to this page.

      Love you too. M xo

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  • Melissa

    Totally understand these emotions. It took us 13years to have a successful pregnancy. You are very brave.

  • Kath

    Hi Suger and all, I’ve had a few really bad things happen in my life, but then haven’t most people? What I’ve learned, not just from you but from long experience is that you have 2 choices – wallow in your misery, grouch, feel put upon and unloved, send that vibe of jealousy and joylessness to all, and watch that negativity come back to you . or let every day be a good one. Every day is, every day something good, funny or fulfilling comes along. Every day you see something that makes you laugh or at least smile. If you are positive life is positive, good things (no not lottery wins) but real good things come. I’m 70 I’ve lived an interesting and mostly fulfilling life, I’ve buried my only child and my husband, been conned out of everything by somebody I thought I could trust. But no one can take away my friends, my sewing, book groups and all the other things that make life worth living. Every day is a gift. Embrace it

    • Thank you for sharing Kath, it’s always great to have a reminder like what you’ve been through to remind us that there is always a different way to look at things. A path to take that leads to fulfillment and happiness in any circumstances.