Mr & Mrs Suger Coat It.jpg

I write often about the funny things that happen in my relationship. The silly things Hubby does or the annoying. Sometimes I’ll break character and share something sweet like the way he always kisses me goodbye in the mornings even if I’m asleep. I was thinking about all of that the other day. Today. Thinking that the fun, the sweetness and the laughter don’t really cover off one main thing.

Relationships are hard. Marriage is the worst.

I don’t know about you but for me the very idea of being married, belonging to someone else FOREVER was a tricky concept to grasp. I wasn’t a girl who dreamed of her husband or future wedding. I never planned for children or a household to manage or anything. Yet another case of me missing the ‘girl gene’. So nothing surprised me more than falling in love and wanting to marry.

A time went on the shock of actually wanting to commit my life to someone wore off and I settled into the relationship. We found a balance and constantly looked at ways to make it work. I cannot imagine that I am an easy person to be married to. I don’t think anyone is. We laughed, cried, fought and spent those horrible times silent when no one would say a thing.

More and more I came to realise that this marriage was for life. I was talking to a friend, telling her that Hubby and I had been married for 10 years next year and that it was AGES. Such a long time. Soooo long. Ages. She just laughed at me and said ‘honey, you’ve got a long way to go yet’. And it hit me. I do. A long time. A long, long, long time. God-willing.

And for me, that’s why marriage is the worst.

I’m great at relationships, I’m particularly good at type that ebb and flow and rise and fall. I like space to do my own thing and be on my own. That’s how I have always made friendships, relationships with my family and colleagues work. You can’t do that in marriage and have any sort of success long-term. I’ve found that to be married successfully you have to be all in. Open and free with communicating the good and bad and never have one foot out the door. You need to be together.

Hubby and I have found a good balance. We certainly aren’t the couple that spends all our time together. That works for some people. You know who you are. I think that it’s the finding of what works for you that is the most important. For me there has been no winning formula that I have been told or shown as an example that perfectly works for us. We found a way that works for us and that my friends is what it is all about.

Otherwise it’s a long, long, long, LONG time to be trying to make something fit into an idea you have of marriage. And in my experience, those who are having ‘the perfect’ marriage, with ‘the formula and lots of judgemental lines in the sand about what makes a marriage ‘good enough’ are the people who find themselves in situations where they can’t forgive the small things. Can’t look at their partner as a whole person with flaws and faults and will one day have that bite them on the butt.

Don’t be that person. Find your way. YOUR WAY. Just work together, keep your feet firmly planted in your relationship and don’t sweat the small stuff. It is, after all, all small stuff. Most of all find a way to be married that works for you both and have fun creating a relationship just like that. Do it with lots of love. And sex, always lots of sex. Haha.

Got a marriage tip for us? Did you take to marriage easily or was it something you had to learn? 

  • stinkb0mb

    I could have easily written the start of this post. I NEVER wanted to get married, NEVER wanted children. Went to England with grand plans to spend quite a few years traveling and spreading my wings. Meeting Guv online, a few weeks after arriving in England, nixed those plans! Damn him! I fell quickly, I fell hard and we moved swiftly – engaged within 3 weeks of starting to date, married 11 months later.

    Falling in love with Guv, kick started my maternal gene too – I wanted children now, with him because of loving him. Damn him again!

    I think where people fall down when it comes to marriage, is that they expect it to be all sunshine and fairy floss and when it’s not, they struggle. Marriage, like all relationships, takes work and it has it’s ups and downs. Also, what you put into it, you usually get out of it, though I know that there are exceptions. The key is work through your problems because you will have them, even the happiest of relationships/marriages do, Guv and I certainly have, we’ve been through hell and back but we walked there together, supported each other and made it out together.

    And you’re right, 10 years IS a long time LOL, I remember when we’d been married 10 years thinking sheesh! We’ve been married 15 years next year and that just blows my mind!

    Here’s to another 50+ eh?!

    x

    • http://www.sugercoatit.com/ Melissa Walker Horn

      Here’s to another 50+ indeed. Thanks for sharing your story here Rach. Always such a pleasure. Damn him and that maternal gene kicking. Haha.

  • Helen

    Well said…we celebrated 20 years this year…lots of ups and downs…nasty fights ..good times.. 3 kids.. I look at him and think wow… now I really know what love is …but as I get older I start to think of our time left together…I don’t ever want it to be over…X

    • http://www.sugercoatit.com/ Melissa Walker Horn

      Naaaaaw Helen, I love this. That’s about it, right? Lovely.

  • http://surelysarah.blogspot.com/ Surely Sarah

    “Don’t sweat the small stuff” may be the cheesiest but most wise saying ever. So true! Marriage is a long time, you GOT to be able to let stuff go! And yes, the sex part is also true :)

    • http://www.sugercoatit.com/ Melissa Walker Horn

      It really is, right? Great {super cheesy} advice. And derrr, of course the sex stuff is true!

