I’ve been a busy, busy bee today. I worked until 1pm, had two appointments and a date with my friend to swim some laps mid-afternoon, then it was home to create SEVEN juices and smoothies for tomorrow’s post before photographing everything, editing and finalising the post. Phew. So just as I finish yet another round of catch up on my bookkeeping and plan to go to bed I think to myself, it might be nice to write something.
Well okay than self, I said, you better make it good. Eeeep.
It’s been an interesting start to the year over here. Lots of perfect days combined with some not so crash hot days. Lots of love and laughter and some not that at all. I’ve been motivated, excited and flat all at the same time. The power to nap is strong in this one, let me tell you. I have this nervous, anxious feeling most of the time. I hate when that happens. I don’t talk about it much, the anxiety I suffer sometimes, but it’s here. It’s often here when my routine and diet are out of whack. I know better.
The anxiety is the sort that will convince me that harsh words will never be forgiven, that love will leave and sunny days are the last there is to be had. Ever. To breathe becomes something that requires attention. It’s crippling and exhausting. No amount of deep breaths and calm words, back rubs or camomile tea will calm me. Then as soon as it comes it peaks and then starts to fade. It fades a little now. I breathe easier.
A friend asked me once why I don’t talk much about depression, anxiety and mental illness on this blog. The short version is that this is my happy place. It takes up a relative amount of blog real estate to the amount it impacts my life, if that makes sense. I share here with the intent to improve my life and the lives of others. Sharing has its place. For all of us it works differently. Some share lots, some little. I say whatever works.
For me this blog gives me the occasional opportunity to process the things that are tangled webs in my mind. The space to breath. To process and ponder. It reminds me to be grateful, to do my best and to chill because there is no perfect way for me to be me. I hope sometimes it reminds you to do you {peacefully} too.
Word of 2014. Peace.
Hi! I’m Melissa Walker Horn. Around here, they call me Suger. I’m the Chief Blogger and doer of all the things here at Suger Coat It. Blogging since 1901; I love a casual ootd, taking photos, and writing about things that irk or inspire me. I love wine and cheese, long days at the beach and spending time with my family. I make stuff for the internet over at Chalkboard Digital. You know, living the sweet life.
Sometimes it’s hard to share that part of yourself, mental illness isn’t something that gets talked about a lot and the amount of negativity that surrounds it is horrid. I think sometimes just talking about it can make people anxious. I think it’s just such a huge part of my life, and its not something I’m ashamed of, its just something that came out of my blog. Its good that your blog is your happy place, and I actually find your blog really inspiring. The thing is, it’s YOUR blog, and you can do and say whatever the hell you want. xoxox
Thank you Nat. I appreciate you weighing in on the issue. I’m not ashamed of my life nor the tales of those around me, the intertwine a fair bit though, I am wary of overstepping my mark in that regard. So I share what I’m comfortable with, when I see the light reappear. I always said it’s the ones who aren’t talking, can’t see their way through to reaching out that are the most concerning.
Anxiety is one of those lose-lose emotions. It can snowball inside of your head and get out of control when you don’t speak up or keep it in check, but anxiety also stops you from taking. Makes you fear telling people about it because they will decide you’re too much of a burden or that you’re too weird to be friends with etc.
at the same time anxiety doesn’t need to be addressed everywhere. I don’t talk about my anxiety to people in real life, instead I share it faceless on my blog. You’re just doing the opposite I guess, and personally I like your way better.
Hope you’re doing ok? Just remember that you are truly a wonderful smart and gorgeous woman. Life will work out, and sometimes the bits you don’t plan for become more amazing than the ones you’d hope for. Xx
Thank you Pink. You’re so right. It really is. It goes nowhere, helps no one and makes it very difficult to do anything productive. Horrible thing. I am better today, this week saw things clear a little for me. I have the space to breathe now. That helps.
Much love to you. I totally understand where you’re at. I myself am trying not to talk about it too much on my new blog, I want it to be positive place like you do with yours. I will acknowledge it but I don’t want it to define me, if that makes sense. Again much love and all the power to you. xxoo
It makes a lot of sense. Thank you my friend. x
I think peace is a great word for 2014. Hope that things settle down anxiety wise soon.
Thank you, I think so too and I hope so too. x
I struggle with anxiety as well. I come across as a very relaxed, chilled person, so the few people I’ve told have been really surprised by my admission.
I find the same thing, it worries me sometimes how much people don’t see IYKWIM.
“Every day, in every way, my life gets better and better” is my favourite mantra and i say it everywhere (though not out loud in public!). Cheers.
Haha. No aloud indeed. Thank you Deb. 🙂
Anxiety and depression is like the common cold of the human condition — so many causes, so many maintaining factors, varies from mild to debilitating, no cure, and it never goes away for good. Here’s some chicken soup for the soul (so to speak): I think you’re a beacon of light and positivity, and you seem to bring out the best in people. 🙂
So many causes and factors etc. I manage mine how I do, talk about it as often as I do and others do the same. And I’m a yes to chicken soup, LOVE chicken soup. 😉
Thank you Alexandra. I appreciate you saying so.