It’s been a while. You’d be forgiven for thinking I had given up or been secretly successful. that happens sometimes, did you know. Bloggers with fertility and conception issues just stop talking about it because they’ve won and can’t say so yet or they’ve lost and their defeated heart just won’t let them say any more. Just to clear things up. I’m neither of these. I just stopped sharing because it was safer, I felt too exposed sometimes.

And being probed is hardly riveting blog content.

The sharing was inviting conversations and commentary when all I really wanted was commiseration. A pat on the head and a there there, that sucks. This was a place to let the feelings out and have them heard. Maybe give someone else going through what we are going through a voice for a moment. Someone who has never experienced it some understanding where there is none.

This is our third childless Christmas.

We will have a fourth ttc anniversary next year, still childless.

All I can hope for now is that next year is our year. Because I’m not too sure if I have the guts to hope again. The other day I laughed spitefully in the face of someone who said maybe I was next. Haha. Fat chance, I muttered harshly. Sneer on my mouth. I never wanted to be a cynic. But it turns out, I’m hopeless. Without hope for the moment.

It could be worse, I suppose. I could have no course of action left. I could be going about my merry way not even knowing I was a hopeless, cynical grinch. I may have suffered more at the hands of loss.  I could want it more than I do and have nothing to fill the space. I could ache for it every single day. I’m lucky in a lot of ways because it’s nothing. A big, fat, hollow nothing.

Do you think it’s ever possible to just enjoy what you have fully when something you want is missing? Humour me, won’t you. Tell me what you really think.