  • http://www.middleagedmama.com.au/ Janet aka Middle Aged Mama

    I found the first year of marriage the hardest in a lot of ways – I’d lived on my own for about 3 years beforehand & suddenly had to consider another person!!! We’ve now been married 24 years and it just gets better and better :-)

    • http://www.sugercoatit.com/ Melissa Walker Horn

      I hear you, we hubby’s Dad was diagnosed with cancer after our wedding and passed away just days before our first anniversary. It taught us a lot about who we could be for each other and compromise. I imagine all first years look the same in some variation.

  • ckim

    i am an extrovert who married an introvert and our rule of thumb is “i won’t make you go anywhere and you can’t stop me from going anywhere”. it works for us! and if people only KNEW how important the sex part is, like you mentioned, they’d be better off! :)

    • http://www.sugercoatit.com/ Melissa Walker Horn

      Yes! I used to think I was an extrovert but I don’t think I am. We’ve had a very similar rule in place since we started living together. It works for us and means we have different interests which is just fine by me.

  • http://noise.chifleybasement.com/ Shelby Wright

    Mr Wright and I have sidestepped the whole thing by not actually getting married! People still call him my husband though, and we’ve been together for over 17 years so I think that’s close enough :D

    • http://www.sugercoatit.com/ Melissa Walker Horn

      Haha. Well played! And 17 years with the one person is 17 years making a relationship work. Close enough indeed. ;)

  • http://extralargeaslife.com/ Natalie Mulford

    Such interesting thoughts, as I’ve never been married. I was with my ex 6 years, and boy can relationships be hard. I stayed longer in that one then I should have, but I at least now have the piece of mind to know that I did everything I could to try and make it work. I’m flying down to Melbourne next week to ‘play house’ with my new man. We’ve been together 9 months, but as it’s long distance, the longest time we’ve spent together is 2 weeks. His housemate is overseas, so I’m going down for 6 weeks to see how we go living together, It’s a pretty intimidating thought! /rambling.

    • http://www.sugercoatit.com/ Melissa Walker Horn

      For me it was hard to get my head around the idea of marriage, Hubby being one of the only long term relationships in my life. Friends included. I had to learn how to relate to another person, rely on them and love them unconditionally. That took some adjustment and most of it I discovered in my marriage, some people find the same lessons elsewhere.

      Firstly all the very best of luck to you my friend! I’m sure the two of you will have a wonderful 6 weeks and get to know LOTS about each other.

  • Mahina Hathaway

    We got married in March. 8 years together before that. It felt like we were married before we actually had the wedding. We were both committed and what felt different about this relationship was how we trust each other to give and take. We’re one of those couples who spends A LOT of time together. We love being together. We can work together all day, and then go out together to unwind, and it works for us. We’re also very honest with each other. Our flaws are right out there on the relationship table with our virtues. And I totally agree with what you said about doing it your way. Only you and your other half know what being in your relationship is like. Others can offer opinions, and when it comes down to it, you two are the ones who have to live in it so you need to figure out what works for you two as a unit.
    PS I do love being married, and my ring is sooooooo pretty!

    • http://www.sugercoatit.com/ Melissa Walker Horn

      Like I said to Nat below, I found my way to relate to people IN my marriage, others do it outside of marriage or in completely different platonic relationships. Whatever works!

      I think loving spending time together can win over a lot of things, I’d even go as far as to say most things. There’s joy in that, memories and a future created then and there. That my friend, is the key for me and you know all about it by the sound of things.

      p.s. BAAAHAHA. I love that. I still feel the same way about mine all these years later. x

  • Sarah Collins

    I’m not married, but I’m engaged and we’ve been living together for … gosh two years now, and we only met two and a half years ago! I feel like in some ways we’re already married just not on paper haha :) It has not been easy, neither of us are easy people to live with and we both have our faults and problems. But we’ve never had a fight that’s lasted more than a day. We disagree and yell and all that, but after a cooling off period one of us will always go to the other and apologise and work it out. I think because we both realize that whatever it was is not as important as the other person. Now we have a kid on the way and things are about to get so much more real! But I know we can do it :)

    • http://www.sugercoatit.com/ Melissa Walker Horn

      For sure, finding your way to commit to someone is a lesson all of its very own. Hubby and I knew each other 8 weeks when we moved 800km south together already engaged. Sometimes these things just fall into place and work out and it’s all kinds of wonderful.

      And congratulations! I had no idea. I’m not sure about more real though? Different. Challenging. Permanent. Surreal perhaps. But not necessarily more real. More real implies that it was less real before which I disagree with.

      • Sarah Collins

        yup, sometimes when you find that one person, you just know. i moved to be with my guy too, 2000kms away lol. we had a long distance relationship for a while then i moved up north to be with him.
        And thanks haha, I’m just superstitious i guess so i don’t really tell people cause i keep expecting something to go wrong again. Yeah i spose real isnt the right word, definitely challenging financially and emotionally (and physically omg lol). Different is a good word too.

        • http://www.sugercoatit.com/ Melissa Walker Horn

          Well my friend I will keep everything crossed for you. Every. Single. Thing. And good luck! Exciting times. x

          • Sarah Collins

            Thank you! x